by A. R. Breck
I can’t let tonight get to me.
I can’t let my night be ruined by Roman.
So, I let loose. Even with the gnawing in my stomach and the ache in my heart, I dance with Travis.
Because that's what I'm meant to do.
I might be a ballerina at heart, but I can still twirl, jump, and dance like the rest of them. We dance until we're sweaty, hot messes. Until my waved hair is flattened into a sheet and strands of hair stick to my temples.
Travis's clammy palm wraps around my hands and he spins me around and around until I'm dizzy. I giggle, stopping in place until the world rights itself.
And my eyes connect with Roman’s as he stands in the front doorway.
My heart lurches at the sight of him. Standing tall and too old to be in middle school. His suit presses nicely and curves around each muscle and bone in his body. He looks around the room, and I can tell from the look on his face that he's looking for me. He's scoping me out between each and every person, his eyes weaving like my mom crochets her blankets.
I duck a little behind Travis, pressing my hands to his chest. "I'm thirsty all of a sudden. I'm going to grab some punch."
"Oh. Let me. I could use some too. I'll bring some to our table."
I dodge Roman's eyes as I duck down and tiptoe around people. All the way to the table where Nora is already sitting down, looking bored out of her mind.
"How's it going?" I ask once I reach her.
"Wishing I was literally anywhere else in the world," she groans.
I sigh. "I know. I saw your brother."
Nora nods. "I know."
My eyes widen. "You saw him too?"
She shakes her head. "No, he's standing right behind you."
My jaw drops and I turn around, seeing him stand behind me. He looks so tall, so strong standing there in his suit. So much like an adult, and I suddenly feel like a small child who's about to get in trouble.
"I told you to wait for me," he mumbles.
"I told you I was going to the dance with Travis." At that very moment, Travis decides to make his appearance with a cup of punch in each hand. He blanches when he sees Roman, faltering in his step a moment before he continues his walk up to us.
"Roman. What're you doing here?"
Roman blinks in slow motion, like that's by far the stupidest question he's ever been asked. "I'm here for Luna."
"Uhh…" Travis looks between the both of us.
"Heard you were running your mouth, Schwinn." Roman says, taking a step toward Travis.
Oh, hell no.
"Roman, stop." I stand up at the same time as Nora does. She knows her brother, too. The tone is his voice makes the hair on my arms stand up. Terrifying.
"I didn't say anything, man. I swear."
Roman takes another step toward him, brushing by my side without a second thought. "I don't like people talking about me behind my back. Got something to say? Say it to my face." Roman slaps his chest, this being the very angriest I've ever seen him.
Roman doesn't get angry. Roman gets irritated, he gets annoyed, but Roman never, ever gets angry.
"Let's dance." I pull Roman away, because I'm scared more than anything he's going to punch Travis, and that will just get him into trouble.
I don't want that.
Travis looks forlorn as I walk away from him, and I wince and give him an apologetic look. He takes my seat, downing the contents of his Styrofoam cup.
Roman ends up being the one to pull me, yanking me until we're in the center of the gym. Directly underneath the disco ball we stand, listening to the last few notes of a song I'm unfamiliar with. It's upbeat, and Roman doesn't seem to be in an upbeat mood right now.
The first notes to REO Speedwagon's I Can't Fight This Feeling Any Longer comes on, and Roman snaps his arms out and wraps them around my waist, pulling me against his chest. My arms go around his neck automatically, my fingers lacing together at the base of his head. My fingers tickle against the messy hairs that have grown too long, threading through the soft strands. He bends down, crooning the notes in my ear, singing so softly, his voice so low and raspy, a tone that has recently turned deep, manly, and I melt. Every inch of me melts into his arms.
Our feet go from left to right, an easy two step that takes little effort or concentration. "Why do you have to fight this? Why would you go to a dance without me? With him?" he mumbles into my ear as he pulls me even closer.
My insides weep from his sad voice. I curl into him, wanting to hop inside his chest so I can hold him, cuddle him, make every inch of him better.
"You hurt me." I nuzzle against his chest.
"I didn't mean to." He pulls back, his hand going to my jaw as he tilts my head up. "I never meant to hurt you. I just couldn't handle it. I can't take it, Luna."
"Can't take what?"
"I can't watch you with someone else. All it takes is one guy, one moment, and maybe you'll realize they're the one."
I shake my head before his sentence is even finished. "It would never be like that."
He narrows his eyes. "How would you know? You met me, and you say it only took a second for you to realize I was going to be your best friend. You say you're an old soul, that maybe we were supposed to meet. But what if someone else is an old soul, too? What if Travis is an old soul, and he was the love of your life in a past life?"
I want laugh and snort and cry and scream at the same time.
"You know very little of me if you think that's how it'd ever be. You are my soulmate. Couldn't you tell from the moment I met you? All those years ago, you told me you could feel it. Don't you feel it, Roman?"
He takes a shaky breath, the hand on my jaw trailing to the back of my neck, his fingers gentle and tantalizing as they tickle from my neck and down my spine. "I feel it, Luna. I've always felt it." His hand moves down my back to my hips. His hand slips down over my hips, grazing my backside ever so gently.
His eyes widen, and his footsteps halt. He brings his hand up, and my eyes widen at the look on his face. I glance over, seeing a streak of red on his hand.
Oh, shit.
I start sweating, my body popping with goosebumps as a shiver racks my spine. My jaw becomes unhinged, and I swallow, mouth opened, as I realize what this means.
Roman snaps into action, spinning me around and pushing me through the crowd of people. We don't stop to tell anyone we're leaving. He just pushes me out of the gym and into the hallway. His fingers are strong against my arms, so tight and slightly shaky. I start sweating. I'm panicking, tremors making my teeth chatter as I come to terms with what's going on.
I got my period.
My mom kept saying it was taking a while. My sister got hers in the summer from sixth to seventh grade, and I'm in the middle of eighth grade and still haven't gotten it.
Well, I guess now I have.
It makes sense, though, why I've had the gnawing in my stomach all day.
Oh my God. I'm bleeding through my dress.
Did everyone see?
I look over my shoulder, seeing everyone dancing and talking and partying like they usually would. No one is staring. No one is pointing. It's just another dance for them. A teen dance with a ton of hormonal teenagers.
"Oh, no." I start to cry.
"Shhh." Roman rips his suit coat off his shoulders and wraps it around my waist. "You're fine." He's acting calmer than I am, even with his palm full of red.
Nora even got her period over the summer. Roman has been dealing with her PMS attitude one week a month for a while now, but it's still gross.
And embarrassing.
"Shit," I whine, wrapping his coat tightly around my waist. "This is so embarrassing."
"It's not embarrassing. You knew it was going to happen. Come on, let’s just go home." He pushes me out the front door, keeping his arm on me as we walk home. I'm not in the right dress to walk in the snow, but it's only down the street, and it's supposed to be a while before my mom is supposed to pick me and Nora up.<
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The walk is quiet, the lightly falling snow heavier than it was earlier. It brushes over my toes and the sheer fabric on my arms does nothing to hide the cold. It's beautiful outside, and any other night I'd take a moment to enjoy the tree branches weighted down by the blankets of snow. To listen to the crunch of snow being compacted beneath my feet, or to smell the crisp freshness of the cool air.
Tonight, I can't do any of those things. Tonight, I'm distraught over bleeding through my dress and making a mess on Roman's hand.
Would Travis have done the same? No, I don't think he would have. I think he would have cringed, maybe gagged, and made up some excuse to spend the rest of the night away from me.
The nervous chattering of my teeth turns into a chatter from my freezing body. Soon, we're walking down Roman's driveway. I make a turn to head home when he shakes his head and pulls me into his house.
"Where are we going?" I sniffle. "I need go home."
He shakes his head again, pulling me into his house. I don't see his mom anywhere, but he pulls me straight through his house and into his bathroom. He crouches down, opening the cupboard underneath his sink and pulls out Nora's pack of feminine products.
He hands me a square package from the box, wrapped in yellow packaging. "Do you, uh… do you know what to do?"
My cheeks flame, embarrassment hitting me, and now I realize the gnawing is cramps, and they aren't getting any better as time goes on. Only worse. "I know what the heck to do," I snap, even though it's partly a lie. I think I know what to do, living with my sister and mom, and hanging out with Nora. I've just never done it by myself, so I really hope I don't mess something up.
"I'll go get you some clothes." He looks slightly embarrassed himself, and that only makes it worse.
"I should just go home," I whine when Roman starts to close the door.
He shakes his head. "Will you hang out? Just for a little bit? Let me take care of you." His eyes are pleading, his face screwed up in pain.
I stand there for a moment, and we're both staring at each other. "Fine. But my mom needs to know where I am. She'll freak out if she goes to pick us up and Nora is the only one there."
He nods his head and shuts the door. The moment I hear the click, I reach forward and press the small button to lock it. I loosen Roman's coat, letting it fall to the floor and turn around so my backside faces the mirror.
And I sob.
There's a big, circular splotch of red over my butt. A dark but bright red that is unmistakably blood. My sobs are silent but rack my chest and make my ribs hurt. My chest pounds as I grab the fabric around my sides and start inching it up. I continue pulling my dress up until it's around my waist, and my cream-colored panties are showing.
Hooking my thumbs into the waistband, I pull them down and cringe, my eyes watering as I see the stained red inside of them.
I go to the bathroom, wiping myself, hating the red smear that comes away on the toilet paper.
Knock, knock.
"I have some clothes here, and, um, a bag to put your… stuff in. I'll be in my room."
I don't say anything, my embarrassment making my face turn hot and the tears won't stop flowing.
Once I can hear the knowing creaks from the floorboards groaning from his weight as he walks back to his room, I get up, hobble to the door and as quietly as possible, I open the door and pull everything inside. A pair of Nora's underwear sits in between a pair of Roman's sweats and t-shirt. I wouldn't fit in Nora's clothes. I'm too tall and she is too short. Which is probably why he chose his own clothes for me to wear.
I slip everything on, opening the pad and putting the sticky side against my underwear. When I pull them up, I want to sob all over again.
It feels like I'm wearing a fucking diaper.
It feels gross and uncomfortable, but I don't see any other choice. With the small paper bag, I roll up my old underwear and dress, shoving them inside. I hope my mom can get the stain out of the dress. I really liked it.
I open up the bathroom door, and there stands Goldie. I'm sure my eyes are red-rimmed and puffy, but the sympathetic expression on her face makes me think she already knows what's going on.
"Oh, honey. I'm so sorry that had to happen tonight." She pulls me into her arms and squeezes me tight. "I'm going to pick up Nora, so your mom doesn't have to. Your mom did want you home in a couple hours, though, if you wanted to hang out here for a while longer." She has a knowing expression on her face, and all I can do is nod. Like she knows everything.
She knows us.
"Okay, you let me know if you need anything."
"Thank you." I sniffle, rubbing my eyes as I turn around and walk my bare feet across the tannish, yellowing carpet. Roman's bedroom door is opened, and he has his guitar in his lap as he sits on the side of the bed. On his nightstand sits a tall glass of clear liquid—I'm assuming water—and two little red pills.
He notices me when I step inside and props his guitar up against his bed as he stands up. "Are those clothes okay? I was going to get something of Nora's, but I'm guessing they would all be too small."
I nod. "These are fine." I glance at the table again, incredibly thirsty, since I was never able to drink that punch Travis was supposed to get for me earlier.
"Oh, here. Here's some water, and my mom said that Advil will help if you have a stomachache."
I nod my head, walking over to the table and swallowing down the pills with the water, gulping down large mouthfuls until the entire glass is empty. My stomach cramps, and I frown. "Maybe I should go home. I don't feel good."
"I can take you if you want. Or you can stay here, and I can play a little for you?"
I think about going home, and my mom's excitement over me getting my period. She'll hound me and ask me a bunch of questions, ask me how I'm feeling, and talk about womanhood. Or I can stay here with Roman until I'm forced to go home.
"I'll stay," I whisper.
He smiles, and I crawl under his blue comforter that smells like him. It's heavy and thick and I would sweat like crazy if I used this every night, but right now I'm freezing, like I have the chills. Probably from the blood loss, so I'm grateful to slip between the sheets that smell so much like Roman and burrow underneath its thickness.
I face away from him, keeping my back toward him as I curl up into a ball. My knees press against my chest and my toes brush against his cool sheets.
I can feel the other side of the mattress sink and can hear as he gets comfortable on his side of the bed. It's not a big bed, only a double size, but it's bigger than my twin-sized bed at home.
Roman starts plucking notes on his acoustic guitar, the one he rarely uses. He's a rock-and-roll guy like his father, but when he picks up his acoustic, I can't help but melt at the sounds. The soft tunes, the easy melodies. He plucks each note with ease.
"Roman?" I ask, my eyes closing as I imagine his fingers tugging on each string of his guitar, his fingers getting small red line indentations on the tips.
"Hmmm?" he responds, not stopping his random notes.
"Thank you for coming. Thank you for helping me."
He stops playing at this, a sharp, awkward note fading off into the distance and I imagine him pressing his palm against the strings.
"I wouldn't have had it any other way, Luna."
He starts up again, playing the notes until a tune starts, and then his voice starts crooning gently and quietly. Each note trails through the room until it reaches me. His voice swirls around my neck, my arms, my aching stomach, until they slip into my mouth and wrap directly around my heart.
I close my eyes and listen to the notes until they lull me to sleep.
CHAPTER EIGHT
LUNA
My body bends as I spin in the air, my toes pointed, and my arms bowed above my head. I come down, landing on my toes and tiptoe across the stage. I can feel the pressure of my toes against the hard, wooden floor. I bend myself back, arching my spine and then I snap up, running forward and goin
g into a split. I come down onto my toes, and then spin with my leg out, toes pointed. I end softly, going into a gentle bow.
The crowd goes wild and the curtains close, and every other dancer in The Nutcracker comes out. The curtain opens once more, and we all do a group bow as everyone stands and claps. Whistles and cheers are heard, and I think I even hear Roman in the crowd shouting my name.
The curtains close for a second time, and then it's chaos in the back. Everyone undresses into their regular clothes. Parents walk into the backstage area and greet their kids and give hugs. Soon my mom and dad are wrapping me in their arms, and my sister stands behind them. It's winter vacation, so Harper was able to come home for school break.
"You were wonderful, Luna!" My mom praises. I played Clara in The Nutcracker, a play that I have been practicing for since school started this year. I'm beat and tired, and I'm ready to go relax for Christmas in a couple days.
I say goodbye to my teacher and the other dancers, and then we walk off to the front, where Nora, Roman, and Goldie are all waiting for us.
"You did great, baby!" Goldie wraps me in a hug that I take willingly. I wrap my arms around her, loving the smell of Roman and their house that I've come to know as my second home.
"I so wish I could dance like that. How you can stand on your toes like that is beyond me." Nora scoffs and I laugh.
Roman stares at me, a proud and happy look on his face. Since the winter carnival when I got my first period, Roman and my relationship has been so much deeper than it's ever been before. We spend so much time together. We always have, but we're closer now. The simple touches, and the gentle glances—it's like my breath is stolen. He steals it easily, with only a glance, and I let him.
I let him swallow my breaths and my heart, and he takes them greedily.
He gives me his heart back.
It's thumping and wild, and a little erratic at times, but what we have together is undeniable, and I think we're both realizing we're tired of fighting the inevitable.