“I’d just as soon not. I just need some time to get it out of my head.”
I stepped back. “Okay. Fair enough. I’ll be downstairs icing the cake.”
He ran the towel over the back of his neck. Before I got to the door, I looked back at him. “Oh, I meant to ask, do you want to be Winnie or Tigger? Becca wants us to dress up with her, and I’m going to grab some fabric while I’m out tomorrow.”
He shook his head, wrapping the towel around his waist. “You know…just do whatever you want. I probably won’t be able to do it anyway. I’ll end up working.”
“Well, we can go a different day if you have to work. I just plan to take her to my parents’ or—”
“That’s your thing, Nae, not mine. I don’t want to dress up.”
“It’s not my thing. It’s our daughter’s thing. Don’t you want to be a part of her childhood? These are the memories, Lucas. Right here. These are the things she’ll remember, and if you aren’t a part of them, she’ll always know that and wonder why.”
He groaned, patting his thigh. “Oh, great. Here we go. I haven’t been home a half hour, and already you’re in on me.”
“In on you?”
“You always do this, Naomi. According to you, I’m never doing enough. Not making enough money, not present enough of the time, not nice enough when I am home, not firm enough with Becca, not playful enough with her, not enough. Not ever. When are you going to realize I’m not you? Try as I might, I’m never going to be you.”
I blinked, surprised when my eyes began stinging with tears. “I…I never asked you to be me, Lucas. You know how much being a parent means to me. You know how badly I want to give Becca what I never had.”
“Yeah, I know,” he huffed. “Because life as Naomi freakin’ Roberts was just so terrible. All the money in the world while some of us were barely scraping by—”
“Money isn’t love, Lucas.” This was a fight we’d had before…so many times. He blamed me for growing up privileged and wealthy—despite the fact that my parents were never around—because he grew up poor, with an addict for a mother. “Money doesn’t buy happiness. We’ve discussed this.”
“Yes. Yes, we’ve discussed it, alright. ’Til I’m blue in the face, but that doesn’t change the facts. You may not have always felt loved, Nae, but you were always safe. You were always protected. That’s all I want to give Becca—”
“She’ll always be safe, though. You don’t have to fight so hard for that.” I reached for his arm, but he pulled away, grabbing boxers from his dresser drawer and throwing them on.
“Yeah, because your family provides for us. But I don’t want that, don’t you understand? I want to provide for my daughter, my family. Do you have any idea how embarrassing it is that your family’s money is still paying off my student loans because I don’t make enough to afford the life we live?” He pulled a T-shirt over his head angrily.
“We have more money than we could ever need. Being a surgeon was what you wanted, Lucas, but you can’t fault me for giving Becca everything she’s entitled to. What would you rather me do? Pretend we don’t have access to money? Pretend to live within the means you provide us with?”
“The means I provide us with are a hell of a lot more than I had as a child.”
“So our child should do without?”
“You mean like I did?”
“You’ve said yourself you hated your childhood—”
“I did, Naomi!” He slammed a fist on the dresser. After he’d pulled on pants, he sank onto the edge of the bed, pulling on tennis shoes. “That’s exactly the point. And I want to be the reason we aren’t in a similar situation. I want it to be me.”
“Well, I guess you married the wrong woman, then. You knew I came from money when we dated, when you asked me to marry you. If my finances are such a burden to you, by all means, leave now. Because I can’t continue to apologize for having more than you did. I’m sorry, but I can’t.” I folded my arms across my chest, feeling hurt and angry. I was tired of having the same fight over and over. I was tired of feeling guilty because he wasn’t satisfied with the income he was making compared to the enormous debt he was in when we met. I was tired of apologizing for giving Becca more than he had as a child.
He stared at me, shocked by my outburst. It was rare I stood up to him, but apparently forty was bringing out a whole new side of me. I inhaled sharply, my chest rising and falling.
“Fine,” he said. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe this whole thing was a mistake.”
I stayed silent, suddenly unable to find the words to say anything in response. He couldn’t be serious. What had happened at work to put him in this bad of a mood?
“I’m going to go back to the hospital for the night. I can’t…I can’t be here.”
“Lucas, wait…” It was my birthday, I wanted to remind him. Instead, he continued to walk, and I made no further attempt to stop him. My husband’s shadow disappeared down the hall, and I listened to his footsteps traveling down the stairs and out the front door. When it slammed, I let out a heavy sob just as Becca’s voice carried down the hall.
“Mom?”
Chapter Eleven
Clara
When I walked into the locker room, Luke was already there, his hair messy with sleep, and he had a mug of coffee in his hand.
“I thought you weren’t in this morning?” I asked, looking at my watch. He wasn’t scheduled for surgery for a few hours, but I wouldn’t tell him I knew that down to the minute.
He shook his head, taking a sip of the coffee and releasing a loud breath. “I came in late last night and crashed in the on-call room.”
I looked over at the few other doctors around the room, surprised he’d admit that so openly. It was generally frowned upon to use the on-call rooms unless you were actually on call. “Did you get called in for a surgery?”
He stood and moved toward me as I hung my purse and jacket in my locker. “Nah, long story. Naomi and I got into it, and I just needed to get out of there. I was hoping to get a surgery to take my mind off it, but that didn’t happen.”
“Why didn’t you call me?” I asked, lowering my voice even more. “You know you could’ve come over. My bed is much more comfortable than the on-call bed. You know that.”
He tugged at a piece of my hair. “I know. I didn’t want to bother you. It was late.”
“Luke,” I said, huffing out a breath. “You’re always welcome at my house. It’s why you have a key. Even if I’m not home, if you need somewhere to go, you go.” I stared at him until he met my eye, but he finally did. “Deal?”
“Deal.”
I wanted to kiss him, but I resisted the urge. “Do you want to come by tonight? Let things cool down at home?”
He pressed his lips together. “I work late.”
“So? Come by when you get done. I’ll be there.”
He nodded, his expression filling with warmth. “Are you sure you want me there?”
“I always want you there,” I said, and it was the truth. He smiled.
“Okay, thanks. I’ll come by.”
With that, he cupped my jaw and rubbed a thumb across my cheek quickly, his touch warm on my skin. He pulled his hand away as quickly as he placed it there and headed from the room. I grabbed my scrubs, my body pulsing with energy and adrenaline. Oh, what that man does to me…
I heard him coming through the front door, and though the apartment had been dark for hours, I was far from asleep. I’d been waiting anxiously like I was a teenager preparing for my first sleepover with a boy. It was always like that with Luke. Twelve years in, and every moment with him felt like the first time.
I listened as his footsteps carried across the apartment, hearing him easing himself into the bedroom. I sat up with a light, easy smile, pretending he’d woken me.
“What time is it?” I asked, as if I hadn’t been staring at the clock for the past hour, counting down until he was there… And half wondering if he would be.
<
br /> “Just past eleven,” he whispered, pulling his scrubs off and tossing them to the floor. He opened the bathroom door and walked in, stark naked. I couldn’t stop my eyes from traveling down the length of his body and back up again. He turned on the walk-in shower and looked himself over in the mirror. He was always doing that—checking himself out like he was God’s gift to women. It made me feel guilty for doing the same. At least one of us should have their head on straight about his beauty…and it wasn’t going to be him. It was one of the reasons we butted heads when I first started working.
He glanced over at me, obviously appreciating my stares, and his brows shot up. He grinned. “Wanna join me?”
I climbed from the bed without much coaxing, trying to hide the growing smile on my lips. “How was work?”
“I don’t want to think about that right now,” he said, shaking his head as he lifted the silk nightgown over mine. His eyes trailed down my body. There was a time when I was so embarrassed and self-conscious about the way I looked, sagging here and there, wrinkles where they weren’t before, but with Luke, I was so comfortable now that I didn’t care. He knew every inch of me. He knew where I was ticklish and where my body dimpled. He knew the ways I like to be touched.
He pulled my hand, dragging me into the shower and directly under the spraying water with him, oblivious to anything else. We kissed in the shower like two teenagers kissing in the rain. It was fearless, passionate, and carefree in a way I’d never been loved by anyone but him.
He cupped my neck, his long fingers wrapped in my hair as he sank further into my kiss. Kissing him was like breathing—so easy and instinctual I wanted to do very little else when I was with him. He ran his lips across my jawline, and I let out a moan. I’d never felt this good—not with anyone else, not even close.
“I love you,” I whispered, my body hot with desire as the steam billowed around us.
“I love you, too,” he said, his hands moving to explore my body. I could lose myself with him. Sometimes, I think I already had. Very little else mattered to me when he was around. For so long, my friends and parents had questioned why I stayed with someone who refused to commit in a serious way, but the fact was, I didn’t need commitment when I had Luke. It sounded crazy, believe me I know, but being with him was the easiest thing in the world. However I could have him, that was how I would. I followed his timetable. When you were my age, that was what you did. So many men were afraid to settle down. They were set in their ways, and there was very little you could do to bring them out of it. With Luke, he bent me to my breaking point but knew just when to give. It was intoxicating. His love made me feel alive, and wasn’t that worth a little risk?
“Where’s your head?” he asked, pulling away from me with concern, and I realized I’d been thinking so much I’d stopped reacting to what he was doing.
I shook my head, rubbing my eyes. “Sorry,” I said. “I’m just…nothing. Still half asleep, I guess.” I grabbed at his face, trying to continue what I interrupted, but his hands left my body and I knew he didn't believe me. He knew me too well.
“Something’s bothering you.” He seemed almost hesitant to ask.
“I…I just hate that you stayed at the hospital and didn’t come here last night,” I said, grimacing. I really, really didn’t want to fight.
“I know I should’ve come here, but I just hate showing up unannounced, and I didn’t want to call you and wake you up.”
“You’re always welcome here, Luke. You know this place is as much yours as it is mine. We picked out everything here, including the actual apartment, together. Why do you still walk on eggshells about it?”
“I just want to be respectful,” he said, and I saw a muscle in his jaw twinge.
“I know that, but you don’t have to be. That’s the whole point. If I had it up to me, you’d live here with me, or I with you. You mean so much to me, Luke. Don’t you know that?”
“I do,” he conceded. “Of course, I do.” His hand slipped around mine, our fingers lacing together as he stared at me.
“So, you’ll come to me next time? Instead of staying at the hospital?”
“Who’s to say there’ll be a next time?” He was avoiding the question, as usual.
“There’s always a next time,” I said. We both knew it was true. His sister was difficult to live with, at best, and the two seemed to fight more often than not. I didn’t understand how someone in her predicament could be so ungrateful for all Luke had done for her. He was a better person than I was.
He sucked in a sharp breath. “Fine, next time I’ll come here. I promise.”
I nodded, accepting the small victory, but knowing it wasn’t what I truly wanted to hear. “You know this place is yours, too…whenever you need it.”
He kissed me gently, but there was a coldness there that wasn’t present before. “I know.”
Why couldn’t he need it now? Why couldn’t he want it now? Was my place not good enough for him? He chose it. I picked this apartment instead of the one I preferred, the one closer to downtown and work, because he had such strong opinions about that particular one. “I—I mean, you can stay here any time, permanently even.” My gaze drifted to the floor as I spoke, the words coming out too fast. “Or…you know, I could stay with you some. Maybe having some help with Naomi and Becca would make things easier for you. Relieve some stress…”
His stance was stiff as he looked me over and, suddenly, I wasn’t feeling as confident in the way I appeared to him. I crossed an arm over my naked stomach, drawing his eyes back up to me. “You don’t have to—”
“I’ve actually been thinking a lot—” We spoke at the same time then stopped, and he laughed, rubbing a hand across the back of his neck.
“Go ahead,” I said.
“I’ve actually been thinking a lot about that. About…you know, moving in with each other.”
My heart flipped in my chest. Is he serious? If this was a joke, it was incredibly cruel. “You have?”
His eyes brightened, the tension leaving his shoulders in an instant as heat rose in my chest. “Yeah,” he said. “I think it’s something we should really consider. I mean, not right now, of course. I’ll have to get Naomi settled somewhere new, somewhere close by, so I can keep an eye on her and still help with Bec when needed, but it’s time that I moved on with my own life, right?”
I touched his chest, my heart fluttering as I stared into his dark eyes. It felt like my chest could burst with joy. “Yes, you deserve it, Luke. Oh, you really do.” I leaned into him, hugging his wet torso. It took an extra second for his arms to fold around me, his cheek resting against my scalp. He took a deep, thoughtful breath, our bodies moving together as we stood there, just existing together for the longest time.
I’d never been so happy, but I couldn’t help wondering if he felt the same. Based on his silence the rest of the night, I didn’t think so.
Chapter Twelve
Alaina
Knock, knock, knock. I felt the thumps rather than heard them and pulled off my headphones, staring at the clock. He’s early. I grabbed the envelope of cash on the entertainment center and crossed the room, shoving the paintbrush into the pocket of my apron. I swung open the door and gaped at him—the wrong him.
“What are you doing here?”
“Can I come in?” Lucas asked, eyeing the envelope. “Expecting someone else?”
I nodded. “Mr. Andino.” My landlord. “It’s the first.”
He stepped across the threshold and into my living room. “If you pay with a check, it helps keep things straight and you have proof it was paid.”
“I prefer cash,” I said stiffly. It was just like Lucas to correct such a menial task. His way was always the best. Truth was, Mr. Andino was the best landlord I’d ever had. If he requested payments in cash, it was no problem for me. I’d never be able to tell Lucas that—he’d surely pick apart my landlord’s motives for needing all cash payments, motives I cared nothing about. We were all
just trying to get by.
His shoulders rose and fell with a heavy, weighted breath. “I’m sorry about the way I handled things the other day.”
I glanced down at my paint-stained fingertips and picked at the paint underneath my fingernails, refusing to meet his eye. I won’t give in this time. I wouldn’t. “Okay.”
“Are you, er, I mean, are we…okay?”
My vision narrowed at him, my arms tossed down at my sides. “Do you have an answer for me?”
His jaw locked, and I caught the tiniest hint of a smile, my stomach turning to stone in an instant. “I…look, I want to make it up to you.”
“That’s not an answer, Lucas.” I crossed my arms as I watched him. I could nearly see the wheels turning in his head as he tried to think his way out of the mess he’d made, but I wouldn’t let him. “Why did you even come here?”
“I wanted to make it up to you,” he said, still not telling me what I wanted to hear. I stared at him, waiting. “I thought maybe we could go out of town for the night. I’m off today and tomorrow, so we could go for a hike up at Rock Island, maybe? You could bring your supplies and paint the sunset.”
My heart fluttered at the idea, though I struggled to maintain my composure. “Why would we do that?”
He stepped toward me, and there was a pull from somewhere deep inside my stomach. I wanted to hate him, but I couldn’t. I wanted to resist him, but I wouldn’t. “Because I feel bad for what happened. I’d had a rough day at work, but I shouldn’t have taken it out on you. I’m allowed to have an off-day, right?” His tone was light, but I knew what he was doing. He wanted me to admit I was wrong for snapping like I had, that this was all somehow my fault.
“You have to decide if you want this…all of this. Me. This baby. You have to decide, Lucas. I can’t make the decision for you, and I can’t keep going without knowing what you—”
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