by C. J. Welles
“Don’t think like that. Everything will sort out,” I hear Krystal say and I look up to see her sitting on Bry’s lap.
“She outright lied to me. I asked her about visitin’ you and she lied, then when I pulled her up for it, she tried to lie to me again.”
“I know it’s hard, but you got to remember, Callie is used to being on her own. She’s not used to support or confiding in anyone,” Krystal says. “Remember I’ve known her for over three years, and she only told me a little about her past just a few months ago. I still don’t know everything. She only tells me little bits here and there, but as soon as I ask her anything she closes up.”
I lean back into the couch and rest my head on the back of it, looking up at the ceiling and sigh. Whoever said relationships are easy, as long as you love each other, are full of bullshit. This shit ain’t easy at all.
∞∞∞
Chapter 39
Callie
“IT’S FINE,” I say to Claudia who is fussing around me. I vomited after lunch and she is now worried about me. She also heard the argument Jace and I had two days ago. Actually, I think everyone heard the argument we had. Since then she has been checking in on me hourly to see that I’m okay.
I’ve seen Jace for a total of five minutes in the past two days. He doesn’t come in at meal times with the others and has been sleeping in his old room.
“Call me if you’re sick again,” Claudia says to me, as she places a blanket over my feet before leaving.
I turn to my side and cuddle Jace’s pillow to my chest before curling up. I have no energy today and just want to sleep. The nightmares have come back stronger than ever before and I got hardly any sleep last night. I close my eyes and welcome sleep.
After a few hours of broken sleep, I give up and head for the shower. I still feel queasy and hopefully, a shower will make me feel better. I stand under the shower head, and let the hot water wash over me for twenty minutes while I clean myself. I never have long showers like that, but today I need it. I still feel sick when I get out, but I will survive. Just as I’m pulling my jeans up there is a knock on the door.
“Come in,” I say when I’m clothed. I expect Claudia or Jace to walk through the door, but it’s Bryson. “Hey, what’s going on?” I ask, then sit on the chair in the corner of the room.
“Not a lot, just checkin’ in on you,” he says and sits on the end of the bed. It’s a bit weird having him in here. Actually, it’s really friggin weird.
“Ah, thank you. I’m fine now though. Claudia just worries about nothing.”
“Didn’t know you are sick, sorry. I’m here about you and Jace,” he says, then pauses. “I know you and I got off to a rocky start, but we’re friends now.” I nod. “What’s goin’ on with you two?” he asks.
“We’re fine,” I answer, and he raises his eyebrow and shakes his head.
“I’ve heard Krystal and Jace talkin’ about it.” That pisses me off that they are talking behind my back. “Callie, I know you are a good person. I know you wouldn’t hurt Jace intentionally. But come on, whatever is goin’ on, why not just tell him. He is hurtin’ and I can see you are as well.”
“I don’t want to tell him. I don’t want him to see me as weak and I don’t want him to know what it’s doing to me,” I say quietly.
Bryson stands and walks over to me and pulls me in for a hug. “Callie, what’s goin’ on inside your pretty head?”
“Everything,” I say with a sob. “There is so much going on, I don’t know how to function some days. God Bryson, if it wasn’t for Jace I would have ended my own life by now,” I say as another loud sob breaks free. “I thought I was better,” I whisper. “I’m happy with Jace and I love Jace, but God, I just hate myself.” I try to wipe away the tears that are falling on Bryson’s top. “I hate my childhood, I hate my mother and I hate Martin. God, I hate myself more, when I think about who I was before I met Jace,” I say with a hateful tone.
“Get it all out,” Bry says, while he still holds me.
“How do I tell him this? He won’t want me anymore,” I brokenly say. “If I tell him I can’t stand to be alone because I freak out. That I get panic attacks just sitting in my own house when Jace isn’t there. That I honestly wish I had of died years ago, instead of going through what I went through. How do I tell him, that the other day I contemplated killing myself because I can’t deal with the thoughts and memories that plague me? But when I thought of him I knew I couldn’t do it.” I pull away from Bryson and stand to walk over to look out of the window. “Some days I think I should leave him. If he knows what is really going on in my head, he won’t want to be with a basket case like me.”
“Do you honestly think that?” Bry asks. “Do you really think he would leave you? If you do, you don’t know him as well as you think. If you think that of him, you really mustn’t love him like you say. I know Jace, and I know he would never leave you. Jeez, I’ve known him for my whole life and he’s never turned his back on the ones he loves. He never turns his back on someone who needs him. I also know he has never loved anyone like he loves you.”
“Everyone who I’ve ever loved leaves me and hurts me. Jace will eventually leave me like everyone else.”
“If he does, it’s only because you have pushed him away. You need to have more faith in your fiancé. You need to tell him everythin’ you have told me, and you need to tell him the rest. If not, you two will only end up breakin’ each other,” Bry says, softly but sternly. “I love you both, but you need to fix this,” he says, before walking out the door.
I grab my iPod out of my sweatshirt pocket and put my earphones in and blast Far Away by Nickelback. This song, for some reason, makes me feel.
*
Jace
“WHAT’RE YOU DOIN’ here?” I growl at Bry, when I see him walking out of the house. I think growling is all I seem to be doing these days, but I’m pissed off.
“Nothin’. I’m headin’ home now,” he says as he walks to his truck. “Oh, and I know you and Callie are having issues, but you should go check on her,” he says as he jumps up into the cab of his truck.
“What do you know about Callie?”
“That she is strugglin’ and she needs you.”
“I’ve tried to be there for her, but she doesn’t want me. She keeps pushin’ me away.”
“You know her, Jace. She does want you, she just doesn’t want to hurt you.” He starts up his truck and drives away.
I head inside and look for Callie for the first time in over forty-eight hours. Even though I love her, I haven’t been able to be near her. I find Claudia in the living room ironing while watching those stupid daytime television shows. “Where’s Callie at?”
“Her room. You be nice to her, she’s unwell.”
I turn and head for the stairs climbing two at a time. I walk in and find her standing at the window looking out. She turns and looks at me and I see her face is blotchy red, and I know she has been crying. “What’s happened?” I ask her.
“Nothing.” I go to say something, but she cuts me off. “I vomited earlier,” she says, as she sits on the bed.
“Are you okay now? Why have you been cryin’?”
“I’m fine. Just feeling off,” she says quietly.
“Okay.” I stand and watch her while she fiddles with her sweatshirt zipper. “Is this what we have come to?” I ask. “Just little chit-chat as if we are strangers?”
“No,” she says with a sigh.
I sit on the end of the bed just within reach of her. “Bry said he came to visit you and that you need me,” I say and wait for her to say something, but she doesn’t. “I’m tryin’ here Callie. I have been tryin’ for the past few weeks while I knew you’ve been off God knows where. Christ, I sat there and let you lie to me repeatedly when you said you’d been to see Krystal. I’ve told you over and over I’m here for you. Fuck me, Callie, I shouldn’t have to tell you though. I’m marrying you. When I marry you, I marry everythin’ to do w
ith you.”
“I know you’re here for me. I’ve never doubted it,” she says.
“Well, why won’t you tell me what’s goin’ on?”
“Because you will leave me. You won’t want anything to do with me if I tell you what the hell is going on.”
“Callie, how the hell can you think that? The only way I would ever leave you is if you cheated on me.”
“I just don’t know anymore,” Callie whispers.
“What about? You can’t honest to God think I would leave you? After all, we have been through.” I wait for her to answer, but she doesn’t. “You do. You think I will leave you. Callie, what the hell? Have you cheated on me?” I yell.
“What? No!” She says, and I hear a sob rip from her throat. “I don’t know how to do it anymore Jace. I don’t know how to live with it. I thought I had put it all behind me. But it’s worse than ever,” she says defeated.
I stand up, not being able to sit any longer while I can clearly see Callie self-destructing right in front of me. “What can’t you deal with?” I ask, while I stand a few feet away from her.
“Everything,” she replies.
I walk up and stand in front of her and lift her chin up with my thumb and forefinger. “What is, baby?” I ask softly.
“All of it. The nightmares, the depression and the anxiety attacks I have when you’re out. I can’t do it anymore. Some days I wish I could end it all, but I don’t want to leave you. It’s all so fucking hard. Ever since I heard from Jimmy that Martin had died, it started again and has been getting worse,” Callie says while sobbing.
“Baby, why didn’t you just tell me what’s goin’ on?” I ask as I pull her up into my arms. Her sobs become louder as she cries into my chest.
“I didn’t want you to think I’m a nutcase. God Jace, every day you leave the house I freak out. I hate to be here on my own without you. Is that what you want to hear? That I’m fucked in the head and attached to you,” she says angrily. “That I hate being anywhere on my own. That I hate being out with strangers. That my whole head is stuffed up at the moment. The other day I was sitting at the dam and I was thinking how easy it would be to just take my own life. I sat there and thought of how I would do it,” she whispers so quietly I nearly don’t hear her.
That fucking hurts. That my girl was thinking of killing herself and didn’t come to me. It hurts that she has been going through this and she thought she had to do it on her own. No one should have to go through this by themselves.
“Every day I have pictures and memories replaying in my head over and over of what Martin did to me. And then I think of the money he offered me. How the hell could he think that it would make up for what he’s done? He ruined me. He’s still ruining me. Fucking hell, my life is falling apart because of him and he’s not even here. I hate you seeing me weak like this. Seeing me break down like a mental person.”
“Callie, this is what I’m here for. Baby, I’m here for better or worse. You are not a mental person. You are someone who’s had people hurt you and abandon you, all your life. The people who should’ve loved you and protected you, have hurt you instead. It would damage the strongest of us,” I say, as I pull back and look into her eyes. Her cheeks and eyes are puffy and red. She has tears silently sliding down her face and I wipe one away with my thumb. “I’m here for you to tell me all of this, so you don’t have to suffer alone.”
“Until you leave me.”
“I’m not leavin’ you, Angel,” I say sternly.
“Jace, everyone hurts me and leaves me. You soon will,” she says, and steps back from me then turns and walks out of the bedroom.
∞∞∞
Chapter 40
Callie
“CALLIE, DON’T WALK away from me,” Jace calls out as I walk down the stairs. I keep walking until I get to the kitchen and grab a bottle of water from the fridge. “Fucking hell Callie. What has gotten into you? I said I’m here for you and then you just walk off,” he yells, just as he walks into the room. “How the hell did we get here? We were fine only weeks ago.”
Because I’m fucked in the head, that’s why. Because every time I’m alone, I want things to end. I don’t tell him that though. It will only piss him off more.
“How do you not see what’s right in front of your face? I’m not going anywhere. I came into this relationship knowing about your past. I know you still have flashbacks from your past. I know about your daughter. I know it all and I’m still here. The only thing that could ever make me leave, is you pushin’ me away like you are. God, if you would just trust me a little, things would be so much better.”
“I don’t know how to,” I whisper to myself. Everyone who I’ve trusted in the past, or should’ve been able to trust has hurt me. How do I trust Jace to help me and not leave me?
“You are making things much harder than they have to be, Callie,” Jace says, as he leans down on the back of the dining chair and drops his head.
I don’t want to make things harder. But I’m scared. I’m scared of losing someone again. I’m scared of losing the only good in my life.
When I don’t say anything, he growls and looks up at me. “I can’t deal with this shit anymore. If you won’t help yourself, how am I supposed to help you?” he says brokenly. “How the fuck are we supposed to get married in a few months when you won’t even talk to me? What kind of marriage are we going to be entering?”
“I’m trying, Jace,” I say weakly.
“No, you’re not, Callie,” he yells and slams the chair into the table, which makes me flinch. “You’re shuttin’ me out,” he says, as he walks to the door. He looks over his shoulder at me. “Once you can get your shit together come to me. Until then, I’m out,” he says, just before he slams the door.
It takes me a moment to realize what he said. I run out of the kitchen and to the front door. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, I can’t do this anymore. I’m sick of bein’ shut out. Until you can see what is right in front of you, we’re over. Get your fucking shit together then come back to me,” he yells, then storms down the steps and to the stables.
I slowly walk back inside in a daze.
“Honey, things will never change if you don’t let him in,” Claudia says from behind me. I don’t answer her as I walk into the kitchen and stand at the window, looking out at the hills in the distance.
Claudia gets busy making dinner as I continue standing there watching the clouds out of the window. I can hear her humming away while cooking and am glad someone is happy with life. A little while later I see Jace ride past on Brock, and I feel my heart tear a little more. I want to go after him, but I don’t know how to. I know I am losing him. I know at the back of my mind I have pushed him away, but how do I change a lifetime of insecurities? I don’t know how to.
Pulling myself out of my daze, I say thanks to Claudia as she hands me a glass of iced tea. “Take this and go sit in the living room or out on the porch and read a book. Rest for a bit and when Jace comes back, try talking to him. Nothin’ will work out if you go after him now, but if you just ignore the situation it will get worse.”
“It can’t get any worse than him saying we’re over,” I say quietly.
“No, hun. You know he didn’t mean it like that. Try think of how he feels. It’s like what you’ve said about Krystal. She won’t talk to you or confide in you. You’ve said about it numerous times. Imagine how Jace feels. He loves you, but you won’t let him help you.”
I know this. I know all of this, but actually doing it is scary.
“I know, Claudia. Thanks,” I say, as she wraps an arm around my shoulder for a quick hug. I’m slightly surprised by her action. Apart from Jace and Krystal, no one’s shown me affection like that.
I grab my book from the desk in the office and head into the sunroom to lay down and read. Getting lost in Kyle and Lee’s world in Break my Fall by Chloe Walsh, I forget about what’s going on in my life. Maybe I should read more often, it makes
me relax. I’m just reading where they get hot and steamy for the first time when my cell rings. “Darn it.”
Looking at the screen I see Jane’s name pop as I answer it. “Hello love,” she says. “Just calling to check in this week.” Since Jane moved away to Austin a few months ago, she calls at least once a week for a chat. Sometimes we talk for several hours. We’ve been down to visit her a couple times, but she is yet to come back here for a visit.
“All is good,” I lie. “Just been working like crazy now that Jace and Jacks have the racehorse training program up and running.”
“They've been getting business then? Don’t you tell him, but I was worried about it when he said what they had planned.”
“I don’t really know anything about it, I just do the paperwork, but it seems to be making money. How’s Tubby going?” I ask, to get the conversation away from Jace. My heart aches to mention his name.
“He’s good. Oh, that reminds me, I’ve got to send you the new pictures of him.” Inside my head, I’m groaning. Tubby is her new cat companion. I love Jane and Tubby is cute, but she sends me way too many photos.
“Sounds good. Can’t wait to see them,” I reply. I think Jane gets a little bored and lonely. She’s a bit obsessed with the thing. Ever since she got him four weeks ago, she’s sent me new pictures of him every few days.
We talk for another ten minutes and she tells me about the volunteer job she does at a bookstore, that’s not too far away from where she lives.
“I’ve got some books I came across that I think you’ll like. I’m thinking of coming up soon for a visit, so I’ll bring them with me.”