I Hate You

by Madden-Mills, Ilsa

  “So do I, silly.”

  I rub my neck and study her. She’s a sweet girl and—

  I give her a smile, even though it’s difficult. My stomach is in knots, has been all evening.

  “Hey, don’t worry about my cousin. Dillon knows I do whatever I want. He gave me a box of condoms the day I arrived on campus.” She laces her hand with mine, and I stare down at our intertwined fingers.

  I never held hands with Charisma. I let my fingers brush hers but never went for it.

  I should have. I should have.

  What the fuck is wrong with me?

  “Blaze? Are you listening?”

  “Sorry. Random thought. Happens all the time.”

  She studies me, and her shoulders slump as a knowing glint grows in her eyes. “It was that girl, wasn’t it? Dillon said her name was Charisma.”

  I shrug.

  “She’s the one you broke up with last fall, right?”

  I nod. “I guess. We weren’t a couple.” I pushed her away before it got to that.

  She huffs out a laugh. “I didn’t think so. She doesn’t look like your type, to be honest. I mean, I though she’d be…different.”

  “How?” I frown.

  “You know more…sorority girl, beautiful, or at least Southern. Her accent is super weird.”

  “She is in a sorority—Chi-O—and she is beautiful.”

  “I’m rushing Theta next fall. I can’t wait.”

  I’m not listening. “She is my type. She’s fucking amazing. She makes me laugh my ass off. She’s believed in me since day one, okay? Never a doubt in her mind about what I can do with a football—”

  I inhale sharply, reining myself in.

  She frowns. “Look, I’m just repeating what everyone knows you said to her at that party last year. You dumped her in a big way, so I just assumed she’s still trying to get with you.” She shrugs. “She’s got some nerve kissing you, right?”

  “She’s got nerves of steel,” I say tightly. My head is all over the place. “And who knows what I said at that party?” I want to kick them in the nuts. I want to kick myself. I was so angry that night, all of my shit bubbling up, knowing I had to let her go.

  “Dillon was there. He may have mentioned it. It was a huge party,” she reminds me.

  A long exhalation comes out, and I look away from her questioning eyes. Charisma…she thinks she’s not right for me. She thinks…fuck…my words to her. But we had this conversation, she and I; we worked it out, and I explained to her what I really meant, yet inside, maybe it never stuck with her. She still thinks she’s not up to my standards, which is such a fucking joke because she’s all—

  “Blaze? Do you want my number? I can put it in your phone. You can call me when you’re less tired. I’ll answer.” Her hand is on my chest, playing with one of my buttons.

  I remove her hand slowly. “No. Take care and I’ll see you around.”

  I hear her huff of exasperation as I walk away.

  It’s almost midnight by the time I get back to my dorm. Dillon isn’t home yet, and I’m glad to be alone. I fall into my bed and stare at the ceiling fan, my head a mess, my thoughts darting from football to Charisma.

  With a heavy sigh, I reach over and grab my phone.

  It was the best kiss I ever had too. Tomorrow. My dorm.

  I clutch my phone and wait for her reply.

  24

  “Morning, VB. You’re awfully quiet.”

  He looks in my direction then turns back to stare out the window. A few soft feathers lie at the bottom of his cage. Odd. I get out of bed, open the cage, and reach in to pet him on his head.

  “Cat got your tongue? Although if it did, it’d probably have the rest of you too.” He gives me a slow blink and I frown. “Too insensitive? Even for you? Sorry, buddy. I had a shitty night.”

  Leaning down, I rub his head, and his beak opens as if he might say something, but he doesn’t.

  “Nothing sassy for me?”

  He nudges me to pet him again, and I see white stuff in his eyes. Hmmm.

  “Want a cracker?” I make a kissy face at him.

  Usually any mention of a cracker and he’s hysterical, but he just bumps my hand to keep petting him.

  I frown. “Where’s my smartass bird?”

  He blinks at me.

  “Vampire Bill? Don’t you have an opinion on my ass today? Is it fat? Skinny?” I turn and shake it at him.

  Nothing but silence.

  Good Lord. He’s broken.

  Chewing on my lips, I head down to the kitchen and grab some lettuce and a banana. Back at the cage, I tear up the lettuce into small strips and lay them in his food bowl. He glances at the food then turns his head to the window. I break up the banana and offer some but get the same result. “Little buddy, you’re scaring me.”

  I hear Penelope in the hall and dash out to catch her before she hits the restroom. From the looks of her wild hair, she just woke up. “Hey, come look at Bill. He isn’t sharing his morning opinions or eating his breakfast. There’s something wrong!”

  She comes in my room and runs through some of the same things I’ve already tried, pets him, talks to him, tries to hand-feed him the banana, but nothing seems to cheer him up.

  “Does Bill want to go to the vet?” she asks, and he throws his head back indignantly—he’s nearly human—and moves his feet in a shuffle.

  “How long has he been like this?” she asks.

  “I got in late, so maybe since last night. He was fine yesterday…I think.”

  “How was your big date?” she asks as she studies the bird, still trying to get him to eat.

  “Okay.” I don’t feel like going into details about Blaze being there.

  Her gaze flashes at me. “Potential?”

  “Friends only. I came home and he went home. Nice guy though. Ma would pee herself.”

  She grimaces. “You okay?”

  I nod and glance down at my phone, at the text Blaze sent me last night. I haven’t responded.

  “Charm? Headache?”

  I start, realizing I’m frowning and rubbing my temple. I shake my head and push out a smile. “No, no. What should we do about Vampire Bill?”

  She thinks. “The vet is only open until lunch today. I have a morning meeting with a possible agent, but I’ll cancel.” She rubs my arm. “Hey, don’t stress. He’s my bird. I should have noticed if something was up with him yesterday.”

  “You’ve had your writer agent meeting planned forever. Don’t do that. I’ll take him.”

  Her eyes light up. “I appreciate it. I’ll pay you back. The stinker loves you.”

  I wave her off. “You go get ready. I’ll take care of him.”

  Half an hour later, I’ve thrown on some old clothes, called the vet, and packed his “baby bag” with crackers, a banana, a soft blanket, and trinkets to keep him calm. Geeze. I’m like a mom—parrot style—as I open the door to Lady Maxima and try to finagle it inside.

  It’s a chore to get his cage in the back seat and buckled up with the seat belt, but I manage.

  “Crazy bitch, can’t drive,” he says as I crank the car.

  “Now you want to talk. Keep your opinions about my driving to yourself, filthy bird.” I smile at him in the rearview mirror. “I guess all that moving around perked you up, huh?”

  Fuel level is low.

  “I know, I know, but I don’t have time for gas.” Come on, girl. I pat the dashboard.

  Fuel level is low.

  “Shut up, bitch,” screeches Bill.

  “I know she’s annoying,” I tell him as I pull out of the driveway and take off for downtown.

  Fuel level is low.

  “I want cheese on it,” says the bird as he shuffles back and forth on the perch in his cage. Feathers fall as he flaps his wings.

  I laugh. “On what? And don’t we all?”

  He just glares at me.

  We pull in, and once I’m out of the car, I unbuckle his cage and look fo
r a place to put it so I can grab his baby bag and my purse.

  I set him down on the pavement next to the car. Once I have the bags, I turn around and pick up the cage. It’s lighter than normal.

  My eyes pop when I see he’s gone.

  I spin around in a quick circle, searching the ground, calling his name.

  My mouth is dry, anxiety level skyrocketing as I keep turning in circles. “Vampire Bill, please…where are you?”

  I start widening my search grid of the parking lot, trying to peer under each car, checking behind tires and anywhere else I can think of.

  Music blares from a truck that whips in and parks in an empty spot next to Lady Maxima. I’m on my knees but dash up and run toward my car, heart pounding. Lord, please don’t let a vehicle crush my bird.

  My breath whooshes out when Blaze steps out. “What are you doing here?”

  He tucks his hands into his pockets. “Was driving past and saw your car. Turned around and came back.”

  Oh.

  My mind goes back to last night, and then I shake myself.

  I let out a little wail. “Will you help me look for Vampire Bill?”

  “You lost him?” He looks horrified. “Here? How?”

  “It’s a long story.” I quickly run through what happened this morning. “The latch must have come undone in the car. I don’t know…” A cold wind blows my hair and I realize it’s a mess; I have zilch makeup on and my outfit consists of joggers and a baggy Waylon sweatshirt. Perfect.

  “He can’t fly. He’s around here somewhere,” he says.

  “But what if something gets him before I find him?”

  “Charisma.” He stalks toward me and takes my hands. I realize I’ve been wringing them. “Hey, calm down. Where have you looked already?”

  But…

  What…

  I look down at our clasped fingers, the way his thumb is rubbing the top of my hand.

  He kisses my forehead. “Come on, tell me where to start.”

  “Under cars, maybe the landscaping, I guess. He’s hopping around with cats and hawks and mountain lions just waiting to pounce. What if something gets him?” My hands squeeze his.

  His lips twitch. “I think we’re safe on the mountain lion front.”

  “Either way, we have a situation! And we’re at the vet, and he hates it, and he’s probably super mad at me.”

  “We’ll find him. Don’t worry.” He lets my hands go and starts looking around my car. “I have a cracker, Vampire Bill,” he calls out. “Wanna come get it?”

  I take a second to consider him on his hands and knees searching for VB and then refocus, jogging to the landscaping near the front of my car.

  “Maybe this was a setup,” Blaze says as he steps into the flowerbed to help me. “Maybe he’s hopping back to Chile or Argentina or wherever he’s from.”

  I give him a small smile. “The question is, does he have some sexy female parrot waiting for him in a getaway vehicle?”

  Blaze looks under a Subaru. “Maybe a drone picked him up.”

  I snort. “Amazon does have those package-dropping ones.”

  Blaze cups his hands to his mouth. “Jeff Bezos, if you’re here, just come out and no one will get hurt.” He looks over at me and grins. “Just trying to make you laugh.”

  I smile…then a big truck zooms past on the highway just fifty yards away. Horror hits. What if he wanders out to the road? All I can see is smashed bird, and I’m headed that way when I hear Blaze shouting.

  I flip around.

  “Found him!” he yells from a small pine tree to the left, about five feet from my car.

  “I never thought to check in the trees! He must have flown up. I bet it took all he had!” I trot over and Blaze holds out his arm, which Bill promptly hops onto.

  He nuzzles his head against Blaze’s hand.

  “He’s shivering,” Blaze says. Using his arm as a perch for the bird, he tucks him under his varsity jacket.

  “Thank you. God, thank you so much. Give him to me.” I reach out.

  Blaze is looking at me. “I’ll carry him in with you.”

  “You don’t have to. I’m sure you have class. I promise I’ll be extra careful.” Remorse hits me. “I never should have taken my eyes off him. It won’t happen again.”

  “I know you’re careful. I know. I just want to help. Let me, Charm.” He looks down at the parrot, who’s poked his head out. “Plus, he likes me.”

  He’s never even had a pet.

  We stare at each other for a few seconds until the wind picks back up, and then I nod and we head inside.

  I get him signed in and we sit down in the waiting room.

  “No cats in here—thank God. He hates them,” I say.

  “Nice diaper bag,” Blaze says dryly as he looks at the big purse thing I plop at my feet.

  “It’s Pen’s. We use it when he travels.” I swallow down sudden nervousness. Here we are, side by side, close, and I can’t think of what to say—

  “Vampire Bill,” calls out a young female receptionist, and I wave at her. She takes Blaze in, smiles, and blushes. Her eyes glaze over. “Hey…are you Blaze Townsend?”

  He nods.

  “I’m a huge fan,” she titters.

  “Now, at the freaking vet’s office too?” I say under my breath.

  He nods at her, rather coolly, and looks down at VB, who currently has his head back out of the jacket and is eyeballing everything. “Can we get this little guy a room?”

  She straightens, getting a load of his indifference at her starry eyes. “Sure. Right, come this way, please. Dr. Sally will see you now.”

  We get settled and Blaze carefully places him on the silver exam table.

  “You two are so cute with your bird,” says the doctor as she comes in, eyes sweeping the room. An older lady with gray hair and glasses, she’s wearing a white coat and a big smile. “Have y’all been dating long? Waylon sweethearts I bet.”

  Blaze’s breath hitches, and his voice is soft when he speaks. “She kissed me.”

  I start at his declaration and glance at him. He’s staring at me, emotion swirling in his gaze.

  “Okay, that’s…nice,” Dr. Sally murmurs as she watches us warily.

  I shake my head. “Seriously? Here?”

  He gives me a sobering look, his face serious. “You don’t kiss a guy for no good reason, Charm. It meant something. We aren’t over.”

  My mouth opens, then I quickly shut it. “You had a date with you.”

  “So did you. Bet you didn’t kiss him.” He pauses, his eyes intense. “You’re mine, Charm.”

  My heart flutters. What?

  The doctor clears her throat. “Um, okay, this is all interesting, but can we get to the bird?”

  When she turns around to wash her hands, he leans down and whispers, “Never even bought you a sandwich, but people think we’re together.”

  “OMG,” I whisper.

  He laughs, and my lips twitch.

  “So tell me about the sick parrot,” she says as she walks to Vampire Bill.

  “Cold as shit!” he complains loudly as hops around on the table.

  “Ah, I remember you.” She looks down at his file. “Little rescue fellow, right?”

  I nod and explain his symptoms while Blaze stands next to me. He takes my hand, lacing our fingers together, and I pause before continuing on. She shines a light in his eyes and takes a small sample of the discharge. After a few more routine checks, she closes her penlight. “He’s got a pretty severe eye infection. Luckily, I have drops. I’ll leave them up front for you to get when you check out. Otherwise, he’s a healthy, happy bird.”

  “You’re sure?” I ask. “He’s barely been his usual talky self.”

  She nods. “The stress of an eye issue is enough to change his normal behavior, just like when a human has a cold.”

  I watch as Blaze picks him up and tucks him back under his jacket.

  “Is it okay for him to carry the bird
like that?” I ask her as we walk out.

  She smiles. “Sure. The warmth of his chest is probably extremely comforting.”

  Indeed.

  We get the drops and walk out. At the car, Blaze helps me get Bill back in his cage and buckled up. Neither one of us is talking, and I’m all nerves.

  You’re mine.

  He pauses for a second as he stands back up to open my door for me.

  “Charisma, about last night—”

  I put my hand to his mouth. “Later. I’ll see you tonight,” I say.

  He pauses, his eyes searching my face. “Tonight then.”

  25

  I stare at my reflection in the rearview mirror after I turn off Lady Maxima. I’m pale. With a groan, I open my purse and apply blush to my cheeks then swipe on more lipstick. What else? I grab a bottle of peppermint mist and spritz my hair.

  Stepping out of the car, I smooth down my black dress. Short with a plunging neckline, it hugs me like a second skin and screams see you at the club. My hair is in beach waves, flowing down the back of the open dress, and there’s a slit on the side that goes up to my bare upper thighs. Basically, I’m freezing my ass off.

  I inhale.

  I got this.

  My nerves are pulled taut as I take the steps that lead up to his third-story dorm room.

  I see a group of football players on the open-air landing ahead eyeballing me, and I pick up my pace in the three-inch heels.

  A football player I don’t know, probably one of the underclassmen, lets out a whistle when I reach the top. “Hey, you looking for me? ’Cause I’m available.”

  “Zip it,” I say. I don’t have time for testosterone-induced bullshit. My mission is Blaze. We’re going to talk. We’re going to…

  I don’t know.

  He walks up to me, a big smile on his face. “Aw, don’t be like that. Where you been all my life? My room is right down the hall—”

  One of the other guys elbows him in the ribs and whispers something in his ear. I hear my name.

  The flirty one’s eyes flare and he holds up his hands. “Ah, sorry, Miss Charisma. Didn’t know who you were or I never would have said that.”

  Miss Charisma? WTH. He’s only a few years younger than me.

  “No worries. Carry on.” I walk past him and head to Blaze’s door. There’s no sound from the other side, and I let out a sigh of relief. Part of me was worried they’d be having a party, and I’m not up for that.