I watch in confusion as Henry leaves for the night, my mouth hanging open like a fish out of water. How the hell do they know each other? I didn’t even know him before I moved back home. And why is she working in a bar? She doesn’t even drink. She hates anything that changes her mental state. She always has. Or at least, she did…
“Yeeewww.” I slur, standing to my feet and making my way toward her.
If I wasn’t so damn shell shocked, I might be proud of myself for making it to the other end of the bar without tripping and falling face-first to the hardwood floor.
If she’s at all surprised to see that the drunk asshole at the end of the bar was me, she doesn’t show it.
“We’re not doing this tonight, Brody. You’re drunk.” She sighs, shaking her head a little.
“I’m not leaaaving here without answersssss.” I drawl out with as much force as I can muster.
She ignores my comment, scrubbing fiercely on the remaining glasses in the sink. Is she nervous?
“I, I deserf answersss!” I exclaim.
She pulls the plug on the sink full of water now that she’s finished with all the glasses. Wiping her hands on the same towel she swatted Henry with, she walks toward me, placing the towel on the bar between us.
“This is a talk we need to have when you’re sober.” She says, walking toward the back of the bar.
I follow behind her, bumping into a few walls as I do. She walks into a makeshift bedroom, sitting on a small twin-sized bed pushed into the corner, and begins taking her shoes off.
“I said, I’m not leavin’ ‘til I get s’m answersss.” I say swaying on my feet as the doorway I’m leaning on starts to move, or maybe it’s me that’s moving. It’s possible that I’m too drunk to tell.
Remi jumps off the bed, taking quick steps to get to me, catching my stumbling body in her tiny grasp before I fall to the ground. She sits me on her bed, but I quickly fall back, unable to stay upright any longer.
“I still lub your tiny ass. Did yewww know that?”
I feel her hands stiffen against my legs, but I can’t even remember what I said. All I know is that the room just got really fast and the furniture is moving. I think we’re gonna crash in here.
“Rem?”
“We’ll talk when you wake up, I promise.” She whispers, pulling my shoes off my feet.
I shouldn’t have drank so much. I don’t want to wait another day for these answers. I’ve waited so long already. But even the blackness behind my closed eyes is spinning so I know it’ll be worth the wait.
Chapter Ten
Remi
I’m sitting in a chair behind the desk in my room at Henry’s, waiting on Brody to wake up. I haven’t slept a single minute all night long, my heart pounding in my chest the entire time that Brody’s adorable drunk ass has been in my bed.
As much as I wanted to crawl in bed, and sleep with him right next to me like I’ve dreamt of every day since I left, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I doubt he’d wake up too happy if I was snuggled up into him. So I’ve sat my ass in this chair all night long, staring at him like I’m a goddamn serial killer, waiting on bated breath for him to wake up.
Each time he’s stirred, I’ve held my breath wondering if this was the time he’d finally wake up and join me in the land of the living. No such luck so far. The irony of me waiting on him for a change isn’t lost on me.
I’ve downed three cups of coffee in the last hour, doing anything to just keep myself busy so that I don’t go shake the behemoth of a man in bed awake to finally give him the answers he’s been searching for, for so goddamn long.
I know this conversation is long overdue.
I’m chewing on my fingernails as nervous energy envelops me in a hold so tight, I might as well be in a fucking straight jacket. I swear the anticipation of this conversation is literally going to kill me if he doesn’t wake up soon.
While we were at Rogue last night, I made a decision without even realizing it. I decided that I wasn’t going to lose Brody a second time. Not if I can help it anyways. So that meant I was going to have to tell him truths that I’ve only ever shared with my brother Ruger and Liz. And I’m scared out of my fucking mind at how he’s going to react.
He’s never going to look at me the same after this.
My stomach twists in knots at the thought. I can handle a life where Brody hates me. I can’t handle a life where he’s disgusted by me. It’s all I can do not to forget that there once was a time where he was in love with me.
Memories from long ago start tugging at my subconscious, pulling me into the past. Back to a time where I had once stupidly convinced myself that I could have him. That I could keep him.
“It’s gonna rain soon.” Brody tells me, pulling me a little closer into his side, placing a kiss on my temple.
My eyes look across the expanse of his bare chest, out of the open patio doors of our apartment, feeling the dense air rolling in. I wonder what it would be like to lay our mattress out there during a rainstorm. It rarely rains here, but when it does it’s always a warm rain. I bet it would feel like silk brushing against us as the raindrops seep through the sheets onto our bodies.
“I like the rain.” I confess, whispering into his skin.
“You always have.” He laughs, the gesture rumbling through the cheek I have pressed against him.
His arms tighten around me for no real reason other than the fact that he just likes feeling my body as close to him as he can get it. The movement makes me feel safer than any other time in my life.
He traces lazy circles across my back, sending tingles up my spine. The light music from his Pandora station plays around us, lulling us into the comfort of just being with each other. It’s always like this with us. Natural and all-consuming. Like nothing outside of this little haven that we’ve made together matters.
I wish that were true.
For the millionth time over the course of our time together, I open my mouth to tell him the secrets that weigh heavily on me. The truth sits on the tip of my tongue like a tic-tac, so easily pushed over the edge.
It would be so easy to spill out.
The song changes over right as the proverbial tic-tac is about to take the plunge. But then I hear the words. It causes me to swallow the tic-tac down, just like I have every other time before. Because Matt Nathanson is right in this song.
‘And in the end, the dreams just scatter. And fall like rain.’
I don’t like this song. For so many reasons.
But today? Today it hurts. It makes the impending rain feel less beautiful. Less comforting. It changes how happy I was just moments before. But I can’t hate how Brody is reacting, singing this song in my ear as the meaning settles differently in him than it does in me. He sings that ‘all we are is beautiful’ as his fingers switch their course and run through my hair, an absentminded gesture.
“Not as beautiful as you, though, my yellow-eyed Little Wolf.” He teases before continuing to sing along.
“I love you.” I tell him.
It’s the only truth that I don’t have to hide from him.
He turns on his side, facing me, pulling my chin up slightly so that we’re looking each other eye to eye. The song closes out and before the next can begin, the silence in the room is filled with the first pitter-patter echo of rain, coming in through the open patio doors.
The smile on his face is infectious and I can’t stop the one that covers my own in mere seconds after seeing his. LA should cover all of the billboards in this city with his smile. It’s that damn beautiful.
He kisses my nose and then goes to move from the bed, tugging my hand, encoring me to follow.
“Come with me, I’ve got a surprise for you.”
“You’re not supposed to be wasting money on me, babe. You’re supposed to be saving money to open your shop with the guys.” I chastise, hating that he’s letting anything come before his dreams.
> “It’s never a waste if it’s for you.”
He leads us outside on the patio where our bare feet immediately get wet. It feels cool against my skin, but still has the warmth of the rains that I love so much here. I wish it rained like this every day.
“Close your eyes.” He whispers as a single raindrop hits the tip of my nose.
I do as he says, unable to stop the smile that stays on my lips as I do. But with my eyes closed, my other senses come alive, the part of me that always stays on guard, alert and ready.
I’m overcome with the heady scent of Brody mixing with the rain. It’s my favorite scent in the entire world. Nothing smells as intoxicating as this. I wish I could bottle it and carry it with me every day, opening the bottle when I need to keep him with me.
“You can open your eyes now.”
My eyelids flutter at his words, causing a light mist to pour onto my cheeks from my eyelashes. I’m met with a sight that damn near brings me to my knees.
Just like Brody is now.
With one knee firmly planted in the water, soaking his plaid pajama bottoms on contact, he holds an open ring box in my direction. The air inside my lungs deflates like a popped balloon, rushing out of me with a sound that makes him laugh.
“The first day I kissed you, it was raining. The first day I told you I loved you, it was raining. I’ve been waiting months for the California skies to break open so that I could do it just like this. I’ve almost broken down a few times, but it never felt right. I knew I had to wait for the rain.”
“All good things in life are worth waiting for.” I quote, repeating the words he always says to me when I’ve tried to uncover his secret plans for us in the past.
He smiles, shaking the raindrops from his hair.
“I wish I was better with words. I’ve tried like hell to think of something clever and romantic, a way to plead my love to you like all the guys in the movies that chicks squeal over. But in the end, all I could come up with is that… I just fucking love you. You’re my everything, Rem. It’s you. It’s always been you and it’s always gonna be you. And I just want to lock you down before you realize that I’m not half as much as you deserve. I want to spend every rainy day with you. And all the days in between. Just like this.”
I fling myself at him, knocking him on his ass with the force of it. He laughs as we fall to the porch, rain coating my back and falling in my hair, catching it so that he doesn’t have to.
The tears that fall from my eyes, land on his cheeks, looking like the rain the showers our memories in love and happiness.
“What do you say?” He asks, pushing away my hair that hangs around us like a curtain. “Will you marry me, Little Wolf?”
I nod my head with vigor, unable to speak. If I open my mouth to say yes, I know it won’t be the word that comes out. Because for both of our sakes, I know I should say ‘no.’ Not because I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with him, because that’s literally one of only two things that I want out of life. But because in order to protect us both, I shouldn’t make promises that I don’t know if I can keep.
I need to talk to Liz and figure out what all of my options are. There has to be a way to stay here. To stay with Brody. To be able to make a life together.
And I’ll do whatever it takes.
Brody slides the ring on my finger, looking like he was just handed a check for the lottery instead of tying his life to a girl on the run. And when his lips touch mine, I convince myself that maybe, just maybe, I’ve been forced to run so that I could find him.
Maybe I don’t have to run from my past.
Maybe I can just run into my future.
My phone vibrates on the desk, pulling me out of one of the happiest memories of my life. Liz is finally awake, responding to the text I sent her after Brody passed out. I told her I was finally going to tell him the truth about my past.
L: That has to wait. I need to see you right now, R. I mean it.
R: It can’t wait an hour?
L: We don’t have time for this right now. Get your ass to my house. NOW!
This cannot be happening!
Please, please, please tell me this is a joke.
But I know better. Liz would never pull me away from something that means this much to me unless it was serious. And as much as I want to be here with Brody and finally clear the air, it wouldn’t mean a damn thing if I end up dead right after.
I look back and forth between the messages on my phone and the enormous man sleeping in my bed. A prime example showcasing the glaringly obvious fact that I have zero control in my life.
We think that because we’re humans that we have free will. That’s the tale we were all told, right?
But we don’t.
It’s like some kind of cosmic joke. The immortals above us are laughing as the chess pieces of humans below them rummage around in the giant game of life that they set up with no way to really win.
Who said God doesn’t have a sense of humor?
But that’s the thing. If there actually is a God, he’s not the one calling the shots in my life. Oh no, that would be far too simple. I have an alternate theory. A conspiracy theory if you will, but let’s be honest, with each day that passes, the validity of it is becoming more and more convincing.
You see, I think that Lucifer went to God one day and was like ‘Hey, Dad, can I have a puppy?’ And the almighty God, not trusting the devil with such precious cargo as a tiny defenseless little puppy, said ‘How about you take the Jameson girl instead?’
So here I am.
The Devil’s literal bitch.
As I scribble off a note to tape to Brody’s forehead, leaving my phone number and the only thing I can think of that will convince him to give me another chance to explain, I curse the Devil for enjoying his toy way too goddamn much.
Pun intended.
I snag my pistol off the desk in front of where I was sitting and run out of the side door exit of the bar. As the engine purrs to life, I pull out of the bar at a much slower pace than I’m used to.
I’m grateful that Liz let me borrow her car yesterday, but I have to find the time, and the money, to figure out a long-term plan with my bike. I can only borrow her car for so long, and who knows how long I can even be in Deacon Hill. Eventually, just like always, I’ll have to leave. Can’t really do that if I don’t have a way to leave.
My eyes fly to the rearview and side mirrors numerous times, making sure I haven’t been followed. I switch lanes several times, and take a few unnecessary turns, just to be sure I’m alone. I can never be too careful or allow myself to get too comfortable, especially when my emotions are all over the place.
Thirty minutes later, I pull into Liz’s driveway. I can see her through the open curtain in the living room, in a heated conversation with someone on the phone. A part of me wants to shake her because she knows better than to leave her window wide open for anyone to see into, especially if I’m in town.
I stroll up to the front door and walk in without knocking. She raises her chin in a gesture that tells me to follow her as she walks down the hallway, into her home office. There are monitors set up all over the room, each screen doing something different.
Liz helped me get my GED several years ago, but there’s no way I have the brainpower to understand a single thing that’s happening on any of these screens.
“Shit, shit, shit. Okay.” She says into the phone. “She just got here so let me fill her in and then I’ll call you later. Let me know as soon as you know anything.”
She ends the call and then snaps the phone in half, sticking one half in the drink that was sitting on her desk.
Ominous much?
“What’s so important?” I ask, alarmed at the little that I’ve heard and seen.
“Remi, I need you not to freak out okay?”
“You telling me not to freak out is just making me freak out. What the hell is going on?”
/> Her hand flies to her hairline, pulling her bangs off of her forehead as she slowly paces back and forth. Something’s happened and whatever it is directly impacts me and everything I’ve been working toward. I can feel it in my bones.
“It’s Ruger.” She says, her voice sounding pained.
“My brother? What happened?” Panic engulfs me, rooting me to the floor, leaving me speechless.
“I don’t have all the details yet but I know that he’s in the hospital. He’s been shot multiple times and his leather cut was set on fire right next to where they found him.”
Fuck, fuck, fuck!
“Before you ask any questions, I don’t know what happened. I don’t have any answers. But whatever you’re thinking, it’s probably right and we need to get you the hell out of here while we have the upper hand.”
“I’m not going anywhere!” I scream.
Liz rears back at my tone, her face a mask of complete and total shock. I’ve never argued with her before. And I’ve damn sure never refused to go when she said it was time. I’ve pleaded and begged to stay put, but flat out refusing? This would be a first.
It’s how I’ve stayed alive this long.
“What are you saying?” She asks, knowing exactly what I mean, but so shocked by the implications that she needs me to confirm it for her.
“What if I didn’t run anymore? What if… What if I stayed?”
“You’d be bringing an all-out fucking war to the streets of Deacon Hill, you know that.” She chastises.
“I know. I’m saying, what if I stayed and fought? We have to put an end to this shit, Lizzy. If we don’t do it now, we might not get the chance. And like you said, we have the upper hand.”
“You could die, Remi.”
“They’re going to kill me anyway!” I scream, letting out a humorless laugh. “You’re not naïve enough to think otherwise and neither am I.”
“There are still some loose ends that haven’t been tied. It won’t be perfect. Some of the things we’ve been aiming for will fall through the cracks.”
“Maybe that’s a risk I’m willing to take.” I whisper, shrugging at her words that I wish weren’t true, but aren’t enough to make me abandon this newfound strength.
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