So, no, we are not the same.
I glance at my perfect little girl standing next to me. She looks exactly like Remi. I mean, exactly like her. Her inky black, pin-straight hair, her captivating yellow eyes, the way one side of her mouth tilts up when she tells a joke. But her nose… I see that nose every day when I look in the mirror. It’s the only piece of her that isn’t an exact replica of her mother.
I squeeze her little hand in mine, still blown away by the fact that she’s standing here with me right now. When her beautiful eyes find mine, she smiles up at me as if I’m the key to her happiness.
I have to look away to gather my bearings for a moment, not wanting her to see me like this. All messed up and out of sorts. She’s already wiped tears from my eyes today, and I don’t want to give her any reason to be anything but happy.
“Mommy says we live with Daddy now.” She exclaims, clapping her little hands together.
She said we. Not just her, we.
The thought of Remi underneath the same roof as me right now makes me want to blow up my own house just to keep her out of it. I can’t stand the thought of being in the same room with her, let alone sharing a living space. I need time. Probably a lot of it if I’m being honest.
I forgave her every time she took off without explanation. I forgave her every time she came back, never demanding the answers I damn well deserved. I forgave her when I thought she had an abortion, once she explained the partial truths she was willing to part with.
But keeping my beautiful, perfect, daughter from me for three years?
How am I supposed to forgive that?
From the outside looking in, I finally got everything I’ve ever asked for. I got my girl, I got my daughter, and we’re all right here together in Deacon Hill. My entire family is here, and I own a shop with my best friends, something we’ve dreamt up since we were kids with skinned knees playing in the backyard.
I’m supposed to be living my dream life right now.
But how am I supposed to do that when I can’t even look at the woman I’ve loved for over a decade right now?
“Mommy is gonna stay with Auntie Lizzy until they’re feeling better. But yes, you’re going to come live with me.”
“Forever?” She asks, a look of awe covering her tiny features.
“Forever and ever.” I tell her, chuckling a little at the sight of her excitement.
“Mommy always pwomised. But I like heawing you say it.”
At least she kept her promises to someone.
Our hands stay linked together as we wait for the FBI agent to bring her booster seat and overnight bag over to my truck that Abel brought to the hospital for me when I called. He had lots of questions about everything that went down yesterday, but thankfully he was understanding when I told him I’d explain everything at dinner tonight.
They’re all in for a hell of a surprise, I know that much for sure.
Oaklynn’s little fingers dig in a little deeper, as if she’s afraid I might disappear if she lets go. I understand the feeling all too well. If I’m being honest, I’m afraid that I’ll go to sleep to find out this was all some sick and twisted dream and that she’ll be gone before I ever got a chance to be her dad.
She squeals with glee as I pick her up, tossing her in the air. When she lands back in my arms, she snuggles in my chest, giggling softly.
“You’re strong, Daddy!”
I chuckle to myself as I place her in her booster seat, making sure she’s strapped in safely. I double and triple check all the harness points, realizing for the first time that I’m the one in charge of my baby girl’s safety.
Holy shit, I have a daughter!
I clear my throat to rid myself of the emotions bubbling inside of me, needing to keep my composure as much as possible.
“You hungry, Oak?”
“I’m not a Oak!” She laughs. “Oak is a tree, Daddy. I not a tree.”
I smile to myself as I kiss her nose before closing her door and hopping in the driver’s seat.
“I dunno, you kinda look like a tree.” I tease, pulling out of the parking lot.
“Then you have weird trees here.”
I laugh out loud this time, watching in the rearview mirror as my reaction fills my little girl with a sense of pride. I didn’t think three-year-olds could be so funny. I’ve been around my fair share of kids in my lifetime, but none of them are as funny as my little girl.
“You didn’t answer the question, baby girl. Are you hungry?”
I glance at her in the rearview mirror and find her looking down at her stomach, pinching each side of it. I scrunch my nose in confusion, wondering what the hell she’s doing, before she glances back up at me.
“My tummy says yes.”
“Your tummy talks to you?” I laugh.
“Yours doesn’t?”
The look of utter shock on her face does me in, making it impossible to contain my laughter.
Fuck, where does she get this wicked sense of humor from?
I can’t wait to find out what kind of funny shit she says next. I almost want to start talking nonsense just to see how she responds.
“My parents, your grandparents, are having a big dinner tonight with some of my friends. I thought we could surprise them by letting them meet you. You okay with that?”
“Oh, I love friends! Will we have strawbewwy eye-scream after? That’s my favorite.”
I laugh out loud again. Eye-scream.
She said eye-scream!
Holy shit, how adorable can one tiny little human be?
“We can pick some up on the way.”
She dances in her seat, clearly pleased with the prospect of dessert.
As we pull up outside of the market near my parents’ house to grab some ice cream, I pull out my phone to text the last person I want to talk to right now. The fact that I even need to ask these kinds of things about my own child pisses me off.
B: Is Oaklynn allergic to anything that I should know about?
R: Amoxicillin, but no food or anything like that.
B: How did you find out she was allergic to that?
R: She got strep when she was two. They gave her a dose before we left the doctor and her throat closed up. They had to use an epi-pen and then wrote her a different prescription to take home.
I hate how much I don’t know about my own daughter. How much of her life I’ve missed out on. I should’ve been allowed to be there for her, I should already know all of these things. I should have been the one to hold her that night as she fell asleep, exhausted from the day’s events.
Instead, she was taken from me. Hidden away like all of the other truths her mother kept from me.
I put my phone back in my pocket, taking a deep breath to bottle up the rage I feel toward Remi. I inhale several times, in through the nose, out through the mouth. The same things I’ve said to Max, Bree, and Sonya when they needed reassurance and help to stay grounded.
Once I feel more in control of myself again, I move to open Oaklynn’s door, holding her hand as she jumps out of the truck, landing on her feet, and sticking the landing. She’s got such a beautiful adventurous spirit.
Just like her mother.
I shake away the thought. It might be immature, to say the least, but I don’t want to think positive thoughts about Remi right now. I can’t let my love and admiration for her strength erase what she did.
Oaklynn skips alongside me with our hands locked together as we make our way through the grocery store. A few older shoppers smile at my beautiful daughter when she waves at them. They wave back, wiggling their fingers in a playful manner that causes Oaklynn to blush and giggle into my side.
For a kid to be so happy and carefree, she seems to be shy when it comes to getting attention. I probably should have considered that more before I ambushed everyone with her tonight. Before I ambushed her with a rowdy house full of people who have zero idea that she’s even
alive…
Fuck, maybe this was a bad idea.
“What do I call them?” Oaklynn asks as we walk out of the grocery store, her favorite ice cream in hand.
“What do you call who?”
“Your Mommy and Daddy. You say they’re my gwandpawents, but I never had those before.”
My heart aches at her declaration. She could have had them all her life had Liz and Remi said anything before now. She deserved to have them in her life. Instead, she calls her mom’s FBI handler auntie, and she never got to meet Henry because she’s never been to Deacon Hill before now.
It wasn’t just me who’s missed out on so much in the last three years. It wasn’t just me that Liz and Remi did such an injustice to. It’s Oaklynn too. She was deprived of her family in a way that no child should ever have to experience.
“You can call them grandma and grandpa. Or nana and papa. You can ask them, maybe they have some ideas.” I tell her once she’s safely secured in her booster seat.
Yes, I did double and triple-check the harness points again. I have a feeling I’ll be doing that until she outgrows the damn thing. I’m a protector by nature, and I’ve never had to protect anything so precious before today.
We remain silent as we pull out of the parking lot. My brain is racing with the twenty thousand things I need to do to get my house ready for Oaklynn while she watches outside the window with a concentrated look.
New bed. I need to let her pick out her own bedding. Clothes. Toys, lots and lots of toys. Dresser. Rug. Hangers. Shit, I need to install some kind of security system.
Are cameras inside the house too much?
I want to be able to see her at all times, no matter which room she’s in.
Wait, is that even legal?
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Am I gonna be a shitty dad?
“Hey, Daddy?” She asks when I stop at a red light.
Her voice sounds so small and vulnerable, nothing like the brave and bold little girl I’ve known for only a few short hours.
“What’s up, baby girl?” I ask, turning to face her head-on.
“I love you. You know that?”
Thump. Thump. Thump.
The beating of my heart intensifies, hearing those little words. The uncertainty in her voice kills me. I hate that she felt the need to make sure I know. It’s as if she’s trying to make up for lost time. She knows we couldn’t be together before now, but did Remi tell her that I didn’t know she existed before today?
“I do know that. And I’ll never get tired of hearing you say that. It might be my favorite thing you’ve ever said.”
She smiles, the vulnerability leaving her at my declaration.
“I tell you a zillion times a day.”
“Is that a promise?”
“Wanna pinky pwomise?” She asks, sticking her pinky in the air, inviting me to bond in her sacred oath.
I link my pinky with hers, squeezing a little tighter than necessary.
“I love you, Oak.”
“I love you too, Daddy Tree.”
I laugh at her new nickname for me, turning around when the light goes green.
As I pull onto the street where my parents live, a little of my anxiety about everyone meeting Oaklynn dissipates. But only a little. Even if they’re shocked at first, I know that it will just as quickly transform into awe. It’s impossible not to immediately fall in love with her the minute you meet her.
As I park against the curb, I hear Oaklynn suck in a breath, eyes bouncing off of all the cars parked outside of my parent’s house. There’s a shit ton of people here, I’m not even going to try and downplay that.
I take off my seatbelt and turn all the way around, just taking a moment to memorize the way her whole face lights up with excitement.
“You have lots of friends, Daddy!” She squeals.
“I didn’t tell them I was bringing you, I thought we could make it a surprise!” I tell her, being honest so that she doesn’t get nervous when her appearance undoubtedly causes a mix of different reactions.
“Yay, it’ll be fun!”
Her hands clap together so fast in a blur, they look like little hummingbird wings. Her Mommy may call her little wolf, but from here on out, she’ll be Daddy’s little hummingbird.
“Let’s go surprise everyone, Little Hummingbird.” I say, testing out the new nickname to see how she responds.
“Pretty birdie, Daddy. I like that.”
Hummingbird it is.
Hand in hand, we walk to the front door. I take in a big lungful of air to steady myself before crossing the threshold.
This is the last moment I get Oaklynn all to myself.
I crouch down beside her, tucking back a lock of her raven black hair.
How did I help create such a beautiful little girl?
“Are you nervous?” I ask.
“No, I like making new friends.”
Her smile is so bright that it instills me with the last bit of confidence that I need to actually open the door and walk inside. Together, Oaklynn and I move to the back of the house, to the second living room my parents converted into a game/theater room when my brothers and I were growing up.
The closer we get, the louder the conversation grows. The more boisterous the laughs become. Oaklynn and I devise a plan for her to hide her little body behind my legs so that when I introduce her, she can hop out from behind me and surprise everyone.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a ball of nerves on the inside, but I’ve always been a ‘rip the band-aid off’ kind of guy.
Moving as one, her tiny body my new shadow, we walk into the big open room.
“Brody!” The guys cheer, raising their cups in salute when they see me.
“Where’s your company?” My mom asks, eyes moving to the doorway I just walked through, waiting for someone else to appear.
No doubt she’s hoping that I’ve finally moved out of the Remi slump I’ve existed in for so long and am about to bring a woman home.
Keep dreamin’, Mom.
No matter how angry I am at her right now, Remi is the only one for me. I’ve always known that. There’s no moving past her. There’s only moving past the shit that keeps me at an arm’s length from her.
“Uh, I have someone I want to introduce everyone to.” I tell them, my voice a little shaky.
I take a second to meet eyes with everyone in the room. First, my mom and Dad, who are cuddled up on the couch together. Next, both of my brothers, their significant others tucked in their sides, as they stand behind my parents, engrossed in conversation. Moving on to Abel and Max, who are both holding a twin on their hips. My eyes stick on Dex’s a moment too long as he stands to Abel’s left side, Bree tucked in front of him, both of their hands resting on top of her huge, pregnant belly. Then there’s Sonya and Talon, adorably cuddled up together on the couch with my parents, with Kat and Jake on the other side of them. Last, I meet eyes with Karen and Ryan who are sitting on the floor in what appears to be a heated game of Scrabble.
Now, all eyes are on me as they wait for me to bring in the guest of honor.
I turn behind me, where no one else can see.
“You ready, Hummingbird?”
She smiles as big as she can, flashing me a thumbs up before she steps out from behind my legs, revealing herself to all of my friends and family. One of her hands wraps around my leg, gluing herself to my side. With a smile on her face, she brings her other hand up to wave at all the faces starring back at her in a mixture of shock and confusion.
“Hi, everyone.” She says, seeming way more put together than I feel.
Without taking her eyes off of my perfect daughter, my mom breaks the silence, the stillness of the room.
“And what’s your name, beautiful?”
With eyes that look exactly like her mother’s, my daughter looks at me to seek reassurance before answering the question. I nod, encouraging her to answ
er.
She turns back to the room full of people, and with a strong voice, she changes everything.
“I’m Oaklynn.”
Gasps of shock leave everyone’s lips. Everyone knows who she is. Everyone realizes what this means. Too many eyes to count flit back and forth between Oaklynn and me, the reality of the situation settling in. Oaklynn is here, alive. With me. With them. With us.
My mother rises from her seat on the couch, tears slipping down her cheeks, and crouches in front of her only grandchild. Her trembling fingers reach out, touching Oaklynn’s cheeks in reverence.
“You have no idea how much I’ve always wanted to meet you.” My mom says with incredibly shaky words. “I’m your Nana, Oaklynn.”
With one arm still locked around my leg, Oaklynn uses her other hand to wipe the tears off of my mother’s face, the same way she did to me earlier today.
“Daddy cried when he saw me too.” She says, sounding too wise to only be three years old.
“When did Daddy get to see you?” My mother asks, gently probing for more information.
“Today in the hopspipal.” She says, her cute mispronunciation bringing a smile to my mother’s lips. “Mommy beat the bad guys. Now we can be with Daddy.”
I watch as a million questions swirl in my mom’s eyes. I know how much restraint it’s taking her to not blurt them all out. I’ve been wanting to quiz Oaklynn all day in the hopes of getting some answers. But I just can’t bring myself to interrogate her like that. It feels wrong, dirty.
My mom gives me that look. You know, the Mom look. The one that says we will absolutely be talking about this later. And by later, what she really means is that I better find a way to give her the information before I go home tonight.
Or else.
I wonder if I’ll develop that kind of look someday.
Do dads give that kind of look? Or is it specific to moms?
“Oh, cute babies! Can I play with them?” Oaklynn asks, moving on to lighter conversation, as her eyes sparkle with glee when she sees Max and Abel’s twins.
“We were just about to go play outside in the backyard. If your Daddy is okay with it maybe you can come and play with us.” Max says, clearly siding with my mom about providing answers.
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