by Meg Ripley
“I know,” I said. “It was horrible. I cried for weeks. Then I swore off men.”
“Until Sam,” Emma said.
“Yeah well,” I said. “I should have sworn him off, too. Jerk.”
“Let’s not have a Sam moment, please,” Julie said. “You’re done with him, and let’s stay done.”
“Yes, please,” Emma said.
“I think part of the reason I ended up staying with him for so long was because of Owen,” I said. “I just wanted to be dating, you know? After four straight years of being with the same person, it was weird to not have a boyfriend. But, I have no desire to talk about or think about Sam.”
Except that now that he’d been brought up, my mind drifted toward Sam. It had been a complete disaster of a relationship. I’d expected something like what Owen and I had. A relationship that was fun and easy with someone enjoyable to be around. Owen made me laugh. Sam made me worry. He was so intense, I had never been sure where I stood with him or what was going on in his mind. The year we dated was fraught with frustration and confusion.
If being in a relationship was going to be like how things had been with Sam, I never needed to be married. I didn’t want that kind of drama surrounding me all the time. In a relationship that was meant to last a lifetime, I would need someone more like Owen. Well, like Owen but with enough dedication to want to attempt something as common as a long-distance relationship.
Maybe Owen had set the bar too high. After Sam, I started to wonder which one was a more accurate representation of what marriage would be like. The best I could hope for was something in the middle.
“Maybe this will be good,” Emma said. “Maybe you can remember a relationship other than Sam and can actually have someone who’s good for you.”
“I think the bigger problem is, I never really got over Owen.”
They stopped and looked at me.
“After he broke your heart, you still have feelings for him?” Julie asked.
I shrugged. “That’s the only thing he ever did to hurt me, though.”
“Well, it was a pretty big thing, don’t you think?” Emma said.
“It was,” I admitted. “It’s just hard to hate him when all my memories are good ones.”
“And when he’s that hot,” Emma added.
“Not helping,” Julie said, nudging her.
I scrunched up my face as if I were in pain. “The worst part is, he looks even better now.”
Emma sucked in a breath. “Oh. Sorry.”
“You should date him,” I said to Emma.
“Are you crazy?” Emma said. “First of all, no. Second of all, he’s your ex. Third of all, you just said you still have feelings for him! I may not be the best friend in the world, but I’m not that evil. Or stupid.”
“No one’s dating Owen,” Julie said.
My face fell into a frown. No one was dating Owen, and none of us ever would be. He probably had a girlfriend anyhow. Maybe even a fiancé. I didn’t want to be hung up on anyone, especially not my ex from high school who I hadn’t seen in over four years. It was about three and a half years longer than it should have taken me to get over him. Yet, here I was, my heart still racing from our brief encounter, my mind still full of his face and voice.
I shook my head. No. “Okay, stop.” I held up my hands and we all stopped walking. “I can’t do this. If I’m going to get over him, I can’t think about him. Or Sam. Or any other disaster in my life. I want to enjoy the fact that I just earned a degree after four years of very hard work, and so did the both of you. We made it through college, and we’re ready to start our new lives. I’m not going to do that being stuck in the past. From this point forward, I am in love with no one!”
Julie pumped her fist in the air. “Down with love!”
Emma raised her eyebrow at us. “Um, how about not ‘down with love’ so much as, yay for strong women who don’t need a relationship or a man to feel whole!”
“And that!” I said, raising my fist high to match Julie’s. “Here’s to focusing on our careers!”
4
Owen
The ibis tucked under my arm nuzzled its beak into the crease of my elbow. It was warm at my side.
I should be thinking about what needed to happen for the bird now. How I should have already radioed the vet to be ready. How I would help him set the leg and hold the bird while he worked. But my mind wouldn’t stay on the white-feathered creature for long; it was stuck in the place I’d found the bird.
The place where I’d seen her.
I don’t know if I’d ever had more of a shock in my life. She had gone to college an hour away, in Miami. I didn’t want to attend the same school and risk running into her or having a class with her. It couldn’t be like high school. I’d never survive if there was a possibility of seeing her anytime I walked around campus.
I thought I’d chosen well with the Everglades. I could have moved to another state. Chosen another park. Joined another clan. But this had been home, and my clan was my family. I didn’t want to leave the land or the shifters I’d come to rely on. Before we broke up, she’d been dreaming of mountains and snow. I expected her to go up north, fall in love with the cold, and never return.
And then, there she was.
I often thought I saw her places. I’d see a woman with the same long hair, those medium-brown locks that glinted gold in the sunlight, the way it swept over her neck. Of course, I had no idea if her hair would still be the same after so many years, but after today, I knew it was. When we first pulled up to the group of ladies, I thought it was her. But in the same way I always thought I saw her, I blew it off and refocused. Except, this time, it really was her.
When I saw her face and her shocked eyes met mine, it was as if the world had vanished. Suddenly, we were back in high school and I’d just seen the most beautiful girl in the world drop her books all over the floor. Back then, I’d been able to step in and rescue her. Saving the day made me her hero and it was easy to win her over. I wanted to save her again, but she didn’t need me now.
She was her with her friends and had found an injured bird. She was not the one in need, but I still wanted to impress her. But Addie hadn’t seemed to notice.
It was all I could do to walk away from her. From the moment I saw her and got a whiff of her scent, I wanted to run to her, scoop her into my arms, and never let go again. I’d let go of her once and it had been the most difficult and stupid thing I’d ever done. If I had the chance, I’d keep hold of her so tight, there’d be no danger of us ever being apart again. My blood boiled with wanting her, with missing her, with loving her.
“Whoa, man, you look worse than me.” Ezra strolled out of the Ranger station as we pulled up.
“I’ve never seen him so quiet,” Zack said. “He must be very worried about this bird.”
Zack smirked at me and disappeared inside the station.
Ezra gave me a questioning look. “Did you see a ghost out there or what?”
“Something like that,” I said, walking past him into the building.
Luckily, Zack had been in his right mind as we headed back, and he’d called the vet to meet us. I carried the bird into the exam room and held it while the vet did his thing. I sensed the animal’s distress and did my best to calm it, but I was more than distracted.
Our four years together played through my mind, followed by the four years without her. Hardly a comparison. After the vet got the bird’s leg fixed up, I sat in my office, trying to work, but the words on the reports didn’t make any sense. I read the same page over and over, but finally stopped, setting the papers down and heading to the window, looking out over my view of the park.
Ezra came in and perched on the edge of my desk, as he often did. This was why he was my second: he knew me too well. Any time I acted out of character, he was immediately on alert.
“So, it’s quiet right now,” Ezra said. “I think everyone is out doing the day job thing. How about a short run?”
He knew he’d be able to read me more easily when we were in bear form. Our thoughts would be linked, but it was more than that. Just like I could sense other animals, even while in my human state, I could sense my clan even better when we were all in bear form. I wouldn’t have to tell Ezra how I was feeling, he would feel it.
But I could have used a run; I thought it might help distract me. “Yeah,” I said. “Get in the small cat.”
I let Rachel know we were heading out on patrol, then slid into the seat beside Ezra. We drove to a spot out of the way where we could leave the UV, parked and stripped down on either side of the vehicle, roaring loudly as we changed. I stood tall on my furry legs and stretched, then bounded through the woods, the wind rustling through my coat.
I don’t usually have to drag things out of you, Alpha, Ezra signaled to me. What’s going on?
There was little point in trying to change the subject or deny it. When my mind was so full of her, it’d slip even if I tried not to think about her. Better to just get it out.
I saw an ex-girlfriend today.
Ouch. Bummer. Did she break your heart?
I almost laughed. How I wished that were true. ‘Fraid not. I broke hers.
Oooh, even worse. She just won’t stay gone, eh?
Nothing like that. I never wanted to end things with her. I was crazy about that girl.
Ezra didn’t respond right away. He jumped through the trees, bouncing with too much energy. He was worse than a cub with his exuberance. But when he spoke again through our mind link, his words were full of maturity.
You’re still crazy about her. What happened? Why’d you break up?
I didn’t have a choice. Thinking back to that time still made me ache. I had no idea how hard it had been for Addie; I hadn’t talked to her after I ended things. But I had been a wreck for weeks. So much, that my mother pleaded with my father, but he wouldn’t relent. And he couldn’t. I knew that, and it made everything worse.
When I came of age, my parents stepped in, I replied. They didn’t mind who I dated in high school. They always liked Addie. But she’s not a shifter.
Ohhhh. Sadness colored Ezra’s thoughts. He got it.
Yeah. So, I hit eighteen and was about to graduate high school. They sat me down to have the talk. Shifter responsibilities. What we have to do for our clan, all of that. And, Addie. They told me it was better to end things. They said I could go to school further away and frame that as the reason. It was normal, they said. High school couples often broke up when they went to college. They thought that if we had no future together, there was no reason to keep dating. And they were right. I wanted to marry her. I would have. But that’s not how shifter life works. At least, in our clan.
I know this too well, my friend.
You’re not bound in the same way I am.
If I want to remain your second, I am.
The rule about marrying a shifter only actually applied to the Alpha of our clan. When my dad stepped down and I took over, that meant taking on everything that came with the duties of an Alpha, including the marriage rule. No one else technically had to follow this rule; marrying a non-shifter was perfectly acceptable, unless you were the Alpha. Or, in Ezra’s case, a second who actually took the job seriously enough that he held himself to the same standards.
He could marry a non-shifter, but that would create a problem. In the event I could no longer lead, he’d have to become Alpha, and he couldn’t if he’d married a non-shifter.
The rules made sense. An Alpha had to keep his blood pure and needed to be connected to shifters and his clan in all ways possible. A spouse outside of the clan would be a distraction to a leader. But it wasn’t an easy decision. I’d almost considered giving up the Alpha position just so I could marry her. I’d almost considered leaving the clan since not all clans had rules like ours. Most didn’t care if the bloodline was mixed. But some great, great, great, great grandfather of mine decided our clan would live a more pure life, so the rule had been created, and we all had to live with it.
I must’ve let my memories drift too far into my thoughts; Ezra heard.
This is serious, then. I can’t believe you almost gave up Alpha and the clan for this girl!
She’s far from a girl now. I tried not to picture her too hard. Ezra would see, and the lust flooding my veins wasn’t something he needed to witness.
You need a hot piece of tail to take your mind off this human girl.
Right. Like that would happen anytime soon. Seeing her brought all these thoughts and feelings rushing back. It had taken me a long time to get to the point where I didn’t ache for her constantly; I didn’t want these feelings to return.
This is why you’ve never seriously dated? Ezra wondered. You never got over Addie?
That’s why. I put everything into my work and my role as Alpha.
The right female will change everything. What about Hailey? I think she likes you.
She does. She’d been pretty obvious in her flirting. Hailey was beautiful and a really sweet woman. I probably should date her. At least see if anything was there. But how could I when my heart was so stuck on Addie? It wouldn’t be fair to Hailey.
She’s a cool chick. You should give it a shot.
Maybe someday.
Man, you’ve got it bad. Maybe go talk to this Addie and see how much she’s changed. Maybe it’ll kill your feelings for her. You’ve probably built her up in your memories and the real deal doesn’t hold up anymore.
Yeah. Maybe.
But I didn’t think that was true. Unless she’d become a totally different person in college, there wasn’t a bar that could be raised high enough to match what Addie had been to me.
Well, facts are facts, man. Unless you’re still thinking of giving up Alpha, nothing has changed. You can’t be with her. So, let’s find a way to move you on.
Thanks. I appreciated his concern, I just didn’t think it would work. I’d been trying to get over Addie for four years. The guilt was still there for how I’d ended things between us. The pain of missing her was still there. It had moved to the background of my mind over the two years I spent in college. And as I threw myself into my work, I was able to go days without thinking about her too much.
It was always there, though. I’d see a happy family or couple walking through the park, and a little prick with her name on it would spike my heart. I avoided stores when Valentine’s Day was near, and every time July 20th came around, I wondered how she was spending her birthday.
If she’d found someone who would love her as much as I had.
We finished our run and headed back to the Ranger station. I checked the reservations and found that Addie would be there all week. Maybe I’d take some time off so I didn’t have to worry about running into her.
5
Addie
“How about a boat ride?” Julie asked. “We’d get to see lots of wildlife.”
I nodded. “Sounds good.”
“Ugh, come on, Addie. You can’t just bum around over this Owen dude. He ended things. It’s time to move on.”
“I’m not bumming over him, Emma,” I countered, getting a little defensive. It’d been a day since we’d run into Owen and I hadn’t been able to stop thinking about him, but I thought I’d done a fairly decent job of hiding it.
“Then let’s go on this boat ride so you can prove it,” Emma replied.
“Sounds great.” I tried to sound enthusiastic, but probably failed.
By the time we arrived at the dock, I was feeling hopeful. I had my camera in tow, ready to photograph every animal and interesting plant I came across. This is why we came here, I reminded myself. To spend time in nature and unwind after graduation. Not to spend the week being hung up on ex-boyfriends from high school.
I’d spent enough time grieving over Owen. This time was for me.
We waited with a small group for the boat to be ready. Water lapped against the dock, and the air was cooler here. A large fan w
as positioned at one end of the boat, then several benches of seats. I’d never ridden an airboat before and, judging by the headphones resting on each seat, it would be loud. Perfect for drowning out my thoughts and making me focus on what was ahead, not behind.
A man walked over to the waiting group. “Hello there, folks.” He waved to get everyone’s attention. “I’m Aiden and I’ll be your tour guide today. If you’ll make your way to the boat, we can go ahead and get started on our tour.”
He gestured toward the boat and the group started to trickle on. As we neared him, he smiled. “Hello, ladies.”
I smiled back. “Hello.”
He leaned close to me as I passed. “Be sure to grab a seat near the back. It’s the best.” He winked and continued greeting the other passengers.
When the three of us sat—near the back, though I honestly hadn’t been trying to sit there—Emma and Julie converged on me.
“He totally flirted with you!” Emma teased, giggling.
“He’s cute,” Julie whispered. “Maybe he could take your mind off Owen.”
I rolled my eyes and shushed them as Aiden took his place at the back of the boat, next to the large fan.
Aiden stood to address the crowd. “As we take our ride today, expect to see a nice sampling of the variety of wildlife the Everglades has to offer. We should see some gators, herons or ospreys, and maybe even a wild bull, believe it or not. Never know what’s around the corner in these parts.”
He smiled at me again as he took his seat. He dropped his voice to speak only to us. “If there’s anything you ladies want to see, you let me know, okay?”
Emma and Julie agreed happily. I just nodded. Maybe he was sort of flirting, but it was nothing I was going to get excited over. Sure, he was cute. Lots of guys were cute. If my attraction to Owen had been purely physical, maybe that would have been enough to distract me. It was so much more than looks, though.
The large fan started up and we all placed our headphones over our ears. It was loud, but Aiden paused the boat every once in a while to explain what we were seeing or tell us something about the body of water we were riding through. He got very excited when we came across a baby alligator.