‘Very nice,’ she nodded, turning her face away as he would have kissed her.
Puzzlement flickered in stormy grey eyes. ‘Joanna?’
‘Not here in the street, Joshua.’ Her head was thrown back proudly.
‘Then let’s go into your flat.’ He grasped her arm.
‘Not tonight, Joshua,’ her voice was sharp in her tension, ‘I’m really not—not in the mood.’
‘I see.’ His hand dropped away from her arm. ‘Can I see you tomorrow?’
‘I—I’m not sure.’ She made a show of searching in her bag for her door key. ‘Mother said something about dinner…’ she told him vaguely.
‘Maybe I could come too?’
Stupid, stupid, stupid! Her parents were the last people she should have used as an excuse for not seeing him tomorrow; he knew exactly how welcome he always was with them. ‘I—er—I’m sure you can. Why don’t you ring me tomorrow and I can let you know the arrangements?’ she said brightly.
‘I’ll ring you in the afternoon,’ he nodded abruptly. ‘You’re sure you feel all right?’
‘I feel fine,’ she told him lightly. ‘I’ll see you tomorrow.’
‘Joanna!’ His sharp command forced her to stop, and she turned slowly to face him. ‘Don’t husbands get a goodnight kiss any more?’
She raised up on tiptoe and kissed him on the cheek, moving away as he would have turned his mouth to hers. ‘Thank you once again for tonight, Joshua,’ she said with cool politeness, leaving him without hindrance this time.
Once she was in bed she cried as she hadn’t cried for months, soaking poor Sammy’s fur as he tried to comfort her. During the early hours of the morning, as sleep still eluded her, she came to a decision. At the moment Joshua felt responsible for her, felt compelled to see her, to try and explain that she no longer had a part in his life, her own obvious change of heart about their marriage making this difficult for him. As from tomorrow he wouldn’t need to feel responsible for her any more, because she didn’t intend being here.
Dan’s flat was much more stark than her own, his tastes obviously more masculine and not exactly homely. But she appreciated him letting her use the flat while he and Carmella were in France for the weekend on a modelling assignment.
‘She’s weaning me away from London gradually,’ he explained ruefully when Joanna turned up on his doorstep with a case in one hand and Sammy in the other. ‘We go to Japan next week. I never thought I would end up trailing around the world after any woman,’ he added derisively.
He continued to talk, and Joanna knew it was for her sake, because he sensed her complete desolation. She had arrived fifteen minutes earlier, bursting into tears as she threw herself into his arms, although he didn’t probe her deep hurt as she seemed numb after her tears had ceased. And he still hadn’t probed, accepting that she had been hurt badly and needed a refuge.
‘He’s a cute little chap.’ He was tickling Sammy’s tummy. ‘Joshua gave him to you, you said?’
‘That’s right,’ she nodded. ‘He’s his replacement,’ she added with bitterness.
‘Jo—’
‘Forget I said that,’ she dismissed harshly. ‘You’re sure you don’t mind the two of us staying here for a few days?’ she determinedly talked about something else.
‘Be my guest,’ he shrugged. ‘But if you’re intending hiding out from Joshua here I don’t think you’ll be successful. We work together, this is one of the first places he’ll look. This is almost as bad as your own flat.’
‘Except that he still has a key to that,’ she reminded him. ‘Here I don’t have to answer the door or telephone if I don’t want to.’
‘He could break the door down,’ Dan warned.
‘He doesn’t want to see me that badly,’ Joanna said dryly. ‘As long as he thinks there’s no one here he’ll go away.’
‘Okay,’ Dan shrugged. ‘You know him better than I do. I’ll move in with Carmella until we go to France tomorrow. That way I won’t have to answer the door and let you down. I’m a terrible liar, Jo.’
Did Dan really think she knew Joshua better than he did? God, she didn’t know her husband at all!
When the knock sounded on Dan’s door later that night she knew it was Joshua, knew it even before he began to call Dan’s name. When he still received no answer he began to talk to her. ‘I know you’re in there, Joanna,’ he told her angrily. ‘Now open this door and talk to me! Damn it, don’t you owe me some sort of explanation? Joanna, open this door!’ His voice rose in volume, and a few seconds later a door could be heard opening, voices raised angrily as one of the other tenants demanded to know what was going on. Then a door slammed shut. ‘I’ll check around some more, Joanna,’ Joshua’s voice was softer this time, but no less threatening. ‘And if I can’t find you I’ll know for certain you’re here, and I’ll be back. I’ll be back, Joanna!’
She shivered with reaction once he had gone, hardly daring to move in case he hadn’t actually left but was still waiting outside. How long she sat there she didn’t know, but finally it was Sammy who woke her out of her daze, jumping on to her lap and purring loudly.
For the next two days no one came to the door, although she couldn’t relax, couldn’t sleep; there were dark circles beneath her eyes, her hair was dull and lifeless, all food tasting like cardboard to her.
This was so much worse than anything she had ever felt before, even worse than when Lindy died. Then she had simply withdrawn, become cold and aloof, now she was having to suffer the loss of Joshua all in one terrible nightmare, and the pain was almost more than she could bear.
She was in the kitchen making herself a cup of tea when on the third day she heard a key in the lock and the sound of voices. Dan was back!
She rushed out of the kitchen, very pale and drawn in a navy blue jumper and tight denims, her hair secured at her nape with a blue ribbon. Her hand shook badly as she saw Joshua entering the flat with Dan, and the latter hurried to take the cup out of her hand before she spilt the scalding liquid over herself.
‘Jo—’
‘Could you leave us alone, please, Dan?’ Joshua rasped, his gaze fixed on Joanna. ‘Joanna and I have some talking to do—in private.’
‘No!’ She clutched on to Dan’s arm. ‘Don’t leave me,’ she pleaded with him. ‘Please, don’t leave me!’
Icy grey eyes narrowed on her; Joshua was pale and haggard himself. ‘You really want a witness to our conversation?’ he bit out tautly.
Joanna swallowed hard. ‘I don’t want there to be a conversation. I already know what you’re going to say, and you can have your divorce. I won’t fight it or make a scene.’
‘Divorce?’ He seemed to pale even more. ‘I don’t want a divorce!’
‘Of course you do,’ she scorned.
‘No—’
‘I’ll be in the bedroom,’ Dan cut in hastily. ‘This conversation really is too private. I’ll be here if you need me, Jo,’ he squeezed her hand reassuringly, glancing over at the rigid-jawed Joshua, ‘but I don’t think you will.’
‘Dan—’
‘Let him go,’ Joshua rasped as she would have stopped the other man, the bedroom door closing softly a few seconds later. ‘Now why should you think I want a divorce?’ he demanded to know.
‘Isn’t it obvious?’
‘Not to me!’
‘I don’t need your pity—’
‘Pity?’ he echoed forcefully, striding over to grasp her shoulders and shake her roughly. ‘When have I ever shown you pity?’
‘Taking me out, giving me the kitten. It would have been kinder just to come straight out and tell me you want a divorce.’ She pulled away from him, clasping her hands together to stop them shaking. ‘You didn’t have to go through this charade of taking me out first. I’m no longer a child—’
‘I do not want a divorce!’
She turned to look at him, frowning her bewilderment. He sounded so sincere, almost angry at the suggestion, and yet he must want a divor
ce, why else would he say living at her flat with her wouldn’t have worked out?
‘Joanna?’ he frowned at her silence.
‘I can take it, Joshua,’ she told him shakily. ‘As I said, I’m no longer a child.’
‘You’re acting like one!’
She flushed. ‘On the contrary, I’m being very adult. I’m jiving you what you want without any fuss.’
‘What I want?’ he echoed in a deceptively soft voice. ‘What I want?’ he thundered this time. ‘What I want is you back, as my wife, in my home, in my bed. That’s what I want!’
‘But—I—’
‘It obviously isn’t going to work out that way,’ he rasped coldly. ‘I should have realised the night I got back and found you surrounded by all your friends. You don’t need me, you don’t need anyone. But I tried—I tried to give you what I thought you needed,’ he said bleakly.
‘Wh-what did I need, Joshua?’ she questioned, still not too sure why he should say he wanted her back now. If it were still only pity—then she didn’t want to know!
‘When we met, when I got you pregnant, you were barely more than a child yourself. I’d deprived you of all the friendships and boy-friends you should have had during those early years—’
‘No—’
‘Oh yes,’ he insisted grimly. ‘And you were obviously enjoying your freedom when I got back, showed no sign of wanting to move back to the house with me.’ He drew in a ragged breath. ‘At first I thought of staying on at the flat, of making you want me, of seducing you back into the marriage that way. But after only one night I realised I couldn’t do that to you again. I decided to—to move out and court you.’
Joanna’s eyes widened. ‘Court me?’
‘Yes,’ he hissed. ‘You’re my wife, but you never had a courtship from me, not from anyone really. Maybe that’s why you’ve had no idea what the last few days have been about, the dinners together, the kisses goodnight but no further—and God knows I wanted to go further!’ he rasped grimly. ‘The kitten was a gift to you from me—Jonathan had nothing to do with it. Billy had meant so much to you, I wanted to be the one to help ease the loss you still seemed to feel for him, a certain sadness that comes through in your books. But another dog was out of the question, you said yourself that Billy couldn’t be replaced that way. So I bought you the kitten and kept him at Patrick’s that morning before I brought him over to you; Jonathan would have kept him if I’d let him.’
‘But you told me—’
He sighed. ‘I wasn’t sure you would accept such a gift from me. But I thought if you came to love Sammy perhaps you would come to love me too.’ He grimaced. ‘Instead of which you’ve now asked me for a divorce.’
She shook her head dazedly. ‘No—’
‘I won’t stand in your way, Joanna.’ He grasped her arms, his gaze intent on her pale face. ‘That was the deal we made when we agreed to separate for a year. I’ll give you your freedom.’
‘But—’
‘Just let me hold you, kiss you once more!’ he groaned, his mouth moving druggingly over hers, holding her against him as if he would never let her go. ‘I love you, Joanna,’ he told her gruffly when he at last raised his head. ‘I’ll always love you.’
Before she could answer him, before she could tell him she loved him in return, he had released her and strode out of the flat.
CHAPTER TEN
‘WELL, you aren’t just going to stand there, are you?’ drawled a taunting voice. ‘I hope you’re going after him.’
Joanna turned to find Dan had left his bedroom and was now looking at her challengingly. ‘You heard?’
‘Most of it,’ he nodded, coming further into the room. ‘The walls on this flat aren’t very thick. Knowing you were pregnant when you got married answers a lot of things that have been puzzling me.’
‘Namely why Joshua married me in the first place,’ she said dryly.
‘No, I already knew that he loved you,’ Dan chided. ‘Do you have any idea how we came to arrive here together today?’
She was so dazed by having Joshua tell her he loved her that how he came to be here didn’t seem important. He loved her—she could hardly believe that. Love had never been mentioned in their relationship in the past, not even at the height of their physical pleasure in each other. Could it be that they had both been frightened to say the actual words?
‘Because I’m going to tell you,’ Dan said firmly. ‘He came to France. Yes,’ he nodded at the surprised widening of her eyes, ‘he found the agency Carmella works for, found out where we were, and came out there. You wouldn’t even acknowledge that you were here, let alone see him; the man had no choice. I told him it would have been easier to break the door down,’ he mocked his own fear of three days ago. ‘But he said he didn’t want to frighten you, that you had already suffered enough in your marriage. He loves you so much, Jo. He was out of his mind with worry until I told him you were definitely here. Now if you don’t go after him you aren’t the woman I thought you were.’
She swallowed hard, bewildered as to the lengths Joshua had gone just to speak to her. He must love her, there could be no other explanation. ‘Where do you think he’s gone, Dan?’ She was pulling on her coat with hurried movements.
He shrugged. ‘Where did he go in the past when he had to get away from you?’
‘His mistress,’ she said tightly.
Dan sighed. ‘He won’t have gone to see her this time,’ he chided.
‘The clinic, then,’ she frowned. ‘Do you really think I drove him away from me in the past, Dan?’
‘Only you can answer that, love.’
And she knew the answer only too well. She had forced Joshua into taking a mistress, had given him no other choice. Had he loved her even then, as Dan said he did? She had to know, had to tell him that she had loved him from the first.
The woman behind the reception desk at Joshua’s private practice was new to her, a replacement Patrick had found for Angela a year ago. She raised blonde brows in astonishment when Joanna introduced herself.
‘Is my husband here?’ she wanted to know.
‘Well, yes. But—’
‘In his surgery?’
‘Yes, but—’
‘Then perhaps you could see that we aren’t disturbed?’ she requested politely.
‘But, Mrs Radcliffe—’
‘Yes?’ She paused at the door.
‘Mr Radcliffe said he was unavailable to everyone.’
‘That doesn’t include me,’ she told the woman haughtily, knowing that she hardly looked the part of Joshua’s wife in her navy blue jumper and the tight denims, her hair still secured by the ribbon at her nape. ‘Don’t worry,’ she smiled. ‘He’ll want to see me.’ She spoke with much more confidence than she felt, although it seemed to have convinced the receptionist, for the other woman subsided into her chair with a rueful shrug.
Joanna knew elation that Joshua was at least here, but nervousness for the next few minutes. They would be the deciding point for the rest of her life.
Joshua lay back in the chair behind his desk, his eyes closed, his face pale. His lids flickered open as he heard her softly close the door, seeming to swallow convulsively as he stiffened.
She moved to stand in front of the desk. ‘I don’t want a divorce, Joshua,’ she spoke slowly, clearly. ‘I didn’t want to be parted from you for the last year either. That last night we were together, I tried to tell you I loved you—I hadn’t even realised I still did until then. But I—’
‘Still?’ he repeated that word almost dazedly.
‘I loved you in Canada, Joshua,’ she explained gently.
‘I loved you all the time we were married, but when Lindy died—’
‘You blamed me,’ he said heavily, deep lines of harshness grooved into his face.
‘No!’ she frowned. ‘Of course not. Why should you think that?’
‘I was a doctor—’
‘But you couldn’t perform miracles, Joshua. If an
yone was to blame it was me.’
‘You?’ he gasped. ‘No one could have loved her more than you did!’
‘But I wanted to kill her before she was even born, remember,’ she said bitterly.
His expression softened. ‘Not really. You were just a frightened child. It didn’t take much to persuade you that it wasn’t the answer.’ He stood up to come to her, stopping several inches away from actual contact. ‘Have you been blaming yourself all this time?’
‘Have you?’
‘God!’ he breathed raggedly.
‘At first, after she died,’ she had to talk now, to tell him everything, she might never have the courage to do so again!—‘I couldn’t bear you to make love to me because I thought that every time you touched me you would blame me for Lindy’s death. Then after a while it became simpler, easier, to just believe I hated you, you and the marriage I was trapped in.’
‘You did hate me,’ he said heavily. ‘How could you not when I tried to make love to you the day after Lindy died?’
‘I understand that now, Joshua.’ She met his gaze steadily. ‘I would have understood it then if I hadn’t been so concerned with my own guilt and grief.’ She sighed deeply. ‘The only time we were ever close, ever really communicated, was when we made love. That was it, wasn’t it, Joshua, you wanted to be close to me in the only way you knew how?’ She had realised a lot of things on the drive over here, and Joshua’s need to make love to her that night was one of them.
‘Yes,’ he acknowledged tautly. ‘But I could see you hated me after that, and rather than face the problem and risk losing you, I started staying out of the house. It didn’t seem to bother you when I went to work in the evenings, you just carried on with your life as if I didn’t exist.’
‘I forced you to turn to Angela, I know that—’
‘But I didn’t,’ he shook his head. ‘I haven’t touched another woman since we were in Canada together.’
‘But you said—’
‘I told you I’d slept with Angela for six months, and I had, two years before I ever met you.’
Joanna gasped. ‘Then this time in America—’
The Failed Marriage (Presents Plus) Page 16