* * *
She got up stiffly from the bed, all the past relived now, only the future stretching out in front of her, and she knew that whatever it held she could no longer remain married to Joshua. Tonight they had overstepped the polite limits they had set for themselves this last year, and there could only be one end to this now.
She was woken the next morning by a tray of tea being placed on her bedside table, and looked up to see, not the maid as she had expected, but Joshua. And he was already dressed and ready for his clinic.
‘You overslept,’ he told her abruptly. ‘It’s almost nine o’clock.’
She sat up against the pillows, idly opening the single letter for her that had been placed on the tray. ‘I thought we were going to talk today,’ she frowned.
He nodded. ‘It will have to wait until tonight now. I have my first appointment at nine.’
She chewed on her bottom lip. ‘Couldn’t it wait? Isn’t what we have to say more important than an appointment?’
Joshua pushed his dark hair from his brow impatiently. ‘You know it is.’
‘Perhaps it isn’t an appointment after all.’ Her tone was brittle. ‘Can’t your mistress do without you for a few hours, Joshua?’ she scorned.
Angry colour darkened his lean cheeks. ‘Do you think you have any right to behave like a jealous wife?’ he rasped.
She drew in an angry breath at the barb. ‘Do you think you have the right to flaunt your affair for the whole of London to see?’ she hissed.
‘The whole of London isn’t interested, Joanna,’ he derided coldly. ‘An affair is too commonplace nowadays. No, I’m sure our sleeping arrangements would be a much more interesting piece of gossip. How many marriages like ours do you think there are, Joanna?’ he taunted. ‘Not many, I’m sure.’
‘You would know more about that than I, Joshua,’ she snapped. ‘Your patients tell you all these little intimate details of their life.’
He gave her a look that told her of his disgust. ‘Not always,’ he said tightly. ‘And I don’t think I’ve ever come across a woman of twenty-three who doesn’t sleep with her husband.’
Joanna plucked nervously at the sheet. ‘That’s why I would like to talk to you. I—’
‘I really don’t have the time for this now, Joanna,’ he glanced impatiently at his wrist-watch. ‘We’ll talk tonight.’
‘When?’ she asked bitterly. ‘While Mrs Barnaby serves us dinner, or when you get back from the clinic at eleven o’clock at night again?’
His mouth tightened. ‘I’m not going back to the clinic tonight, and we aren’t at home to dinner. Have you forgotten we’re going to Patrick and Tina’s for dinner?’
She had forgotten, she had had too much on her mind to remember that Patrick and Tina Mayor were giving a dinner party tonight. Patrick was the man who had brought Lindy into the world, the man who had had the task of telling her how ill her daughter was. He and his wife Tina had become their very dear friends the last five years, and she and Tina were very close, the two of them being of a similar age; Tina was only twenty-eight.
Nevertheless, she didn’t really want to spend a social evening with Joshua tonight; she would rather stay at home and discuss the end of their marriage.
‘We have to go.’ Joshua seemed to see the refusal in her face. ‘I spoke to Patrick only yesterday and told him you were looking forward to seeing Tina again. He said you haven’t been over for several weeks,’ he frowned.
Joanna shrugged. ‘There hasn’t been the time.’ She moved her letter absently from hand to hand.
‘You should always make time for your friends, Joanna.’
She flushed at the rebuke in his tone. ‘The way you do?’ she snapped.
He gave an impatient sigh. ‘I have to go, Joanna. Don’t forget to have some breakfast before you go out.’
Her eyes flashed her anger. ‘Somewhere during this marriage, Joshua, I grew up,’ she bit out. ‘I wish you would realise that. Everyone else has!’
His eyes narrowed to grey slits. ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
She was breathing deeply in her agitation. ‘It means I’m a grown woman now, not a little girl out to impress.’
‘And who was easily impressed!’
Her mouth twisted. ‘You underestimate yourself, Joshua. Even my mother was attracted to your good looks when we were in Banff.’
‘That soon changed,’ he derided.
‘I think a son-in-law was the last thing she had in mind for you,’ Joanna mused, her tension easing a little.
‘I don’t think she’s too thrilled at the thought of you being an author either,’ he drawled.
‘One book doesn’t an author make,’ she quipped.
‘Your mother told me you’d been asked to write a series of them,’ he frowned.
She shook her head. ‘I’m not sure I can do that.’
‘Why not? You always seemed to have hundreds of “Biwwy stories” to tell Lindy—’ he broke off as he saw how pale she had gone at his imitation of the way their daughter had always asked for tales about the mischievous dog. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said abruptly, turning away. ‘I thought after all this time I could talk about—Never mind,’ he dismissed. ‘I’ll be home around seven as usual.’
Joanna wanted to call him back, wanted to tell him that to talk about Lindy was all right, that not to talk or think about her was what hurt the most. But he had already gone, only the masculine smell of his cologne remaining.
It was the first Joshua had spoken about Lindy for a very long time, in fact, it was only the last two days they had done more than exchange pleasantries since the night Lindy died.
The talk about their marriage might have been postponed until after the dinner party tonight, but she wouldn’t delay any longer than that; she couldn’t live like this any longer. The first ‘Billy Boxer’ book might only be a beginning, but it was her first step away from dependence on Joshua, and she intended taking the others that would make her a free woman. She had paid enough for her spoilt selfishness five years ago, forced to marry a man who didn’t love her, losing her beloved Lindy; her love for Joshua was dead too now.
The dinner party that evening was like hundreds of others she had attended since she had become Joshua’s wife, and she was far from the defiant child she had been the first time Joshua had introduced her to his friends, her awkwardness then about her obvious pregnancy making her uncomfortable with the people who had known Joshua for years. She had been so much younger than them then, in her manner as well as in years, was obviously an indiscretion on Joshua’s part that he felt he should atone for with marriage.
But gradually over the years she had been accepted into the close-knit group. Tina Mayor had made that easier for her as the two of them met to shop or to let Lindy play with Tina’s two small boys. Those meetings, as Joshua had pointed out last night, had been few and far between since Lindy’s death, the sight of Tina’s two little boys growing up healthy and strong reminding her all too forcibly of her own loss.
But the children were always in bed long before their parents dined, and so Joanna accompanied Joshua that evening with an easy heart.
Tina looked her usual beautiful self, a tall redhead with grace and style rather than actual beauty; she and Patrick shared a very close and loving marriage. Another reason Joanna felt uncomfortable with the other woman now—her own marriage bore no resemblance to her friend’s, the loving way that Tina spoke of Patrick making her more aware of the fact that Joshua, her own husband, was a stranger to her.
They should never have married, she knew that, and she felt sure Joshua did too. Thank God she had never had any more children after Lindy was born, as Joshua had wanted her to.
He had wanted them to be a normal family, had told her he would like other children, but she had recoiled from such an idea, nervous of having any more children when Lindy had been born with such a fatal defect. Patrick, and Joshua, had assured her that there was no possibility of Lindy’s il
lness being hereditary, that any other child she had would almost certainly be born healthy. Nevertheless, she had refused to even think about other chilren. Now she was glad that she had.
Joshua looked as dark and distinguished as ever, his black dinner suit emphasising the width of his shoulders, his tapered waist, powerful thighs and long legs. There was more grey at his temples than she could ever remember noticing before, adding to his distinction, although he always seemed unaware of the female attention his good looks attracted. And no wonder, when he had a mistress like Angela Hailey!
‘You look wonderful,’ Tina greeted her warmly, drawing her into the room and taking her over to join a group of laughing people, Joshua lingering behind to talk to Patrick. ‘Men!’ Tina grimaced. ‘No doubt they’re talking about work again.’
‘Probably,’ she nodded, wishing this evening were over so that she could work out the rest of her life.
‘You would think they’d talked enough earlier today,’ Tina mused.
Joanna was frowning now; she hadn’t even known Joshua had seen Patrick today. Joshua rarely discussed his day with her now, and he certainly hadn’t done so today, barely talking to her at all on the drive over here.
‘You’ll let me give you a party?’
She blinked at Tina, having no idea how youthful she looked in the chocolate brown knit dress, her high-heeled sandals giving her the look of a delicate child trying to look older than she was. ‘Sorry?’ she frowned.
‘I’d like to give you and Joshua a party.’
‘That’s nice,’ Joanna answered stiltedly, wondering if she had missed part of this conversation. Why on earth should Tina want to give Joshua and her a party?
‘When are you actually leaving?’
‘Er—’ She hadn’t missed part of the conversation, she really didn’t have any idea what Tina was talking about! She and Joshua had no intention of going anywhere. She knew she had a habit of drifting off when people spoke to her, but she could have sworn she hadn’t done so this time.
‘I don’t suppose you’ve worked out all the fine details yet,’ Tina nodded understandingly. ‘But it’s so exciting, isn’t it?’
‘Er—yes.’ Joanna began searching the crowded room for Joshua, feeling out of her depth with this conversation, sure that Joshua would be able to throw some light on at least part of what Tina was talking about.
‘Have you been to America before? Of course you have,’ Tina answered her own question. ‘I remember you told me you were in Florida for several weeks before you married Joshua. Patrick isn’t too keen on flying, so America is definitely out for us,’ her friend grimaced. ‘A whole year of touring the States!’ she added enviously. ‘And you’re sure to stay in all the best places. It’s going to be so exciting!’ she repeated eagerly.
It suddenly became clear to Joanna what her friend was talking about, although not why. Several months ago Joshua had received an offer from America to tour the medical schools lecturing to students. The two of them hadn’t even discussed it, Joshua merely putting the letter to one side. Surely he hadn’t decided they were to go without even discussing it with her? She couldn’t believe even Joshua would be that arrogant.
She caught sight of him across the room, talking with Simon Shield, the heart specialist, a man in his late fifties; the respect between the two men was mutual. Joshua was a complete stranger amongst these people to the man she had met in Canada five years ago, a man who would dare to assume anything, and as his wife she would be expected to simply agree with anything he chose to do.
Her mouth tightened angrily, her days of following where he led were over. She didn’t want to go to America for a year, she had no intention of going.
‘Excuse me,’ she interrupted Tina with cool politeness. ‘I just have to see Joshua for a few minutes before dinner.’
‘Of course,’ her friend agreed lightly. ‘I’ll talk to you later.’
Joanna made her way over to Joshua’s side, acknowledging her friends as she made slow progress through them, putting her arm through the crook of Joshua’s as she smiled up at the other man. ‘How lovely to see you again, Simon,’ she greeted smoothly. ‘I haven’t seen Daphne,’ she mentioned his wife, aware that Joshua had stiffened as soon as she touched him, her own smile more of a strain than usual.
‘She’s staying with her mother for a few days. I couldn’t get away,’ Simon shrugged. ‘Still, I don’t have to explain to you how busy we doctors are.’
‘You certainly don’t,’ she agreed softly.
‘But you won’t have that for much longer,’ Simon said cheerfully. ‘A whole year of freedom! You’ll be able to treat it as a second honeymoon,’ he added with a twinkle in his eyes. ‘Fascinating country, America.’
‘So I’ve heard,’ Joanna agreed tightly.
‘Well, I must go and circulate,’ Simon smiled at them both. ‘Daphne will want a full report at the weekend.’
‘Give her my love,’ Joanna said vaguely.
‘I will,’ he nodded, and moved away to talk to another of his colleagues.
The smile remained fixed on her red-painted lips, but her eyes were bleak. ‘When did you intend telling me?’ she bit out tautly.
Joshua shrugged, not making any pretence not to know what she was talking about. ‘We had agreed to talk later,’ he said distantly. ‘I would have told you then. I had no idea the news would circulate so quickly.’
‘Didn’t you?’ she said with bitter humour. ‘Joshua Radcliffe decides to take a year off to tour America and you don’t think people will be interested! You’re very naïve, Joshua.’
‘If you want an argument, Joanna, wait until we get home!’ he rasped harshly.
Her eyes widened. An argument? But they hadn’t argued, not really argued, for months and months. ‘I don’t want to argue with you, Joshua,’ she told him calmly. ‘There’s nothing to argue about. I have no intention of going to America with you for a year.’
His mouth tightened, his eyes glazing over icily. ‘As usual you’ve jumped to conclusions,’ he bit out coldly.
‘What do you mean?’ Joanna asked slowly.
He glanced about them impatiently. ‘I have no intention of discussing this with you here.’
‘But—’
‘Not now, Joanna!’
She instantly fell silent. Joshua never raised his voice to her—he never needed to, a look was usually sufficient. But he had shouted at her just now, evidence of his own agitation. Joshua was a very controlled man, always in command of himself and others, but he was definitely disconcerted at the moment.
The rest of the evening passed in an agony of waiting for Joanna, waiting to find out just what conclusion she had jumped to. Either Joshua had made arrangements for them to go to America or he hadn’t. And it seemed that he had.
‘Patrick is absolutely thrilled that Joshua has asked him to take over for him while you’re away,’ Tina confided after dinner. ‘And honoured too,’ she laughed. ‘Not many people could follow in Joshua’s footsteps.’
Joanna smiled. ‘I’m sure Patrick is going to be very successful.’
Her friend frowned. ‘You don’t seem too thrilled about America. I’d love it!’
‘Simon thinks Joshua and I are taking a second honeymoon,’ Joanna told her friend dryly, not actually making any comment about her feelings on going to the States.
‘Hardly, with the three of you going,’ Tina derided.
Three of them? Heavens, not Angela Hailey? Surely Joshua wasn’t expecting her to spend a year in America with him and his mistress? She had a feeling she knew only too well who would be the unwanted third person, and it wouldn’t be Angela. She definitely wasn’t going under those circumstances!
She and Joshua went straight to the lounge when they got home, Joshua tersely dismissing the housekeeper for the night when she came to check if they wanted anything.
He took off his evening jacket, loosening the black velvet bow tie he wore with the white silk shirt, moving to p
our himself a drink. ‘Would you like one?’ he enquired after his first swallow of whisky.
‘No, thank you.’ Joanna watched him coolly as he poured himself a refill before sitting in the chair opposite her.
He seemed in no hurry to begin talking, sitting back with his eyes closed, the lines of weariness about his nose and mouth more noticeable without the vitality of his eyes to alleviate his tiredness.
Suddenly the lashes flickered and he looked at her with cold grey eyes. ‘We can talk now,’ he stated flatly.
‘Thank you!’ Her sarcasm was barely contained. ‘But I believe you’re the one who has something to say.’
He sighed, the glass of whisky held loosely in his left hand, a plain gold wedding ring on the third finger of that hand. He looked down at the ring for several minutes, frowning darkly. ‘I hadn’t intended you to find out about the tour in the way you did,’ he spoke softly, putting the glass in his other hand, dropping the left one down so that he no longer looked at the ring he wore. ‘I was going to tell you about it now, explain to you—’
‘Tell me?’ she interrupted tautly. ‘It’s usual for a husband and wife to discuss things first, for them to decide together what their future should be!’
‘You’ve already told me what yours is going to be.’
She frowned warily. ‘I have?’
He nodded arrogantly. ‘You said you aren’t coming to the States with me.’
Joanna swallowed hard, unnerved by the calm way he seemed to be taking this, accepting it.
He stood up with forceful movements, as if the inactivity irked him. ‘But I never intended that you should come with me,’ he told her bluntly.
Her eyes widened, her hands clenching together in her lap. ‘You—you didn’t?’
‘No,’ he shook his head, not looking at her. ‘This last year, since Lindy died, our marriage has become nonexistent,’ he continued flatly. ‘I thought you needed time, to—adjust. And so I gave you time—and you just grew farther away from me than ever.’
The Failed Marriage (Presents Plus) Page 7