"Hey," Gideon's voice called out upfront, pulling Jade out of her spiraling descent. "You ok? You're just standing there."
She could hear the worry in his voice. Grabbing her laptop, Jade turned around and gathered herself before returning back to the passenger seat with a smile she hoped went to her eyes.
"Yeah," she said breathlessly as she plopped back down in her seat. "I was mentally going over what I could make tonight for dinner, and I think I have everything for lasagna."
Gideon glanced at her, and she could feel those amber eyes reading her. "Yeah, that sounds good to me."
Thankfully, when they were packing and downsizing their lives to fit into the rig, Jade had been smart enough to grab the Instant Pot Sandra had given her for Christmas. With it, Jade had been able to cook homemade meals in the all-in-one machine, keeping their cost down and them both a whole lot healthier.
"I'm going to back up our schedule into our online calendar so you can look at it whenever you want, and then send off my homework while we got signal,” she said, opening the laptop’s screen. “Do you want me to send yours off?" she asked.
"Nope," he answered readily. Grabbing a pair of shades he had stored in the overhead pocket, he slipped them over his squinting eyes. “I already did mine last night while you slept."
Shocked, she turned to him and frowned. How late did he stay up? He needed his sleep, which was vital for this type of job. All the articles she read before they left stated that Over the Road truckers who were not careful usually lacked sleep and ate poorly. That was why she made sure they ate home-cooked meals nearly every night.
"Gideon, you shouldn’t stay up late doing—"
"Don't," he threw her a burning look over the dark rim of his glasses. "Just don't," he repeated evenly, his voice dangerously soft.
Shocked, Jade sat very still in her seat.
Clenching his teeth tight, as if he was swallowing his words and controlling his response, the muscles in Gideon's jaw jumped. "I don't want to hear advice from someone who won’t even talk to me," he ground out. "You think I don't notice your far-off stares and your watery eyes? That’s the fifth time I caught you standing somewhere in a trance, the last time was at the gas station in Coopersville."
Jade could see his knuckles hardening against the steering wheel and swallowed. The unexpected surge of anger filled up the cab, making it feel suddenly much smaller.
"I…" she began, but her words faded on her tongue. She wasn't sure what to say, or if she was even ready to say anything.
Seeing her poor attempt die on her tongue, Gideon's eyes glittering with fury slid away from her and back to the road. "Yeah, well, when you start talking to me, I'll start listening to you, how about that?"
~
Streetlights on the off-ramp illuminated the inside of the silent cab in a dull yellowish glow. Ahead of them, the bright white lights of the truck stop shined in the darkness like a welcome beacon of civilization. Pulling the truck to a stop at the light, he looked to his right. For nearly two nights now, they had hardly said a word to one another. Tired and angry, Gideon pulled the truck through the green light and towards the gas station. He could feel her eyes on him as he pulled it to a stop at an empty pump. Grabbing his wallet, he got out. He could feel her sadness and longing as he stepped out and closed the door, but he denied every urge within him to turn back and comfort her. Not this time, dammit. She needed to take the first step.
Nothing overtly pointed to one particular emotion for Gideon to latch onto and decipher. But ever since they left Stardust Cove, he could feel Jade begin to withdraw into herself further and further with each mile. Pretending to look out the right rearview mirror, far more than what was needed, Gideon had watched her for miles in secret. The tears that had fallen so often in the first week seemed to stop falling down completely, leaving her watery hazel eyes to stare out onto the passing landscapes with a deep silent pensiveness. And the most infuriating thing was if he were to talk to her, she wouldn’t hesitate to respond. But once the topic naturally found its termination, Gideon would lose her all over again to her thoughts. It was driving him to the edge of his fucking sanity.
Tearing off the printed receipt from the pump, he stuffed it in his wallet so he could file it later before grabbing the handlebar outside of his door and pulling himself back up and into the truck. Sitting there as if she hadn't breathed, much less moved, Jade's wide waiting gaze settled back onto him.
"I'm hungry," he announced tersely. "Let's go to the diner."
As if startled by his announcement, Jade jumped in her seat. "We still have some leftover-"
"No," he cut her off, feeling his chest tighten at the flinch she gave at his gruff tone. Softer this time, he spoke again. "I want a burger, and I want to not eat in the truck tonight."
Solemnly, she nodded.
Dated would be a polite term for the diner that sat right next to the old truck stop. Covered in dirty beige and green linoleum tiles that reminded Gideon of split pea soup, with one look, it was apparent the place had never been renovated in its life. The diner’s layout, with its long galley-style design, forced you to enter at one end of the diner and walk down the narrow aisle with round, glittery blue vinyl bar stools lining the bar on their right and matching vinyl booths lining the windows on the left.
Sliding into a booth at the end near the fire exit door, he plucked a plastic menu from the condiment holder at the end of the table. The place was mostly empty, save for one portly trucker balancing his weight on a barstool at the other end of the bar and the middle-aged waitress and cook behind the black retro counter-top.
Looking at the menu in his hands, the quiet was finally dispelled by the light voice he had been waiting for two days now.
"Are you angry with me?"
Setting his menu down, Gideon looked up to Jade's worried face. She was wearing a red quilted jacket, a pair of dark blue skinny jeans, and black boots. She looked good. With her curly hair down around her shoulders, she looked like she was on vacation just sitting down at a dumpy truck stop for kicks, rather than living out of a truck day in and day out. Gideon ran a hand through his curls, he knew he looked exactly like he felt. Not bothering to put on any hair product, his curly hair sat on his head bushy and a little wild while his t-shirt was wrinkled, and his jacket and boots had flecks of mud all over them.
"No," he answered, locking his gaze with hers. "Are you angry with me?"
Her brows drew together, and she gave him a soft, "Of course not."
"I can’t tell, Jade," he said, his exasperation forcing his words out in one large breath. "I honestly can't tell. I mean, I know you don't want to be out here," he sighed, looking down at the yellow formica table in front of him. "Hell, it wasn't what I wanted either, but I thought at least we…" Gideon shook his head, feeling the angry despair he had been trying to hold back well back up within him. "At least if anything, we would have each other," he whispered.
Looking back up at her, he let his eyes drift away from the hollow pain he had been watching grow in her eyes and down to her thin shoulders. She had lost weight since they left, and that fact felt like a bullet to the chest, it felt like he had failed her right from the gate. Inhaling a deep breath, he gave her a resolute look. "So, I've been thinking, with the fifty thousand we have that Henry left us, we can try to go back to Stardust and try and find a place-"
"No Gideon," her tone was sharp for the small diner, and he could see the trucker at the bar turn to glance at them over his shoulder.
Covering his hand on the table, Jade gave Gideon a desperate look. "I don't want that. If we do that, then we'll have no choice but to put school on indefinite hold while working each day just to survive. That's not what dad would have wanted."
The tether within him snapped. That was his only plan, he had nothing else. If she didn't want that, then what else could he do.
"Then what do you want, Jade? Tell me!" Angrily, he grabbed her wrist and held it, afraid if he let go, sh
e would somehow slip even further away from him. Leaning over the table, he gave her a searching look. "Because I'm trying to go by the plan Henry gave us, I'm trying to cope with all of this, but it feels like you’re dying right next to me." Couldn't she see that?
"Is there a problem?" The sudden shadow over them brought both of their attention up to the waitress standing next to their booth. Clutching her notepad, the waitress stared down at where Gideon held onto Jade's wrist. Not letting go, Gideon glared back at the woman, who immediately turned to Jade to give her a worried look. "Ma'am, are you all right?"
Realizing what the worried look on the woman's face meant, Jade turned her hand until she was clutching his and nodded. "Yes, yes, of course," she rushed to explain. "I'm sorry he is just my brother, thank you, I promise everything is fine. Thank you."
Getting up from her seat, Jade slid into the booth next to him, forcing him to scoot over to give her room. Watching as the waitress gave them both a suspicious look before finally walking away, Jade turned and looked up to Gideon, who was now leaning back in his seat with one hand resting on his thigh and the other on the table. Both fists were balled up, and his body tense. Guilt ached in Jade’s chest. Leaning into him, she wrapped her arms around his narrow waist, squeezing her arms around his broad back and in between the vinyl booth. For a second, he tensed, his already hard body turning to stone before slowly relaxing. Dislodging an arm from her hold, he wrapped it around her back, pressing her tighter to him. They probably looked strange to the other people in the quiet diner, but Jade didn't care.
Jade closed her eyes as she spoke. "I'm sorry, Gideon. I'm so sorry."
She never wanted him to feel like this.
Moving above her head, she felt his chin graze the top of her head, and his lips press into her curls. "Talk to me, please," he begged.
There was something so startling about that tone from him. Something so jolting that she felt her thoughts align immediately, snapping back into place, allowing her to realize that Gideon truly needed her just as much as she needed him. Looking up into his amber eyes, she could feel the shame inside of her push away some of her fear, and her spine straightened. It was time for her to grow up. The time for tears was over, the time for holding back all of her thoughts and worries had to stop. Gideon was only a couple of years older than her, and he was doing the best he could, and all she had been doing was making him do it all alone.
"I'm just scared," she admitted in a muffled voice into the fabric of his t-shirt. It smelled really good, she thought absently. It smelled like a rainy summer's night and soap. "I'm scared we have lost everything, and I'm scared about the unknown ahead. I'm being a coward, I know, I…I just don't want to see your future disappear because of me."
"This is not your fault," Gideon said, pushing her shoulder until he could look her directly in the eye.
But Jade shook her head and looked past him out the window at the truck stop. Watching as a man in a flannel shirt and jeans tiredly crossed the parking lot from his truck to the gas station, Jade thought of that fateful night back in Stardust Cove.
"I keep thinking I could have done or said something different to momma that night. Something to convince her to not let Ron into our house, to tell her I didn't feel right about him. I feel guilty that I didn’t want to give Ron a chance, but I knew I could not imagine living in peace there with him around,” she said truthfully. “I feel guilty that you had to give up so much, Gideon." Jade could feel the tears well up in the back of her eyes, and she blinked back the stinging feeling before looking back to Gideon's worried gaze. "Your truck you worked so hard on fixing up, your scholarship, your friends…I just…"
Amber brown eyes, steady and watchful, regarded her for a moment. Lifting his hand from where it rested on her back, Gideon brought it to rest on the bare nape of her neck. Long, callused fingers glided across her skin, causing her to shiver. It was such an odd, intimate sensation Jade suddenly felt cold and hot all over. Using his leverage on her neck, Gideon pulled her back to him, closing the gap between them once again until his lips touched her forehead.
"Jade, listen to me," he said in a hushed tone, using his thumbs to tilt her head upward. Their gazes met, closer now than ever, she could feel the puffs of his breath against her lips and that hot and cold shiver return to her body as he spoke. "I could give a shit about that truck, I can get a degree anywhere, and my friends still message me just as much as they did before," he explained. "What I need is you, do you understand me? I need you more than you will ever comprehend," the quiet but blatant need in his voice fractured through all of her doubts until she was left pliable and trusting. "You're my future. All I need is for you to be happy and to stay with me. Don't drift away from me again, just promise me you will be by my side, and I promise I'll get us through this."
Not trusting herself not to cry, Jade nodded and leaned greedily back into him as he grabbed for the menu. "Now let's order something and then get some sleep. The forecast for tomorrow looks as if it will take all of my focus."
It was later that night parked in the back of the truckstop's parking lot, and only the light from the gas station's bright overhead lights filtering in from the bunk's window did Gideon let himself relax completely. Laying there in his bunk balancing between the precipice of sleep and his thoughts, he felt better having talked to her. Things between them felt aired out finally. Maybe things between them would return to normal. He could wake up every day to her gentle smile again instead of the strained one he had been getting ever since they left.
Turning in his bunk, he frowned a little at his own lack of sense, he should have known Jade wouldn't just dive headfirst into this new lifestyle. Of course, she would be scared, hell, he was as well to a degree. Gideon was making a mental pledge to himself to reassure her more when he heard the bunk creak above him. Laying still, he watched as a pair of shapely brown legs dangled off the side of the bunk's ledge. Lowering herself to the floor with a gymnast's silent grace, Jade stood next to his bunk. He was about to say something when she reached down and grabbed at the edge of his cover. Pulling it back, she lifted her leg, and instinctively Gideon scooted back, giving her room. Silently, she slipped in between the quilt and sheet and scooted in next to him. Normally, the bed was a tight fit just for him, but now as she slipped in next to him, Gideon could feel the full press of the back wall behind him. He wanted to ask her what was wrong, but he couldn't seem to bring himself to form words as her hands slipped around his waist. For a moment, his thoughts seemed to shut completely off, and his body began firing up in male instincts. He could feel the heat of his blood begin to rush everywhere other than his brain, and Gideon had to force himself not to crush her to his body.
A sniffle echoed in the nonexistent space between them, and Gideon looked down. Using the little bit of light in the cabin, he strained to see her face. Watery and big, her eyes looked up at him in a silent plea.
"I'm going to try to do better," she promised in a thick whisper. "Just let me lay here tonight, please. Hold me like you did that night back at the house. I need you-"
Gideon pressed the back of her head towards him, muffling the rest of her words. He wouldn't survive if she continued talking like that. Feeling her soften against his body, Gideon felt himself do the exact opposite.
It felt like a path to heaven—paved in broken glass.
~*~
Traveling from the south into the northern states, they both watched the scenery around them change. Endless flat lands slowly rendered their shape around them, rising up in slow, gentle slopes like waves to a sea. Farmland was everywhere, countless acres of land usually only occupied with one or two solitary buildings as a sign of life. Jade often found herself wondering about the lives of those who inhabited those old wooden farmhouses. Who were they? How far did they have to drive to visit friends or go to church? How did they stand the pitch-black darkness when the sun finally fell? What did they do for fun way out here? How did it feel knowing that all aroun
d you were miles and miles of complete quiet solitude?
When she had asked Gideon if he could ever live out there, he laughed and looked from the illuminated road ahead of him that night, giving her an expression that asked if she was being serious.
"Hell no," he finally said.
Jade laughed, not expecting such a passionate answer.
Shaking his head, he stared off into the dark night ahead of them, only illuminated by the truck's powerful headlights. "You do see that there ain't shit out here, right? Good Lord, living out here," he repeated, shaking his head much in the way their mother would have, which only made Jade laugh harder. "Baby girl, this isn't just country living, this is "COHN-TREE," he pronounced. "It's dark as fuck out here, and there ain't not one street light to hug up to for comfort. No," he shook his head, resolute in his decision. "No ma'am, I can't be the one."
A Love So Wrong: A Forbidden Romance Page 11