She extended her left hand, palmlight waiting. I woke my palmlight and held my extended fingers over hers, our palms barely an inch apart. Somehow, it felt more intimate than actually touching. But maybe that had more to do with the golden brown depths of those eyes I couldn’t seem to look away from.
After too long, her gaze ticked to the bandaged side of my face, breaking the spell. We broke our palmlight link.
“… just call,” she concluded, moving back to her cleanup as I mumbled another thanks and turned for the door wondering what the scud I was doing.
I left the medica with a salve-covered face, another full tube of the miraculous stuff, a bottle of pain killers I’d repeatedly told Melanie I didn’t need, and a sharp dose of what the scud was I thinking in there?
Had I been flirting?
Had she?
No. It had just been friendly banter—medic and patient, passing the awkward silence. And the thing with the palmlights… it was an everyday act, swapping personal IDs like that. Right. An everyday act that’d felt so intimate that I’d forgotten to breathe in the moment.
Guilt crept through my excuses like the acrid bite of the salve, which the makers had only partially succeeded in hiding under a pungent mask of minty aromas. I inspected the tube and almost laughed. There, right on the corner of the salve container, was the inverted pyramid logo that formed the V in Vantage Corp.
As quickly as bitter amusement came, it was swept out by cold alarm at the thought that the raknoth could’ve put anything into any of Vantage’s drugs. But that was paranoid, right? Alton Parker had used Vantage as a front for some truly horrible things, but he’d also needed to keep a legitimate company running on the surface all those years, hadn’t he?
Sure. But that didn’t really calm the itch to find a mirror and check that I wasn’t already sprouting green scales.
Outside the medica, I deliberated for a few seconds then turned for the block of civilian barracks where they’d given me quarters. The fab in my tiny kitchen unit was paltry compared to the selection in the mess halls, but I suddenly wasn’t feeling all that hungry anyway. All I really wanted to do was stash this ridiculous civie armor, clean off the rest of the grime of battle, and crawl into bed for a good day or two.
Briefly, I thought about adding Johnny to that list, seeing if we could talk about what’d happened today, but that was probably a conversation best left for after I’d slept. Which made it all the more startling when I walked in to find Johnny waiting for me in my small living room.
And he wasn’t alone.
Elise turned from the wide window slowly, like she was afraid at what she might find. Scud, after the past week, maybe she was genuinely scared I’d spook and run if she moved too fast.
“Lise…”
I don’t know why I expected to find her face livid as she turned. I’m sure there was anger bubbling in her somewhere, but for the most part, her blue eyes just looked tired and worried as they met mine. It only tripled the guilt tightening around my chest.
I stared, searching for something to say, hoping she’d beat me to it. Instead, she crossed the room, holding my gaze until she was close enough to wrap me in a tight hug. I wanted to return the hug, to melt into her, but I was too shocked, too off balance.
Behind Elise, Johnny let out a heavy sigh and dropped down on the bland gray couch. Elise’s embrace was warm and caring, but their silence, their demeanors…
“What’s going on?” I finally found my voice to ask.
I was pretty sure I knew the answer.
Elise pulled back. Looked up at me with those startling blue eyes I’d been too self-absorbed to tell her were beautiful for too long now.
“He’s worried about you, love,” she whispered in my mind. “He told me what you did to try to protect him.” Her eyes drifted across the bandaged half of my face. “And what happened on the rooftop.”
I tensed, anger flickering at the thought of Johnny running to Elise like a tail-tucked hound.
“Hal, don’t.”
The apprehension in her thoughts snapped me back to her. She’d stiffened against me, her eyes… what? Wary? Afraid? Since when had Elise been afraid of me?
I turned to Johnny, trying to keep calm. “You called her to pout? Seriously?”
Johnny exploded to his feet like he’d been waiting for it. “Great. You guys are doing that thing. Good, yeah. Go, team telepath. Hey, here’s one for you.” He stuck two fingers to the side of his head. “Are you getting it? Spoiler alert—I’m thinking you’re an asshole.”
“Johnny…” Elise said.
“Yeah,” I said, pulling away from Elise. “An alive asshole. Just like you, buddy.”
“You’re so full of scud.”
“What do you want me to do?” I shouted. “Huh? What? You want me to let you tag along next time so we can die together?”
“Let me?” He shook his head, his mouth pulling into a bitter, humorless smile. “You’re really buying it aren’t you? All in. The mighty Haldin Raish. Shaper. Raknoth slayer. Invincible hero of the—”
“Grop you, you—”
“Boys!” Elise’s voice cut through the air like igniting scorch dust, snapping us both to attention.
Johnny spoke quietly now, head hung, refusing to meet my eyes. “You’re not even considering for a second that things might’ve turned out differently if I’d had your back. That maybe one of us would’ve noticed the damn bomb before you charged in, or that maybe you wouldn’t have done it at all. Can’t you see that?”
I opened my mouth, certain that I had a good point to make yet curiously absent any of its details.
“You can do things I can’t, Hal. Amazing things. You’re better than me, I know that. But you’re not invincible. You can’t do it all on your own.”
“I’m not…” I took a breath. “You think I don’t know that? You think I went up there planning to just round up a raknoth and bring him down in a nice little bag for you guys? Do you know what I’ve watched those things do to people?”
I was trembling.
Tears were going to spill over any moment if I didn’t keep talking. So I did.
“I watched Al’Kundesha suck the life from my mom’s throat. Watched him break my dad’s neck like a twig. Do you think I forgot watching Zar’Faenor rip Carlisle’s insides out?” My voice cracked, my lips trembling. “He was twice the fighter I’ll ever be, and you think I don’t know I can die out there?”
Elise reached for my arm. I jerked away before I could think about it and slid past her, my feet carrying me past the waist-high divider between entryway and living room. Toward the bedroom door. Around in inconclusive circles. I was breathing heavily. Couldn’t think straight.
“Let me help you, man.” Johnny glanced at Elise as she moved to join him. “Let us help you. You don’t have to take this thing on by yourself.”
Something bristled inside me at the sight of them side-by-side, arrayed against me. Some part of me knew they didn’t mean it like that—them versus me—but my heart was racing, the walls pressing in on me. It was hard to see anything else.
Elise took a slow step toward me. “I know how much you’ve lost, love. But we’re here for you.”
My head was spinning, split down the center. I felt like I was caught between two hulking behemoths trying to tear me apart.
I wanted to go to Elise. Wanted to run my hands through her raven hair, so striking in the sunlit room, framing her beautiful face. Wanted to wrap her in my arms and kiss her. Fall to her feet, bury my face against her, and never, never let her go.
But when she reached for my face, that other behemoth roared, ripping me away. I recoiled from her touch, not knowing why.
We stayed frozen like that, Johnny and Elise watching me with surprise or sadness or I don’t know what, me teetering between throwing myself at them and wanting to run the other direction.
Alpha, I missed Elise’s smile. When had she started looking so tired? Had I done that to her?
And what about Johnny?
Every time I’d seen him, my ever-energetic friend had only been looking more and more like he’d just watched his pup die. And why? I’d agreed to come back. He’d gotten what he’d wanted, hadn’t he?
Johnny held my gaze for only a few seconds before dropping his eyes to the floor. He looked like he wanted to hit something. But not me. And that’s when it hit me.
My coming back to help stop the raknoth wasn’t what Johnny had wanted at all. It was the Legion that had wanted that. The Legion which Johnny believed in with all his heart, even when he didn’t see eye to eye with their methods. He’d acted as their instrument because he believed it was for the greater good. And now he hated himself for it.
We’d all been silent for minutes now.
Elise swallowed, like she was afraid to let go of the words hanging on her tongue.
“Carlisle gave his life for yours, Hal. He gave it so you could live, not so you could kill yourself trying to live up to him or whatever you think he wanted.”
She was wrong.
My mind couldn’t seem to find the pieces to tell her how and why—it was like she’d hit my brain with a raw bolt of electricity—but I was sure she was wrong.
You are the best I have to offer this world, he’d said.
She was wrong.
I was doing exactly what I had to.
Hot tears traced down my cheeks, past my nose. I refused to wipe them off.
“You’ve both said what you had to.” My voice sounded thick, far away. “So thanks. You’re off the hook now.”
I turned and walked into the bedroom, away from the two people I loved most in the world, wanting to scream with each step. Wanting to lash out—put my fist through the wall. I kept walking until I crossed the threshold.
“I’m not leaving,” Elise said behind me.
I closed the gray bedroom door and leaned heavily against the wall.
Elise and Johnny stood there on the other side, unmoving. I couldn’t directly feel them in my extended senses—Carlisle’s pendants saw to that. But I felt them there anyway by the absence of sensation—the faintest whispers of emptiness that shouldn’t have been. Voids without explanation.
I fell to the bed, weeping silently.
10
Delivery
That I slept fitfully wasn’t overly surprising. Not anymore, and especially not after the day I’d had. Peaceful sleep was a long forgotten memory, bordering on the mythical. But at least Alton Parker kept things original in my nightmares, each time finding new and horrible ways to torture me or make me watch as he hurt Elise and Johnny.
So no, I wasn’t surprised to wake a dozen times through the night, covered in cold sweat. But I was surprised when I later woke to a familiar weight settling on the bed beside me and a soft touch on the shoulder.
Judging from the light pouring into the room, I’d slept clear through the evening, the night, and well into the next morning.
“Lise?” I mumbled, blinking sleep from my eyes.
Her face came into focus above me, soft and caring, if a bit guarded.
I sat up, wincing at my body’s immediate and extensive reminders of yesterday’s violent flight.
“I’m sorry,” I groaned. “About yesterday. About everything, I guess.”
She searched my face, weighing my words, and finally gave me a small smile.
It made me sick how much that smile didn’t spread to her eyes.
She tilted her head at the bedside table, where she’d set a tray of food, and it hit me that I’d forgotten to eat yesterday. The rank smell of blood and sweat and explosive residue reminded me I’d forgotten to clean up too.
Elise wrinkled her nose a little, letting me know the fact wasn’t lost on her. Then my stomach informed us with a mighty growl that there was far more pressing business to attend, and, for a moment, we shared a genuine smile.
She stood and went to the window as I pulled the tray onto my lap and began shoveling down fresh eggs and bacon like my life depended on it.
“Breakfast in bed,” I said quietly after I’d gotten enough down to momentarily appease the hungry monster in my belly. I stared at her profile for a long moment. “You ever think maybe I don’t deserve you?”
She turned slowly, her forehead crinkled, just enough sadness beneath her smile to tell me the thought must’ve occurred to her at least once in the past season, even if she didn’t want to believe it herself.
“Hal…” She hesitated, then came to sit on the bed and take my hand in hers. “I love you.”
It wasn’t an answer, but the words warmed me nonetheless.
“Not as much as I love you.”
She smiled at that but looked down, and I could tell she was weighing the validity of the statement.
Collecting herself, she met my eyes and shrugged. “Either way, my teacher needs to eat if he’s ever gonna teach me how to put this thing”—she tapped the side of her head—“to good use.”
I cupped her cheek, relishing the smooth softness. “Fair enough.”
I took a few more bites and started to move the tray to the bedside table so I could get up.
Elise stopped me. “Eat more.”
She rose from the bed with fluid grace, and for a second, I wanted to reach out and yank her back—to throw her down on the bed and lose myself in her.
“Eat,” she repeated, gliding to the doorway. “I’ll be meditating.”
I ate until I was pleasantly stuffed, then I pulled myself out of bed and went to the shower the unholy mess from my body. When I was carefully patted dry and preparing to apply another helping of the salve, I nearly laughed at my reflection. The skin was already looking better thanks to the salve. The hair—or lack thereof—on the other hand…
I reached out and found that Elise had dropped her cloak to practice.
“I look ridiculous,” I sent, reaching for the tube of salve that wasn’t going to improve matters.
“Reasons to avoid getting bombed in the future,” came Elise’s voice. “Also, you could get a hat. Like, a really big hat.”
I smiled, grabbed the trimmer that was standard issue in all Legion quarters, and took the rest of my hair down to a short buzz in quick order. It wasn’t perfect, but at least it looked a bit less ridiculous with things closer to even on both sides.
It felt good to smile, to hear Elise joking. I doubted any of us were happy about how yesterday’s little intervention had turned out, but maybe it had at least pushed us all over the hump of the tension I’d been feeling with Elise and with Johnny. Maybe things would get better from here.
I was nearly done applying new salve when I got a little too eager with my thumb. I winced at the burning pain, mind immediately flashing to what Melanie had said about stubborn warrior types, and to everything else.
Guilt crept in. Pushing the thought firmly from my mind, I closed the tube and reached for a fresh bandage.
When I finally emerged from the bedroom, dressed and freshly bandaged, Elise was sitting in the center of the living room, cross-legged, eyes closed. I reached out and felt her presence slowly sweeping here and there throughout the room.
“You’re beautiful.” I sent without thinking, meaning it with all my heart.
Her blue eyes snapped open, then she narrowed them at me. “Now you’re just digging for extra points.”
“You’re so pretty when you’re suspicious.”
She made an unflattering face.
I smiled. “Yep. There’s the face I fell in love with.”
She arched a brow. “You take one too many of those pain meds from Medic Melanie Mills?”
An icy jolt slid through me. I hadn’t even noticed Melanie’s name on the container. But that was fine, right? Because there was no reason it shouldn’t be.
“That’s a mouthful, isn’t it?” Elise was saying. “Johnny would probably… Hal?”
Fine. It was fine.
I sighed. “I didn’t take any of those pills. I
just… wanted you to know that I still feel the same way about you.” I dropped her gaze. “Even when I’m… not myself.” Feeling uncomfortably vulnerable, I quickly added, “Let’s just train.”
I looked up to find her wiping at her eyes. She sniffled once.
It only made me feel worse.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I shouldn’t have thrown off your focus.”
“No.” She shook her head, sniffling again. “I think I kinda needed to hear that. Besides, if I can’t focus past some standard teenage drama, how am I supposed to do it with a hungry raknoth coming at me?”
“Hopefully not at all,” I said. “And I’m not sure I’d call anything about us standard.”
Her lip twitched. “Oh, Alpha no. How could anything be standard about the mighty Haldin Raish?”
“Yeah, yeah.” Drawing thermal energy from the air, I telekinetically plucked the two glassy decorative orbs from the table by the couch and brought them to hover in front of her. “How about you focus up and try to wrap your mind around my balls?”
“I need to find a new teacher,” she grumbled.
I don’t know exactly what had changed, but we went on for a while, joking like we’d done before I’d gone sullen and distant. Because I had to admit that now. I had been sullen. And distant. And unworthy of her love. But today was a new day, and for the first time in weeks, I felt properly awake. Focused. Ready to be there for her.
And ready to make Alton Parker and his kin pay in whatever way I could.
So, while Elise set to work practicing her telekinesis, I sat down on the other side of the room to begin teasing at the mystery of how to protect a mind from telepathy.
After thinking for a while, I decided to start by deactivating my cloaking pendant and simply trying to create a similar effect for myself, no runes or devices involved. Whether it was the right place to start on the path to producing new cloaking pendants, I had no idea. I wished I’d asked Carlisle more about his rune system when I’d had the chance. What little he had told me was that the runes were essentially vessels which could be made to hold a Shaper’s will even after he or she had ceased to exert it.
Demons of Divinity Page 10