by C. C. Piper
She chewed on her bottom lip, reminding me of our night together. As casually as I could, I shifted my position, annoyed at my body rising to the occasion at such an inappropriate time. We’d already been there, done that together. That’s what put us into this precarious position to begin with, and it was time that my overzealous libido got the memo.
“All right,” she relented.
“Thank you for letting me be with you today.”
“I’m glad you’re here.”
Teardrops coated her eyelashes and the connection to her I felt earlier increased in strength. It must be because of the baby. We may have started on this journey together inadvertently, but now that we’d created this precious new lifeform together we needed to develop better communication skills.
We’d have to have lots of discussions back and forth over the coming months. Once the baby was born, we’d need to be open enough to interact about custody and other vital issues. Even if it was too early to discuss all that just yet.
Usually, I thought time passed slowly, but July was just around the corner. We had to prepare, and it would probably benefit each of us to know one another better, and not in the biblical sense.
“How about we agree to a couple of weekly lunches on me, say Mondays and Fridays at one? You pick the place. I’ll go to all your appointments and be open to anything else you want my input on. Would that work for you?”
She visibly relaxed. “I’d like that.”
“Got your phone?” She handed it over and I programmed it with my number, then sent a text from hers. Now we were officially in each other’s contact lists. “Just let me know where you want to meet and whether you’d like me to pick you up.”
Dr. Carrey arrived with the sonogram pics, and we both stared at them for a minute, stunned by the enormity of what we saw. My heart pounded in my chest, not with fear, but with love for my child. I hadn’t known I could feel this way about anything or anyone, and again, I had to force myself to blink back the burning behind my eyes.
Maybe our circumstances weren’t ideal, but for that palm-sized human being, we needed to learn how to get along. We’d have to make this work somehow.
One way or another.
13
Jessie
On the day of my sonogram appointment, I discovered something I never would’ve considered prior to then: It would be dangerously easy to fall for a man like Trevor Keller.
Not that I ever would.
And there was even less of a chance that he might fall for me. That kind of stuff only happened in movies and books, not in reality. But when he’d promised that he would do whatever it took to be there for our baby, I just … melted.
He’d probably disappoint me and break that promise somewhere along the way, but I wanted to believe that he would do the right thing. More than anything, I’d love it if my baby had the opportunity to grow up with a father, a dedicated man he or she could count on. I wanted a better life for my baby than the one I’d had.
I’d never known who my real biological father was or if he was even aware of my existence. I had no other male family members who were still living. And my mother’s boyfriend …
Well, I wasn’t about to go there.
So for this baby to have a positive male role model would be a dream come true. The only example I had of such a person was Ashley’s dad, even though he’d died when she was six. She had fond memories of him, though. Happy family portraits she’d shown me. She’d loved him and he’d loved her and her mom. I was glad she’d experienced that if only for a short while.
Since my best friend had to attend a meeting, I hopped in the shower and made some frozen chicken nuggets and boxed macaroni and cheese for us. I also pulled a boiled egg out of the fridge, one Ashley had set aside for me. She’d been making several up in batches since I craved eggs all the time now.
It was so sweet of her, especially considering she hated them. When I’d mentioned that she didn’t have to go to all that trouble, she’d simply mentioned that the protein was good for me and the baby. I didn’t know what I’d do without her.
Ashley had spoiled me so much lately, and I wanted to return the favor, even if this dinner I was preparing for her was nowhere near made from scratch.
“Jess, honey? Where are you?” she called out as soon as she walked in.
I came out of our narrow galley kitchen brandishing the printouts of my sonogram. “Wanna see?”
She beamed at me. “Oooh, gimme gimme!”
Ashley poured over the photos, tracing my baby’s profile with an index finger. “So adorable. Could they tell if it was a boy or a girl?”
I gave her the last picture, one I’d been hiding behind my back, and she giggled like a twelve-year-old. I did too, thinking of Trevor’s reaction to our baby seemingly mooning us like a drunken frat boy.
“Well,” my roomie said, “I take that as a no.”
“No. Not this time. But they’ve scheduled me for another sonogram closer to my delivery date. Maybe the little pill will behave once it’s grown some.”
“Did the father show?” she asked me next, and I could hear the hesitancy in her tone.
“He did.”
“And?”
“And he was great. Really,” I told her. Recounting how Trevor had plied Dr. Carrey with twenty questions before promising to be there for the baby. Of course, at that part I got awfully misty-eyed.
“I’m so glad. I worried about you all day.”
Ashley had accompanied me on each of my other appointments. She’d been my rock. But today, she’d had a meeting with her academic advisor that she couldn’t reschedule. Trevor volunteering to be with me instead had come at the most serendipitous moment.
“Do you think he’ll man up and stay by your side?” was her next query, as her gaze assessed me.
“That would be so nice. He said he would and he sounded genuine, but who knows? I guess the proof will be in the pudding.”
It would be fantastic if Trevor wound up being as dependable as I needed him to be, but I wasn’t about to hold my breath. Still, I allowed my thoughts to wander to the zing of desire I’d felt when he’d held my hand earlier. It was so ridiculous. Getting turned on by a guy innocently pressing his palm to mine—especially when I remembered what else we’d done together—but I had.
I’d felt a powerful pull toward him, one I couldn’t deny. But it was probably just a side effect of the pregnancy, right? Hormones gone astray? That must be what it was. My body had begun to feel different, and that frightened me so much. My first pregnancy hadn’t progressed to this point, so this was all uncharted territory for me.
Up till today, my concentration had been on problem solving and trying not to panic. Ashley was going to help me, and somehow, I’d go step by step and muddle through. At least, that was what I’d imagined myself doing. Yet when I saw those sonogram images, something warm inside me flowed from my heart and outwards.
When I’d made the decision to keep my baby, it’d been partially because I thought I’d never forgive myself if I got rid of it and partially because ending the pregnancy just felt wrong.
And now, seeing those miniscule fingers and toes …
Seeing the shape of its delicate little head …
It was overwhelming.
For the first time, I realized that I was feeling love for my baby, the deepest kind of love. And somehow, no matter what happened between Trevor and me, I knew I’d do whatever it took to become the best mommy I could.
The first lunch I shared with Trevor was at a local home cooking place that served breakfast all day long. That had been intentional on my part. And when he heard my order, he waited until our server departed, then commented on it.
“An omelet for lunch, huh? With feta cheese, salami, and pickles. Do you always eat in such an unconventional manner or is this the pregnancy talking?” he asked me, quirking his lips upwards.
I answered his question with another question. “You ever watch Scrubs?�
��
“Yeah.”
“There’s this episode where Turk begs and begs his wife to make him brinner, where breakfast is dinner.”
His grin widened. “I remember. Are you saying that’s you?”
“Yes, but being pregnant has only exacerbated my weird appetite. I think it’s the whole egg thing. I can’t seem to get enough of them.”
“So instead of getting you some takeout pizza, you’d rather I show up with egg fu young or scrambled eggs?”
I tried to visualize this and had to laugh. “Sounds challenging and possibly messy.”
“Probably would be. But I’d figure out a way to do it for you.”
I peered over at him, feeling like a lovesick puppy. Then, I snapped myself out of it. While I was glad he was being nice to me, this was temporary. He was doing it because I was having his child, not because I personally meant anything to him. I needed to make sure I kept my perspective where he was involved. Time to get back down to what these lunches were supposed to be about.
“So, we’re here to get to know one another better, right?”
“Yes,” he agreed.
“Let me summarize what I know about you so far. You live in an upscale apartment on the upper east side. You wear suits a lot. You like pizza with pineapple. And you like to ask tons of questions when in an unfamiliar situation. Care to add to that?”
I made a point of leaving certain things unsaid, like the fact that he used the Wish Maker to arrange dates for him, that he liked to pay for sex, and that he was exceedingly demanding and a bit kinky in the bedroom—as well as surprisingly gentle.
Whew, was it suddenly too hot in here? It was forty-five degrees outside, but they must have the heat cranked up in this restaurant. It might even be malfunctioning, since I was sweating. I took the little display they used to advertise current specials and fanned myself with it. Was it just my imagination or had his grin turned wolfish?
“Well,” he began, scooting forward in his chair. “I’m an investment banker. I moved here from New Orleans a few months back. I work about a million hours a week to advance my career. Being a success is really important to me.”
“Is that why you moved here? Your career?”
“Yes. I worked for a corporation owned by friends of my family for several years, but…” He paused in order to take a long drink of his sweet tea. “That position wasn’t taking me where I wanted to go.”
“What do investment bankers do?” I asked, not having a clue.
“Besides making money, you mean?” His tone was jovial, but I could tell something more serious underlaid that. “I guess it’s about security. When you help others invest wisely, it grows both their capital and their retirement. They grow their portfolios, and I benefit on the fiscal end of things. Knowing you have a nest egg set aside just in case is comforting. I help people have the most profitable nest eggs possible.”
I wondered just how much money he made in a year. It had to be significant. Everything about him on the surface screamed wealth. Yet, he wasn’t some uppity snob, either. Though we’d gone out to dinner at a posh location, he hadn’t put on airs or looked down his nose at anyone.
He’d been a bit of a dork to begin with, but then he’d made jokes and been laidback. I’d had a wonderful time overall. Once we’d gone to the hotel, things went from wonderful to steamy to straight up euphoric. And since I’d watched him choke up at the sonogram visit, I knew he had a more sensitive side to him, too.
While I couldn’t forget his reaction to me appearing at his door, he’d asked for forgiveness for that. I’d startled him with my revelation, and he hadn’t reacted well. The question was who was Trevor Keller? A nice guy with unorthodox sexual habits or a jerk trying to make nicey-nice for some other hidden purpose?
“Do you have any other children?” I asked next.
“No.”
“Ever been married?”
“No.”
“Why do you date the way you do?” This time, I held my breath, wondering if he would answer. There are personal questions, and then there are personal questions.
“It’s simpler. Or, it was,” he told me, regarding me with a raised eyebrow. “I discovered long ago that finding a date that is … compatible with me can be difficult. So I changed my methods. Knowing what I’m getting into takes out the guesswork. And since I’m not overly fond of guesswork …” He trailed off with a shrug.
Then, he turned the tables. “Okay, your turn. What I know is your full name, that you like brinner and eggs in general, and that you’re a Zumba instructor. Why don’t you fill me in?”
I opened my mouth only to close it again. I wasn’t sure how much to divulge. I could handle it if he only wanted the basic statistics, but I didn’t think I was ready to share my full tale of woe. That’d likely run him off for good. Maybe if I stuck to the safe topics.
“I was born and raised here in Brooklyn.”
“Ah, a true New Yorker,” he observed. “So you know all the secrets of the city.”
“Don’t know about that, but I understand the train conductors a lot better than tourists do. I translate for them sometimes.”
He chuckled. “I gotta admit, I rode the dumb thing once and that was enough. I almost missed my stop because I couldn’t make heads or tails of any of those announcements.”
I laughed, too. I occasionally found dealing with helpless tourists a bit of a hassle, but I was pretty certain if he’d asked me in his charming way, I would’ve been fine assisting him.
“I’m studying to become a teacher, or I was.”
“Was?”
“I dropped out once I discovered I was pregnant.”
“Why?” He expression wrinkled as if baffled. “Your college doesn’t have some archaic fucked up policy about expectant students or something do they?”
“No.” How did I explain this without giving too much away? “I just needed to focus on work.”
“Your Zumba?”
“Yeah. And last week I also added some hours as a personal trainer.” Lance had come through for me, thank God.
“And then there’s your time as an escort,” he said, looking away from me as he frowned. But I shook my head.
“That was only a one-time thing.”
“That time with me was your first and only time?”
“Yes. Once was more than enough.” And not only because of the pregnancy.
He seemed relieved, but then he scrutinized my features as if inspecting me for something I couldn’t see. “You never used our safe word. Did I do something that hurt you that night, and you didn’t tell me?”
“No.” Without thought, I reached out across the table to touch his arm. “I had a lovely time with you.”
“But …” His frown deepened. Since he seemed sincerely concerned, I decided to come clean.
“You didn’t hurt me. Not at all. I liked it, even the … rougher stuff. Honestly. But I didn’t like how it made me feel, the whole getting paid to do it part. So I decided I wouldn’t ever do it again.”
We grew quiet for a few minutes, each of us digesting what the other had said. Maybe I shouldn’t have told him the truth about my time with the Wish Maker, but I didn’t want him thinking I was some sort of hooker or whore. I cared about what he thought of me, and if he was of the same opinion as my mother, I couldn’t stand that. I took another bite but struggled to get it down. I no longer felt hungry.
“So, teaching, huh?” he broke the silence, and I was glad.
“Yes. Early Childhood.”
“How many semesters do you have before you can get your degree?”
Ugh. Just when I thought we’d hit upon an uncomplicated subject. “One.”
He frowned. “Okay, you lost me somewhere. Why on God’s green planet would you drop out so close to graduation?”
“I told you. So I could work.”
“Wait. Is this a money thing?”
Cheese and crackers, I channeled my inner Ashley. I probably should do t
hat anyway so that I didn’t curse in front of my innocent child. “I need to save up for the baby.”
“But …” He threw up his hands in exasperation, but then seemed to force himself to simmer down. “I guess your education is really none of my business. You’ve already deferred. But please tell me you’ll go back in the fall. I’m here now, and I can help.”
“Look, Trevor, that’s kind of you, but I like to make my own way. I appreciate you helping to support the baby, but that money won’t apply to me. I don’t like owing people, and I don’t want to owe you.”
He blinked at me a few times, but I would stand firm on this. It had taken me years to pay back my debt to those three friends who’d put me up when I was seventeen. It’d ruined those friendships, and I would always regret that.
Only Ashley had remained my friend, and I still owed her big. So big, I didn’t know if I’d ever manage to right things between us financially. The difference between her and everyone else was she and her mom loved me, and I loved them. While I was bound and determined to pay them back somehow, I had some wiggle room on the timetable.
But Trevor didn’t love me, and I didn’t love him. We were already more tangled up than I’d ever planned to be.
Again, there was a prolonged break in our conversation as we both looked anywhere but at each other. Finally, he took the steering wheel again.
“What type of music do you like?” This was from out of the blue, but he was trying so I would, too.
“Hard rock and R & B.”
He nodded as if in approval. “Good choices, though in deference to where I’m from, I have to add some Cajun and country to the mix. Favorite type of movie?”
“Action adventure and superhero movies. I’m kinda a nerd.”
“What, no chick flicks?” he teased, and his smile peeked at me again. With that scruff on his chin, he was way too handsome for his own good.
“No. I’ll watch one with Ashley now and again, but I’m not a huge fan.”