Okay, this plan seemed to be a bad one in retrospect.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
WHERE THE ENORMITY OF MY STUPIDITY IS MADE CLEAR
Entropicus’ look was one that could have obliterated me and I meant that literally. Entropicus had used his Hate Beams to eradicate every hero he’d fought but Ultragod and Guinevere. However, he didn’t fire said beams but just looked at me for a long time.
“Very well,” Entropicus said. “I accept your challenge.”
I lifted my hands before balling them into fists. “Prepare to be punked like Ashton Kutcher used to do to people before celebrities started suing him for horrific mental trauma!”
“That’s a terrible threat, Gary,” Mandy said.
“Back me up here,” I muttered, not at all confident of my chances here.
“I will decide the rules of the contest, though,” Entropicus said, his voice like the wrath of God.
“Oh come on!” I snapped.
“The nature of arbitration,” Entropicus said, glaring. “It will be a contest either to the death or three falls.”
“You want to go two out of three with me?” I asked, confused.
“Yes,” Entropicus said.
“O-kay,” I said, blinking. “Not exactly what I was expecting.”
“It will also be done at the height of the sun,” Entropicus said, gesturing to the sun above. “In the Castle of Ultimate Sorrow.”
“Castle of Ultimate Sorrow?” I asked, confused. “Who names these things?”
“I do,” Entropicus said.
“Oh, well that explains it,” I deadpanned. “Where’s the Castle of Ultimate Sorrow?”
“There.” Entropicus gestured to the Chinese castle on the hill. We had been staying under it the entire time with the tournament monks keeping us away from the castle proper.
“Oh,” I said, looking at the castle. “That’s a lot closer than I expected.”
“One more condition,” Entropicus said, chuckling like the Devil.
“Which is?” I asked, now annoyed with the Supreme Master of Evil as well as wanting him dead.
“Say please,” Entropicus said.
I stared at him. “You raised my brother from the dead as a soulless monster. Your children killed my best friend and damned him. You murdered legends.”
“That’s not what I want to hear.”
I took several deep breaths, quaking with fury. “Please.”
Entropicus chortled. “You will lose, Gary Karkofsky, because you have no ability to commit to anything in your life. The path of villainy, the path of heroism, your lovers, and even your own ambition. You invited a monster into your ranks and treated them as family when they were your enemy all along.”
I assumed he meant Diabloman. “Balance in all things. What exactly do you have to show for conquering the universe and making it hell? The desire to end everything? To make no God, universe, or even memory of humanity? Do you get off on it? What?”
“When you live past your family, you will learn to treasure the present. When you live past a century, you learn to dream of building empires. When you learn to live past civilizations, you learn to hate everything and everyone. When you live past the lifespan of worlds and the epochs of time, you understand what a cruel joke existence is so that the only mercy that exists is for nothing to ever undergo the horrors of life. When you die, at a time of that I decree, you will not under the illusion of your petty joys justify your awful existence. No, instead, you will reach up, your eyes full of despair, and say—”
“Eh, what’s up, Doc?” I interrupted him.
Entropicus didn’t say anything else. Instead, he turned around and walked away.
“I just made the worst mistake of my probably soon to be very short life, didn’t I?” I asked, to no one in particular.
“Pretty much, yeah,” Jane said, pausing. “I mean, you know, if he wins then he’s going to wish the universe unmade and the Powers that Be are going to let him because the universe sucks.”
“Hey, this is on you too now! You trusted me to forfeit your position in the tournament!” I said, faking horror at myself—which wasn’t really all that fake. “Why in the world would you do something so dumb?”
“I don’t know!” Jane snapped. “It looked really heroic and only sounded stupid in retrospect!”
“Well, I hope you’ve learned your lesson!” I said.
Jane crossed her heart. “I solemnly swear to never think you know what you’re doing ever again.”
“Jane, you are like my second sister,” I said. “Expect me to horribly prank you and scare your boyfriends.”
“I already have a brother so I’ll pass.” Jane checked her cellphone. “Actually, according to this app, we’re alternate doubles of each other.”
“Wait, I’m Lara Croft?” I asked. “That horrifies my fourteen year old self.”
“Does Gary have any chance of actually beating this guy?” G asked, walking up to the battle arena.
“Let me paint a picture,” Cindy said, walking up. “Imagine Godzilla fighting Harry Potter and you have a rough estimation of how any fight between Gary and Entropicus would go. Except, Godzilla in this metaphor is also a wizard.”
“Am I Godzilla in this metaphor?” I asked.
“No,” Cindy said, staring at me. “No you are not. Which you know.”
“Don’t be surprised at my infinite capacity for self-delusion,” I said, making finger guns at her. “I’m fully capable of believing that if I want it enough, I can have it.”
“That’s like the very definition of stupidity,” Cindy said.
“I know!” I said, stretching out my hands. “Yet look at my life! It seems to work for me.”
“Millionaire, superpowers, vampire secret agent as a wife, hot redhead as his mistress, hot superheroine is in love with him, and he has a hulking badass as a henchman,” G said, looking over at me. “Yeah, you have a point there. I’ve read fanfic characters with less wish fulfillment.”
“I’ve suffered for it,” I said, thinking of all the people I’d lost over the years. The suffering, imprisonment, beatings, and shocks to the system.
G smiled. “You should visit my world. I think you’d like what the media has to say about you. Mind you, on my planet you’re considered a cheap knock-off of Doctor Impossible.”
“I resemble that remark. In any case, I’ll try and get all the comics about me from your world and Jane’s when this is all done,” I said before pausing. “Wait, you read fanfic?”
“Only for Game of Thrones,” G said. “It’s the only way Sansa will ever catch a break.”
Mandy walked over to the stone figurines of Guinevere and Stephen before kneeling before them.
“Mandy?” I asked.
“One hundred and fifteen,” Mandy said, lowering her head.
“Excuse me?”
“That’s the number of times Guinevere and the Prismatic Commando saved the world or were part of a group that did,” Mandy said, looking at them. “I remember only about three. The Atlantean invasion, the defeat of Tyrant Sun, and the time the vampire plague spread throughout the world with everyone infected.”
“Yeah, I recall sleeping through the last one,” I said, not even aware of the majority of horrific events that happened during my life the Society of Superheroes or their affiliates had stopped. I lived in a world where there was a weekly attempt by people like me to rule the world, kill the population, or turn everyone into zombies.
In retrospect, it made sense why Guinevere had such a horrible attitude as the planet’s constant peril would wear down even the strongest souls. Worse, those who had once seemed invincible were broken one by one. The fact I’d eliminated quite a few of the bigger named horrors didn’t mean there were less problems, though.
Just different ones.
“They deserve to be treated with more reverence than serving as statues in Entropicus’ trophy room,” Mandy said, looking to the beach. “We should find a place to
bury them and give them the proper respects they deserve.”
“Much as the Klingons, the real Klingons rather than the knock-offs they’re trying to pass off as the real thing on Star Trek: Discovery, I believe the body to be just a shell,” I said, looking at the stone statues. “Besides, I’m not going to let them stay dead.”
“What?” Mandy said, doing a double take.
I frowned. “I want to be a hero but I’ll screw the natural order a couple of times before I die.”
“I wish I had someone like you when I died,” Mandy said.
“Excuse me?” I asked.
“Nothing,” Mandy said, looking back. “Do you really think you can bring them back?”
“I don’t intend to wish anyone back,” I said, pausing. “I intend to give reality a reboot!”
“Really? Are sales of your comic dipping?” Jane asked.
“Funny,” I said.
“Not kidding,” Jane asked. “That’s usually the only reason anyone does them and they always make things worse.”
“Think about it,” I said, ignoring her. “This reality has gotten far too dark and edgy. Superheroes are a shadow of their former selves and supervillains are, well, not cool anymore.”
“They were never cool, Gary,” Mandy said, showing the barest hint of fang. “You basically assumed they were because your brother was one, but they’ve always been a gang of murderers, rapists, and thieves.”
“This is true,” Cindy said, giving a nod of agreement. “I mean, heroes still suck but screw the rest of our kind. The only thing worse than the good guys is another villain.”
I pretended to be shocked. “Really? I hadn’t noticed that. You know, what with my decision to become a superhero and all. Something I’m doing now. You know, by saving the world.”
“Which you haven’t done yet,” G pointed out. “Also, is highly unlikely to happen for myriad reasons.”
“I’m the plucky underdog,” I said, ignoring his advice. “I’m bound to win against Entropicus. Look at Rocky.”
“Rocky lost three fights in the movies, four if you count Apollo Creed beating him in the gym rematch,” Jane said, surprising me with her knowledge of movie trivia as much as made-up superheroes. “Furthermore, you lampshaded the fact you’re an underdog so the laws of dramatic irony mean you have to lose.”
I stared at her. “I’m starting to think we have too many hot snarky people on this team.”
Jane shrugged. “You can find a new job.”
I tried to smile before turning to the others. “Basically, my plan is to wish for a newer and better reality. All of the old heroes will be there: Ultragod, Nightwalker, Guinevere, and the Prismatic Commando but they’ll be younger! Hipper! We’ll introduce superhuman powers and alien invasions as a new thing except when origins are tied to a specific event. No more of this time compression thing, we’ll just have a new date for our Age of Heroism! Bad guys will have not murdered millions over the past century but be introduced gradually! Clear out some of the crazy too! No more Psychoslinger or Mercifuls!”
“Will Diabloman be back?” Cindy asked.
“Yes,” I said. “Maybe not as a universe murderer either.”
“But my mother will be dead,” Cindy said.
I looked at her. “You’re really insistent on that.”
“Remember when you first met me?”
“As a teen prostitute?” I asked, trying hard to ever bring that up around her. Cindy didn’t seem to mind talking about her brief ‘career’ before meeting me but spoke about her home life with the kind of fear and disgust you’d expect from where she’d worked. I didn’t have to be a criminal genius to put together what it had probably involved or why she’d latched onto my family the way she had.
“Yeah,” Cindy said. “Ask how I got there and why it was a step up from where I was.”
I pointed at her. “This is the kind of thing I’m talking about and should have no place in our new world.”
Mandy walked up to me and took my hands. “Gary, I want you to look into my eyes.”
“Because you’re going to mesmerize me into making sure vampire bites don’t hurt and I shouldn’t think about how arterial spray is actually a gusher rather than a sucking thing?” I asked. “Because that wasn’t cool the first few times you did it.”
“No,” Mandy said. “Please accommodate me, though.”
“You got it,” I said, looking into her eyes.
“Besides, if I could mesmerize you then you wouldn’t be nearly as annoying,” Mandy muttered.
“Mind tricks don’t work on Gary, only money,” Jane said.
I stared at her in horror. “Did you quote the Prequels at me?”
“Better than The Last Jedi,” Jane said.
“Point taken.”
Mandy moved my chin back to parallel with hers. “Gary, look into my eyes.”
“I’m looking. They’re very beautiful and predatory,” I said. They were also different from my wife’s living eyes. They’d changed in a way that I was only now trying to figure out the implications of.
Mandy smiled at the compliment she’d thought I’d given her. She then frowned. “Gary, that is a terrible idea.”
“Oh.”
Mandy closed her eyes. “This is, quite possibly, your worst idea ever.”
“I wouldn’t go as far to say worst.”
“No,” Mandy shook her head. “Don’t do this. The world needs to move forward. We can’t just keep recycling the same stories, the same heroes, the same villains, and the same plots over again. Sometimes, stories have to end.”
“I don’t want them to end. I want them to keep going forever like Toni Basil’s ‘Hey Mickey’ once it gets in your head.”
I started humming it.
Mandy glared at me.
“It’s there now, isn’t it?” I asked.
“Dammit,” Cindy muttered. “I hate that song.”
Mandy took a deep breath. “Gary, I want you to win this battle against Entropicus. We just need to wish carefully.”
“But imagine the kind of wonderful hijinks that might ensue if I misuse it.” I paused. “I suppose I could give it to you.”
Mandy’s stare had no mercy in it.
“Seriously, you’d do better than I would,” I said, shrugging. “I just don’t want to become Old Gary and dominate the solar system if it makes me as miserable as he looks. Imagine yourself with the power to control everything.”
Mandy didn’t respond as there was a hunger inside her eyes. “This is just because you want me to forget you and Gabrielle are having a baby.”
“Obviously,” I said. “Assuming we are.”
“You knocked up Ultragoddess?” A pasty-faced Keith Karkofsky said, walking up beside me, his upper costume completely destroyed while his hair had turned bleach white. “Wow, did I misjudge what women like. Apparently, it was geeks all along.”
I did a double take at him.
“Hey bro,” Keith said, giving a thumbs up.
I screamed like a victim in a slasher movie.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
WHERE I MEET ZOMBIE KEITH
“Yo!” Zombie Keith said, pulling out a white chocolate candy bar marked Braiiiinnnnns and taking a bite out of it. “Wassuuuuup!”
I screamed again. I sounded like a yodeling schoolgirl being thrown off a cliff.
Jane walked up behind me and gave me a dope slap. “Calm down.”
“Stop that,” Mandy snapped, staring down at Jane. “He’s my husband. Only I get to slap him.”
“Spousal abuse is never funny,” Cindy said, a lot more serious than normal.
“It’s consensual,” Mandy said. “Like the chains, handcuffs, lingerie, and leather.”
Cindy blinked. “Does Gary wear the leather or lingerie?”
“Seriously,” Zombie Keith said. “Dude has got some serious Austin Powers mojo going on here. I don’t get it.”
“Regular awesome sex. It’s how I get my boyfriends back hom
e to cooperate,” Jane said. “You just need to express the value of sharing.”
“I don’t like sharing,” G muttered under his breath.
Zombie Keith raised his hand. “So, Gary, high five!”
“What the hell are you doing?” I said, finally regaining control over my senses. “Also, my brother did not act like this.”
“Well, I’m just your brother’s dark side,” Zombie Keith said, talking with his mouth full before swallowing. “I’m back to the time he was a surfer dude catching the New Angeles waves. The waves around this island are pretty radical but I’m dead so I can’t really enjoy them. Bum—”
“Don’t say bummer or I will have to kill you,” I said, staring at him.
“Wouldn’t be so bad,” Zombie Keith said, looking over at the arena. “I just, like, killed two superheroes. That’s a drag. Hey, are you actually a wizard?”
“Yes,” I said, trying to fake being cheerful as I stared at an empty shell imitating my dead brother. I still wanted to hug him.
“Could you like conjure me up some Doritos?” Zombie Keith said.
I waved my hand and a bag of Mercitos appeared in his hand.
“Awww, it’s the crappy generic kind,” Zombie Keith said before tearing open the bag and shoveling them down his throat.
“Okay, that’s nasty,” Jane said, wrinkling her nose. “It’s like he’s combined corpse and frat boy.”
“No, no surfer dude and corpse,” I said, looking over at her. “They’re both still pigs when eating but surf zombies loves the environment.”
Zombie Keith wiped away some of the toasted chips from his face before speaking. “I wanted to tell you some information about Entropicus.”
“Really, the guy who brought you back from the dead,” I said, trying not to scream and set him on fire.
“This isn’t life, dude,” Keith said, frowning. There was a genuine look of bewilderment on his face. “I don’t feel anything. I don’t feel love, hope, joy, or friendship. All I feel is hate. I hate Entropicus most of all. As soon as he finds out I regenerated from Caliburn then he’s going to send me after you. Maybe he’ll send me after my, Keith’s daughter, Fireworks or his ex-wife. Actually, probably not since Keith hated her too. She was screwing the milkman.”
Tournament of Supervillainy Page 16