by A. R. Breck
The thought brings butterflies into my stomach. I so badly want that, but the fear of being shut down, of being rejected… I don't know how I'd be able to recover. The thought of leaving something behind that was my passion, regretting it, trying to salvage it, and losing my chance, is excruciating.
I'd bleed out on the front steps.
"I'll have to think about it."
"You think about it, but I know you, Luna. You're going to dance again. I know it."
I settle into the bed, and Roman lies next to me. His head is propped on his hand as he looks down at me. We talk about everything. Every detail of our time apart. Every step we took, every breath we took. There wasn't a moment of time we didn't talk about.
We made up for lost time.
We talked until night came, darkness shrouding the room again. We only stopped for Roman to order some pizza to be delivered. We ate in bed, the pizza box between us, our fingers full of grease as Roman caught me up on our families. He hasn't seen my parents in years, but our parents still talk frequently, and he says they're doing well.
That made me cry.
I'm going to call them tomorrow. I'm going to apologize and tell them I'm home. That I'm never going to do that to them ever again.
I smile until my jaw hurts. Then we curl under the sheets, and Roman holds me. He curls his arm around my entire body. I snuggle against his front, loving the hardness, the manliness that he has become. I fall asleep in his arms, the scent of Roman surrounding me, and his love repairing me.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
LUNA
I wake up to the sound of a phone ringing. Roman rolls over, his arm leaving my side as he picks up the home phone sitting on his nightstand.
"Hello?" His raspy voice is so intoxicating. My heart settles, and I curl closer to him on his mattress, snuggling against his side. My head goes to his chest, and I listen as his voice vibrates straight into my ear.
"Now? What's the status?" He grows serious, sitting up slightly in bed. My face tilts toward his, and I watch as he brings a hand up, wiping the sleep from his eyes.
"Yeah. I'm on my way." He hangs up, dropping his head back to the pillow and letting out a groan. Turning his head toward mine, he combs my dark hair from my face, his hand curling around my cheek. "I wanted to stay home today with you, but there’s an emergency. I have to go."
"What's going on?" I frown.
"Some carbon monoxide detected in some apartments over by Central Park. I don't know how long I will be. Going to vacate everyone from the building." He grimaces. "Will you be okay here? I don't want to leave you here alone, but I can't take you with me."
I sit up, combing my hair over my shoulder. "No. No, I'll be fine. I might take a walk today around the city. Explore a little bit. I also have to call my mom. I'll be fine. I'll just… see you when I get back, I guess?" I smile, this adulting we’re doing feeling a little weird. Back in high school we had rules, a small town, nothing to really do besides hang out with each other.
Now we have lives, expectations, and obligations that we need to take care of.
"I wanted to take you around the city and explore with you," he grumbles, sliding out of bed and walking to his dresser. He opens his cherrywood drawers, grabbing a pair of boxers and a white shirt.
"I'll save the fun things for you." I don't want to tell him, because I don't know if I'll go through with it. But I'd like to make my way down to Julliard. I don't know if I'll be able to step inside, or even talk to anyone, but being able to look at the place of my dreams in the face will be a big enough step for me, I think.
"I'll be back as soon as I can. I'll leave a key on the counter." He walks up to me, his clothes in hand as he bends down, pressing a kiss to my lips. I deepen it, slipping my tongue in his mouth. I feel so broken after Hawaii, but every moment with Roman is giving me back a piece of myself that I've lost. He's healing me, just by being in his presence.
He peels away from me way too soon, stepping back with a grimace. "I've really got to…"
"Go, go." I wave him off, and he dresses as quick as he can, pulling a pair of jeans on and yanking his t-shirt over his head. He gives me one more glance before he rushes out the front door.
I fall back onto my pillow, looking at the ceiling. So much has happened over the course of the last few days. My entire life has taken a one-eighty. The darkness that has been seeping into my bones for the past five years has lifted and brightened with just Roman's presence. It makes me hate myself a little more, to be honest.
It makes my decision to leave in the first place that much more foolish. Why did I ruin something when it was so perfect? Was my immaturity and need to become independent that important? Was it even necessary? Why couldn't I just let things be as they were?
Leaving Roman was the biggest mistake of my life. I just hope for what it's worth, we can earn back the time we've lost.
Now for my next step.
I roll over in bed, taking the phone off the receiver. I stare at the buttons, taking a deep breath as I punch in the numbers I know by heart. The number that's been ingrained in me since I was seven years old. My finger twirls around the spiral cord, watching it suction against my skin as I listen to the loud ringing.
"Roman?" My mom's voice comes over the phone, surprised. Happy.
"Hi, Mom." Tears spring to my eyes, the sheets below me fill with tear-shaped droplets.
Her sharp intake of breath, followed by a small cry, "Luna?" she cries. "Oh my gosh! Charlie, Luna's on the phone!"
I hear shuffling as I try to quiet my cries. A moment later, I hear another phone pick up.
"Luna? Is that you, baby?"
"Hi, Daddy," I cry, a smile splitting across my face.
"Luna? Where are you? Are you with Roman?"
I nod my head. "No. I mean, yes, but he's at work right now. I am in New York, though."
My mom starts crying hysterically, and I can hear my dad calming her down from the other end of the phone. It breaks my heart, tears me in half. I did this. I did this to my parents.
"When… when did you get there?" Dad asks, tears in his voice.
"Yesterday. Roman got me a ticket." I wipe my face with my sheets, feeling overwhelmed with too many emotions.
"I don't understand. Goldie says you guys haven't spoken in years. How did you get ahold of him?"
There's no way I can possibly tell them what happened in Hawaii. They would fall to pieces. They would never forgive themselves, even though not an inch of it is their fault. They mean too much to me. I will not break their hearts.
"I was just ready to come home. I called Nora… I'm sorry I didn't call sooner."
"Home…" my mom's voice trails off.
A pinch in my chest stings, and I rub away the pain. I know home is Wisconsin. It will always be my home. But they also have to know, home is wherever Roman Hall is.
"Roman…"
"We know, Luna. We know," my dad says, and it only makes another flood of tears trail down my cheeks. I tear the phone away from my ear, burying my face in the crook of my arm.
They know. They've always known.
Everyone has.
"I'm so glad you're back with him. I'm so happy, Luna. You don't know how happy this makes me," my mom cries.
I want to crawl through the phone and hug my mom. I want to wrap them both in my arms and hold them tight.
"I'm so sorry—I'm so sorry for these last few years. You guys didn't deserve that from me. I wish… I wish I could take it all back."
My dad hushes me through the phone. "The only thing that matters is that you're back now. It'll give us an excuse to come to New York."
"I'd love that. I can't wait to see you." I smile into the phone.
"So, tell me. What's next for you, Luna?" my mom asks.
I bite my lip, debating whether or not I should tell them. But I know more than anything, they were some of my biggest supporters growing up, and nothing will make them happier. "I think I'm going to go down to
Julliard."
My mom starts up a whole new round of crying. I can hear her pull the phone away from her ear, her sobs so emotional and so damn sad.
"Do you think they'll take you? After all these years?" my dad asks, much more collected this time.
I shrug, twirling my hair around my finger. "I don't know. But I'd like to try. If they don't… well, I guess that's my own mistake I'll have to live with. I'll find something else. But I want to at least try."
"Have you danced? All this time, have you danced at all?" my mom asks.
I bite my lip, this part making me nervous. No, I haven't danced. Not ballet. Though, I know I'm still flexible, I don't know if I have it in me to be a professional anymore. "I haven't."
"Let me look around for some studios you can practice in. I'll find you a place where you can get a new leotard, too. Will you be there for a while? I can call you back soon." Excitement builds in her tone, and I smile, thinking back to all those years ago. She was always excited when it came to my dancing. She always knew I had a skill, something better than many other people had. I was far more advanced than the dancers my age. I've always been that way. And she loved experiencing that with me.
"I can stick around if you want to look and call me back." I pull the sheets back, stretching my legs as I slide my feet to the ground.
"Okay, but wait! I don't want you to go yet. Can we talk for a bit? I missed your voice."
I slide to the ground, my butt hitting the floor and my back hitting the side of the bed. I want to talk to them, too, but I don't want to tell them about my journey. There were many good moments, but right now, the bad has tainted the good.
I only want the good.
I think my mom notices this. "We don't need to hear about your travels, Luna. Talk about anything. Tell me about Roman. It's been so long since we've seen him. How is he doing?" That brings tears to my eyes. Roman was just as much of a child to my parents as I was. And my parents were just as much parents to him as his own parents were. We're one large family, really.
I tell them about Roman. I tell them about the bits I've seen of New York City, and how beautiful and chaotic it looks. I tell them about his apartment, how messy it was when I walked in. I tell them about how we talked into the middle of the night, catching up on anything and everything.
I talk to them until my voice is hoarse. And then we talk some more.
"Thank you." I hand the cabbie some money, shutting the door behind me. I look up at the giant building before me, a little nervous, a little excited. Not sure if I should really go in there, but now is my chance, and if I walk away, I don't know if I'll ever be back.
I took a shower at Roman's, and by the time I was getting out, my mom was already calling me again with all the details I needed for my day. She gave me the addresses to a few studios and places that had dance uniforms. She made me promise I'd call her when I got home to tell her how my day went.
Once I was ready, I grabbed the key from the kitchen table and the small stack of money Roman left me, and I headed out.
Now I'm here.
At Julliard. My dream.
With a deep breath, I walk up the steps that are so long they could fit a school bus, and into the school. My eyes want to water, but I blink them away, biting my lip as I walk up to the front desk. My sandals echo in the vast area, and I suddenly wish I would’ve gone shopping with this money to get something nice to wear before coming here.
"How can I help you?" the woman behind the front desk asks.
"Can I… can I sit down and talk to someone?"
She looks confused, her eyebrows furrowing.
"I'm sorry. My name is Luna Lewis. I used to dance a few years ago, and my dance instructor was Leona Ivanov. She used to work here—"
"I know who Leona Ivanov is." She laughs awkwardly.
I blink at her. "Okay. Well, I was going to get a scholarship here, and I kind of screwed that up, but I was wondering if I could talk to someone about maybe auditioning, or how I can try to get admittance here?"
She blinks back at me this time. A little unsure on how to proceed. Her red fingernail taps against the desk.
"Is there anyone I can talk to?" I bite my lip, worried she's about to turn me away. Call security or something.
Did I really blow my chance?
She must see the panicked look on my face, the tears in my eyes. She stands from her chair, giving me a small smile. "I'll be right back."
"Thank you." I blink away my tears, stepping back and watching her walk away. She heads down the hall, out of sight. I turn around, looking at the tall ceilings. The glass walls that show the city. The expensive interior, the high-end tiled floors. Everything is extravagant. Everything is beautiful.
I want this so bad.
"Ms. Lewis?" I turn around, seeing a woman walking up to me in a pressed pantsuit. Her hair is pulled back into a tight bun, her thin limbs long and delicate.
"Yes?" I ask, suddenly nervous.
"Come with me, please."
I follow her, her heels clapping on the tiled floor while my worn sandals slap against my feet. I really should've done more before coming here. Done my hair, even, instead of just washing it and brushing it with Roman’s flimsy black comb.
At least I brushed my teeth.
We walk into a grand office, the windows behind her looking out onto the beautiful city of New York. She points to a seat in front of a desk. "Sit down, please."
I do as she asks, pulling the chair up to the edge of the desk. I cross my leg over the other, then uncross my legs, sliding my hands between my thighs. It's chilly in here, and goosebumps break out along my arms.
"Luna Lewis," she says, sitting down at her desk. She slides glasses on her nose, perching them on the edge and looking at me over the top of them. She has a file on her desk, and her thin fingers tap over the top of it. “My name is Ms. Ramy, I’m the Admissions Director and one of the teachers here at Julliard.”
"Hi." I smile. "I know this might be weird, but I dance with—"
She puts up a hand, and my eyes go wide, stopping mid-sentence.
"I know exactly who you are, Luna."
My jaw goes slack. "You do?"
She smiles, albeit slightly stiff. "Yes, I do. I am very good friends with Leona. We have spoken about you for years. She told me many times about her star dancer from a small town in Wisconsin. How she would dance over every building in New York City. She said you would put the dancers here to shame. I didn't believe her, but then she showed me tapes of you."
Tapes? I had no idea she taped me.
She nods, as if she could read my thoughts. "Yes, and I was quite surprised to see she was right. You had a great talent, Luna. Something not many people are born with. But, when she called and told me you'd quit dancing, it broke not only her heart, but all of ours as well. We had hoped to have you here. But you never came, Luna, and it's been years. So, tell me, why are you here now?"
Words can't form. I had no idea I made such a big impact, that the domino effect of my life has led us here, to this point now.
I've blown it all.
I take a deep breath, spilling everything on the table. "I, um, I went through some stuff a few years back, and it took me a while, but I'm here now. This," I say, looking around, "is where I've always wanted to be. This has been my biggest dream, for as long as I could have them. I know I was in the wrong, and I don't even deserve a chance here at this point, but I still want one. Whatever it will take, I will do it. I want this, so badly." A tear springs to my eye, and I wipe it away. But the woman in front of me sees it, and her face softens, just a little.
She opens her file, and I see my name at the top. My scholarship. She flips through, skimming a few pages before slamming the file shut. Looking up at me once again, she levels me a look. "Like I said, Leona is a dear friend of mine."
I nod.
"And I know you have it in you to be here. Have you danced lately?"
I cringe, shaking my head.
>
She blows out a breath. A disappointed breath. "Unfortunately, you just missed our auditions for this year. You’ll have to wait until next September. But maybe that’s a good thing. You can practice, get back into dancing. You come back here in one year with a routine. You dance in front of our panel. We will not be generous. You come with everything you’ve got, and if you're good enough, then the scholarship is yours."
I bite my lip, then lick it. But it's no use, bowing my head toward my chest, I let out a silent sob, covering my hands with my face. My palms grow a pool of tears, and my chest fills with the most gratitude in the entire world.
This is it. This is really happening.
Once I gain my bearings, I lift my head, wiping my eyes. "Thank you. Thank you so much." I smile, tears streaming down my face. It's useless to attempt to wipe them away.
She smiles. "I'll see you in one year, Luna Lewis. Please don't disappoint me."
"I won’t. I promise, I won’t." I stand up, leaning over her desk to shake her hand. I walk out, when she calls my name.
She looks me up and down from head to toe. A small amount of irritation and disgust is in her eyes. "I expect you have been through a lot, but when you come back, I'm hoping your appearance will be much more… up to the standards for what we expect here?"
I run my hand through my hair, which has been air dried and lays in a mess down my back. Roman's bathroom was seriously lacking the necessities.
"Yes, I'm sorry. This isn't… I won't come back like this. I'm sorry."
She nods, taking me for my word.
I give her one more smile, and then I'm off. Excitement building in my chest. I feel like I'm going to explode.
I can't wait to tell Roman.
With two bags in hand, I walk back into Roman's apartment. The moment I open his wooden door, a waft of Roman hits me in the face. I smile, even though the apartment is empty. This place is a part of him, filled with bits and pieces of his life. I could stay in this apartment forever and be happy, surrounded by everything Roman.