by TJ Klune
“Yeah. I have no regrets.”
“You should have some regrets, Jesus Christ.”
He laughed and pulled me up from my chair. He led me from the room and shoved me down on the couch before laying a blanket over my lap. He sat down next to me and pulled me close.
JEREMY AND I saw each other, though it was mostly from a distance. He would be going one way and I’d be going another. We’d wave at each other but wouldn’t stop. He had a class to get to, and so did I. We only saw each other outside of the university a couple of times, and only for a few minutes. It wasn’t that we didn’t want to be with each other, but he was right that we had to do this properly.
Without fail, though, I’d come home for the day and find texts from him telling me about something that happened in one of his classes, or a selfie from him in a meeting, rolling his eyes while telling me how bored he was.
We’d been in each other’s pockets for three months, and now that we weren’t, it was shocking how bereft it made me. At least at first. As the weeks wore on, I found myself appreciating this space, given that I was able to start thinking with a clear head. For a brief moment I wondered if the distance between us would be a death knell, if this whole thing between us would be over before it even really started, but I pushed that thought away. I trusted him. And I know he trusted me.
Still, I couldn’t help but feel irrationally annoyed when he texted one Saturday night saying he was going to the leather bar. Annoyed, that is, until I got another message a little bit later telling me that Griffin had apparently started dating some dude named Trigger, and it took me a moment to remember the massive guy outside the leather bar who’d cowered when Charlie appeared. Mazel tov.
There was a momentum to all this. I was irrevocably hurtling forward toward one ending and a new beginning. The days sometimes went so slow I thought I was going to tear my hair out. And then I’d blink and an entire week had gone by. And even though there was this momentum, I still felt like part of myself was in stasis, like I was waiting for something to happen, something to set itself right again.
It did, of course.
And this is how I got my happy ending.
I WAS tackled the moment I opened the door to Phoenix House the last Saturday in September. I managed to catch myself on the frame. I expected it to be one of the kids. It was Marina.
“You came back!” she shouted in my ear.
I laughed as I wrapped my arms around her, her hair tickling my nose. “I told you I would, didn’t I? You know I wouldn’t miss the parade. Sorry it took me so long to get back here. Shit’s been crazy lately. School, and my friend’s brother and his partner just had twins, so I’ve been fielding a shit-ton of phone calls even though I have no idea about parenting in the slightest. They’re very weird. But they’re from Oregon, so that’s to be expected.”
She squeezed me tightly before letting me go. “I’m just happy you’re here.” She grabbed me by the hand and pulled me inside. “Look who I found!”
Teenagers swarmed around me. They were talking excitedly, all of them trying to tell me everything at once, and I closed my eyes, letting it wash over me. I didn’t know until that moment just how much I’d missed this place, with all its noise and vibrancy. It took me by surprise, and I wondered—not for the first time—if this was where I truly belonged. If this could be my future.
The kids were excited. And they had every right to be. It’d been announced a few weeks back that the float for Phoenix House would be the first in the Pride parade, only behind the grand marshal. They had worked hard, and I couldn’t wait to see what they’d created.
The kids finally stepped back, and only then did Diego and Kai come forward. Diego had his arm wrapped around Kai’s shoulders. They both looked me up and down.
“All right?” I asked them.
“Totally,” Diego said.
Kai shrugged, ever aloof.
I rolled my eyes and pulled them both into a hug.
Kai stiffened momentarily before relaxing into it. “Thanks for showing up,” they muttered in my ear.
“It’s the only place I want to be,” I whispered to them.
“We made phoenix feathers,” Diego said happily as he pulled away. “We’re all going to wear them. You too, okay?”
“Sounds perfect. Why don’t you all show me what you’ve been working on? Marina said you’d finished the float, but she wouldn’t send me pictures of it.”
“I wanted it to be a surprise,” Marina said. “You’re going to flip.”
THEY LED me back outside and around to the back of the center to a small parking lot. I saw a truck with a trailer attached and a large, bulky tarp covering it. It was bigger than I expected, and I wondered what the hell they’d managed to pull off. I hoped it looked okay, but even if it didn’t, I was going to stand on it with all the others.
I shouldn’t have worried.
“Ready?” Marina asked me.
I nodded, holding my breath.
“Okay, everyone!” she shouted. “Let’s do it!”
The kids carefully pulled off the tarp, obviously not wanting to damage anything underneath. As it was slowly revealed, I took a moment to take it all in. I saw bright colors and motherfucking wings and—
The tarp fell to the ground.
“Holy fucking shit,” I breathed.
The float wasn’t perfect. Parts of it looked like they would probably break off by the end of the day, but my god, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.
The side of the trailer facing me featured a large banner with the words PHOENIX HOUSE painted on it in red and orange. The front half of the trailer where we’d all be standing was empty. But sitting on the back of the trailer was a phoenix.
An actual fucking phoenix.
It was about ten feet high, and though I could see parts of the wire frame sticking out from underneath, they were barely noticeable unless you were really looking for them. The phoenix’s wings curled toward the front of the trailer, and the head of the bird towered overhead, its eyes narrowed fiercely, its beak pointed down. The feathers were red and orange, but the tips were rainbow colored, bright in the sunlight.
“How the hell did you do all this?” I demanded in awe.
Marina laughed. “A sizeable donation from Stephen and Adam Morgan, a lot of luck, and Diego here. He designed the whole thing. And then everyone pitched in.”
Diego blushed brightly as he looked down at his feet. “Kai helped too.”
“You did all this?” I asked him.
He shrugged. “I mean, yeah? I guess.” He frowned, though he didn’t raise his head. “I like drawing and making things.”
“And he’s the best at it,” Kai said, glaring at me as if they thought I was going to contradict them.
“This is the best thing I’ve ever seen,” I told Diego quietly. “You should be proud.” I raised my voice. “All of you should be proud. I can’t believe… no, you know what? I can believe you all did this. Because I know you and what you’re capable of. This is wonderful.”
Diego looked up at me. “Really?”
I nodded. “Really.”
Kai bumped his shoulder. “I told you Corey would like it.” They rolled their eyes. “He was worried you wouldn’t.”
“I was not.”
“What in the fresh hell is this?”
I sighed.
The grand marshal had arrived.
The kids gasped. Even Kai looked starstruck.
Helena Handbasket strolled up, all sequins and feathers, looking positively glorious and ridiculously out of place in the dingy parking lot. Darren and Paul and Vince trailed after her, but everyone was focused on Helena.
She ignored us as she eyed the float up and down, prowling along its edges as she inspected it. The kids all held their breath, and I managed to bite back my laughter.
Helena finally came back around the float to stand in front of them. She eyed the teenagers before her, all of them looking like they were abou
t to fall to their knees in worship. Helena would certainly enjoy that. “Did you make this?”
Diego puffed out his skinny chest. “We did. All of us.”
“Is that right?”
Everyone nodded.
“Then that does it,” Helena said, clapping her hands. “I have made a decision. I’m supposed to be sitting in a vintage convertible worth more than my entire existence, but it will no longer do. If there is room, I’d like to be on your float.”
“Oh my god,” Diego said, sounding like he was about to faint. “Oh my god.”
“Say yes,” Kai hissed at him. “She’s a queen.”
Diego gave an awkward half bow, one arm going across his stomach as he did so. “We’d be honored, Ms. Handbasket.”
And even though Helena had a part to play, I could tell she wanted nothing more than to coo all over him. She managed to maintain control and said, “Perfect. We shall be the best float in the entire parade, and everyone will bask in our presence. They won’t even remember all those other shitty floats that come after—”
I coughed pointedly.
“I mean, I’m sure everyone worked hard.”
I nodded.
She grinned at me. It was all teeth. “But this is still better than all their crappy floats.”
I sighed.
EVERYONE WENT inside to get ready. I told them I’d be inside in a moment. They blew kisses at Helena before heading back to Phoenix House.
“Thanks for this,” I told Helena after they’d gone. “I knew they’d get a kick out of seeing you.”
“Yes, well. I am a celebrity.”
“No ego, that one,” Darren mumbled.
“They did this by themselves?” Vince asked, staring up at the float. “I suddenly feel very inadequate.”
“You have other talents,” Paul told him.
“Yeah? Like what?”
“You know what,” Paul said, getting that aggressive look in his eyes.
“Absolutely not,” I snapped at them before they could start in on each other. “Not here. There are children.”
“Kids ruin everything,” Paul muttered.
“I’ll Freddie Prinze Junior you in another parking lot,” Vince promised him. “I saw one right down the road we could use later. It smells like fish, but there were no cars parked there.”
I made a face. “Gross.”
“Where’s Jeremy?” Darren asked. “I didn’t see him here.”
I shrugged. “Probably with Charlie and the leather club. He has to march with them this year. Something about his last tour of duty as the former Mr. Leatherman.”
“He’ll be close by anyway,” Helena said dismissively. “I changed the order of the parade and put them right behind the Phoenix House float.”
I gaped at her. “You did what? Why?”
She winked at me. “Wouldn’t you like to know?”
“That’s why I asked! What did you do?”
She kissed me on the cheek, almost poking me in the eye with part of her outfit. “I’m sure you’ll find out before the day is over.”
I scowled at her. “That sounds like a threat.”
“It was, baby doll. It was. Now, let’s go get you ready.”
WE MARCH because we have to in order to be heard.
We celebrate because it’s our goddamn right.
We have pride because we have had to fight for recognition, and we deserve to acknowledge our accomplishments.
Thousands of people lined the streets of downtown Tucson. Rainbow flags hung from every business, all flapping in the hot breeze. The air was filled with confetti and cheers and the laughter and joy of people who fought every day to have the same rights as everyone else. Oh sure, there was the Jack It float where mostly naked twinks danced to terrible techno music, but it was still part of us.
The sound of the crowd was deafening as we rolled down the street. The kids from Phoenix House waved frantically at everyone they could, throwing small weighted phoenix feathers into the throngs of people. Only a couple of people got hit in the face, so I considered that a win. Music blared from speakers underneath the float, and by the end of the parade, I’d never want to hear “We Are Family” ever again.
But that would be later.
Here, now, I didn’t care, and it was because of the happiness I felt, knowing that somewhere behind us, PFLAG was marching with Nana and Larry and Matty leading the charge. Nana was wearing a rainbow muumuu she’d made, and she was intensely proud of it. Matty was wearing a shirt that proudly announced ALL MY SONS (AND ONE DAUGHTER) ARE QUEER! Larry had Pride flags painted on either cheek.
And directly behind the Phoenix House float, the Build-a-Bear Sweat Shop marched, all the people involved wearing their leathers. Even Robert, though his leather consisted of one of Charlie’s cuffs wrapped around his wrist.
And Jeremy was there too. I saw flashes of him behind us once or twice. He was grinning and waving at the crowd, wearing the outfit he’d worn at the Mr. Leatherman competition. He looked like he was sweating terribly but didn’t give a shit about it.
We were here. We were queer.
And nothing was going to stop us.
Nothing, that is, until the float came to an actual stop directly in front of Jack It. Here, the crowds were the biggest, at least ten people deep on either side of the street. I frowned down at the truck, wondering if there was a problem. There was no one in front of us stopping us from going any farther.
There was a screech of static from the speakers as the song cut off. I looked around to see Izaac throw a microphone up to Helena, who caught it deftly, giving it a practiced twirl over the back of her hand.
“What’s going on?” I asked Marina.
Marina laughed and shook her head. “Something good. You’ll see. And I swear to god, you’re so full of shit. The both of you.”
My jaw dropped. I had no idea what the hell she was talking about. Before I could ask, Helena began speaking into the mic, her voice echoing up and down the buildings around us.
“Hello, my lovely, lovely people!” she shouted. “Are you feeling all right?”
They were, if the resounding roar was any indication.
“Good,” she purred. “That’s what I like to hear. Today is important. Not only are we letting the world know that we exist, but we are celebrating love in all its forms. It doesn’t matter if you’re gay or straight, the fact that you’re here means you believe in the message of acceptance. Except for the shitheads over there with the biblical signs shouting scripture. You all can fuck right off. If you believe your god doesn’t love us for who we are, then we sure as hell don’t want him.”
The tiny group of protestors shouted angrily, but they were drowned out by jeers thrown in their direction. The protestors didn’t stop, but neither would we. Ever.
“When I was asked to be the grand marshal of the Pride parade,” Helena continued, “I was absurdly touched. The fact that I was even considered was mind-blowing, and I humbly accepted the honor. It’s the only time I’ve ever been humble in my life. I was surprised I was even capable of it.”
Everyone laughed.
Helena grinned wickedly. “But it got me thinking. What is the point of all of this? What are we doing? Why are we here? And it hit me: we are here because we matter. We’re here because we’re necessary. We’re here being our fabulous selves because we demand that our voices be heard. Someone very dear to me, to my family, once said that we are stronger together than we will ever be alone, and this is why we fight. We fight because there are people in the world who hate us, people in the world who want nothing more than to silence us. But I am here to tell you that will never happen. Because I am proud of who I am. And I am proud of who all of you are. Except for the protestors. Because still fuck you.”
I tilted my head back and howled my appreciation. I felt strong. I felt vital. I felt alive.
“We fight,” Helena said, “because times are troubling right now. But no matter what happens, no matte
r what the future brings, I can promise you one thing: we will be victorious, because we’ve come too far to ever let our rights be taken away from us.”
Chills ran down my spine.
“So let’s celebrate!” Helena crowed into the cheering crowd. “And thank you for allowing me the opportunity to be up here, especially with a group of our own future, the wonderful people of Phoenix House!”
The kids all bowed, and I wiped my eyes as Kai grinned.
“That’s it!” Helena said. “That’s all—”
“Oh, I think there might be one more thing, Helena.”
I blinked at the sound of Charlie’s voice coming through the speaker.
Helena put a finger to her chin as if deep in thought. “There is? What could it possibly be?”
“Maybe you should come back here and find out.”
I was startled when Marina grabbed me by the hand and pulled me toward the edge of the float. There, waiting for me, were Vince and Paul. Vince held up his arms as if he was going to help me down. I looked back over my shoulder at Helena. “What’s going on?”
She smiled softly at me. “Your future, baby doll. And I think it’s time you go and get it.”
My skin was buzzing as I turned back to Vince. I grabbed his hands and jumped down to the street. He leaned forward and kissed my cheek. I heard the others on the Phoenix House float jumping down too. I glanced back to see the float pull ahead a little ways after everyone was down, Darren helping Helena gracefully, spinning her around before setting her down. She laughed and kissed him quickly on the lips before coming toward me.
“You ready?” she asked.
“For what?”
“This,” she said, and silence fell over everyone.
Everyone, that is, except for Paul.
I gaped as he lowered his sunglasses onto his face and said, “It’s Sexy Paul, bitch.”
“That’s not even the right song,” I said faintly as “Toxic” by Britney Spears began to blast from the speakers.
And then they all began to dance.
Paul. And Vince. Helena. Even fucking Darren, and that asshole had moves I didn’t even know he was capable of. I nearly lost it when Nana and Matty and Larry burst through the crowd, jumping in on the routine. Larry was such a fucking dad about the whole thing, jerking his hips left and right so hard, I thought he was going to fall down.