“But something made you walk away from the game. When we moved back from England, I looked for your name on all the rugby teams, in all the clubs. You seemed to have disappeared.”
She kept her focus on the grass before raising her eyes to the top of the school buildings, where shadows were forming with the setting sun.
“I stopped playing to hurt my dad.”
She caught Blake’s raised eyebrows and surprise etched on his face. But he stayed quiet, ready to listen.
Neela lay down on the ground, hands behind her head. “It was really the only thing that we had in common. I disagreed with his politics, with his attitude toward people, how he ran the company, the way I was supposed to worship God... Just about everything. After three perfect children, they had me, the surprise kid. Even as a child, I remember Dad and me not being able to see things eye to eye. The only thing we had in common was rugby. Then it stopped being enough. After one argument too many, I decided I couldn’t stay in his house and follow his rules anymore. So I left.”
“Rieann thinks it was because of Laura.”
She nodded. “Her coming into my life when she did made the decision to go easier. I was the only one living at home when Dad started dating her. He never once asked how I felt about her coming into our house. He basically forced her on me. Then, one night, he insisted she stay for dinner, and she chose to sit in my mother’s chair.
“My. Dead. Mother’s. Chair, Blake.”
Neela took a deep breath. The anger from that evening, so long ago, threatened to return. “Laura didn’t know what she was doing—how could she?—but when she sat there, I saw red. I said things that hurt us all. I should be sorry, but I’m not.”
“How old were you when you left?” Blake asked.
“Seventeen. I had enough money saved up to leave. I stayed at Mano’s place while he was on tour with the National Team, but I knew I couldn’t stay there for long. He’s really close to Dad. I wanted to get away from the South Island as fast as possible. Then it was odd jobs here and there for a few years. Got by. Joined a bike club and met Kyle.”
“So, that’s how he became part of your life.”
Neela laughed softly. “Yeah. Want to hear something ironic? It was Kyle who encouraged me to try out for the Go for Gold campaign. He knew I had played before and was amused by the opportunity. I wasn’t interested at first.”
“What changed your mind?”
“This is going to sound weird, but I kept hearing my mother’s voice saying I should give it a go. She loved the Games. Always followed them whenever they came on. Then, when I made it past the first round, Kyle was all into it. He helped pay for my training and hired a nutritionist so I’d be ready for the tryouts. I foolishly thought he did it out of love.”
“I think that was a fair assumption. Weren’t you two together by then?”
“Yes.” She paused. Do I tell him more? Maybe he’ll realize there’s no need to think of the future. She forged ahead despite the sinking feeling in her stomach. “He’s here. He wants his money back.”
Blake angled his body to face Neela, and his dark eyes mirrored his confusion. “He tracked you down to the South Island because of money?”
“It’s important to most people. Not everyone earns what you do.”
“You don’t need to be rich to have a sense of what’s right or wrong. In this situation, a person with integrity doesn’t ask for their money back. Would you?”
Neela shook her head, and whatever Blake saw in her face softened his countenance. “Do you have the money? I can cover whatever you need,” he said.
“It’s all right.”
“It’ll get him off your back. You can file a restraining order and start living your life without looking back. No strings, I promise. This is what friends do. We look out for one another.”
Neela reached for Blake’s hand and squeezed it. “Thanks. I have enough now. The advance from our ad work has given me some breathing space financially.”
He seemed to consider that information. She watched him clasp and unclasp his hands, marveling at how strong they were. In all the years she had seen him play, she didn’t recall him ever dropping the ball in a play.
“Why didn’t you leave him? When he began to hurt you?” he asked quietly.
This time, she remained silent.
A few minutes later, she sat up—knees now underneath her— and reached for more grass. She rubbed them aggressively between her fingers then released the shriveled blades to the wind. She raised her fingertips to her nose.
The scent of fresh grass kept her sane. She knew what to do on the pitch. Everything made sense there. Get the ball to the goal line. Stop the other team from doing the same. Simple. Why couldn’t the rest of her life mimic the clarity of her sport?
She had kept the details of her relationship with Kyle to herself for so long. It was the biggest mistake of her life to love a man who was so vile. She was ashamed of those feelings now, as genuine as they had been.
Only Mano knew about the abuse, but he wasn’t privy to everything. He had never met Kyle, and Neela hoped he never would. Her teammates suspected she had had a boyfriend before she signed with RugNZ, but hers wouldn’t have been the only relationship to end because of training commitments. Corrine had never known; Leila had never asked.
“He came into my life when I wanted to be loved again,” she began cautiously. “I’d never felt such a need to be with someone before. He made me feel like I was the center of his universe. And I liked that feeling. A lot.”
Blake hadn’t moved. His silence encouraged her to continue.
“Believe it or not, for a long time, I didn’t think what he did to me was wrong. I found excuses for his behavior. When he first slapped me, it was because I had provoked him. When he called me names, it was because he was too drunk. And slowly, before I knew it, I started to believe I deserved how he treated me, that what he thought of me was really who I was.”
“Darl...”
Blake reached up to wipe a single tear from her cheek. She turned her head slightly. She didn’t want to see Blake’s disappointment in her. She took a deep breath and continued.
“I thought that if I really loved Kyle, I had to accept him completely. I wanted to be like Mum: loving all of us despite our faults. She was my example of unconditional love. I wanted to be that person for Kyle.
“When he began to hurt me, I rationalized that it was because he couldn’t stop himself and that it was my responsibility to help him control those urges. Because that’s what you’re supposed to do when you love someone, isn’t it? Stick with them through thick and thin?”
Neela closed her eyes as the memories of Kyle’s blows came rushing back: the time when she’d come home later than expected; when she’d argued that her rugby training was more important than having his mates over late in the evening; when she’d wanted to visit Mano...
“How long did you live with him?”
“Eight months. And I hadn’t planned on leaving him. But one night, Kyle just went crazy. He drank too much, and I was fifteen minutes late coming back from training. This time, after he was done, I couldn’t get up on my own. I knew I needed help.”
“And you called Mano,” Blake said.
“I don’t want your pity,” she said. “I put myself in that position, and I got myself out of it. It will never happen to me again.”
“You’re the strongest woman, I know, Neela Smyth. But sometimes, even the strong need to rest, and there’s no shame in that,” he said roughly. “You don’t need to face him alone. I promise I’ll be there for you, and you know I don’t break my promises.”
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Neela kept the rim of her cap low as she hit the pavement. She hadn’t slept well the night before, but not for the expected reasons. She was prepared for the mental exhaustion that came with being in the same room as her father. Instead, her tossing and turning had come from wondering what Blake thought of her, given her inabilit
y to stop talking. She had said more than she should have.
He had left for Auckland early that morning, but not before waking her up with a phone call.
“What the...”
“Just making sure you don’t miss out on your run.”
“Blake, I have an alarm clock.”
“I know, but I wanted to hear your voice before I left.”
Neela covered her eyes with her free hand. “What are you doing, Blake?”
“Being honest. No lies between us, remember?”
She didn’t even say goodbye before she hung up on him. She didn’t want his honesty. She didn’t want his trust. She didn’t want him caring for her.
She breathed deeper and increased her pace, not caring that she was using too much energy too quickly. She wanted to feel the burn in her legs. What she didn’t want was to feel anything in her heart.
But I wanted to hear your voice before I left.
She shook her head and turned a corner she usually didn’t include in her run. The incline would be a physical demand on her that she didn’t need.
She tried to rationalize away her angst from hearing his voice this morning, from knowing he now knew more about her than anyone else.
He was going to be in Auckland all week. Besides meetings with RugNZ, he was representing the National Team at a couple of charities. Then there was an endless number of public appearances for sponsors in the build-up to Christmas. Next time she’d see him would be a few days before Christmas, in the same field they had been at last night, to film the commercial. Not for a date.
She was starting to depend on him.
“I only promised five dates,” she said out loud. “Five dates. Five fake dates.”
Even to her own ears, they were hollow affirmations. There was nothing fake about the relationship they were building.
There was a relationship between them. There always had been.
When she reached a clearing, she slowed her run, then stopped altogether. She might not have felt the exertion, but her body had responded accordingly: increased heartbeat, sweat dampening her skin. She inhaled and exhaled deeply as she scanned the park, which was far from empty. Her eyes were drawn to an elderly couple holding hands as they strolled. The woman suddenly laughed at whatever her partner said in her ear. He, in turn, responded by pulling her hand to his lips.
Neela frowned. A deep longing for a future she never thought she wanted surfaced.
“I don’t need anyone,” she reminded herself. “I’m strong on my own.”
She took one last look at the couple before starting her run home.
When she entered her unit, she saw a small wrapped box on the dining table. She pulled out the card that the box was sitting on.
Don’t open it until Christmas! I’ll call when I arrive home. Merry Christmas! Love, Leila
From the shape, it was either the latest video game or a CD. Neela had slipped her own present to Leila into the latter’s handbag last night. They had said it was to be a no-pressie-Christmas. Obviously, neither of them could be trusted.
Leila, too, had left this morning for Auckland. She wanted to spend a few extra days with her family before the team went to training camp in preparation for their next competition in Sydney.
No Blake; no Leila; no team training.
A whole week without commitments.
Alone.
The way Neela preferred things to be, the only way to keep her heart safe. So why did she feel like crying?
* * *
Blake ignored Scott’s protest that they should talk on the flight to Auckland. He put on his earphones to let La Bohéme flood his senses, but it didn’t. All he could see was Neela’s eyes from last night.
Absent of fire.
Full of regret and pain.
Whatever anger he felt toward Kyle, it was nothing compared to the sense of despair when he realized he couldn’t erase all the hurt from her past. It was always going to be a part of her.
Blake looked out the window. The rugged coastline of the South Island was now behind them. The sea they were flying over was dark and seemingly calm, its dangers hidden when viewed from up so high. Just like Neela, Blake thought. Calm and controlled on the outside but full of turmoil inside. And all because she had trusted the wrong man.
Whatever it takes, no matter how long, he vowed. He’d be there for her until she was ready to trust again. She deserved better.
Scott nudged him. “You are ready, aren’t you? For this meeting?”
“Yes.”
“Because this will be a talk about the captainship.”
“You sound more nervous about this than I am. What’s the matter, mate? Don’t think I’m up for the job?”
“No. I mean yes. I mean...”
Blake put his earphones back on. “Relax. Enjoy the flight. If I don’t get the captaincy, it’s back to economy for you, mate.”
He should be more nervous, but being injured these last couple of months had only reinforced what Mano had drilled into him early in his career: there was a lot that was out of their hands.
Three hours later, he had to once again calm down his agent. “Don’t skip, Scott.”
“I can’t help it. Mate, you’re the new captain of the National Team!”
Blake smiled. Scott looked giddy with excitement, taking the news delivered to them a mere half an hour ago with a loud exclamation and a fist pump.
“You got what you wanted!” Scott said. “What you and Neela have been doing this last month has worked!”
“I also happen to be a pretty good rugby player.”
“Whatever.” Scott smiled wider, his dismissal in good fun. He thumped Blake’s back, stepped in front of him and grabbed his client’s upper arms. His voice was suddenly uncharacteristically emotional. “You’ve wanted this since we were both in uni. I’m proud of you.”
“Thanks, Scott. I sometimes think you’re a moron, but I’ve also never questioned that you’d look out for me.”
“Why aren’t you more excited? Never mind, I’ll be excited for the two of us. National Team captain! I wonder if we can get more money out of the next ad campaign.”
“Is that all this means to you?”
“I’m kidding! Are you going to tell anyone?”
“No. Nothing’s official until the start of the year.”
“Not even Neela? There’s no real reason to continue being seen together.”
“She promised me five dates. There are two more to go,” Blake said automatically, not breaking his stride.
Scott stopped walking. His voice echoed down the hallway. “Wait a minute. Are you saying what I think you’re saying?” Blake had reached the stairs when Scott caught up with him again. “Hang on, Blake. Is this serious?”
“I don’t know what you mean.”
“When Lindsay said she was going to break up with you, you shrugged and bought her flowers to wish her well. You never pursue a relationship. I’ve given you a reason to end a charade that you initially didn’t want to take part in, and you tell me you want more?”
Blake stopped at the bottom of the stairs. RugNZ’s home office was busy despite the time of the year. It was just a week until Christmas; international rugby season was over while club rugby had yet to begin. But this place never seemed to stop. A constant flow of people coming and going at RugNZ was the norm. Many were familiar faces. Most weren’t.
He loved this place. Early in his career, when he was first getting used to being part of the National Team, he would walk the hallways wondering behind which closed door a group of people would meet to decide when his dream to represent his country would be granted...or denied.
Today, that group of people, also behind a closed door, had given him a responsibility he had secretly hope for to since he was a teenager. He should be sharing this news with his family immediately. Instead, he didn’t want anyone to know. It might mean Neela would think her role in his life was over, that she could walk away, her ‘debt’ to him
paid.
Blake turned abruptly to face Scott, causing the slighter man to bump into his chest. “No one is to know, Scott, especially Neela. Understand?”
Scott frowned, unused to Blake’s tone. “It’s worth celebrating. She won’t say a word.”
“I’m not ready to let her go. I’m going to need my last two dates to convince her that we deserve to be together. Not a word, Scott. I mean it.”
* * *
Neela was reading the packaging of her frozen dinner when her phone rang.
“Darl?”
“Blake? You really shouldn’t call me that.”
“Why aren’t you going to Rieann’s for Christmas?”
Neela’s eyes widened. “How did you know that?”
“Mano sent me a message asking if I knew why.”
Neela groaned. “Don’t tell me. Rieann asked Mano to ask you.”
“You got it.”
“Nobody’s business, including yours, Blake. Don’t you have someone you need to meet for dinner or something? I thought you had a fairly packed schedule.”
“Does this mean you’re going to be alone at Christmas?”
“I like being alone for Christmas.”
“Liar.”
Neela’s tempered flared. “You don’t know me.”
“Darl...”
“And stop calling me that!” She turned off the phone. Damn it. This was why she didn’t tell people anything about herself. They start thinking they knew her, that they could decide what was best for her.
Her mood didn’t improve the next morning, but she was determined to concentrate on preparing for the next series in Sydney. With the start of the club rugby season just a couple of months away, she expected Blake to have less time for her. All the pros would be back in the gym, and club workouts would commence. I should be the last thing on his mind.
Yes, once Blake Stanton, rugby superstar, was back in full rugby training mode, she could go back to being a figure from his past. Two more dates.
She went straight to the gym, mentally going through the checklist of her morning workout routine. A light cardio on the bike to warm up, then weights. She picked the exercise bike in the far corner, climbed on and quickly put on her earphones. The first notes of her playlist began.
Always You Page 18