“I love you too Daddy,” I said and gave him a hug, “I better get ready for school,” I said and let go to leave. He held my hand in his grasp.
“You get more beautiful every day honey,” he said, his voice shaking but he was trying not to cry.
“And older,” I added, lightening the mood.
“Yeah that too, now go get ready for school and learn something. Tonight, we will do something just the two of us,” he promised. It used to be the three of us, dad, James, and I. James was always with me, he’d even come and sleep over at Gran’s with me sometimes, we used to do everything together but now it was just me and dad or Gran and I. Don’t let thoughts of James ruin your day, I decided and began my walk to school.
I said good morning to Mrs. Becker and then went to my seat, there was only a couple of us in class this early. I thought about the day before and how shocked James had looked when I told him that it wasn’t me who had called the cops on him. I remembered that night a little better now. I was driving home and I passed James in his new car that he had gotten a few months before. He was so happy when his parents had bought the car for his sixteenth birthday. He had always loved to drive and loved cars, he even had a countdown until he could get his learner’s permit. So, as I was passing by James, I noticed him swerving in and out of his lane and then he almost hit me, he and his friends were all laughing and shouting, and some even had a beer in their hand. I knew he was drunk right away, which was weird because James didn’t even really like beer. I panicked, having flashbacks of broken glass, sirens, and the funeral. I picked up my phone and quickly dialed, not knowing what to do and called June’s cell. She answered on the second ring and I was already hysterical.
“Don’t worry Mickey, I’ll take care of it, just calm down,” she said, trying to act tough for the both of us. By the time I got to my house I was past hysterics, I was hyperventilating and I couldn’t breathe. Dad brought me to the hospital when I fainted from having not enough oxygen and then the rest is blank. They told me James was okay but he’d been arrested and wouldn’t be allowed to drive for two years. I was crushed, I knew how much his car and license meant to him.
When James came in and took a seat, he completely ignored me and started to talk to Cody, it was like he still hated me, I just didn’t know why. I’d been silly enough to hope that with this newfound knowledge he’d be over his hatred of me but clearly my hopes were in vain. He finally looked at me and whispered.
“It was June.” His voice was so low, I had to lean in to hear him.
“I know,” I told him, I had come to that realization last night. I watched his face become shocked again. He didn’t say anything else until Mrs. Becker told us we could use the last fifteen minutes to work on our project. Cody and Anne passed out the folders that held each group’s work in it.
“It’s your turn,” he said and pulled out my list to pick a word and write down all I had to say. I nodded unhappily, I didn’t want it to be my turn.
“Your last turn doesn’t count because it was wrong,” I said, even though I didn’t want to say it, I had to stall for time, I couldn’t explain the word waiting for me on my list. He thought about it and then reluctantly agreed. I took his paper and got my pencil ready.
“Betrayal?” I asked curiously.
“My sister, she called the cops on me and let me believe it was you. Learning that made me pissed and fucking angry. I can’t believe I’ve lived with a liar. Knowing that she could lie to me and live with me, that hurts,” he said, the anger clear in his voice. I wrote it all down but changed fucking angry to very angry.
“Jealousy,” he said, calculating my expression, I felt my face get hot under his gaze.
“I was once jealous of this girl. I never really knew her and I never really liked her but I was jealous of her. Not for her looks, even though she was pretty, not for her personality or friends, not her wealth but there was one thing she had, that I was dreamed of having and wanted. Every time I saw her with it, I felt sick, with disgust, anger and jealousy.”
“You never said who and what you were jealous of,” James said, looking bored.
“And you left out a lot too,” I defended. He merely shrugged his shoulders, not seeming to care. The bell rang shortly after and I was grateful he didn’t have the chance to ask me another question, I still felt embarrassed from the last.
“What’s up?” Em asked in Science, which I had right after English.
“Nothing, why?” Did I look funny or something? She was giving me an odd look and studying my face.
“You, look-” Funny, ugly, weird? “Different,” she decided. What’s that mean?
“Good or bad?” I asked uncertainly.
“Neither. Just your face is little red and your smile is off. Did something happen, you look like you did when you tried to draw a cat and Christina asked if it was supposed to be a mouse,” she summarized. Yeah, that was embarrassing and I had worked so hard on that cat. I sucked at drawing.
“Oh,” I said simply, feeling more embarrassed.
“Spill,” Em said, putting her hand on her hip.
“Just in English class, Mrs. Becker’s making us tell basically our secrets to someone so they can write them down, it’s really lame,” I told her. She nodded understandingly.
“I got that too, it really sucks,” she agreed.
“Tiffany go sit with Mike.” Mrs. Storppe ordered. What? That was almost as bad as being with James. Almost and that was beyond horrid. Tiffany rolled her beautiful multicoloured blue and turquois contacts and strutted to the chair beside me, shaking her booty as much as she could, looking grim, like this was the worst possible punishment. She sat down, the heavy buckle on her Chanel bag hitting the desk as she dropped it purposefully. I admired her fake French manicured nails and then she quickly whispered to me, “Stalker.” Excuse me! I wanted to punch her in the face, so instead of doing that which would have definitely got me suspended, I whispered back, smiling as sweetly as possible, “Bitch.” Her eyes widened in surprise. I guess she was not used to it being a two-way street. If you can’t take it, don’t dish it. I found her surprise really hard to believe considering everyone called her a bitch behind her back; her friends, her boyfriends and most shockingly, even some of the teachers! I guess I was the first to tell her face to face, which I found very surprising.
“I can’t believe you just said that to me,” she stated, her voice shrill with anger and hurt.
“I can’t believe no one’s said it sooner,” I told her, feigning horror. Her face was dismayed, maybe I shouldn’t have said it, but oh well it was too late now.
“I can’t believe you said that,” she repeated sounding quite upset.
“I’m an honest person. Yeah, I know we’re hard to come by with all your snobby, wannabe, ass-kissing friends,” I filled in triumphantly. Feeling on a roll, I couldn’t stop with all the pent-up anger I had.
“Stalker,” Was all she had in reply. I laughed at her, that was all she could come up with.
“You know just as well as I, that I am no stalker.” She frowned at that.
“Yeah, what about James?” she said, sounding less convinced now.
“If anyone were to stalk James, I’d be the last,” I told her. I knew she believed me but didn’t want to.
“I know,” she admitted finally, surprising me. My mouth opened, echoing my shock.
“Don’t look so shocked, I’m not stupid, it’s obvious that you hate James and after what he did to you, I don’t blame you but you used to be friends,” she said. She’d heard the fight, she was there and she had even told him what to do, she was a big part of it.
“He changed.” Or he realized what he could have, I just didn’t fit into that equation. Either way he ended everything between us.
“I remember what he said and it was mean and I know mean.” She was right it was mean, more than mean but they had all gotten what they wanted and it still didn’t stop them from picking on me. The bell rang and we
got up.
“Don’t tell anyone I talked to you or I’ll tell them you’re stalking me too,” she threatened with a smile; I was wondering where the bitch went.
“Don’t worry I’ll just tell them you’re a bitch and I’d never talk to you willingly.” That made her smile for real.
“Back at you, stalker,” she said and left. Em came to see me at the end of class, looking very curious.
“What happened?” she asked, nodding in the direction Tiffany had gone.
“Nothing, Tiffany’s a bitch,” I told her flatly and Emily nodded in agreement. Or was she? Popular people were always posers.
James
Who was Mickey jealous of and what? It was driving me insane! Michaela never got jealous. I tried to act casual, like I didn’t care at all and like it made no difference to me, whether I knew or not because I hated her and didn’t care, but it was all an act. I wanted to shake the answer out of her when she didn’t give in.
Everyone was wondering why I was acting so odd. My parents, my teachers, my so-called friends and even random people in class were noticing, the only person who remained oblivious and I kept the act on for was Mickey. Laura, Ali’s best friend or ex-best friend now, sat with me and was trying to be my new girlfriend. It was obvious as she flirted shamelessly with me. She went as far as asking and normally she remained quiet, she was more of an action girl. At lunch she sat herself down on my lap and in a sad voice, asked me what was wrong and what she could do to make it better. Later in the day, Laura began to kiss my neck, which I didn’t appreciate. Unlike Ali, her kisses weren’t slobbery, they were drier. I didn’t know what the right kiss was supposed to feel like but I still hadn’t found it. I remember my first kiss, I was eight and I’d given Mickey a bracelet I’d made for her, it was her birthday and we’d had our stuffed crepes and we were waiting to go to school together. She put it on loving it and then gave me a kiss, it wasn’t on the lips or anything, just the cheek but it was enough to make me all nervous and flustered, my first kiss. I remember the rush I felt whenever Mickey kissed me; cheek, hand, head or when she’d brush the hair out of my eyes, there was always an intensity when we were close, like everything was magnified and I felt more aware of the little things, like the nice weather or the sounds of nature or I’d feel the complete opposite and feel like we were the only two in the world and as long as she was smiling and happy, nothing else mattered. I hadn’t felt that way in a long time. Thinking about the way Mickey made me feel gave me shivers. I remember the day I ended everything we ever had and how when I was leaving her and walking back to the car, she threw her bracelet at me. It was the first time I’d ever seen her take it off, it hit my back but I kept walking leaving on the ground. The next morning, I went back out and searched for it and once I found it, I took it to my room and hid it in the bottom of one of my messy drawers.
“Team two against team four,” Mrs. Larson instructed, making my heart beat faster. That was Michaela’s team.
“Bro, looks like we’re against you, may the better brother win.” Cody smiled cockily and slapped my back. Michaela started with the ball and I knew this would be fun. She was terrible at basketball, I always found it amusing because she tried so hard and still, she sucked. She dribbled the ball towards the net avoiding anyone near, biting her lip as she walked, concentrating. She normally bit her lip if she was concentrating or nervous. Sarah tried to steal the ball, but Mickey quickly threw it to Cody who was closest to her. She looked relieved when she wasn’t holding the ball but she soon got it back when Lloyd passed it back to her. I walked in front of her and looked down, she was still short, about 5’3” now, I looked down at her and watched her eyes widen. She slowly backed up and then Sarah stole the ball, succeeding this time and catching Mickey by surprise. I guess it wasn’t fair of me to get that close and make her uncomfortable, my chest was practically touching hers. Derek stayed at her side from then on, acting as her unofficial basketball guardian. It made me mad to the point, where when Sam passed her the ball, I ran up to her and every time she moved, I moved with her and blocked her exit. Finally, she passed the ball to someone else but still I stuck by her, blocking and following her feet. She was clearly angry.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” she whispered, grabbing my arms and walking around me. The feel of her hands on my arms made them tingle. I didn’t know what was wrong with me but I couldn’t stop. I probably shouldn’t have done what I did next but I did.
“You’re still the same to me as you were then,” I said, my voice sounding cold and hurtful. Her eyes got glassy. “Your new look can’t change that,” I continued. I didn’t mean it in a hurtful way at all, on the contrary, I was trying to tell her how I felt the same about her as I did when we were together, I just didn’t want her to hear it that way. Man, had I turned into a jerk.
“Go away,” she said soft and vulnerably but I didn’t leave.
“James get away from her,” Derek said protectively and put his arm around her waist and smiled down at her. The sight of them together made me sick, so I did leave and stayed with Tiffany for the rest of the game. She didn’t play for fear of ruining her hair or breaking a nail.
“What was that?” she asked, nodding at Mickey and Derek, his arm still around her waist.
“Nothing,” I said frowning.
“Looked to me like you were chasing her,” she said bluntly.
“Me chase Michaela!” I scoffed, “No, more like the other way around.” I hoped she’d believe me but she didn’t look convinced or even close to it, but on the bright side she didn’t say anything else to me about it.
Laura came up to me at the end of gym class and asked,
“Are we doing anything this weekend?” Her voice was a little rough.
“No, I’m busy.” I lied. She looked sad at that. “But maybe Saturday night,” I told her which made her brown eyes twinkle with delight.
“Dude, I think Michaela is going out with Derek,” Cody gossiped in the locker room with us all listening in. They all loved gossip and to gossip. I wasn’t surprised by this but it did make me mad, furious.
“Really? She’s a stalker,” Neil said in disbelief. I felt bad for spreading that rumour.
“She is really pretty though, now that she’s thin and her skin is nice,” John said, being new to the in-crowd and still nice but that would change soon enough, they’d make him sell his soul.
“She has a good pair of jugs.” Brad grinned, I slapped him upside the head. “Dude,” he said upset. We may be enemies but still, I couldn’t tolerate that.
“You’re disgusting.” I didn’t know what else to say but I didn’t like them talking about her that way, not one bit, it made my blood boil.
“To me she’ll always be the fat girl,” Cody said. We all nodded in agreement. “Oh guys, here’s the list of stuff we have to do before we graduate,” Cody said giving us each one and keeping one for himself. “All the guys have them already.” He announced, talking about the other popular or considered cool guys. I started to read the list: get hammered, something illegal, cheat on a girl, have sex, party hard, flirt with a loser and last, break her heart. Wow, this list was written by a loser, for a bunch of losers! It was so lame.
“Well I’ve almost finished the list already.” I chuckled, feeling like the biggest loser here. Cody looked up and laughed at that,
“Yeah, you did,” he agreed, smirking.
“Getting hammered, partying too hard, arrested…” I named off a few.
“Yeah, not to mention sex, you got a lot of that with Ali, right? And flirting with a loser like Michaela!” Neil concluded.
“Ali would beg me, she was always trying to get in my pants,” I told them rolling my eyes.
“Was she any good?” Neil asked practically drooling.
“Not even with all the experience.” I chuckled and lied, they all enjoyed that and laughed along.
“Looks like all you have to do is break a heart.” Cody laughed.
&nb
sp; I walked behind Michaela all the way home and admired the shape of her round sculpted ass and how it swayed naturally with each step. There wasn’t too much of a sway, like most of the girls at school did, trying too hard. But then again, she never was like most girls, she was different, special, she was my kind of girl, as unique as her gorgeous multicolored eyes. Mickey looked back at me once and then continued to walk faster, making her hips sway more, I enjoyed the sight and quickened my pace to keep up with her. Like always, I had trouble keeping up with her, even from a distance. I ignored June all day and refused to even look at her during dinner. At eight o’clock, there was no avoiding her, she burst into my room when I was lying on my bed, like I did whenever I needed time to think.
“James, I am ending this now,” she said angry and unrightfully so. “You have no right to be angry at me. If I did anything it was save your life and your idiotic friends too! Plus, I got you the best verdict that you could get!” She defended, trying to make herself feel better about what she’d done and justified.
“You called them. Nothing would have happened and you lied about it.” She wasn’t getting off the hook that easy. Maybe she’d been right in calling the cops but lying to me by letting me think Mickey had done it, that was unfathomably wrong.
She sighed and then said truthfully, “You were a better person when you were friends with Mickey. I used to be proud of you, now all I am is ashamed. You’ve hurt everyone you’ve ever cared about; mom, dad, me, your friends but most importantly, Mickey. Do you think your new so-called friends, would ever have held your hand at Gramp’s funeral, or bake you cookies when you got sick or tutor you in Spanish, even though they’re not taking it? Or even just like you for you, not your clothes, not your looks, just you? No, and that is the truth James. They don’t like you or even the person you pretend to be. How did you ever become so shallow?” she asked coldly and left slamming the door behind her. Tears dropped down my face, even though I fought them. Did she think I didn’t know all of this? That I didn’t regret it all? Did she actually think I was happy? Because if she did, I was a better actor than I gave myself credit for. I’d been depressed since the day I listened to Gert, Tiffany, and all of them. The day I lost a part of myself and my heart. The day the world lost its beauty and the day I lost my best friend. But it was too late to do anything now, like Mickey always would say; what’s done is done, no matter how hard we wish or how much we want to change something or take it back, we can’t, we just have to learn how to move on. Every night, I think of Mickey and I, and the things we did together and how happy I was then and when I dream, I dream of ways I can make it better. But the reality is, I can’t make it better, I can’t erase what I did and unfortunately, I can’t move on from her and even worse, I don’t want to. I want to hold on to those times we had because they were the best days of my life and I never wanted to forget them.
Losing You Page 6