Alex hadn't thought about who would accompany her. As she looked around, she could see reactions from each person. Many she could read easily. Easton wanted to accompany her; the teenage boy had taken the task of watching her back very seriously. Griffin looked to Max because he wasn't leaving her side unless necessary. Rafe had his arm around Charlie and just nodded his head at Alex, reassuring her that he would handle things while she was gone. That only left a few people that were able fighters. Margaret would always be willing, but Alex wouldn't put her at risk in that way. Issac, another survivor that had joined them from town, was too old for the heavy hand to hand combat with the infected. He would disagree with that, but Alex just wouldn't let him know her thoughts.
That left a few able-bodied people to go. Marcus was staring at her when Alex turned her gaze to him. He waggled his eyebrows at her, causing her to snort.
"Well, I guess I'll take Marcus. I would be doing you all a favor to get him out of your hair for a few days," Alex said.
Despite the lingering grumbling from Max, dinner quickly ended and everyone went about spending their free time as they wanted. Alex pulled Rafe aside to discuss the upcoming few days of scheduling and needs. He kissed Charlie's hand before sending her off to give Aiden a bath before bedtime. Alex had a notebook she had been using for basic scheduling and a running to-do list for items that were a high priority.
"Alex, I know how to run a schedule," Rafe said as he sat down with her.
"I know. I just have this worked out in advance, to ensure everyone has their fair share. Especially our whiny sister," Alex replied.
"You can't let her get to you. You know she's dealing with some things," he said.
"Aren't we all, Rafe? I just think hoping for some understanding and peace with my own sister isn't a lot to ask."
"You're testy, Alex. That's not like you. What's up?" Rafe asked. His blue eyes searched hers. It felt as if they bore into her and Alex knew she couldn't lie to her brother.
"I'm just feeling weighed down. This is a lot to handle every day. I know you all are doing the work with me, but I feel like there is more expected of me. And I've been thinking a lot about Dad."
"What about him? His unrealistic expectations or his absurd lessons on which bugs to eat in the wild?" Rafe replied. Alex knew he was partially joking, but his comment also hit home for her.
"I think it's the expectations. I have them for myself, because of what he taught me to do. I feel like everyone is going to expect the same from me, as if he's standing right next to me."
"Alex, that's silly. No one here is like Dad. No one is stringent and unyielding. No one here believes you are more than human and are going to behave as one. Dad left us with impractical beliefs. Not only of the world around us, but of ourselves. You need to let that all go," he said.
Alex sighed and scrubbed her hands over her face. She knew Rafe was right. But something about living up to her father's expectations had always haunted her. Even before the plague, she had prepped and stored foods to provide for her family. But a lot of Mitch's lessons were lost in city life. There were times over the years where Mitch would call and lecture her. Alex would always reassure her father that everything was in order. She often lied about things, knowing Mitch would never visit her family in Las Vegas. He would never see that she didn't have barrels of water saved or a large greenhouse providing fresh produce.
"I know you're right. I'm hoping this run will give me some time to clear my thoughts," she replied.
"With Marcus? You know he still has a thing for you, right?"
"We've had a discussion about that. I think we’ve found our happy medium. He's been a good friend."
The conversation had her rewinding and thinking about when she had a come to terms talk with Marcus. Shortly after they met, he had shown obvious interest in her. But he was never inappropriate or overly obvious around Billie and Henry. Alex as a woman could tell when a man was showing interest in more than a friendship. She ignored it at first, hoping it would fizzle and go away. But eventually she had to have the conversation with him. It went surprisingly well, Marcus already knowing she was still mourning the loss of her husband. They agreed to be friends. And since then, Marcus had been nothing but a supportive friend to her and her children.
"I hope he heard you loud and clear. He still does anything for you. Which I could appreciate if you were interested in that from him."
"It's not his fault. I'm not in the best place right now," Alex said softly.
"I know, sis. Losing Blake, doing what you had to do, I'm not sure any of us could stomach that."
"And of course, you get it now, since you have Charlie," Alex said, pushing at her brother's shoulder, lightening the mood.
"Don't be like Max. I'm not talking about it," Rafe said with a grin.
"You'll have to talk about it, eventually. We're all under this roof together now. You can't hide anything."
After a few more minutes of ribbing each other, they got down to business of creating a scavenging list. Charlie was looking for additional items for her lab. Alex wasn't sure how she was going to locate the things she described, but she would just bring everything back if that was the only solution. They needed additional clothes for Aiden, as they hadn't grabbed enough when they found him in his home. Slowly they had been collecting sturdy outdoor clothing, better boots and summer clothes for the boy. Alex also planned on keeping anything Henry grew out of for Aiden to wear shortly after. Rafe also produced a list of seeds he'd like to have. While he was harvesting seeds as a continuation plan for the produce, seed packets would be a wonderful backup.
"And, Alex," Rafe said as he was walking out of the dining room. Alex turned to look at him.
"Work it out with Max before you leave. She will be hell to deal with when you're gone if you don't," he finished, flashing a grin before walking out.
Alex stared at the wall for a long while. He wasn't wrong about Max. The siblings all respected each other. But Max was the biggest rebel when it came to any sort of hierarchy. Putting Rafe in charge would have rubbed Max wrong, even when she herself knew she didn't want the responsibility. Max wanted to run free and do as she wished. But her safety was now a concern for everyone as she was part of a group. Whether she liked it or not.
Making her decision, Alex stood from the table and went in search of her sister. She had a good idea that she would be wandering outside, instead of being cooped up indoors for any reason. The cool fresh air washed over Alex as she walked into the darkness. She stood very still at first, listening. Partially to find Max but also to listen for danger, even though it was unlikely that danger was nearby without the alarms being triggered. However, it was a habit to be extremely aware of her surroundings. When she heard the sound of wood being chopped or possibly abused, Alex knew which direction to go.
Circling around the back of the house, Alex found Griffin leaning against the wall. His eyes were glued to Max, who at the moment was hefting an ax over her head. Alex stopped to watch, thinking that talking to Max when she had a weapon in hand was dangerous. The ax came whistling down and embedded into the log of wood Max was working to split.
"She been doing this since dinner?" Alex asked Griffin.
"Yup."
"How pissed is she?"
"Anyone's guess. She's not telling me the problem either," Griffin sighed, the sound heavy with meaning.
"What's going on, Griff?" Alex asked.
"She's shutting me out. The last week or so she's been distant. I know she's been fighting with you over chores and wanting to do something else. But it's not only that. I'm pretty sure it's rooted in something more," he explained.
"You've tried to talk to her about it?"
"Of course. She tells me I'm being obsessive and then becomes typical Max, avoiding the issues."
Alex looked back at her little sister. Her physical wounds had faded to scars. Her broken fingers were close to healed up. Her ribs still felt slightly bruised, but Charlie was pretty sure they
weren't broken and just needed time to heal. Chopping wood wasn't something that would give her the chance to heal, but no one had the guts to tell Max that. She finally set the ax down and stacked the pieces of wood she had chopped. She looked over and finally noticed Alex with Griffin. Only because she knew her sister did Alex see the slight widening of her eyes, the only hint of surprise.
"We need to chat, Max," Alex called out.
"Why? You've already dictated your decisions," Max snapped back.
"Can we have a conversation without the attitude? You can be pissy all you want, but you know that I don't make choices in this compound that aren't for the safety and health of everyone within our walls. You don't have to agree all the time, but you can't be mad at me every day," Alex said.
"I don't agree with that. You are going out on a supply run, with no one else getting a choice."
Finally, Alex felt she had had enough. She strode forward and grabbed the ax from where it was stuck in the log at Max's feet. She turned and returned it to the small overhang they used to keep the wood dry throughout the winter. They were slowly refilling the piles of logs they would need for the next winter. With the weather warming slowly, they no longer needed large fires to warm the larger rooms of the house. Alex figured getting the ax away from Max would work in her advantage.
"You don't have to agree. You just need to be agreeable to the people around you. You need to stop shutting out the ones that love you. I need to go on this run. I need to breathe. I need to get away from constantly managing and leading. And I need a break from the fights with you," Alex said.
She gulped a deep breath after she said the last sentence. She hadn't particularly meant to say it to Max that way, but she needed her sister to know how hard it was on her to be at odds every day.
"We don't fight," Max said, her voice becoming unsure.
"Yes, we do. You want to fight about every chore. You get mad when I won't let you go off half-cocked into town when it's not necessary. You question every single thing I do to try to keep this compound running," Alex replied. Max didn't respond, just looked at her feet. Alex stepped closer and put her hand on her shoulder.
"Max, you have been through things. And you aren't dealing with them well. Your body may be healing, but in your mind, there are things you are struggling with. No, don't argue," Alex said as Max started to look at her and shake her head. "We all see it. We all want to help. But you are too busy pushing against us to actually get that help."
"I feel like I'm drowning here," Max said, so quiet that there was no way Griffin could hear her.
"You aren't alone. You are loved. That man over there," Alex said, gesturing to Griffin who hadn't left his post against the wall, "Wants nothing more than to be there for you. To hold you and help you through this. Why aren't you letting him?"
"I don't need anyone's help," Max said defiantly.
"Keep telling yourself that until you self-destruct. I need you to back up Rafe while I'm gone. And please just stay on the compound and help with the chores without complaint. Can you do that for me?"
"I'll behave...Mom," Max said with a grin.
"I somehow doubt that, but ok. Why don't you and Griffin turn in for the night? Maybe tell him what's on your mind a little? It couldn't hurt anything," Alex said.
She knew she was pushing the issue, but she didn't want Max to suffer alone. Griffin also had a hard time with the pain they shared. Max gave Alex a side hug and walked to Griffin. Without a word he slung an arm around Max's shoulders, and she slid one around his back. Alex found herself sending a silent prayer to whoever was listening that her sister would find a way through her demons. They were no longer in the age of therapists. They were on their own to work through their troubles.
The couple turned the corner of the house before Alex turned to the Bronco she and Marcus would be taking the next day. She lowered the tailgate and climbed into the back to check the normal bug out bags that were kept in the truck. At any time if they needed a quick escape all the compound vehicles were equipped with enough supplies for the occupants to survive for a week. Cases of water were stacked on one side and Alex mentally noted to take all but one out for their trip.
As she worked, Marcus came up to the Bronco. He began to take out the water cases Alex had moved to the end of the tailgate. He brought the additional food that Margaret had packed for them and Alex moved it into the back seat for easy access. Then the man stood and watched Alex evaluate the packs.
"What's up?" Alex asked.
"You sure about this trip?"
Alex stopped what she was doing to look over at Marcus. She shined the flashlight she carried into his face, so she could better see his expression. She had learned that what Marcus said wasn't always what he was meaning. A lot of the time he led with jokes, when it was a serious situation. He never seemed to know when the right time was to not be a joker. This time, his face seemed to be completely serious.
"Of course, I am. If you aren't, you don't have to go," she replied.
"And you'd just go alone, wouldn't you?" He said.
"No. I'd take Cliff or Easton."
"I'm hurt. I'm just replaceable, huh?" Now his face softened into a sarcastic look.
"Yes, yes you are Marcus. Now are you going to help me get ready, or are you just going to annoy me? We are leaving first thing in the morning."
Together the two quietly loaded the extra supplies into the Bronco. They pulled out the weapons from the shed they would want. Alex chose her 9mm, machete, shotgun, and a Bowie knife to put on her hip. Marcus also chose a 9mm after Alex insisted he have a gun. He typically only used knives, but he had shown Alex he was competent with a handgun as well. There was no guarantee of what they would face when they went into town.
With the guns and extra ammo loaded, Alex shut the doors on the Bronco and slid the keys into her pocket. Excitement shivered through her veins. She was ready to walk away from the compound for a little while. To feel free of decisions and responsibility for other people. She loved her family and had come to care greatly about the other survivors that lived with them, but the pressure of leading them, keeping them safe and provided for, was a weight she was having a hard time carrying.
"We're all here to help you, ya know," Marcus said.
They were standing in the dark, the moon only a sliver in the sky. Marcus was a good friend and Alex knew there were times he got her better than others did. And instead of adding more stress, he often used humor and cockiness to lighten her mood. She knew he thought she took things too seriously. But there was nothing more serious than survival when the dead walked and tried to eat your family.
"Everyone does help. I've never said otherwise," she replied.
"But you take all the responsibility on yourself. No one wants you to do that. And that's why you are so ready to run away from here."
"Stop trying to analyze me, Marcus," she scoffed.
"I don't need to analyze. It's clearly written on your face every day. New lines seem to deepen every day and before you yell at me, I'm not just talking about wrinkles. You frown more. You don't play with the kids as often. You avoid long conversations," he said, ticking off all the things that Alex knew she was doing wrong. But thought no one noticed.
"I have a lot on my plate," she replied.
"I know that. We all know that. But you need to stop being so hard on yourself. Things are getting done. We are all safe right now. You need to relax."
"Sure. Relax. During the apocalypse," she quipped.
"You know what I mean. Hopefully this trip will do the job for you."
With that, he walked away, disappearing into the darkness toward the bunkhouse where he slept. Alex watched for a moment as a lantern flared to life inside the building and she could hear quiet murmuring between Marcus and Cliff, who also slept in the bunkhouse. The bunkhouse was really a converted log shed that her father had insulated, with bunk beds throughout. It gave the compound an additional twelve beds for those that joined
them.
Alex made her way back into the main house, thinking about getting her kids to bed as well. Easton stopped her short inside the mudroom.
"What's up, East?"
"Can I come with you tomorrow?" Easton asked.
Alex was anticipating his question. Anytime he was left behind he felt abandoned and useless. Alex always marveled at the emotional disaster of a sixteen-year-old boy. Easton tried hard to be a grownup, but in his heart, he was still sensitive and looking for approval. Alex understood he needed her reassurance and understanding, and she worked hard on that.
"Not this trip. I need as many hands on deck here to keep things running. You are in rotation with chores and it's best if you stay with that."
"I could be helpful," Easton continued.
"This isn't about you being helpful, East. You know I trust you to watch my back and help me when it's necessary. But this time, the smaller the group that goes, the better. We need to slide in and out quietly to not draw any sort of attention."
"I guess. Candace has a small list," Easton said, handing a slip of paper to Alex.
A smile spread across Alex's face when she saw what the young girl wanted. No, the items weren't all practical as Alex had requested. But entertainment and comfort were things they could still provide. The nail polish, teenage romance DVDs and sports bras were all things Alex would do her best to find and bring back for the girl.
"I know it's not the stuff we really need...." Easton said, trailing off.
"No, this is great. This list reminds me that we still are living lives here, that aren't just chores and survival," Alex looked back to Easton and smiled.
By the time Alex made it to her bedroom, a half hour had passed. She had lists from almost everyone in the compound. Some requests were outlandish, and she wasn't quite sure how she would bring back the items they wanted. But she smiled and said the same to each, that she would try. That wasn't a lie. She wanted to provide for each of the people behind their walls. They were becoming a unit, and she cared about them all. She took all the lists and folded them carefully into the pack she would take with her in the morning.
Sundown Series (Book 4): Torment Page 3