by Hayes, Lane
“Ryan!”
I hustled for the main door, bumping elbows with harried servers carrying heavy trays in my haste to escape. I pushed open the door and let the cool evening air wash over me like a rogue wave. When I was sure I could breathe normally, I pulled my phone from my pocket to call for a ride home.
“Ryan! Wait! Just…wait. Put your cell away and talk to me.”
“I don’t want to talk to you,” I retorted lamely as I scrolled my vehicular choices on the app. Fuck, I wished I’d insisted on driving.
“They didn’t mean any of that, baby.”
“Which part? The girlfriend, the job, or you doing the ‘gay thing’?” I pushed “Go” on my car service app then slipped my cell into my back pocket and yanked my coat on with more force than necessary.
Danny shook his head then raked his fingers through his hair. “They don’t know me now, Ry. They don’t know how I feel or what I want. They only know the kid I used to be. Get it?”
“No.”
“They want to understand me. I know they love me and they feel like it’s their parental duty to set me on the right path, but they don’t want to see that the direction has changed. I don’t love the same things I once did. And they can’t or won’t believe me when I say it’s over.”
“But why not? Everyone changes. Surely they know that.”
“Yeah but…I was in love. And it wasn’t an ordinary thing. It was all consuming and—”
“With your ex?” I choked.
“No, Ry. With the game.”
“Tennis?”
“Yeah, tennis. You’re looking at me like I’m crazy, but it’s true. I can’t explain it any other way. I loved it. Heart and soul. It was the first thing I thought about when I woke up in the morning, and it was all I dreamed about at night. I practiced until my hands were calloused and my feet were sore from running the court. It wasn’t just my dream though. My parents bought into the dream too. They would’ve done anything to make it possible for me. But something changed. Or maybe it was gradual. But one day I woke up thinking about something else besides my ground stroke and how to improve my backhand.”
“What did you think about?”
“Trix,” he quipped with a laugh that quickly sobered when he continued. “What I really wanted was a way out. I started a slow rebellion that probably freaked my folks out. But the ski incident was my real ‘fuck you.’ It was my spectacular country breakup song. My personal ‘I hate this relationship so much and I’ll do fucking anything to be free of the constant pressure and self-loathing and loneliness.’ I jumped off the side of a cliff on a pair of skis and—”
“What?” I prodded gently when his voice hitched.
Danny’s eyes burned feverishly as he punched the air in a helpless gesture of pain and frustration. When he continued, his voice was barely audible. “I didn’t care if I lived or died. That’s how bad I wanted out.”
“Danny.” I covered my mouth in horror and shook my head.
“It’s true, but I survived. And I met a sweet girl who was a great friend to me when I needed one, but she’s not my love and neither is tennis. I love Cass as a friend and I always will. And I’ve come to like and respect the game I wanted to give my life to, but I’ve moved on. I’m not moving to Colorado so just…come back inside and—”
“No. You have some things to work out with them. I can’t be in your way.” I stepped out of his reach when a Chevy Malibu matching the description on my phone stopped in front of the restaurant. “Maybe it’s a good thing it’s almost Christmas. The best gift you could give them is to let them know the real you because you’re amazing and—”
“Hey.” Danny pulled me into his arms and swayed me from side to side in that beautiful way he always did. “Why are you crying? I’m not going anywhere.”
“Go home tomorrow and just…call me on Christmas.”
I touched his cheek then hopped in the waiting car and closed the door before he could protest. Thankfully, the driver didn’t waste any time with niceties before he peeled away from the curb, leaving a stunned-looking Danny behind.
I watched him fade from view until the darkness swallowed him and the tears in my eyes marred my vision. I hated uncertainty. I hated confrontation. But more than anything, I hated the gnawing feeling in my gut that I was about to lose the best thing that had ever happened to me.
Happy fucking holidays.
* * *
Danny texted me when he was on his way to the airport the next morning. I read the message three times and tried to figure out the best response before finally settling on a thumbs-up emoji. Then I turned my phone off when I couldn’t trust myself to write anything that didn’t sound…pathetic. I missed him, and I hated leaving things so uncertain between us. Especially before a major holiday. But it had to be this way. Maybe we were a long shot, but he had to deal with his parents and their expectations first or there wouldn’t be a glimmer of a chance for us.
So I lost two days with Danny. It wasn’t the end of the world though truthfully, it felt like it. This was a crappy time of year to be out of sync with the cheer and good will surrounding me. Music and laughter filled the pine-scented air. Everyone was happy and lighthearted. It was up to me to brush off the specter of melancholy threatening to drag me under and make the most of the season.
I waved good-bye to the elderly couple I’d helped choose the perfect red for their Christmas dinner then checked my watch. Thirty minutes till closing. I could do this. I turned back to the bar and gave myself a much-needed pep talk. Tonight I’d have dinner at Wes and Nick’s with Geordie, Josh and Finn, and maybe Josh’s dad and his partner, Lars. I was grateful I’d found a family of friends in my workplace and that they included me in their circle. Especially on Christmas Eve.
This was what the holidays were about. Not gifts or wishes for impossible things. This was a time to embrace the people who meant the most to you and to reach out to the ones who couldn’t be with you but were there in spirit. Okay…that helped. I’d finish wiping down the bar then I’d call my parents to wish them a happy holiday and then—
“Are you daydreaming again, Ryan, darling?” Geordie teased, yanking the dish towel from my hands.
I started in surprise and gave him a wan smile before replying sarcastically, “Yep…sugarplums and candy canes and fairies. You know, the usual.”
“You miss him, don’t you?”
I crumbled slightly under Geordie’s intuitive gaze. There was something about his tone that soothed me and made me want to lean against him for comfort and support. And yet, he was the one who’d lost someone he’d never get back. I let that sobering thought resonate as I nodded my acquiescence.
“Yes, but it’s okay. I’ll see him in a couple of days. How are you doing?” I asked meaningfully.
I was afraid to bring up Mike, but it seemed unkind not to acknowledge him, knowing he was always on Geordie’s mind.
Geordie glanced at the twinkling lights on the nearby tree. “I’m okay. And you are too. Danny will be back and then—”
“And then he’ll leave for good,” I finished.
“You don’t know that. Either way, you haven’t lost. They say it’s better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all. Two years ago, I would have drop-kicked the asshole who tried to feed me that line after Mike died. But now…I know it’s true. Mike is gone, but not everyone who leaves is gone for good. There’s time to make things right. Have a little faith, Ryan.”
Geordie sailed away in a billowy cloud of black like a fallen angel or an alternative ghost from The Christmas Carol sent to smack me upside the head and remind me to keep perspective. I smiled at the thought just as Lauren sidled up next to me and flipped her scarf in my face.
“A few of us are going to The Tavern for a holiday cocktail. I talked Geordie into coming and I think Wes and Nick are—”
“What are we doing?” Nick asked, slinging his arm over Lauren’s shoulder.
“Having a glass o
f Christmas spirit,” she replied before gesturing at me. “And cheering up Mr. Mopey.”
“Thanks, Laur, but I don’t think so.”
“Are you sure? I’ll order you a peppermint martini. My treat.” She made a face when I shook my head then crushed me in an enthusiastic hug. “If you change your mind, you know where to find us. Merry Christmas, Ry.”
“Merry Christmas.”
I waved good-bye to her then turned to face Nick, who was still staring at me like a science experiment gone wrong. “What’s the matter?”
“Nothing. Why are you upset?”
I did a double take. Nick was a nice guy, but he rarely bothered asking after anyone’s mood. It wasn’t that he didn’t care. He just didn’t always know how to engage in potentially uncomfortable personal situations. He tended to leave that to Wes. The fact that he was trying at all meant something.
I smiled wanly and shrugged. “I’ll be fine. Thanks for asking, Nick.”
He squeezed my shoulder kindly and inclined his head. “Come on. You’ll feel better if you’re with us. I promise not to spill on you.”
“Ha. Don’t make promises you can’t keep.” I snorted, pushing his hand away. “Don’t worry. I’m okay but—I’m sorry.”
“For what?” Nick furrowed his brow in confusion. The exaggerated expression would have been comical on anyone else. On him, it was kinda hot. I forgot how damn good-looking the guy was sometimes.
“For being a jerk to you. I know my timing is weird, but I think about it sometimes and I’m embarrassed that I might have given you any reason to think Wes didn’t love you. I was selfish and stupid and…I apologize.”
Nick’s eyes widened with his generous smile. He punched my arm playfully and then pulled me into a bear-like embrace. “Thanks, Ry. Apology accepted. Now get your ass in gear. We’ve got some celebrating to do.”
I waved him off with a laugh. “I’ll meet you guys there.”
When I was finally alone, I headed toward the lounge to grab the gifts I’d left under the tree. I crouched low and made two piles of presents, checking the gift tags to be sure I was taking the right ones. I shoved one pile aside and stood just as the side door opened.
“I said I’d meet you th—”
“Need a hand?”
“What are you doing here? I—is that really you?”
Danny threw his head back and laughed. Fuck, he looked incredible. His navy coat made his eyes pop, and his hair was artfully disheveled as though he’d run his fingers through it over and over. But it was his smile that got me every time. It was warm and welcoming, and so damn beautiful.
He closed the distance between us and set his thumb under my chin. “Yeah, it’s really me. You didn’t really think I’d leave now, did you?”
“It’s Christmas Eve though,” I said, mortified when my voice cracked.
“Then I’m where I should be…with my favorite person on my favorite holiday. Besides, I made a wish a few weeks ago, and it didn’t stand a chance of coming true if I wasn’t here.” He kissed my lips softly then pulled a small white box tied with a red ribbon from his coat pocket. “Open this.”
I fingered the ribbon nervously before tugging the end and letting it fall to the rug. Then I opened the box, pulled back the neatly folded tissue paper, and found a single bell tied with a red ribbon and an envelope. I glanced up at Danny who smiled bashfully then set the box down and held up the bell.
“Is this your wish?”
“Yeah. I think you have to help some wishes along, so I’m going the proactive route. Open the envelope, Ry.”
“What is it?” I asked as I unfolded the paper and stared unseeing at an official-looking document.
“A job offer. From Wes. He agreed to work around the last few classes I have to take for my masters. But he’s going to start training me on the business end in January. It’s a great opportunity. I was going to tell my parents at dinner the other night but…it wasn’t the right way. I needed to go back, play one more game, and tell them how I felt. And try to explain what I really wanted.”
“What do you want?”
“You.” Danny tugged at one of my curls and bit his lip. “Only you. The job is nice, but I would have found a way to stay without it. You’re all I want, Ry. This sounds kind of corny but…you’re my wish.”
I swallowed hard. “Me?”
“Yeah, you.” His nostrils flared when he paused. I could practically see the storm of emotions in his eyes. His voice shook when he continued. “I used to wish I’d be the best athlete. I was willing to work my ass off and sacrifice everything to be number one. But the closer I got to my goal, the more miserable I was. It was what I wanted, not what I needed. Now I want balance. I want a job I like, friends I care about, and I want to share my life with the prickly guy who gets cranky about the state of my messy bedroom but is willing to jump off a roof with me at a moment’s notice. You give me roots and wings, baby. A place to be safe and to grow at the same time. I love you, Ryan, and I think you might feel the same way but—”
I crashed my mouth over his. I was overwhelmed in all the best ways. My head was in the clouds. My heart overflowed with love for this impossibly beautiful man. “Yes. I do. I feel the same,” I assured him with a ridiculously big smile.
“Then say it. Tell me you love me. Or…tell me you want hot cocoa for life and someone to watch Netflix and chill with or a weekend tennis partner. Whatever you want, I’m yours.”
I chuckled softly through the well of emotion that threatened to spill over. “I love you,” I said simply.
Danny grinned and pulled me into his arms. I held him close, breathing his scent. I wanted to savor the moment and keep this memory forever locked in my mind. The smell of pine and peppermint, the twinkling white lights of the giant Christmas tree, and the sound of my lover’s heartbeat. This was my wish. This man, this moment. This promise of a chance to create a bright and beautiful life with the man I loved.
Love was more than a wish. It was a promise to meet each other halfway to become something more than we were separately. Because sometimes magic happened when you leaned into a wish.
Epilogue
“Where there is great love, there are always wishes.”—Willa Cather
The snow-capped mountaintops were brilliant against the blue sky. I kept my gaze trained on the jagged one nearing us as the gondola approached the exit. We skimmed over a forest of evergreens on a tightrope. My heart was in my throat, and my hands were sweaty inside my gloves. I balanced my ski poles in my left hand to pull my right glove off. Danny captured my hand and kissed it.
“Don’t be scared. This is an easy trail, babe.”
“I’m not sure I can do this. I haven’t skied in five years,” I griped.
“Me either. We’re doing this together and we’re gonna be awesome,” he enthused as he adjusted his sunglasses.
“Hmm. I almost wish I had more clothes to break the impact when I eat it. Why was spring skiing a good idea again?”
“It’s less crowded and you said you liked the warmer temperature. Remember? Get ready to exit. Want me to take your poles?” he asked, waggling his eyebrows lasciviously.
I barked a quick laugh. “Keep your hands off my pole, pervert. I can do it.”
I infused my tone with a determination I didn’t quite feel then held my breath and skied off the chair, down the short incline to the top of the hill. A few snowboarders and skiers dotted the terrain, but it was relatively mellow, which my boyfriend assured me was normal on the mountain in Colorado in late April.
We’d come to visit his family during spring break, which coincided with a tournament at their club. Danny agreed to play…but only if I did. I laughed when he suggested it and I was sure his parents had too. But he was serious. He was happy to participate, but he played on his terms only. If they wondered what was going on with him or when this phase would pass, they kept it to themselves. In fact, they seemingly accepted that Danny had moved on. He had a great job at a
well-respected winery and he was a month away from graduating with his masters degree. And he had me. Thankfully, they were warming up to me.
Which was a good thing since Danny had moved into my place at the beginning of the year. We’d already decided to sell my condo and look for something bigger. We wanted a yard for a dog and enough room to someday start a family. Maybe they saw that we loved each other and were happily committed to our relationship. Or maybe they’d learned to let their old dreams go to make room for something new.
Danny stopped at the top of the slope and slipped his beanie from his head. He shoved it into his coat pocket then turned to me with a smile. “It’s hot up here. I’m overdressed.”
“Take your shirt off. I bet I could make it down the mountain if I had visual incentive,” I said.
“Baby, this is practically a bunny slope. You can do this.”
“Fine, but next vacation is my call. So don’t be surprised if you find yourself on a chaise lounge in Maui.”
Danny chuckled. “Anything you want, hotshot. You ready? Wait. Kiss me first.”
“Here? Now?” I looked side-to-side and gestured toward the ski lift in the distance.
“Yeah. Here, now, always, forever…birthdays, holidays or any—”
I leaned on my ski pole and motioned for him to close the distance before fusing my lips to his. “Or any day ending in y. I love you, Danny boy. And if you get me off this mountain in one piece, I’ll grant you any wish your heart…or dick desires.”
Danny threw his head back and laughed. “You’re on. Follow me. We’ll take it nice and easy. Trust me, Ry.”
I did. Wholeheartedly.
I’d always admired Danny’s sense of humor and his bright outlook on life. I liked that he was willing to take chances and that he challenged me to do the same. And as I slowly traversed the mountain, gaining momentum along the way, I was grateful I was finally learning to fly because life was infinitely sweeter when you took a chance and leaned into a wish.