by Hayes, Lane
Zane shook his hand and engaged in pleasant small talk for a few minutes until Dante excused himself. “I’ll be sure to send that email early next week, Josh. Thanks again for coming by.”
I watched Dante’s retreating form until he was swallowed by the crowd. Then I elbowed Zane in the ribs and pushed him away. “Why are you hanging on me, weirdo?”
“ ’Cause that guy was hanging all over you.”
“No, he wasn’t.”
“He was too. It wasn’t the overly obvious kind of ‘all over you,’ but I definitely think he wants in your pants. Something to consider when you’re looking over that contract, dude,” Zane commented wryly before plucking the wine from my hand and slugging it down. “Let’s go.”
* * *
The contract was emailed to me Monday, the same day Finn got back from his trip. We’d talked or texted every day while he was gone but for some reason, I never brought up Dante. Maybe it was because he didn’t mention Scarlet. He knew I went to the opening, I knew he went to Chicago, but we left the details alone. Then again, my version of “details” might have been skewed. I wasn’t sure if I was jealous with cause or if I was overthinking Scarlet’s presence in Chicago and blowing it out of proportion. But what I really hated was the haunting feeling of déjà vu.
I ignored it the best I could. When the weekend rolled around, I went with the flow and firmly pushed any negative thoughts away. I didn’t want to disturb the peace by asking probing questions. Especially when I wasn’t sure I’d like the answers. Action options seemed like a better alternative. Sex, dinner, more sex…and yeah, a bike ride.
“Where are you going?” Finn asked, whipping his sunglasses from his nose to give me a no-nonsense once-over.
“I need a break. My legs are on fire. Buy me a drink if you’re going to torture me. And a cupcake,” I complained as I pushed my bicycle to a nearby rack.
I propped it against the steel post and unraveled the lock, studiously keeping my gaze on my chore. I didn’t have to look at Finn to know he wasn’t impressed with my biking stamina. We’d ridden from the Haight to the Marina district, which didn’t seem impressive on a map, but some of those hills were crazy steep. Okay, fine. They were mostly downhill. But that only meant it was going to be a harrowing ride home. I couldn’t contemplate a ride across the Golden Gate Bridge without refueling with sugar and caffeine. And hopefully, talking Finn into rethinking our afternoon plans.
“A cupcake? Really?”
I shot him a dirty look and headed straight for the cupcake shop. I supposed it was technically a bakery. They sold cakes and cookies too, but they were known for their cupcakes. And their long lines. I turned in the doorway and gestured to the Starbucks across the street.
“You coffee, I’ll cupcake. Grab a table there and I’ll meet you,” I instructed, pushing the door open before he could argue.
Fifteen minutes later, I set my box of goodies on the table he’d commandeered at the front of the store and flopped gracelessly into the vacant chair opposite him.
“For you,” he said, sliding a large cup across the table.
“Thank you. And this…is for you.” I popped open the box with a Vanna White hand motion and then handed him a fork. “Chocolate Peanut Butter and Red Velvet. Dig in.”
“Wouldn’t you rather have lunch first?”
“Nope!”
“You’re like a kid sometimes,” he said affectionately. “Come here. You’re already wearing your chocolate frosting.”
I leaned across the table, expecting Finn to wipe a smudge I had zero interest in addressing while a chocolate cupcake was calling my name. He met me halfway then licked the corner of my mouth and kissed my lips.
“Um…th-thanks,” I stammered around a mouthful of cupcake.
“My pleasure. You’re not going to cross the bridge, are you?”
“What?” I asked with faux surprise. “Are you doubting my endurance?”
“Never. It’s just that you tend to stall when you don’t want to do something.”
“You noticed that, eh? Well, no. I don’t want to ride across the bridge. It’s windy, I’m tired and honestly, I’m kind of scared too.”
“Why would you be scared?”
“Seriously? Being suspended above the ocean with a piece of metal separating you from a sheer drop into shark infested waters on one side or a gory run-in with a semi-truck on the other does not sound like my idea of fun. Rain check?” I fluttered my eyelashes then picked up my cup and raised it in a toast.
Finn chuckled. “All right. Another time. I know you aren’t ready to tackle the hills home yet, so what do you want to do after you eat your cupcakes?”
“They’re for you too. Have a bite.” I dipped into the red velvet and held it to his lips. He rolled his eyes and finally opened his mouth and sucked. Maybe I was dehydrated from our bike ride, but I swore I saw stars. I gulped as I pulled my hand away.
“Delicious,” he agreed in a seductive, low voice that made my workout pants feel a size too small.
“Don’t do that,” I whispered. “We’re too far from home to do anything sexy, so behave.”
Finn winked then took a sip of his coffee. “All right then. Where to next?”
“I don’t know. Let’s just…walk around the shops for a while. Maybe we can ride to Chrissy Field after. It’s nice and flat there. Plus we can see the bridge up close, which is almost as good as riding on it. Or I can call Eric and Zane and see what they’re up to. They live a couple of blocks away and—”
“I’m sure Eric is sick of me. We’ve spent a lot of time together at work lately,” he said with a wry smile as he stretched his legs in front of him. Like me, Finn was wearing long black workout pants. Unlike me, his muscular calves and thighs filled them out to perfection.
Oh. I hadn’t expected him to bring this up but…this was good.
“Right. I didn’t know Eric and Nick would be in Chicago with you. How are they involved in your new office opening?”
“I sell a lot of their products. It’s important that my new team members are familiar with EN Tech from the top down. Both Eric and Nick addressed my sales force and my engineers and attended a couple of Q&As. It was great. I’ll have to go back again soon to hire a manager for that region but—”
“What about Scarlet?”
Finn cocked his head and narrowed his gaze. “I doubt Scarlet is interested in being a regional manager.”
“But she was in Chicago too. Wasn’t she?”
Finn nodded slowly. “Yes, she was. She was visiting family in the area and—did I do something wrong?”
I managed to pull off an indignant “oh, puh-leaze” look but for good measure I added, “Like what?”
“I don’t know. You know she’s my friend. Why would you be upset?”
“Because you didn’t tell me,” I snapped. “I heard it from Zane. And then Dante made some comment about you ‘keeping up appearances’ and…it bugged me.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to keep anything from you. It didn’t occur to me to mention it.”
“Believe it or not, that doesn’t make me feel better.” I swallowed a bite of cupcake then stared out the window and silently berated myself for opening my big mouth in the first place.
“Josh, look at me.” He waited until I obeyed before continuing. “Scarlet and I are old friends. You have nothing to worry about.”
“I’m not worried,” I lied. “But hey, it’s a little weird that I’ve never met her. It makes me feel like I’m the temporary one and—whoa. I need to shut up. I can’t blame tequila or excess sugar until I’ve eaten this whole cupcake so let’s just…change the subject. Read any good books lately?”
Finn didn’t laugh at the silly face I made or my corny delivery. He simply shook his head and then leaned in and cupped the back of my neck. “I—I’m not good at this part, Josh. I’ve been on my own for a long time. I don’t know the rules and—”
“There aren’t any rules,” I scoffed
. “Not formal ones anyway. We’re friends. We’re supposed to know how to communicate, right?”
“Wrong. I can’t read your mind and I can’t unlearn a lifetime worth of coping skills if I don’t know there’s another way. You have to tell me,” he said in a low earnest tone.
“Fine. It bothered me that she was with you and I didn’t know it.”
“Okay. It won’t happen again.”
“Just like that?” I asked skeptically.
“Just like that.”
Finn squeezed my hand and then angled his chin toward the exit. “Come, love. Let’s take a walk.”
“You want to go shopping?”
“I didn’t say that, but…I’ll follow wherever you lead.”
The swoon-worthy sentiment spoken in that beautiful brogue was nearly my undoing. And when he placed a protective hand on my shoulder and then kissed my brow before moving to open the door, I knew I was in big trouble.
We meandered through a couple of shops but neither of us was really interested. When I pointed at the window of a drug store, Finn shook his head and mouthed stalling. I sighed and followed him back to our bikes, thinking it was funny that he knew me so well already.
“Did you forget the combination or are you coming down prematurely from your sugar high?” Finn snarked.
“Where do you see yourself next year?”
Finn didn’t seem as taken aback as me by my weird non sequitur. “You forgot the combination, didn’t you?”
“No, smartass. It’s a real question.” I waved impatiently then ducked my head to concentrate on the code. I gave him a shit-eating grin when the lock clicked.
He smiled then shrugged nonchalantly. “You go first.”
“I honestly don’t know. I had a hard time picturing myself at Dante’s gallery. It was crowded and chaotic the way openings are, but I usually love that and…I didn’t love it last week.”
“Maybe you should go back on an ordinary day to see what it’s really like,” he suggested as he pulled his bike out.
We walked side by side then stopped at the corner to put our helmets on. “You’re right. I’ll swing by one day next week.”
He held his helmet at his side and gave me a searching look. “Dante is thrilled to have you start, you know. He really likes you.”
“Have you been talking about me?”
Finn’s phone rang loudly. He moved his cell from one pocket to the other but didn’t answer it. “Don’t get defensive. He didn’t call to chat about you. He was asking after Scarlet and—”
“Dante knows Scarlet too?” I don’t know why, but that bugged me.
Finn gave me a perturbed look. “Yes. We’ve all been friends for ages. What—”
“Your phone is ringing,” I snipped irritably. He gave his cell a cursory glance. His expression changed from agitation to worry in seconds flat. “What’s wrong?”
“I have five missed calls from Scarlet.”
“It must be important,” I said over the buzzing in my ear.
I studied him carefully as he licked his bottom lip and pushed Call. He stood straight and tall with his cell pressed to his ear in the same no-bullshit way he always did when he was discussing business or something he knew might be significant. He wiped his free hand on his navy pullover and turned slightly.
“Hi. Are you okay?”
I heard a woman’s scream through the connection and had an instant of panic when Finn went pale. He clenched his jaw as if in pain but before I could truly freak out, he smiled. It wasn’t an effusively happy gesture, but it indicated a positive response to whatever news the caller was relaying.
My nostrils flared as I tried to contain my emotions and not embarrass myself in public. I didn’t know what was wrong with me, but I wasn’t sure how I felt about what I thought might be happening. The buzzing noise was louder than ever. I could see Finn speaking but I couldn’t hear a thing. I wasn’t surprised when he turned to me with a shocked expression.
“She’s pregnant.”
Chapter 11
Everyone reacted to major life-changing events in their own way. But generally speaking, most people would agree that finding out you were expecting a baby was a big fucking deal for first-time parents. The promise of a new beginning in its most elemental, pure form was a thing of beauty. I may have been actively grappling with misplaced jealousy, but I was thankfully able to set it aside and celebrate the occasion with a whoop of joy and a heartfelt hug. I even whipped the phone from Finn’s hand to congratulate Scarlet when his frozen silence went on a beat too long.
The conversation wasn’t particularly memorable. I introduced myself, she told me she’d heard a lot about me and then thanked me for the well-wishes. It wasn’t the content of our brief interaction that stood out. It was the silence in between. Finn’s stony expression, Scarlet’s sweet but carefully chosen words and me…the guy in the middle. I didn’t get who they were to each other because I’d never had a relationship like theirs. I had plenty of female friends, but Finn and Scarlet weren’t just friends, they were each other’s alibi. Like my parents had been.
Finn’s initial state of shock morphed into a sort of cautious emotional distancing from the situation. He rarely talked about the baby and he never asked questions. Then again, he also worked like crazy too. He spent long hours at the office or he traveled. When I halfheartedly joked that Chicago was turning into his second home, he just smiled and suggested that I come with him next time. We could meet at the Art Institute and go on an architecture tour. As tempting as it sounded, I couldn’t just leave. Not now.
I’d just given my two-week notice at Kostas Realty and I owed them my full time and attention, even if said job was traipsing to Starbucks for Talia’s daily caffeine fix. And I still had to decide what I was going to do afterward. Take over Marley’s position at the museum or work for Dante at his gallery. I pondered my two choices as though it was a matter of life or death. Something was holding me back and I couldn’t figure out what it was.
Marley wasn’t particularly sympathetic.
“I don’t get it. What’s the fuss? Either job is easy money to work somewhere you’d like and both would look great on a grad school application. That’s what you should do. Go get your master’s,” Marley suggested testily before motioning toward Matisse’s La Conversation. “Make this guy proud! The best way to show your appreciation for anything you love is to share it with others. Stop farting around with language courses you aren’t serious about, get your ass in gear, and figure out how you can make a difference.”
“I will, I will.” I chuckled as I put my arm around my friend. “I’m not sure why I’m stalling. I’ve developed a bad habit of waiting for other people to make decisions before I step up and make my own.”
“Who are you waiting on…Finn?” she asked as she laid her head on my shoulder.
“No, well…maybe. I don’t know. Everything feels unsettled in a way I don’t get.”
“Are you looking for a ring?”
“No! What I really want is a sense of certainty.”
“Join the club,” she snarked. “You can’t be sure of anything. Not really. You have to have faith. I’m not feeding you religion. It’s just life. You have to take chances and sometimes you’re prepared and other times, you close your eyes and send up a quick prayer you don’t bust up in a spectacular wreck. Trust yourself and above all, be happy, Josh.”
I hugged her tightly and smiled. “When do you leave?”
“Monday. I don’t want any teary good-byes. I want to look at art with you and then make a date to do it again next month. Deal?”
“Deal.”
She pulled away from me and pointed at the painting in front of us. “I like Matisse’s other La Conversation better. The one with the brilliant blue background and the artist and his wife engaged in an intense fight or debate or…something. They aren’t touching and you don’t know what they’re saying but you can feel the heat coming through all that blue paint. We’re al
l like that, aren’t we? We look at the surface or hear what we’re told but we’re constantly engaged in sub conversations. You tell me you like my earrings and I wonder why you didn’t compliment my hair cut. Maybe you didn’t notice or maybe you hate it. How will I know that you’re sincere?”
“I get it. And for the record, I love your earrings and your hair.”
“Good answer,” she said with a laugh. “Just remember…if you aren’t the artist, you aren’t allowed to touch the art. You have to use your other senses and figure it out on your own.”
I nodded in acknowledgment. She was right. My direction wasn’t clear but I wasn’t alone. I had people I loved and respected to lean on when times got tough. Assurance and clarity might have been nice, but they’d come eventually. In the meantime, I had to trust what I couldn’t touch and hope for the best.
* * *
Twilight had begun to descend when I finally said good-bye to Marley and hopped a westbound bus. I grabbed an empty seat in the back and fished my phone from my pocket. I typed a quick text to Grant just as a new call from Finn lit up my screen.
“Hi,” I answered.
“Hi. I’m home.”
God, I loved his voice. It was deep and sexy and after a week apart, it did things to me. I shifted in my seat and tried to clandestinely adjust my cock without looking like the perv on the bus.
“I’m somewhere on Market, making my way toward the Castro. I need to go home to—”
“Just come over. I have everything you need here.”
“You don’t have a change of clothes,” I smirked, glancing out the rain-streaked bus window.
“You won’t be needing clothes,” he replied in a husky tone. “Come, love. I missed you.”
My heart expanded in my chest making it difficult to breathe for a moment. “I’m on my way.”
Really, what more was there to say? I wasn’t sure I trusted myself or my direction where Finn was concerned. But this felt right. And for now, that was enough.