by Hayes, Lane
He didn’t move a muscle. I could practically see tension course through him and settle into his limbs, paralyzing him. Sure, I was curious but now, I was worried. I wished I could retract my question or think of another one to chase this away. But with every passing second, the silence took on a life of its own. The question became a statement. A poignant one with the power to strengthen and take on a physical form. I almost gasped in relief when he finally glanced away and shrugged nonchalantly.
“Life happened, Josh. It always does, but that part can’t touch me now. Come on. Let’s go to bed. I have to get up at five.”
I pulled his arm when he started to walk away. “What can’t touch you? Y-you said guilt is a heavy burden. Lay it down, Finn. Leave it here.”
“Over a decade has passed since I left home and—”
“No. That was when you left Dublin. That’s not when you left your home. I’ve been paying attention. Home is where you grew up. It’s where you lived before you went to college. It’s where your mother is buried.”
He frowned. “My mother died in Dublin.”
“But she isn’t buried there, is she?”
“No.”
“Why?”
Finn gave me a “what the fuck?” look. “Da didn’t want her in the city. It was where she died. Not where she lived.”
“Why isn’t he with her then?”
“Because he’s still alive,” he replied testily. “Jesus, Josh. My parents have nothing whatsoever to do with my reason for leaving or—”
“Maybe not directly, but something happened.”
“I didn’t murder anyone if that’s what you’re worried about,” he retorted derisively.
“Maybe you didn’t do anything that’ll put you in the pokey, but you think you did.”
Silence.
“I know what I did.”
“What?” When he didn’t answer, I tried again. “Okay…if guilt were brownies, would you have more or less than what you saw at my mom’s?”
Finn swiped his hand over his stubbled jaw and let out a half laugh. “More. Ten times more.”
“That’s a lot,” I prodded when he didn’t continue.
“Aye. I suppose it’s appropriate to be standing here in me underwear. You’re not giving much room to hide, are you? So here goes…I was unfaithful.”
“Huh? To whom?”
“My wife.”
Oh. Crap.
Wife?
I didn’t expect that. At all. Nor did I expect to feel like I’d taken a shot in the gut. I stared at him with my mouth open for a full minute before setting my water glass down with a shaky hand. It was too cold to hold now and so was I. I was freezing, actually. Inside and out.
“You were married? When? I—” I gave up trying to string words together. I couldn’t comprehend what he was telling me, which was silly. I knew he was bi. But married? “Are you still married?”
“No, we divorced years ago.”
“Who is she? Are you still friends?”
“No,” he answered woodenly. “I haven’t seen her in a long while. Her name was Mae. We met at school when we were sixteen. We were only friends. I think she wanted more back then but I didn’t and I couldn’t figure out why. I had this constant storm inside my head. I liked Mae. She was pretty, smart, and fun to be with. We made a nice couple. That’s what everyone said. My mother especially. She loved her. I didn’t understand my lack of interest, but I thought perhaps I needed to put in a little more effort. So one day I kissed her. The earth didn’t stop turning and though it was nothing like kissing you, it was nice. Over time I convinced myself that I wanted more with her. Eventually, I convinced myself that the sex was good and that I wanted to be with her forever.”
“Oh.”
“Then I met Berke and I realized I’d been lying to myself.”
“Who’s Berke?”
“He was…a friend. We worked nights at a bar together. We’d talk into the wee hours of morning while we cleaned and restocked. He was tall like you, but he was built more like me. He was handsome but a bit rough looking too. He had tattoos everywhere. His arms, chest, back…he fascinated me. I didn’t know anyone like him. He was bold and reckless and sexy as hell. The first time he kissed me, I thought I’d catch fire. Literally. He backed me into a corner in the storeroom and pinned my hands at my sides and licked me. My neck, my jaw, my lips. He gave me room to flee if I wanted out, but I didn’t. I wasn’t going anywhere. It was too good. We kissed until dawn. We did the same thing every night after for weeks, but we got bolder each time. Grinding and kissing led to hand jobs then blowjobs and eventually…” Finn sighed. “…we did it all.”
“We were very careful. Our town is hardly a smudge on the map. Everyone knows everyone’s business there and they’ve known it since birth. If we weren’t alone at work, we met in Dublin. It got easier to be with him when I transferred to uni in Dublin. I’d be there three or four days a week for school then come home to work. Before I knew it, I was living two lives. A gay life in the city and a straight one in town. Some might say I had my cake and was eating it too. But truthfully, it was hell. I didn’t know how to undo it. Then Mae got pregnant and it undid itself.”
“Oh, my God.”
“You can say that again. A good Catholic fixes pesky problems like childbirth out of wedlock by putting a ring on it quick. So I asked her to marry me and because we were short on time, it was a done deal within three months. I was twenty-three at the time and scared shitless. I wasn’t equipped to be a husband or a father. I was a bloody mess. I ended my relationship with Berke, finished my college courses online, and waited for my life to change again. Only I wasn’t really prepared. Mae miscarried mid-pregnancy and my mom got sick a month later.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“Hmm. Me too. About everything. Mae was heartbroken. I was too, which was funny because I might have sworn her getting pregnant was God’s way of punishing me for Berke. Either way, I was a wreck. I was depressed and couldn’t shake the feeling my world was closing in on me. And when Mum got sick…” He closed his eyes for a moment as though he was guarding himself against a painful memory. “…I cracked. And Berke was the one who put me back together.”
“What did he do?” I whispered.
“He listened. That’s it. He respected my marriage. He respected me. He didn’t try to rekindle anything. He just listened. Then one day, he came over before his shift to borrow a T-shirt. And it happened. We kissed. We hadn’t done so much as touch each other in months and that kiss was…a lover’s kiss. It was passionate and greedy and I got lost in it. So lost, I didn’t hear Mae walk in.”
“Jesus. Poor girl. What did she do?”
“She cried. Or screamed or…I don’t know. I couldn’t hear over the roar in my ears. It was deafening. Sometimes it still is. And fuck knows, the guilt is all encompassing. I tried to repair the damage the best I could but at twenty-three, I couldn’t deal with so much pain. Mae’s hurt, my father’s shame, my mother’s illness. I was wrong and I deserved whatever came my way and I took my punishment as it came. Mae and I divorced, which was for the best, but divorce isn’t well received where I’m from. Especially when it’s attached to a scandal. I lost countless friends and my family.…Let’s just say life became intolerable at home.
“Mae didn’t put an ad in the local paper to let everyone know why she’d left me, but word travels quickly in a small town. My father’s social standing at the local pub suffered mightily, or so he assured me. I was an embarrassment and he was mortally shamed to call me his son.”
“That’s horrible.”
“He still hasn’t forgiven me. Mum’s cancer gave him the excuse he needed to escape daily humiliation. When it was obvious that she needed better medical care than she’d receive in town, he didn’t hesitate to move her to Dublin. And to let me know everything was my fault.”
“It wasn’t your fault, Finn. You can blame yourself for that kiss but not the rest and certainly not your mo
m’s illness.”
“But I am to blame. I brought shame to my family. I can’t split hairs after the fact. It doesn’t matter that I was young and afraid. I allowed fear to rule my thinking. I convinced myself I was in love with Mae when I knew I wasn’t. I married her when she got pregnant and prayed God would overlook my transgressions. I vowed I’d never touch a man again, but…I was weak.”
“It was just a kiss, Finn.”
“It was never just a kiss!” he roared. “I cheated. I lied. I sold myself as someone I wasn’t.”
“But—”
“No excuses!” I jumped when he smacked his hand on the counter hard. “I failed, Josh. I failed as a man, as a son, as a human. I can apologize until the end of time, but it doesn’t erase what’s done. I can’t sugarcoat it or pretend I’m a new man. A change of address doesn’t change character. I’m the same bastard that I always was,” he scoffed unhappily. “I thought this guilt wouldn’t touch me here, but I was wrong. I can’t escape it or erase it. It follows me everywhere. It’s here now.”
I let the silence take over for a moment as I eyed him warily.
“No wonder you took my mother’s plate of guilt brownies.”
He glared at me somewhat menacingly. “What do you mean by that?”
“You’re wallowing in guilt for something that happened years ago. You’ve done your penance. What’s done is done. I’m not suggesting you weren’t culpable but for Christ’s sake, Finn, you were pretty damn young.”
“And stupid,” he added.
“Fear makes us do stupid things, then we feel guilty and beat ourselves up and round and round it goes. It sounds like you grew up in a conservative household where being gay or bi was considered…”
“Weak. Half a man. Less than. Sub-par. Not good enough. My dad still calls gays poofs or nancy boys. Homosexuality is a sin as far as he’s concerned.”
“Why do you still care about what he thinks?”
“I don’t. However, I also don’t go out of my way to aggravate him. I’ve already lost one parent, Josh. I see my father once a year and let him think what he wants.”
“Does he know about your life here? Does he—oh. He thinks you and Scarlet are a couple, doesn’t he?”
“Not because I told him so. He’s read the social media nonsense my sister flags for him and he believes the story he wants to hear,” he snorted derisively.
I narrowed my gaze as realization dawned. “This is why you haven’t agreed to help Scarlet. He’ll think you’ll marry her and it will be the same story again.”
“I didn’t agree or disagree yet. This is a big decision and—”
“And it just might make you happy,” I finished, shaking my head sorrowfully. “You want a son or a daughter, but not a wife you don’t love. It seems like Scarlet is offering you that but…you don’t think you deserve another chance, do you? You’re still punishing yourself for the past. I don’t like that. It doesn’t seem fair.”
“Life isn’t fair, Josh.”
“Maybe not. But I don’t think a life sentence spent trying to regain your father’s favor fits the crime either. Good night, Finn. I’m going to bed.”
I noted his incredulous look as I moved toward the stairs. He didn’t follow me. I didn’t know if I’d pushed him too far and when I slipped under the covers, I wasn’t sure I cared. This was what I got for being nosy. He shared his secret, and I unfortunately shared my opinion. This was why I couldn’t have nice things, I huffed. But someone had to be honest. It wasn’t fair that he was punishing himself for something that had happened over a decade ago. In a way I understood, but there had to be a day of deliverance. There had to be an end to the pain so something new could begin.
I pulled the duvet over my head when I heard Finn enter the room. He moved to his side of the bed and lifted the covers higher than necessary, letting a blast of cool air underneath. I shivered slightly and clutched my corner of blanket in an effort to stay warm. He surrounded me a moment later, molding his chest to my back. He set his hand on my hip and kissed my shoulder.
“So you think I’m a hopeless case, eh?”
I rolled over and shook my head. “No, but I hate that you feel that way.”
Finn cocked his head then rubbed his thumb over my lower lip. “You surprise me. I didn’t expect that kick in the arse.”
“I’m not going to apologize. But believe it or not, I’m not judging you.” I let out a half laugh when he raised his brow. “I just think it’s time to let go. Be happy, Finn. Follow your heart. The rest will fall into place.”
“Wise words, love.” Finn laid his hand over my heart then he traced a circle around my nipple. He kept his gaze down as though deep in thought. Then he lowered his hand and placed it over my crotch and slipped his knee between my legs, rolling me to my back and covering me in one fluid motion. “Let me inside you, Josh. Let me fall into place with you.”
I knew it was meant to be a corny throwaway line but the heated look in his eyes gave the words a deeper meaning. It was as though another conversation was happening without either of us saying a thing. Before I could question or attempt to lighten the suddenly potent atmosphere between us, Finn sealed his mouth over mine.
The kiss was sweet. Gliding tongues with a gentle caress and a soft sigh. When Finn tilted his hips to meet mine, I snapped the elastic on his boxer briefs before pushing them over his ass and grabbing his bare cheeks. He hummed his approval then jutted forward, sliding his erection alongside mine through the cotton barrier. The sexy make-out session with deep kisses and the slow grind was heavenly, but I wanted more and the wet spot on the front of his briefs told me he felt the same.
I hooked my right leg over his upper thigh and arched my back, looking for friction. Finn sat back on his heels, shucked his briefs off, and motioned for me to do the same. Then he resumed his position between my open legs and stuck two fingers in my mouth.
“Suck,” he commanded in a raspy voice.
I obeyed as I reached for my throbbing dick. Finn scooted back then bent his head and swooped down to lick the precum drooling from my slit just as he pushed a spit-slicked finger inside me. I cried out, wiggling into the sensation as my body adjusted to the sudden attention. He sucked me a little harder, moving up and down my shaft with the perfect amount of pressure. He fondled my balls then tongue-bathed them before dipping lower to lick the sensitive skin above my hole.
“Finn, fuck me.”
“Soon, love. Relax,” he cooed.
But when he flicked his tongue over my entrance and added a second digit, I nearly flew off the bed. He bent his fingers slightly, brushing my sweet spot with each pass. I had no choice but to let go. I stroked my cock as I gyrated from side to side and then up and down. My movements were feverish and desperate.
“More. Please,” I begged.
Finn complied. He pistoned his fingers rhythmically and licked my hole. I flattened my feet on the bed and moaned. I was close. So close. And when he swatted my hand away then bent to suck me again while he finger-fucked me, I knew the end was near. I yanked his hair and tried to warn him with unintelligible grunts, but Finn responded by sucking with a vengeance. When the first spasm hit me, I lifted my hips and clutched at the sheets.
“That’s it, baby. Come for me.”
And I did. Everywhere. My chest, my chin, and Finn’s cheek.
Finn chuckled then licked his lips and gave me a pirate’s grin before crashing his mouth over mine. He rolled over, pulling me onto his lap so that I was on top of him. I knew what he wanted and I had to admit that I loved that words weren’t necessary. I slid down his torso, stopping to sucks his tits and tweak them the way he liked. Then I moved south until his rigid cock nudged my chin. I knelt between his thighs and gripped him firmly before sucking as much of him as I could at once. I gagged almost immediately. I was still keyed up after my orgasm and frustrated that my blowjob skills had somehow suffered.
I sat up abruptly and leaned over to grab supplies from the n
ightstand. I tore the condom wrapper between my teeth, rolled the latex over his stiff prick and quickly added lube. Finn cupped his hands behind his head in a nonchalant pose as I scrambled over him. I lined his cock at my entrance and slowly lowered myself. Finn’s nostrils flared in appreciation, but he didn’t move until I was fully seated. Then he massaged my thighs and ran his hands up my stomach and splayed them on my chest.
I rolled my hips to test my readiness. Fuck, he felt good. Perfect, even. I was relaxed from my orgasm and suddenly intent on making this memorable for him. I wanted to relieve the weight of heady revelations and float above the real world for a while. Just us. I threaded my fingers through his and stared into his eyes, hoping to convey my thoughts without speech. And then I began to move.
Up and down, slow and steady. My cock twitched with renewed interest as the cadence built around us. I was tempted to let go of his hand to jack myself, but I needed to touch him. To be connected with him. I leaned forward to seal my mouth over his then thrust my tongue between his lips. He groaned in response. The sound reverberated through my body, sending shivers along my spine. I picked up the tempo and rode him in a kind of frenzy. I wasn’t chasing a finish line this time; I was simply overcome with need and desire.
When we broke for oxygen, Finn bit my bottom lip and pushed at my chest until I was sitting upright, impaled on his shaft. He shifted his weight forward to join me and wrapped his arms around my waist. The change in angle felt a-fucking-mazing. My dick was officially interested in the prospect of a second orgasm. I set my arms over his shoulders and rested my forehead against his.
“You feel incredible. I could do this all night,” I said in a husky tone.
Finn nodded then murmured my name before gripping my ass and pumping into me from below. Our position should have given me control, but it didn’t. Finn took over. He held me tightly and tapped my ass meaningfully.
“Move, Josh. Ride me. Go on. That’s it. Keep going.”
I leaned back and braced myself on the bed behind me and did as instructed. Finn stroked my half-hard dick with one hand and rubbed my nipples with the other. I was engrossed by sensation, completely lost in the moment. I obeyed his steady commands to go faster, harder and yeah, when his accent thickened and the dirty words flew from his mouth, I knew I was a goner.