Emerson’s expression softened out and he grinned at me. Emerson cupped my face, his thumb brushing over my cheekbone before his mouth met mine. He didn’t smell of cigarette smoke. Rather, he smelled like the bonfire, the salt from the Bay, and that unmistakable Emerson scent that was wrapped up in his vamp-glamour and irresistible charm.
I moaned as his kiss deepened. I was barely buzzed this time, so I had nothing to distract me from the way his lips and tongue felt. His hands gripped me tightly, and despite my many layers, it still felt like he was touching my bare skin from the way goose bumps broke out across my body.
Eventually, when the noise of the bonfire started to return and I heard the whoops of some of the baseball and football players, everything came flooding back. Where we were. That moments ago, I’d been storming away from Emerson because him knocking over Tristen played into the rumours that we were dating, and I was tired of being asked that question. Kissing him might as well have been a neon sign confirming our relationship status and every ridiculous rumour.
I swore, pulling myself away from him.
‘I’m going to find Gi.’
Emerson might not have been able to read emotions anymore, but he certainly knew that I wanted to be alone.
‘She’s by the keg,’ Emerson said, his voice flat.
‘Okay,’ I said. Then I pretended I wasn’t running off – just walking away, very fast and in the opposite direction.
Gossip must spread quicker than my pace, because by the time I got to Gi, she already had a knowing look on her face. She excused herself from the conversation she was having with two girls who looked popular, but didn’t have the cheer uniform on. I had no idea who they were. Marcy had disappeared and the people around her had shifted.
‘I guess you figured out this was supposed to be a date,’ Gi said, passing me a drink. It wasn’t a rum and Coke, just some random beer from the keg. I still took it, but only had a small sip. I was never a fan of beer.
‘He could have just come out and said it.’ I screwed up my face, only half because of the taste of the beer.
‘Could he have? I was under the impression you don’t date.’
‘I don’t.’
‘What you and Emerson have been doing lately looks like a strange impression of not dating,’ Gi said.
That’s what a lot of people had thought about me and Christian. Christian and I had spent practically every second together that year we’d lived in the same foster home. We’d gone to the same school, cut the same classes and I hung out with him at his job. We never had “dates”, but we went out to eat together, hung out at the arcade and crashed college parties.
I never held his hand, but almost every night he’d sneak into my bedroom and we’d fall asleep together. He’d hold me for minutes after I woke up, until the memories of my parents’ deaths faded and then he’d go silently back to his own room. He wasn’t my first kiss, but he was my first. And I’d known deep in my soul that I would have fallen in love with him if we had been given more time. But we’d never labelled things. I’d never been his “girlfriend”. We’d just… been.
‘Me and Emerson just… we just are.’ I shook my head and took another gulp of the disgusting beer to stop myself from talking.
‘What you are is hurting him. How can you not see that he wants more?’ Gi physically turned me around so I faced where Emerson had gone, once I’d abandoned him to find Gi.
He was talking to a few of the baseball guys, but he didn’t have his usual cocky smile. I was too close for him to dissociate from that moment, so like any other teenage boy, he was experiencing the rejection in real time. Because that’s basically what I’d done. Made out with him, then ran away.
His teammates were slapping him on the back, giving him words of consolation. No doubt calling me a bitch for good measure to cheer him up. I noticed that Tristen was with them. He was shaking his head. Emerson offered him a drink and they did a fist bump – apparently all was forgiven. Forgiveness for Emerson’s outburst was probably easy, since Tristen believed he’d made a move on a girl he’d already been told was someone else’s. And that was the problem. I wasn’t someone else’s. I was my own person. I wasn’t someone’s girlfriend. I was just Liv.
‘I don’t date,’ I said, bitterly, for the thousandth time. ‘I can’t give him more. Emerson knows that.’
‘Why?’ Gi said exasperated. ‘Seriously, like, why? What’s such a big deal about dating that you can’t see yourself evenly contemplating it for a guy like him?’
I was so tired of all this: oh, Liv is such a selfish whore who only wants to use Emerson as her boy-toy and won’t even commit. It was a trite narrative and I was done playing up to it. I didn’t date not because I didn’t have feelings or didn’t want to have feelings. I didn’t date because I had too many. And as much as everyone loved to cast me as the selfish villain, not dating was the most selfless thing I could do.
‘Because I’d destroy him!’
Gi stopped. She shook her head once, her voice quiet when she said, ‘he’d be into that. If it was you.’
She walked away before I could give a response.
I furiously kicked a patch of grass on the floor. That girl didn’t make any sense. She didn’t like me leaving things as they were because the friends with benefits option would apparently break his heart, but committing to him and utterly wrecking him fine if we put a label on it?
Did she not see that I wasn’t good for him? Already, Emerson wanting me was turning him into a guy who got jealous of others making a move on me. I hadn’t batted an eyelid when he’d nearly killed those bastards who’d pushed me down the stairs – because I understood that rage. Of caring about someone and seeing their life threatened. Christian had done worse, a lot worse. But it was that slippy slope that I didn’t want Emerson going down.
Nothing about me had been threatened by Tristian’s attempt to kiss me. That had been pure envy: Emerson wanting the same opportunity that Tristan had been about to take, no thought about it.
I looked over to where he was still talking to his teammates. He caught my eye like he’d been looking over frequently to where I stood.
‘Sorry,’ he mouthed, shrugging. He’d apologised for Gi being overprotective before the last time she’d ranted at me. He’d probably been listening in to this version.
I huffed. I couldn’t spend the night moping. That was a complete waste. Everyone had already seen us make out, anyway. Gi was pissed no matter what me and Emerson did. I might as well have fun with the guy.
I marched over to where Emerson was hanging with his guys. His teammates took a visible step back as I approached.
‘I think I hear someone calling my name,’ Tristen said, hearing absolutely no one. He looked me up and down once, in a way I read as the same as him saying “shame”, before he disappeared into another crowd.
‘Are you and Gi okay?’ Emerson asked.
Yeah, he’d totally been listening in on this rant.
‘Peachy. It’s always great to have a nice refresher of the: don’t mess with Emerson’s feelings lecture, even though I’ve been pretty clear about where I stand on the whole dating issue, don’t you think?’
A couple of the baseball players coughed up their drinks, awkwardly looking away.
‘Should we, like, urgh, leave?’ one of them whispered to the other.
‘Why? Am I making you feel awkward?’ I asked.
The guy blushed a deep shade of red.
Emerson gave me a sharp look. ‘Don’t mind her. She’s all bark.’
‘And no bite?’ I said, raising an eyebrow.
Emerson tried to hide a smile, biting his bottom lip. ‘Liv,’ Emerson said, once he’d recovered. ‘This is Dan, Si and Jason. They’re on the team with me.’
I didn’t recognise any of them, but I didn’t expect to.
‘Nice to meet you,’ I said, pretending to be polite as I polished off the last of the beer from my cup. ‘God, that’s awful.’
‘You shouldn’t have finished your rum so quickly,’ Emerson chided me.
I flipped him off. ‘I can’t socialise sober,’ I said.
‘Aren’t you, urgh, in the school play?’ Dan/Si/Jason said.
‘Reluctantly.’
‘And you’re best friends with Gi…?’
‘Where are these questions leading exactly?’
‘You being the psychopathic antisocial loner doesn’t fit the profile of Gi’s friends,’ Emerson said. He pointed out to where Gi was currently.
Gi was surrounded by people, all of them gravitating to her energy. I’d seen it happen on a small scale at rehearsal, but this was another level altogether. It made all of Martha’s taunts about the “queen bee” make sense. People were swarming around her like a literal hive.
The only clusters of people who weren’t swarming around Gi had their own gravitational pull: the Sons. I had a feeling if Emerson, Grayson or Charlotte weren’t here, every one of them would somehow find their way flocking towards Gi. Or Marcy and Tristen who were secondary to vampiric charm and relied solely on natural, human charisma.
Then, I spotted the small loner group. The one on the periphery of the bonfire that had no Sons or Gi. Emma, Lisa and Hope. Veritable loners in comparison. She tried to keep a smile on her face and pretend she was too occupied with her own friends to notice, but Emma’s gaze flitted constantly towards Gi.
It was easy to imagine what it would have been like before. To be on top of the high school hierarchy, but without that natural grace Gi, Marcy or Tristen were gifted with. Desperation to prove that she belonged there. To be something more than just the average girl who coasted the corridors of NRHS. Relying on the popularity of her best friend to be her ticket to success, all the whilst knowing if that friendship went away, she’d be nothing more than another stranger in a sea of unforgettable, ordinary people.
How desperate had Emma got in that moment where Gi came out to her? When had her thoughts turned selfish? To not what it meant for Gi to be making herself so vulnerable and finally making a step towards being the truest version of herself, but to what it meant for her? Undoubtably, Gi’s status would take a hit. And where would that leave Emma? She’d ridden the coattails of her BFF to popularity, and she would sink all the same.
Emma had hurt Gi to separate herself from that fall. She had continued to hurt Gi to keep power. Two years later, she was still using fear and victimisation to keep her popularity – because how else would someone who had no natural charisma remain on top?
Momentarily, for the briefest of seconds, I found myself feeling sorry for Emma. There had been a time once when I craved – not popularity – but friendship like I saw so often around me. When it had gone sour, as it always did with me, I had felt guilt deep in my bones for being selfish enough to choose my happiness over the safety of those people I so desperately wanted to know.
‘I don’t fit with Gi’s profile, but the AA Team do?’ I asked Emerson. turning away from Gi and her hive.
‘They’re at least likeable,’ Emerson said.
‘Martha?’ I snorted. ‘Debatable. And I know for a fact you like me,’ I mocked.
Dan/Si/Jason, not the bright red one, tried to butt into the conversation. ‘You’re American, aren’t you?’
I briefly looked his way. I didn’t bother deigning that with an answer. My accent said enough. I figured it was likely a question in response to most of the rumours that had been going around at the time I’d started school the same time as the Sons. Some roundabout way to try and figure out if I was the fourth Son.
‘Where are you from?’ he continued, like I’d not just given him a death-stare in an attempt to stop him whilst he was ahead.
I gave Emerson a look. This is why I preferred frat parties. By the time most people were drunk, they didn’t care about high school gossip. They already acted like they were your best friends and had known you an age.
‘Here and there.’
‘You into any sports?’
Emerson groaned next to me.
‘This and that,’ I said, instead, hiding my own smirk. If I was the fourth Son, how would his team react to knowing I wasn’t the peppy cheerleader like Charlotte? I mean, it was obvious from my aesthetic alone I wasn’t Charlotte, but I doubted they knew the extent of my hatred for their beloved game. Emerson seemed wary that I was about to inform them all how much I detested it.
‘I’m sure I’ve seen you at a few of our games-’
‘Now and again,’ I interrupted. I did not want my support of Emerson to ever be misconstrued as interest in baseball. I shuddered.
He turned to Emerson. ‘She’s a real talker, isn’t she?’
And that, the referral to me as though I wasn’t even there and was just an object to be questioned because I was no doubt just one of his teammate’s something, was the end of me trying to socialise.
I gave a tight, closed lip smile. ‘As delightful as this conversation has been, I’m stealing your boy.’
‘Sure! Take him!’ red faced Dan/Si/Jason said.
‘Later, boys,’ I said, grabbing Emerson’s hand.
‘Where are we going?’
‘You wanted a date,’ I said. ‘Which you know is not going to happen, but if you want to just hang out, I’m down.’
I slipped past the cheerleaders’ mixer table. It was deserted with empty soda bottles and glass littering the table. I dumped my cup along the rubbish. I spotted a quarter-full bottle of Jack and some cheerleader’s coat, and took both whilst I kept on walking.
We made our way over to the edge of the beach park. I threw down the coat and sat on it, my legs hanging over the edge of the side. The Bay was still a half-meter beneath my dangling feet. Soft ripples occasionally flitted across the surface, distorting the light from the moon, the streetlights in the distancing, and the glow of the bonfire.
I uncapped the bottle and took a swig. I pretended to offer it to Emerson, who flipped me off, before he joined me on the edge.
‘Did you really bring me here as a date?’ I asked.
‘Yeah. Dick move considering we’re just supposed to be,’ he quoted me from the Halloween party.
‘I wasn’t really pissed off at you-’ I admitted, ‘-when you pushed the football captain over. I was annoyed he thought it meant we were going out. I didn’t realise how many people thought we were a thing.’
‘I’d pretend to be amazed at how oblivious you are to everything that goes on at school, but you have a knack for existing in your own world.’
‘He said Grayson had warned the whole football team off me for you.’
‘I didn’t ask him to do that,’ Emerson said quickly.
‘You can tell him not to do shit like that,’ I said.
‘Okay.’
I paused. ‘But why did he?’
Emerson shrugged. ‘Because he knows I like you and you were attracting a lot of attention from the football players.’
‘Aw, your BFF was afraid you wouldn’t be able to handle the competition?’ I teased. God, sometimes they really did just act like ordinary teenage boys. It was weird to remember they were so much more.
‘Urgh, you’re a pain in my arse,’ Emerson groaned.
I laughed at him. I admit, it was more like a cackle.
‘Sometimes it’s bloody impossible to understand why I like you.’
‘I think you said it was because I make you feel alive and I’m responsible for the best night of your life.’
‘Can I take it back?’ Emerson asked.
I shook my head, knocking my shoulder against his.
‘No, but this conversation is totally hurting my brain.’ I took another long swig from the bottle. ‘I can’t believe we’re having it. You’re a vampire, I don’t even know what I am, and we’re at a high school party talking about our feelings and how you like me. Could we be any more of a YA cliché?’
‘We could always just forget it, promise to never bring it up again and just live, Liv,’ he
grinned at his choice of words.
That was the most appealing thing he’d said to me all night.
‘You’re right, after all. I am a vampire and you are… whatever you are,’ he said. ‘We’re not normal by a long shot and don’t need to bother with normal conventions.’
‘Gi wouldn’t be happy with that.’
‘No offence to my friend or anything,’ Emerson said, ‘but sometimes she gets a little bit too overprotective for her own good. I’ll tell her to back off, for real this time.’
‘I’m totally down for forgetting this whole conversation,’ I said. Emerson grinned at me. ‘But seriously, Emerson. I can’t date you. I’d destroy you.’
‘I’d be down for that,’ Emerson said. Yeah, he’d definitely been listening in. ‘At least if it’s the sexy way and not the run me over with my own car kind of way.’
I laughed at him. ‘I don’t know if I want to kiss you or shove you into the Bay,’ I said.
‘Can I pick?’ Emerson asked, cheekily, flashing me a quick smile.
I knocked his arm with my own. It wasn’t a no.
I found Gi sitting alone a while later. Emerson had told me, after monopolising my time for a few hours, that I probably should go find Gi so we could make up. As the only time I’d spent with her was to use her as an escape from Emerson – I figured I owed it to Gi.
When I found her, she looked… happy. Since the last time we’d spoken she’d been decidedly pissed at me for how I treated Emerson, I was wary with my approach.
‘Care for some company or am I going to ruin your buzz?’ I asked her.
Gi shifted on the blanket she was sitting on to make room for me. ‘I forgot how loud it can be: being the centre of attention.’
‘Will this sound insulting if I say I never realised how popular you actually were.’
‘Martha’s taunts didn’t clue you in?’ Gi laughed. ‘Don’t worry about it. I know I don’t look the part.’ She gestured to her ankle boots, and tights. Her vintage dress was hidden beneath the long pale cream wool coat and the ginormous red scarf that fell almost to her knees.
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