by A. R. Breck
Tonight, I don't have it in me.
My body twitches and shakes, my fingers trembling so badly I have to smoosh them beneath my legs. With my eyes closed, I wait for sleep to take me.
It doesn't, not until morning. And the only thing in my dreams is a gray-eyed Luna.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
LUNA
My eyes are heavy, and my body is tense, from the night before. We're all a little skittish, leery of staying here. None of us are comfortable anymore. Our easy spot has turned into… what, a murder scene?
"What do you think happened?" I ask, squeezing the water from my hair. I took a quick bath in the creek, feeling gross and sweaty from nerves and a night of restless sleep.
"Do you think someone got shot?" Trish asks.
"Maybe it was just a hunter or something? Maybe they were shooting an animal," Shauna suggests.
Neil shakes his head. "Didn't you hear how many shots there were?"
"Or that fucking scream?" Willie chimes in, a shiver taking over his tanned, naked back. "I'm pretty sure it was a murder."
I stand up, wrapping the worn towel around my body. "I need to get out of here. Does anyone else need to get out of here?" It's like there are eyes on me, or one million spiders crawling over every inch of my body.
I've seen some creepy critters out here. Scorpions, snakes, huge-looking spiders that would make me run across state lines if they were on me.
But nothing, not one thing, has scared me as much as hearing those gunshots and that scream. Nothing.
"That's a good idea, babe," Willie says, and my stomach hollows out from the nickname. "Where should we go?"
"Dude." Neil stands up from his spot by the fire. "Hold on." He hops over the flat rock he was sitting on, running barefoot inside the Winnebago. The small home rocks as he jumps up the front steps. Coming back out, he has a map that's been folded one too many times. The middle crease is ripped, and some of the locations are so worn you can barely see the names on them.
"I've been wanting to go to Superstition Mountain." He points at a spot on the map not far from where we are. “We can hike there today, get away from here for a bit. Clear our heads."
We all look at each other with excitement and relief that we get to get out of here for the day.
"Yes! Let's do it!" Trish stands up, Shauna right behind her.
"Ugh, thank God." I grab my things, packing up the little belongings I have and put them in the Winnebago. I don't trust any of my stuff out here now. I just feel like this entire place is unsafe.
"Are we going to walk there or drive?" Willie asks. He grabs a bucket, walking to the river to fill it up. Carrying it to the fire, he pours it over the flames. It sizzles and steams, the logs smoking once the flames burn out.
"We'll walk. It shouldn't be that far." Neil looks at the map again, using his knuckle to check the miles. He looks up at the sky, checking the sun. "We'll just make sure we bring enough water for the day."
We all nod, not really caring what we do or how long it takes. We just want to get out of here.
"Shit, it's hot," I gasp, grabbing the canteen from Trish’s hip. The strap snaps around her hip, yanking her toward me. I don’t care. I’m so thirsty. I take a small sip, knowing we're only a short way up the mountain. We've got a long way to go and make it back to camp before we'll be able to get more water.
"What's the story of Superstition Mountain, anyway?" Shauna asks, looking at the rock walls and jagged peaks. The canyons are beautiful, but it's very dry out here, and the higher we climb, the drier it becomes—the closer we get to the sun.
It’s bright, and I don’t have sunglasses. My eyelids ache, each blink dry and heavy.
"From what I've been told, there's a gold mine here somewhere that was hidden by the Lost Dutchman."
"So, you're saying we might come across a fucking mine of gold?" Willie asks, his own glasses going to the top of his sweaty head as he looks around.
I roll my eyes, panting, "Don't even try. You'll never find it. I'm sure people come here all the time scoping it out. It's probably not even real."
He lifts an eyebrow at me. "I wouldn't count it out until I've scoured every inch of this mountain." He continues looking around, and I let him, too hot, too tired to argue.
"It is really fucking hot today." I look up at the sun. Today, there isn't a cloud in the sky. The sun burns bright. I want to sit down, but everything is sharp in the desert. Beautiful, but one wrong move and you get stabbed with cacti or a bush or bitten by some kind of fucking animal.
"It really is hot," Shauna whines, "maybe we should head back early."
Yes. Please yes.
Neil laughs. "We can't head back yet. We’ve barely started. And honestly, would you rather go back to that place already? Or would you rather stay out here, far away from those gunshots?"
We all nod, knowing even if we're hot and uncomfortable, we'd rather be here than back at camp.
We walk through the red-colored mountains, the smooth rocks looking hot and almost shiny from the sun. Unlike anything I've ever seen. The bushes are a light yellow, all types of greenery dried of any water source. The canyons and dips in the earth where there should be small pools are all dried up, the ground cracked and dehydrated. Nearly as dehydrated as I'm feeling.
It takes a while, and the further we get away from our camp, the hotter it gets. The sun beats down, my skin past the point of sweating, instead keeping each drop of fluid I have stored in my body.
"Can I have some more water?" I plead, holding my hand out. I don't care who hands it to me, I'm getting so thirsty I'm starting to feel sick. Nausea builds in my stomach, and my head is starting to throb.
"I'm out," Neil says.
I whimper, still holding my hand out.
"Oh, well, that's not good. Looks like I'm out, too," Willie grumbles.
I turn my head toward him. We have three large canteens, and we drink it all before we even get to the top of the mountain?
“Uh-oh,” Trish whines. “Me too.”
"Are you serious?" I whip my head around toward them, feeling my heart speed up. "Are you telling me we're out of water?" I gasp. They're joking, right? They have to be fucking joking.
"We should turn back." I stop, my knees screaming in protest. My entire body feels like it's locking up. I've never been this thirsty in my entire life. "I don't feel good. Something is wrong."
Willie walks up to me, taking his shirt off. "You're getting too much sun. Do you need to sit down?" He wraps his shirt around my head, but it feels too heavy, just another added layer on my body. I whip it off, throwing it on the sandy ground. A plume of dust floats up, coating his white shirt in orange.
Every move is starting to become excruciating.
Shauna stops, her face filling with fear. Her skin pale, and her hair sticking to her forehead and cheeks. Her top is rolled up beneath her breasts, her stomach bright red, burning from the sun. It doesn't matter how much time we've spent in the sun; the Arizona heat burns your skin no matter how tan you are. "We need to turn around."
Neil spins around, walking backward up the hill. His face is sweaty, his own shirt wrapped around his head. "Come on. We're almost to the top!" He points up the hill. He's right, we're so close. We'd be stupid to turn around now without walking to the peak.
But the sun is setting, and at this rate, we're going to be walking back in the dark. That's stupid, with mountain lions and coyotes. You never know what you're going to run into in the dark.
"We're out of water, Neil. We have the entire walk back. Do you know how long it's going to take us? We've been walking all day." Shauna's face is beet red, but her lips are pale. We're all getting dehydrated.
Everyone's outer edges of their figures are turning fuzzy. A little blurry. My eyes are burning, every blink a struggle. It feels like there's sand beneath my lids, the scratchiness making my eyes feel raw.
The world turns on its axis, and I stumble, falling to my knees. My knees knock agains
t rocks, and instant rock burn hits my skin. My hands plant onto the ground, the hot gravel burning my palms.
"Whoa, you okay?" Willie comes up to me, his hot hand wrapping around my bicep as he hauls me up.
"I don't feel good." My body is starting to get cold, which doesn't make any sense since the inside of my body is burning up. I shiver, feeling feverish. "I think I'm getting sick."
"Probably a little heat exhaustion. Do you want to sit down? Hey, guys! Let's sit down for a second!" he shouts to our group.
I wave his hand away, stepping out of his hold. His hand is only making me hotter, and it feels disgusting to be touched by anyone right now. "No. No, I don't want to sit down. I won't be able to get back up, and there's no way I'm going to sleep some place that's called Superstition Mountain."
His hand comes to my back, rubbing against my tank top. The fabric rubbing up and down feels like scrapes along my already irritated skin. "Stop. Fucking stop, Willie."
He puts his hands up, stepping back. "Just trying to help."
"Well, all you're doing is hurting me," I whisper to myself, although from his silence, I know that he heard me.
We walk in silence, and all I can think about is home. How I could dip my toes in the cool water of the lake, floating on my back with my hair drifting around me. Or how I could go to Roman's house in the middle of the night, and the grass would be cool, maybe even a little damp and dewy on my feet. Everything cool, everything refreshing. I wish it were on me.
I wouldn't mind a torrential downpour right now, making mudslides left and right. Any kind of coolness or water would alleviate the immense amount of pain I'm in right now.
We reach the top a short while later, and my knees give out again. Everyone falls to the ground, but I collapse. My eyesight goes in and out, and I know this is the worst I've ever been, illness-wise.
Shauna groans from the ground, not looking much better than me. She blinks, but it doesn’t look like she sees anything. Her gasps are pained, her limbs looking tense against the ground.
It feels like we’re going to die.
And the scary part is, I think it's a real possibility at this point. The desert in Arizona is dangerous, but the desert in Arizona at night is almost forbidden. People die all the time in the desert. We came across a dead body when we first arrived. Half turned to bones in the sun, leaning against a side of a mountain. Lost, or maybe found. I don’t know, but it was sad to see, the decrepit skeleton rotting away in the sun.
We've heard the horror stories of people walking into the desert and never coming out. People get lost, people get sick, people get attacked. It's the fucking wilderness, and unfortunately, we we're stupid enough to follow their lead, heading straight into the desert without enough water.
"I want to head back. It's getting dark out," Trish's voice is shaky, her eyes wide as she continues looking over her shoulder. Like she's moments away from being eaten.
I try to move, but my muscles have started cramping. My calves hurt, a horrible charley horse making my entire leg lock up. "Shit," I cry, my hands going down to the cramp. I can't clench my fingers around my calf, though; my fingers are completely unusable, locked up and in pain.
"You okay?" Shauna rolls over, sounding just as bad as she looks. I can't imagine what I look like, but it has to be just as bad. Probably worse.
The rocks and bushes dig into my back, scraping my skin to shreds, but I can't find it in me to even move.
"I don't think so," I gasp.
"Come on, let's get back. You look really bad." She bends over, helping me to my feet. It's nearly dark now, the path in front of us meshing in with the rest of the mountain. Or maybe my vision is going dark. Either way, I can barely see. Shauna nudges me toward the path, and the five of us start making our way down the mountain.
It doesn't take long for me to start hallucinating.
Half of the mountain starts turning into a cartoon, and I close my eyes, rubbing my sockets with the heels of my palms. It hurts, my entire body screaming in agony. When I open my eyes, everything is back to normal. We keep shuffling forward, and after a few steps, the world starts turning into a cartoon again.
I bend over, dry heaving. I feel like my spine is about to split in half when my back folds over, my muscles screaming at me in horror. The ground moves, like it's turning into water below me. I dry heave again, the mixture between cartoon and real life churning my stomach like and angry tornado.
"What's wrong?" Willie walks up to me, not touching me this time, but still getting close enough that I can feel his hot breath on my shoulder. Nothing is coming from my stomach; my dehydration having sucked up everything in my body. But it doesn't stop the gags from rolling through my throat.
"Hallucinating." I breathe when a gag passes. I reach my hand out, placing it in his outstretched hand. When I stand upright, my eyes widen.
Right off the path is a wild horse. A giant, white stallion. Its tail swishes back and forth, the thick, coarse, white hair blowing in the wind. It looks like mine, except mine is a midnight black, where the pony's is a stark white. I stumble off, not scared of this hallucination.
The hallucinations terrified me before, made me feel sick.
This hallucination… it centers me. There's something about it. It's not looking at us, but it has to sense us, right? Five loud, stomping, dehydrated kids walking down a mountain at night? Our feet shuffle across the desert ground, our pants echoing throughout the open air. The horse has to know that we're here.
But why isn't she scared?
I nearly fall over a bush, but right myself as I get close. It's looking down at the ground, looking for some type of food or something. Maybe it's hallucinating from the hot too, and wants this day to end.
But as I get closer, she looks up, looking straight at me.
This has to be a hallucination, right?
I feel like it’s a sign. And it makes me feel sick, makes me want to cripple over in agony, but I look at this white horse and I only think of one thing.
I think of Roman.
Why? Why is he always in the back of my mind? When you cut ties with your soulmate, shouldn't they leave your heart? Shouldn't their soul separate from yours? Why would my soul still be tied with his? Why would my heart still ache? Why would my mind and body still weep for him? For his closeness, for any ounce of Roman that I could get, I would swallow it just as greedily as I would swallow a glass of water right now.
I want to go home.
I want to go back to him.
The horse looks at me, her black eyes blinking slowly. Her tail swishing heavier now, to a beat almost. It swishes back and forth every time my heart beats. Like we're in sync, connected in some way.
My hand reaches up, wanting to touch her. Wanting to feel her and wondering if it would feel like going home.
What is she trying to tell me?
The moment my hand is about to graze her coarse hair, her body twitches, and she runs off into the distance, her feet galloping heavily, pounding against the ground. Her white hair blows in the red sunset, and a tear leaks from my eye.
My chin quivers.
Come back. Please come back.
"Did you guys see that, too? Or am I hallucinating?" Neil utters.
My head whips around, my eyes wide in shock as I stare at them. They're all looking at me with wide eyes, their jaws slack as they stare into the distance.
I turn around, looking where my hallucination just was and only see the dust settling to the ground, the pale-yellow sand tinged red from the setting sun.
"You saw her?" I cry.
I thought it was in my mind. But it wasn't. She was real. She was real, and I don't know what it means, but the fact that my heart beats heavier, my body shot with adrenaline, makes me know what it means.
It was him. It was my soulmate.
It was Roman.
Don't give up.
If he were to tell me anything right now, it would be to not give up.
“Guys
?” comes a wobbly voice.
I turn around, seeing Trish staring at Shauna. I glance at her, seeing her eyes barely open, her knees shaking for only moments before she collapses to the ground. Her lids open wide, rolling in the back of her head, showing off the whites of her eyes. Her jaw tenses, the entire muscle along her face and neck going taught.
Then she starts shaking. Trembling heavily as her spine arches. Her entire body tense, her arms twitching against her sides as her body rocks against the ground.
“What’s wrong with her?” Trish screams.
“She’s having a seizure!” Neil shouts, running up to her. He pushes her on her side, his body pinning her against the earth. He brings his fingers to her cheek, tilting her face to the ground.
“What are you doing?” I scream, my fingers going to my hair. I pull on the ends, feeling helpless, feeling sick, feeling out of fucking control.
“I’m trying to help her!” he shouts.
Trish cries, “It looks like you’re hurting her.”
He scowls at her, keeping her pinned to the ground. Shauna continues to thrash beneath him. What feels like hours, even though I know it’s only been minutes, goes on with all of us staring at Neil trying to control Shauna so she doesn’t hurt herself.
“Shauna!” I cry, wanting this to be over. Wanting it all to end.
Finally, it does.
Shauna’s body goes limp beneath Neil. He rolls off her instantly, his knees in the sand as he lays her on her back.
She’s motionless.
Her eyes open wide.
“What’s wrong with her?” I whisper, my jaw slack.
“Shauna!” Trish screams, falling to the ground. Trish shakes her shoulders, her fingers burying into her skin as she attempts to wake her. “Wake up, Shauna! Wake the fuck up!”
“Shit,” Neil mumbles from beside me.
I look at him with a frown, taking a step away from him and toward Shauna. I squat down, my knees creaking and aching as I grab her hand. My fingers trail along the warm skin of her palm, sliding up until I hit her wrist. I press my fingers against the tendons, holding tight and closing my eyes.