by TJ Klune
It was worse.
It was Jeremy and Robert Olsen.
Robert had his cane in his hand and looked dapper as always. He wore a thin sleeveless button-down over blue slacks and wing-tipped brown loafers.
Jeremy was wearing a loose tank top (how many did he own!) over basketball shorts. His sunglasses sat atop his messy hair.
They waved at us.
I turned back around quickly and sunk down on my side of the booth. “Hide!” I whispered fiercely. “We have to hide!”
Sally looked confused. “Oh, I’m sorry. Is there a problem?” She frowned as she glanced toward the entrance. “Are those gentlemen going to cause trouble? I can take ’em. I’ve thrown out men much bigger than them before.”
Charlie recovered first. “No, no. It’s… fine. Just unexpected. One of those gentlemen is um… my gentleman.”
And even though I was about to have a heart attack, I couldn’t help but coo in unison with Sally.
“You cradle robber,” Sally said, punching him lightly in the shoulder.
Charlie rolled his eyes. “The older one.”
She laughed. “I know. I just like giving you shit. So this is why we haven’t seen you in a while, is it? Well, then. I’ll get them over here in a jiffy.”
She left before I could stop her.
“Not a word,” Charlie warned me. “I mean it. I don’t need to hear—what are you doing?”
Well, if I was being honest, I was trying to slide underneath the table with the salt and pepper shakers. The plan—if it could even be called a plan—was for me to hide under the table and then pour salt and pepper on the seat and floor around the booth so that I could do… something. I hadn’t quite gotten as far in my escape plan as I liked.
“Would you get up,” Charlie growled at me, reaching over and stealing my salt and pepper. “They’re on their way over. At least try to act like a human being.”
“You planned this,” I growled at him. “Oh, just you wait until you see what I’m going to do to you. I have no idea what my lineage is, but I am going to pretend it’s steeped in voodoo, and you are going to pay.”
“That’s weirdly sad,” Charlie said. “I almost felt something other than regret about this entire day. Would you just—hello, Robert. Jeremy.”
I turned slowly.
There, standing next to the table, were the Olsens.
“Charles,” Robert said, eyes twinkling. “What a wonderful surprise! I didn’t expect to run into you here.”
Charles, I mouthed, as if I hadn’t ever heard such a thing before.
“You didn’t, huh?” Charlie said, sounding gruff, but dear god, he was also amused. I wanted to squish his face. “Why don’t I believe that?”
“Now that I think about it, Dad, you were oddly specific about wanting to come here after the farmers’ market,” Jeremy said. He grinned down at me.
I squeaked, but thankfully it was lost in the din around us.
“Oh, pishposh,” Robert said. “I’ve always heard about this place and wanted to try it. Why, I barely even remember the telephone conversation from only hours ago with Charlie when he said he was going to invite Corey here for lunch. You know how it is. The older you get, the more your mind slips.”
I thought about going for my phone and sending out a mass text of CODE ORANGE BANANA!!!!!!! but I couldn’t figure out a way to do it without looking like I was panicking.
Jeremy bumped his shoulder against his father’s. “Right. Your recall is better than mine, so I’m not going to believe that.”
“That would be your choice, Jeremy,” Robert said, sounding gleeful. “Scoot over, Charlie. My dogs are barking, and I need to give them a rest.”
“Maybe we should ask them first instead of just inviting ourselves to their—”
“We don’t mind,” Charlie said quickly, shoving over closer to the wall to make room for Robert. “Do we, Corey?” His tone made it abundantly clear that no, we absolutely did not mind.
“Uhh,” I said.
Robert sat down with a huff, setting his cane against the side of the booth. He patted the top of Charlie’s hand, and then, as if his sole purpose was to cause the death of me, he leaned over and kissed Charlie’s cheek.
All the blood that had previously left Charlie’s face came rushing back, and Charlie was now blushing.
This was at once the greatest and most terrible thing that had ever happened to me. It was a conundrum I was not prepared to navigate.
“You okay with this?” Jeremy asked me quietly. He leaned over, the collar of his tank top hanging loosely around his neck. I had to tear my gaze away because chest hair and nipples. “He can be a little pushy.”
“Uhh,” I said again.
“Move over, kiddo,” Charlie said. “Don’t be rude. And of course we’re okay with you being here. The more the merrier.”
“That’s much better,” Robert said. “After all, this wasn’t planned in the slightest.”
I didn’t know how to relay in code to Charlie that his super-cute boyfriend was quite possibly evil without giving anything away.
I did the only thing I could.
(Seeing as how the salt and pepper shakers were out of reach.)
I moved over.
So much so that I was practically plastered against the wall.
And it was only then I realized I was trapped.
Jeremy sighed and sat down next to me, and for a brief moment, our calves bumped together, his leg hair brushing against my smooth skin. I coughed roughly as he settled.
He reached over and slapped a hand against my back. “All right?”
“Sorry,” I gasped, eyes watering. “That went down the wrong tube.”
“You weren’t drinking anything,” Charlie pointed out helpfully.
I didn’t know how to relay in code to Charlie that he was also quite possibly evil. “There we are!” Sally exclaimed as she came back to the table. “Just look at this table full of handsome men. Why, this just might be the highlight of my day.” She handed a menu to Robert and another to Jeremy. “We love our Charlie here. It’s usually just him dining, but I think this is better.”
“That’s enough, Sally,” Charlie warned.
She seemed immune to him. “So you say. But since you are now—how do the kids say it these days? Off the market? Going steady?” She shook her head. “Oh, listen to me, going on like I know what I’m talking about. Just hearing you refer to him as your gentleman makes me happy.”
“Is that right?” Robert asked Charlie. “Your gentleman, is it?”
I noticed they hadn’t stopped holding hands, but I thought it was best if I didn’t point that out.
“Something like that,” Charlie mumbled, staring hard at the tabletop.
Robert smiled softly at him. “You old codger.”
“I might have made a mistake,” Jeremy said, staring at the two across from us.
“My entire life is a mistake,” I muttered.
“I’ll leave you to it!” Sally chirped. “Charlie, Corey, if it’s all right with you, I’ll hold your food until the others have a chance to order too. That way you can all eat together.” She paused, tapping her chin thoughtfully. “Almost like a double date, isn’t it?”
She spun on her heels and wove through the crowd as if she hadn’t just detonated a weapon of mass destruction directly in my lap.
It was Jeremy’s turn to cough roughly. I chose to keep my hands to myself. If he died, I would have to live with it.
He didn’t.
I was relieved. Mostly.
“I wonder where she would get that idea,” Robert said airily. “Such a funny woman. I like her.” He glanced at Charlie. “And she seems to know you very well. Come here often?”
“Dad,” Jeremy groaned, face in his hands. “Could you not?”
“It was just a question, Jeremy,” he said. “I wasn’t getting fresh with him. I have no need. I secured this one with my wily charms before either of us had to bend over a
nd cough at the doctor’s office.”
“Robert!” Charlie said, sounding scandalized.
Robert ignored him. He looked at me, and I wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not. “Corey! How delightful it is to see you face-to-face. Jeremy here tells me that you’re making Phoenix House just a wonderful place to work.”
“Dad,” Jeremy said. “Would you stop?”
“Well, you did,” Robert said, glancing at him before looking back at me. “Don’t listen to him. I’m of the mind that if we don’t hear such things, it makes the job all that much harder. And Jeremy tends to be a little reticent with praise. It’s the teacher in him.”
“Dad!”
My hands were clamped down firmly on my thighs. “That’s… super? And you don’t need to worry about that. Jeremy tells me that enough.”
“Does he?” Robert asked sweetly. “That’s good. I’m glad we’re all on the same page. It’s important, the work you’re doing. I can only imagine how beneficial it is for queer kids to have access to ones such as yourselves. I can’t even begin to think how it would have been if we’d had the same thing in our youth.” He squeezed Charlie’s hand. “Who knows what might have happened?”
“I think we did all right with what we had,” Charlie muttered. “And we still got to this point, didn’t we?”
“We did,” Robert told him. “And I don’t know if there’s anywhere I’d rather be.”
I was dead. The cause of death listed by the coroner would be swooning over elderly men who were too precious for this world.
Charlie blushed harder and mumbled something I didn’t catch.
Robert chuckled. “It’s providence, I think. I believe people are placed in our lives at exactly the time they’re meant to. We may not realize the why of it right away, but eventually we get there. Do you know what I mean, Corey?”
No. I had no idea what he was talking about. “Of course,” I said.
“Good. Now, if you please, tell me everything there is to know about Corey Ellis.”
“Dad,” Jeremy chided. “Maybe let up a little.” He looked at me apologetically. “He can be pushy. You can tell him to knock it off.”
I shook my head. “No, it’s… okay, I guess. It’s not like there’s much to say.”
“I find that hard to believe,” Robert said. “You’re very beautiful. I bet you have all the boys salivating over you. Do you have a significant other?”
“Jesus Christ,” Jeremy groaned.
What the fuck was happening? “Uh, thank you? And no, I don’t have a boyfriend. I’m a little busy these days. School takes up a lot of my time. And with Phoenix House added on top of that now, I don’t have a lot of time for anything else.”
Robert nodded. “Education is important. I admire your focus. But you shouldn’t forget to allow yourself some enjoyment in life. You’re young yet. Don’t forget to remember that. Otherwise one day you’ll look in the mirror and see wrinkled skin and wonder how that happened.”
“You look fine to me,” Charlie said gruffly. “Like… cheese. Or cognac. Some of it gets better with age.”
We all turned to stare at him.
Charlie glared at me, daring me to say something.
I kept my mouth shut.
“What a lovely thing to say,” Robert said. “You’re cheese to me as well.”
Sandy and Paul were never going to believe this. I couldn’t wait to tell them.
Speaking of. Time to turn the tables a bit. “Charlie and I were just discussing how you live right down the road from us, and the fact that we didn’t know.”
Charlie wasn’t pleased with me.
I winked at him. I was in for it now. I wondered if he’d strap me to the sawhorse he kept out in his back shed.
“Yes,” Robert said, frowning. “That. Imagine my surprise when Jeremy came home the other week gushing that we’re practically neighbors.”
“I wasn’t gushing,” Jeremy yelped.
“You were certainly exuberant about it,” Robert told him.
“I was surprised.”
“Whatever you want to call it,” Robert said. “But no matter. Now we know, it will make things much easier.”
Charlie looked at him warily. “For what?”
“To invite your kids all over for a meal,” Robert said. “You know I’ve wanted that. You’ve certainly talked about them enough. I feel like I know them well, even though we haven’t spent much time together. They’re important to you, Charlie. That means they’re important to me.”
“So cute,” I breathed.
Charlie began to splutter. “It’s just—I’m not—” He looked at me, almost stricken. “I’m not trying to keep you from them.”
This might have gone a little too far. I reached across the table and took his other hand in mine. “We know,” I told him gently. “And you know we’re not really pissed about it. We just like giving you crap. The fact that you’re happy makes us happy. That’s all that matters.”
“You’re good kids,” Charlie said quietly. “Better than an old man like me deserves.”
“Nah. We’re pretty much stuck together for life. You know that.”
“What a wonderful turn of events this is,” Robert said. He squinted down at the menu on the table. “Charles, since this is your area of expertise, I would have you help me navigate this delightful place. It’s been far too long since I’ve eaten at an establishment where the menu is laminated, and I look forward to the experience. I seem to have forgotten my glasses in the car, so please tell me what’s good and what I should avoid. There appears to be large amounts of cheese on everything. I approve of this.”
“Dad,” Jeremy said. “You need to remember your diet.”
Robert rolled his eyes. “It’s just one meal. Let me live a little. It’ll be our secret, and I promise to eat the rabbit food you consider sustenance without complaint for at least a week.”
“Two weeks.”
“Two weeks,” Robert said irritably. “You always did drive a hard bargain.”
Jeremy sighed. “I wonder where I learned that from?”
I watched as Charlie leaned over and began to point out things on the menu, speaking quietly in Robert’s ear. They continued to hold hands the entire time.
Jeremy bumped my shoulder, and I turned to look at him. “Sorry about this.”
I felt a little stupid. He was so close. “About what?”
His lips quirked. “Interrupting your meal. I should have known something was up when Dad wanted to come here.”
“It’s all right. Your dad is devious. I like that in a person. Mostly.”
Jeremy snorted. “You have no idea. He looks innocent, but it’s all an act.”
I shrugged. “He just wanted to see Charlie. I get that.”
Jeremy hesitated before shaking his head. “Yep. That’s exactly it.”
I thought I was missing something. “Farmers’ market, huh?”
Jeremy laughed. It was a nice sound. “Dad complains, but I know he likes it. It’s something the two of us try to do a couple of times a month. Have you ever been?”
“No. I’m not usually the farmers’ market type.”
He arched an eyebrow. “And what type is that exactly?”
“The type who needs to get outside when it’s a hundred degrees to buy wilted lettuce when you can just go the air-conditioned grocery store to get the same thing.”
He looked flabbergasted. “It’s locally sourced and supports small business—”
I grimaced. “I’d rather not sweat if I can avoid it.”
“Sometimes being sweaty is okay,” Jeremy said. “Depends on what you’re doing.”
“Whoa,” I whispered.
His eyes bulged. “Oh my God, no. Not—I meant like jogging. Or hiking!”
“Right!” I nodded furiously. “Jogging and hiking! That’s exactly what I thought you meant! Nothing else!”
I was convinced Sally was an angel from god (even though I was lazily agnostic
), as she appeared next to the table to save me from my imagination, where Jeremy got sweaty doing other things that involved much more nudity than jogging or hiking. “Well, don’t you all look cozy,” she said, a big smile on her face.
Did I say angel from god? I meant demon from Satan.
“Don’t we?” Robert asked. “Charlie tells me your apple pie is the best he’s ever had.”
Sally preened. “I make it myself.”
“I must try it. After, of course. Because Charlie also says that I can get cheese on tater tots, and I don’t know that I’ve ever heard of such a thing. I simply have to have it. And an iced tea, if you don’t mind.”
“You got it,” Sally said, scribbling on her note pad. She looked at Jeremy. “For you, hon?”
“A salad,” Jeremy said. “And water.”
I rolled my eyes. “He’ll have the burger. But with no onion. He doesn’t like onions.” It was only then I realized that I’d actually spoken that aloud, but it was already too late. I glanced at the salt and pepper shakers, but Charlie—in his infinite wisdom—moved them out of reach.
“Not an onion fan?” Sally asked.
“No, he’s not,” Robert said, sounding amused. “Never has been. When he was little, he said they made his mouth stink, and he didn’t like having a stinky mouth.”
“Understandable,” Sally said. “Got to think about what you might be doing later, after all. I’ll have it out to you in a jiffy.”
She disappeared again.
“How do you know I don’t like onions?” Jeremy asked.
It was such an innocuous question, but it still made me feel like I was a creep. “We ordered pizza at Phoenix House last week,” I muttered, staring down at the table. “And you picked off the onions. I just thought—”
“It’s fine,” Jeremy said. I looked up at him. He was smiling again. “Thanks. Dad’s right, I think. Might as well live a little.” His smile widened. “Though I’ll probably need to get in an extra run to make up for it. And I should make you go with me.”
I gasped in horror. “You take that back. I will never go running voluntarily unless I find myself in a horror movie as the token person of color and need to outlive all the white people to make it to the sequel.”
Jeremy laughed loudly, tilting his head up toward the ceiling as he leaned against the back of the booth. “Only then, huh?”