by C C Monroe
I ring her out without saying a word and wait until she’s out of earshot and gone. Turning my attention back to Lana’s sad, awaiting face.
“Shayla, what do you mean? I mean what happened?” She throws her arms around me and sobs into my shoulder. Asking me a million questions a minute. I wait a few moments, too tired to cry, the tears already drained from my body.
“I found out a couple of months ago when I went to get a checkup for some pain I was having,” I say blandly.
“Why are you so calm?” She stands back at arm’s length and reaches for a tissue to clean her makeup.
“I’ve cried myself to sleep almost every night since I found out, so I guess I’m just tired of crying, tried of wallowing.”
“How long have you known?”
“Two months.”
Her jaw falls open slightly. “You’ve known that long and didn’t tell me? Why would you hide that secret from me?”
I scoff. I’ve been hiding this from everyone. I’ve pushed Trey out, because I can’t look at him without feeling like a disappointment. The guilt started to swallow me whole. This isn’t about her. This is about me and the hardship I’m facing.
“You think I was ready to share something like that with the world? I’m sorry, but it was my secret to keep,” I tell her, grabbing my bag and pushing past her. I can’t believe she had the nerve to ask me why I kept it from her. Isn’t it obvious? This is killing me; I’m ashamed of myself, angry with my deceiving body, why would I want to tell anyone?
I pushed Trey away because shortly after we resumed being intimate, after Pops passed, he started talking about having a family. It was mild at first, brought up every once in a while, and then bam! Every—single—day he was asking me to start a family.
I guess he may have been vulnerable with losing Pops and his snake of a mother coming back, but he meant it. He wants a family, and I can’t give him that. My eyes start welling with tears again, shit, I thought I had nothing left to cry.
“It’s not fair that you kept that from me when I tell you everything about me. The good and the bad.” Her voice gets louder the farther away I get. My shift is over, and I want to go home and curl up in a ball, become a hermit.
“Just leave it be, L. There’s nothing to talk about,” I turn and yell.
“Yeah, that’s what you think, but you’re pushing all of us away, and if you keep doing it you might lose Trey for good!”
“That was uncalled for, Lana.” I spin and run to my car. I have officially kicked everyone out of my bubble and pushed away all the support that I needed. Trey hasn’t sent me any messages or calls today, Kings has been avoiding me since I went off on him the other day and now my best friend thinks I’m selfish.
Great. The world one, Shayla zero.
Pulling up to my apartment at a quarter to three, I see Trey’s truck, indicating he didn’t go into the studio today. I want, so badly, to go up to his apartment and complain about all the shit going on in my life, but that would mean I would need to tell him my secrets.
The doctor told me we could remove some of the tumors, even though removing them comes with the risk of having a full hysterectomy. News like that is never easy; I still don’t want to accept it. I lost what felt like a part of my womanhood, the one thing I should be able to do as a woman, I can’t. How does anyone deal with that? I know I’m throwing myself a pity party, but shouldn’t I be allowed to feel this way? Am I not entitled to be a head case?
Opening the door to my apartment, I throw my things on the front table by the door. I need a bath and wine—lots of wine. Grabbing an entire bottle of Merlot, I take it with me to the bathroom. Turning on the tub and filling it with hot water and honeysuckle-scented bubble bath, I wait until it’s nearly filled to the brim to slide in.
The heat soothes the ache in my shoulders, relieving some of the tension. Pondering what I can do to work things out with Trey, I worry my lip between my teeth. Lana may have been harsh, but she’s right. I can’t expect Trey to stick by me when I don’t even give him a chance to fight for us or let him in. If I had more strength in myself, I wouldn’t be so hesitant. But I have to make a choice, fight to be with Trey or lose the one thing that creates my happiness.
I stare at my phone on the toilet next to the tub for a solid ten minutes before the angel on my shoulder summons me to call Trey.
“Hello.” His deep voice tumbles through the phone and that’s all it takes. I start to cry ugly sobs from down in my chest.
“Baby! What happened? Are you hurt?” he panics.
“I need you. I need you bad.”
“Where are you?”
Sniffling and taking a deep breath, I reply, “Home.”
“I’ll be right there, baby.” He ends the call and I drop the phone on the bathroom rug, too weak to move my arms enough to place it back on the toilet.
I stay in the bathtub and just cry. I can’t move. Within a few short minutes, that felt painfully long, I hear him call my name as the front door opens. I call his name and listen to his heavy footsteps come down the hall where he swings the door open. He’s dressed in jeans and a plaid button-up top. He no longer has his beard and his hair is short again. It feels like I haven’t seen him in weeks.
He looks bigger too, like he gained more muscles from working out. How long has it been since I’ve truly looked at him? Admired him? He sets his phone and keys down on the counter. Before I can say anything or beckon him, water is spilling over the tub as he jumps in with all his clothes on, his shoes still on his feet.
Grabbing my face with his large palms, he searches my eyes. “What’s wrong, baby? You’re scaring me.” He wipes away the tears rolling down my cheeks with his calloused thumbs.
“I’m just sorry that I’ve been avoiding you—pushing you away. I haven’t felt like myself lately. I really want to work on this, I don’t want to lose you.” His lips land on my forehead where he leaves them there, pushing with force.
“You’re my woman, I’m not leaving without a fight,” he says, kissing down the bridge of my nose until he gets to my lips.
“Are you sure there’s nothing going on, baby? I really want to help you,” he says, unfortunately breaking our kiss.
“Yes, I’m just tired and struggling with everything that has happened lately—work, Pops, your mom—everything. I just needed time to process it all. I promise I’ll be better,” I lie, I was so sure I was gonna tell him about the possible infertility, but I couldn’t. I choked.
“I know things are crazy right now—our lives, but we’re gonna get through this baby, I promise. We’ve been through so much already and we survived it. We can only do that together though, okay?”
I nod my head in understanding; I don’t have much to say, I just want to be surrounded by him, protected by him, comforted by him.
“Let’s go take a nap, we’re both exhausted.”
I squint my eyes at him and laugh. “That’s a nice way of saying I look bad.”
He grabs my chin a little tighter. “Hey, no, it wasn’t, I’m trying very hard to keep my hands off your wet, soapy body. So hush and let’s get out.”
He stands and helps me up, grabbing the towel to wrap me up tight. Unplugging the bathtub he starts to strip down, wringing his clothes out one item at a time until he’s naked. I stand in front of the bathroom vanity and stare at him. Trey wraps a towel low around his lean hips. He’s really the greatest human I know, and he’s mine, my human, my soul, my heart. Showing up here and not asking questions, not instigating a fight or rehashing the crap I put him through the past couple weeks—nothing. He swooped in and revived me, forgiving me like that of a true hero.
Slowly taking steps toward me, he stops in front of me, his hand hesitantly rising to the side of my neck, his thumb stroking my cheek. We share a long gaze and just revel in the feeling of reconnecting.
Picking me up wedding style, I rest my head against his shoulder and close my eyes until he lays me on my bed. Removing our towels
, he gets us in bed and bundles us in a fort of blankets so we’re warm and skin on skin. It’s perfect. It’s home.
I put my nose against his, pondering what to say next, thinking of all the words I’ve imagined saying once we had this time together. But none of them seem sufficient enough.
“I’m scared of what’s happening in our lives, Shayla, and us not talking.” He closes his eyes, biting his lip in thought. “I was worried we were over. It felt like I was just waiting for the call where you said we were over. Losing my dad was painful, but just the mere thought of losing you was like a fucking riptide. It pulled me under, filled my lungs with water, and stopped my heart from beating.”
This confession pains me; during the past few months I was so lost in my world that I forgot what my presence in his life meant. It means to him what it does to me. We’re too dependent on each other to push each other away when things in our lives are so messed up. It’s like we flipped sides, he was the one suffering when we first got together, but now I’m the one who’s struggling.
“I know, it’s all my fault. But I was never going to leave you. I wouldn’t ever leave you unless you didn’t want me anymore.” I feel my chin start to tremble and my lips become numb. I look down and let my tear fall and hit the pillow. I just want to spend some time alone with Trey. Him and I, where all the catastrophes in our lives can handle themselves.
“That’ll never happen, baby.” He kisses me, taking my lips and begging for entrance with his tongue. When our tongues sweep across each other, I get a hit of his unique taste. Moving his hand from my face, he runs it down my arm, over the natural curve of my hip, ending on the back of my thigh where he lifts it up and over his waist. Causing my body to move closer to his, molding perfectly against him. Reaching down, I take his hard cock in my hands, stroking it softly. Trey’s chest vibrates with a moan that tickles my lips.
“Baby…” The pained moan that leaves his lips tells me he is trying hard to resist this. Pulling his mouth away, he tilts his head so our foreheads are touching. Grabbing my hand, he removes it from him and pulls it up between our chests.
“What?” I ask breathlessly, trying to bring my hand back down to his erection.
“I want to have sex, I do—but we need sleep, and I need to just hold you and memorize the rising and falling of your chest as you take deep breaths. I need to just be here with you.”
Wow, how can a girl say no to that?
I take enough time to search his eyes, to connect him with me. “Okay.” I turn, letting him spoon me.
“We’ll have plenty of time to make love tonight. So enjoy your nap, because after, I’m going to fucking lock you away in this room.” I wiggle my ass against him as my response, enjoying the way he growls.
“You, dirty girl, you need me to fucking spank you?” he says in my ear, and I smile. Smiling feels new.
“Maybe, sir.” He growls and brings his hand down on my hip, squeezing it and biting my neck.
“Go to bed, fucking tease.” I chuckle and listen to his order, as much as I want to have sex, I’m exhausted.
Closing my eyes, I fade to black within minutes. He’s back, we’re gonna be okay.
“WAKE UP, BEAUTIFUL.” I OPEN my eyes, my head is heavy with pounding pulses making me feel like I was hit by a truck. Flipping over slowly, I look up into sea blue eyes.
“My girl slept all night.” I look around in a panic, looking for my phone to check the time. What does he mean I slept all night?
“Where’s my phone? What time is it?” I ask in a rush, my arms flailing around and hands lifting all the blankets.
“Hey, calm down, it’s only nine and you have the day off.”
I shoot him a look. No, I don’t.
“Actually, you have the next four days off and only…” He lifts his wrist up to check his watch. I take note that he’s fully dressed in a fitted white tee and distressed blue jeans that hug his strong thighs. “Two hours to get your sexy ass out of bed and start packing.” Okay, this is a dream, what’s he talking about? I have work and as much as I’d love to stay and play his weird mind game, I need to get ready.
“All right, funny joke, but my head is pounding from too much sleep and we both have work, so up we go.” Tossing my tan legs over the side of the bed, I slide slightly until my feet hit the wood floor. I feel his strong arms wrap around my waist and when I’m fully standing he yanks me back down. Maneuvering us so one of his legs is over mine, holding me down in my place.
“No joke, we are heading to California for four days of us time—no work, no Mom, nothing to bother us.” He smiles down at me, sweeping my hair off my face. When in the world did he have time to do this?
“Why? I mean I’m happy, but why?” I ask, my brows furrowing and my hand drawing absent designs on his bicep.
“We need to reconnect—find us again and remember why we started this thing.” His eyes travel down to my chest where he places his hand just above my heart. “I need you to let me back in here, baby.” My heart rate kicks into overdrive, so hard he has to feel it pounding.
“You never left it, Trey.” I smile up at him. He grins, showing his dimples.
“Thank you, I agree we need this,” I say, placing my hand over his, a warm sensation filling my body at the thought of reconnecting.
“Now, get this sexy ass up and moving, flight leaves at noon.” I get up and shriek when he slaps my ass before lying back on the bed. His legs crossed at the ankles and his head resting on his arms, aiding as a pillow. I’m so lost in getting packed and running around the room that I almost forget the most important question.
“Oh my God! What about Lana, did you tell her? I feel bad leaving her at the store by herself. And what about your studio?” I stop what I’m doing, a handful of underwear in one hand and bras in the other. My hair is up in a messy bun, I feel little strands brushing across my face, I must look a hot mess in workout pants and an off-the-shoulder tee. He laughs, standing.
“You think I didn’t take care of that?” He comes to stand in front of me. Looking up at his much taller frame, I limply shrug my shoulders and blow an errant hair out of my face.
“I don’t know.”
“Yes, I took care of it all. Now hurry and pack those panties and throw in some sexy shit, like that garter belt you have. I have plans that involve you, those stockings, and a fucking table.” That’s the last thing he says before he exits the bedroom.
Toes curling at the thought of him taking me in any way at this point. I think I have the female version of blue balls. I want all his glorious nine inches in me, making me deliciously sore.
Shit! Back to packing!
“Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seatbelts as we make our way into San Diego. It’s seventy-five degrees and sunny with blue skies. We thank you for flying with us and hope you enjoy your stay here in sunny San Diego.”
“Where are we staying?” I ask, my head on Trey’s shoulder while he drums a rhythm with his thumb on my inner thigh. He’s looking down the aisle before turning his attention to me.
“It’s a surprise, but you’re gonna love it.” He continues the same drumming rhythm on my thigh, his knee bobbing up and down. He seems nervous; he has never been good at handling surprises.
“You okay?” I ask, kissing the point of his shoulder. He’s wearing my favorite cologne and it mingles with the fresh scent of his aftershave. I take a long, subtle breath in and smile.
“Yeah, just been thinking about Dad today. I got the money from his will.” The plane shakes a little as the wheels drop down to prepare for landing.
“Oh yeah?” I ask.
“He left me more than I needed—like a ton.” He lowers his voice so those around us can’t hear. “He left me seventeen.” I know what he means. Not thousands but millions. Pops was a very wealthy entrepreneur.
“Wow…” That’s a crap-ton of money. More than what Trey needs for sure. Trey’s really making a name for himself in this producing world.
&
nbsp; “I’ve been thinking of giving half of it to Kathy. She got twelve, but she doesn’t work.” He shrugs. “Besides, I make a pretty good living on my own, so I don’t need that much. I might give her a bit more then put the rest of the money away for our kids.”
There it is, that reminder that often comes along and itches against my spine. I take a deep gulp and my palms begin to shake. Talk about a guilty conscience.
“You okay?” he asks.
“Yeah, why?”
“Because you just grabbed my thigh really hard and your face just paled like a ghost.” I think quickly, attaching to the plane landing as my only valid excuse.
“Oh yeah, I just hate landing.” I wave my head dismissively. Gauging him to see if he took the lie. When he does, I say a quiet thank you, swallowing my guilt like stale bread, scratching my throat as it descends. I’ll tell him soon, I promise myself. If I go too long with this secret it will only get worse, like a scab you repeatedly pick until it scars you forever.
“Anyway, I think I might do that, you think I should?”
I just nod my response. He laughs beside me.
“You really do hate landing.” Leaning forward so his face is inches from mine, he continues. “Don’t worry, your big, strong man is here to protect you. Now give him those sweet fucking lips.” My mouth nudges into a smile as I lean in to meet him for a soft kiss. I missed him; I really missed Trey.
WATCHING THE WATER AND DOWNTOWN San Diego pass by the window, I smile to myself. It looks so beautiful up here from the bridge to Coronado Island. I’ve wanted to stay here for years, and now I finally get to. The light sound of Parachute’s, “She is Love” is playing in the background, the calm setting washing over me. The sun, the beach, and Trey’s deep voice singing along to the music feels cathartic. I look over at him, taking in his Ray-Bans and snapback hat, which he’s wearing backwards today. Trey in a hat is a rare treat. I keep my eyes on him, taking a mental picture of this moment.
I always thought Kings and Trey would do something with music, they both play different types of instruments, Kingston is amazing at guitar and drums, as is Trey, but his voice is my favorite. It could bring me to my knees; it’s deep with a gravelly texture. It sounds like sex feels. Rough and pleasurable.