be expected, he dropped the plaque,made a grab for it and down he went."
"Don't you think it significant, Titus, that Old John had been theuniversity handyman for eighteen years, had climbed up and down ladders,over roofs, and had never fallen or had a serious accident until Wimscame upon the scene? And this is just about the case with everyonehere?"
"Yes, I think it is very significant."
"Then how can anyone but Wims be blamed?"
"But _Wims_ never has the accidents. _He_ never gets hurt; not so muchas a scratch!"
"The devil never gets burned."
"My dear Berry, let the scientist in you consider the fact that neveryet has Wims so much as laid a finger on any of our people. And Wimsnever knocks over equipment, or lets things explode, or sets fire toanything. I find it very odd that it is only my staff that does thesethings and yet to a man they invariably fix the blame on aneighteen-year-old lad who seems to want nothing more out of life than tobe liked. Don't you find it odd?"
"The only thing I find odd is your keeping him in the face of theunanimous staff request to get rid of him."
"And have you ever thought of what my reason might be?"
Dr. Berry looked hard at Dr. Titus and said with unmistakable emphasis,"Some of your people think they know."
It took Titus a moment to fully understand, then he said severely:"Let's discuss this sensibly."
"There's no point in further discussion. There's only one thing more Ihave to say. I'm not going to endanger my life any longer. Either Wimsgoes or you can have my resignation."
"Are you serious?"
"Certainly."
"Well then, it was pleasant having a good friend as an associate. I'mcertain you will easily find something more satisfactory. Of course youcan depend on me for a glowing letter of reference."
Berry sat openmouthed. "You mean to say you'd keep a mere porter inpreference to me?"
Titus regarded his steepled fingers. "In this case I'm afraid so."
* * * * *
The telephone in the outer office rang several times before Titusremembered he was without his secretary. He pressed a stud and took thecall on his line. He identified himself and after listening a long whilewithout comment, he spoke. "That's very good, general, two weeks will befine. You understand he must be commissioned as soon as possible,perhaps at the end of basic training.... Of course I know it's unheardof but it's got to be done. I realize you are not too happy about beingbrought into this but someone on the General Staff is needed to pull thenecessary strings and the President assured me that we could depend onyour complete co-operation." Titus listened and when he spoke again atrace of anger edged his voice. "I don't know why you are so hostile tothis project, general. If it succeeds, the benefit to the free worldwill be immense. If not, all we stand to lose is one man, no equipmentto speak of; not even 'face' since it need not ever be made known. A farcry, I must say, from the military, whose expensive Roman candles, whenthey do manage to get off the ground, keep falling out of the sky anddenting Florida and New Mexico with depressing regularity. Good-by!"
Titus hung up and turned to Berry. "Now, my dear Berry, if you'llwithdraw your resignation we can go and have dinner and plot how we canmilk more funds from the university to refurbish the lab and keepourselves from getting fired in the process."
"My mind is made up, Titus, and all your cajoling will not get me tochange it."
"But Wims is going," Titus said, nodding toward the phone. "In two weekshe will be in the Army."
Berry's face went white. "Heaven preserve us," he gasped.
"Really, my dear Berry, for a jolly, fat man you can be positively bleakat times."
"Let's get the finest dinner we can buy," Berry said. "It may be one ofour last."
* * * * *
Private Dolliver Wims liked the Army but was unhappy because the Armydid not like him. After only two weeks of basic training his companyshunned him, his noncoms hated him and his officers, in order to reducethe wear and tear on their sanity often pretended he did not exist. Fromtime to time they faced reality long enough to attempt to have himtransferred but regimental headquarters, suspicious of anything thatemanated from the "Jonah" company, ignored their pleas. Now in his thirdweek of basic, Wims sat on the front bench in the barrack classroom, anisland unto himself. His company, now twenty-two per cent belowstrength, and the survivors of his platoon, some newly returned from thehospital, were seating themselves so distant from him that the sergeantswere threatening to report the company AWOL if they didn't move closerto the lieutenant-instructor.
The lieutenant watched the sullen company reluctantly coagulating beforehim and inquired facetiously of the platoon sergeant, "Prisoners ofwar?"
"No such luck," the sergeant replied grimly.
"Be seated, men," the lieutenant addressed the company. Misinterpretingthe resentment of the recruits, he decided a bit of a pep talk was inorder. "I know a lot of you are wondering why you're in the Army in thefirst place, and secondly, why you should be afflicted with theinfantry. As civilians you've probably heard so much about the modernpentomic army with its electronic and atomic weapons and all the yakabout pushbutton warfare, you figure the infantry is something thatshould be in the history books with the cavalry. O.K., so let's look atthe facts. In the forty-five years since World War II, there've beenalmost as many localized, 'brush fire' wars as the one now going on inBurma. Sure, there's still a limited use of tactical atomic weapons, butit's still the infantry that has to go in and do the winning. So farnobody wants to try for a knockout and go _whoosh_ with the ICBM. So nomatter how many wheels or rotors they hang on it, it is still theinfantry, still the Queen of Battles and you should be proud to be apart of it."
With the exception of one recruit sitting alone on the front bench andleaning forward with eager interest, the lieutenant observed that hiscaptive audience was utterly unimpressed with his stirring little"thought for today." He knew he could find more _esprit de corps_ in achain gang. He shrugged and launched his scheduled lecture.
"Because of the pentomic army's small, mobile and self-sufficient battlegroups and the very fluid nature of modern warfare the frequency ofunits being surrounded, cut off and subsequently captured is very high.As early as thirty years ago, in the Laotian War, the number ofprisoners taken by all sides was becoming increasingly unmanageable andso the present system of prisoner exchange was evolved. At the end ofevery month an exchange is made; enlisted men, man for man; officers,rank for rank. This is an advantage for our side since, generally,except for the topmost ranks, no man is in enemy hands over thirty days.This makes any attempts to brainwash the enlisted men impracticable anda great deal of pressure is thereby removed.
"So, if you're taken prisoner, you have really nothing to worry about.Just keep your mouth shut and sit it out till the end of the month. Theonly information you're required to give is your name, rank and serialnumber. There are no exceptions. Don't try to outsmart your interrogatorby giving false information. They'll peg you right away and easily trickyou into saying more than you intend. Now you'll see a film which willshow you the right and wrong way to handle yourself during aninterrogation and a lot of the gimmicks they're liable to throw at youin order to trick you into shooting off your mouth." The isolated andunnaturally attentive Wims again caught the lieutenant's eye. "Youthere!" he said, pointing to Wims, "come help me set up this screen."
Wims rose to his feet and one of the platoon sergeants leaped forward."I'll help you, sir. Wims, sit down."
"I asked this man to help me, sergeant."
"But sir--"
Another platoon sergeant and a corporal were already on the platform.They had seized the stand and were unfolding it. The lieutenant spunaround. "What are you _doing_?"
"We're helping, sir," the sergeant said.
"Well, cut it out. You noncoms are too officious and it's unnatural. Itmakes me nervous."
Wims was now on the platform and had
taken hold of the screen cylinder.One of the corporals was tugging at the other end, trying to get it awayfrom him.
"Let go of that screen," the lieutenant roared at the corporal. Wims,misunderstanding, released the cylinder a fraction of a second beforethe corporal did and the corporal went tumbling backwards, knocking thelieutenant off the platform and demolishing the loud-speaker.
The top sergeant raced outside and found one of the company lieutenants."Sir, you'd better move the company out of the building right away!"
"Why?"
"It's Wims. He's being helpful again."
The lieutenant paled and dashed inside. He took no time to determine thespecific nature of the commotion which was shaking the building. Hemanaged to evacuate the company in time to prevent serious casualtieswhen the structure collapsed.
* * * * *
Captain Aronsen, the company commander, faced two of his lieutenants."You're not telling me anything new," he said wearily. "I know all aboutWims. I've tried everything to get him discharged, honorably andotherwise. I've spent a lot of time setting things up so he could hardlyhelp but foul up and we could bounce him, but what happens? Everybodyelse fouls up and he stays clean. And as if that isn't enough to worryabout, headquarters has notified me that General Harmon B. Fyfe of theGeneral Staff will come down from Washington tomorrow for a tour ofthis post. He'll visit the bivouac area and observe the tacticalexercises. As you know, gentlemen, tomorrow is the final day of thetwo-week bivouac for this company which completes their sixteen-weekbasic training program. We'll have the usual company combat exercisewhich will involve the attack, capture and defense against counterattackof Hill Ninety-three."
"The same as always," said one of the lieutenants.
"It won't be the same as always!" the captain said, banging his fist onhis desk. "The area of action, the battle plan may be the same but thistime we've got General Fyfe as an observer and Dolliver Wims as aparticipant and, if I can manage to squeeze the day successfully pastthat Scylla and Charybdis, I'll promise not to devour any more secondlieutenants between meals."
"Sir," offered one of the lieutenants, "why don't we put Wims in thehospital just for tomorrow. It would be simple to arrange--say, an upsetstomach."
The captain looked sadly at his junior officer. "It's the only hospitalwe have," he said. "Besides, I have a better idea. I'm detaching Wimsfrom his platoon and will keep him with me at the company command postas a messenger and I'll shoot the first man who attempts to use him as amessenger or anything else."
"Hah! No need to worry about that, sir. Wims may have us a little shookup but he hasn't flipped us yet."
"I hope we can all say that when tomorrow ends," the captain saidfervently.
* * * * *
The company command post had been set up under a cluster of dispiritedpines obviously suffering from tired sap but in spite of the raggedshade they provided against the mild, mid-morning sun, Captain Aronsenwas perspiring excessively and becoming increasingly unsettled. Heglanced uneasily over at the somewhat planetary bulk of General Fyfesurrounded by his satellite colonels and other aides, and muttered tohis lieutenant, "If Old Brassbottom came down here to observe theexercise, then why the devil doesn't he go over to the hill and observeinstead of hanging around here like a sword of Demosthenes?"
"I think you mean Damocles, captain," the lieutenant corrected."Demosthenes was the orator."
Aronsen looked sourly at the lieutenant. "I know what I'm talking about.Fyfe has only to say the word and off come our heads."
The lieutenant lowered his voice. "I don't like the way he keeps lookingat Wims. Do you think he's heard about him?"
"In Washington?"
"You know how rumors travel in the Army."
"Rumors, yes," the captain said, "but the truth can't even limp out ofthe orderly room." He wiped his brow and shot a venomous glance at Wims.He said to the lieutenant, "I don't like Wims sitting there in fullview of the general. Go tell him to take his comic book and sit on theother side of the tree."
At that moment one of the young trainees stumbled into the headquartersarea bleeding profusely from a deep gash on his cheek. Betweenlung-tearing gasps he told how the machine gun, intended to serve as thebase of fire for the attacking platoons, had been captured by a Redpatrol before it could be set up. They were being led off under thesupervision of a referee when he tumbled into a ravine and in theconfusion made good his escape.
"Get the jeep and rush this man to the hospital," the captain instructedthe lieutenant.
"What about the attack?" the lieutenant inquired. "Someone will have toget word to the forward platoons to hold up until we can move up a newgun."
"I'll send a messenger."
"But they're all out."
"One of them is bound to return soon. If not, I'll--"
"What is the matter with that man sulking behind that tree?" boomedGeneral Fyfe who had been listening since the trainee had blurted hisstory.
The lieutenant snatched the bleeding recruit's arm and bolted for thejeep.
"Hey, lieutenant, take it easy," the trainee complained, "you're pullingmy arm off!"
Ignoring him, the lieutenant was absorbed in desperate calculation. "Thebase hospital is about twelve miles from here," he muttered as they ran."We should be safe enough there."
"But, general," the captain was protesting, "that man is the companysnafu. He means well but he was designed by nature to foul things up."
"I won't buy that, captain," the general said forcefully. "If a man hasthe right attitude and still doesn't measure up then it's the fault ofthe people who are training him." There was a mark of menace in thegeneral's voice as he said, "Do you read me?"
"Like the handwriting on the wall," the captain said resignedly. Heglanced at the tree behind which, he knew, doom sat reading a comicbook.
"Give the man a chance to redeem himself and I'm certain he'll comethrough with flying colors. I'll give you the opportunity to prove it toyourself." The general turned and bellowed at the tree, "Soldier! You!Private Wims! Come over here!"
* * * * *
Wims scurried over to the general and snapped a salute. The generalflicked his hand in return. "Wims, your commanding officer has animportant mission for you."
Wims turned to his captain, his face alight. He braced and salutedsmartly.
"Wims," the captain said, "I want you to take a message to thelieutenant in command of the first, third and fourth platoons now in thejump-off area. Do you understand so far?" Wims nodded. "Tell thelieutenant there's been a delay in the attack plan. He's not to move outuntil he sees a white signal flare fired from the spur of woods on hisleft. Have you got that?"
Wims nodded emphatically, "Yes, suh!"
"Repeat the message."
"Ah'm to tell the lieutenant there's been a change in plans an' he's notsupposed to move until a white flare is shot outta the woods on his leftflank."
The captain exploded. "Delay, not change! And I didn't say anythingabout a left flank! The woods on his left flank and the spur of woods onhis left that stick out a hundred yards beyond his present position aretwo different things! So help me, Wims, if you get this message fouledup, I'll use you as a dummy for bayonet practice."
Wims squirmed unhappily. "Couldn't you write it down, suh?"
"Why? So you can get captured and--"
The general interposed. "Even if the message is a bit garbled the intentshould be obvious to the lieutenant if he has any intelligence."
The captain regarded the general balefully and then snapped at Wims,"What are you waiting for? Move out! ON THE DOUBLE!"
Wims trotted away and as soon as he was out of sight the general saidabruptly to Aronsen, "I'm going over to the Red lines and watch yourBlue attack from there."
_Sure_, the captain snarled inwardly, _now that he's set the fuse he'srunning for the hills_.
The general climbed into his command car and
waited while one of hismajors dashed into the woods along the path that led to the attackgroup's staging area. Less than a minute later he returned, followed bya colonel. They jumped into the command car which roared offimmediately. As the captain was trying to puzzle out the incident'smeaning, three of his runners came out of the woods along the same path.
"Where have you goldbricks been? You should've been back long ago!"
"Sir," one of them spoke up, "there was a colonel a little way backthere wouldn't let us pass. Said the gen'ral was havin' a secretconf'rence and for us to wait."
The captain tucked away the strange information for later consideration.Right now there was no time to be lost. "You! Get over to the attackgroup and tell the lieutenant in command to hold up until a white flareis fired from the spur of woods on his left. All other orders remain thesame. If Wims has already been there, the lieutenant is to disregard anymessage Wims might have given him. If you
I Was a Teen-Age Secret Weapon Page 2