by Joanne Ganci
She glances at me, then continues her descent down the steps toward her car. “Lydia, wait up. I thought we were going to talk.” Taking the stairs two at a time, I catch up with her and grab her arm.
“Max, stop. I said that to get you out of the library. You can’t just show up like that. This is my place of work. I can’t be arguing with you when I’m supposed to be working.”
“Then don’t argue. Just talk to me.”
“Fuck you.” She starts walking again.
“I’ve missed you, Blondie.”
She comes to a full stop at that, and I think we might be going in the right direction. But then she turns around and I see the rage vibrating off of her. “Are you fucking kidding me? You missed me? If you missed me, why the fuck have I not heard from you in nine years? Hm? You got some suave explanation for that, Cowboy?”
“You didn’t want to hear from me. You made that very clear nine years ago.”
“ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?!” I take a step back. She may be almost a foot shorter than me, but when she’s pissed she’s fucking terrifying. “Your memory must be broken, so let me remind you what happened nine fucking years ago. I ASKED YOU TO STAY. But you didn’t give a shit. I fucking loved you, Max. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I gave you fucking everything. And you just decided that it wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t fucking good enough. We made plans to have a life together and you just up and left. Didn’t fucking consider me when making this decision, you just said, 'Oh, by the way, I’m moving to Nashville' one day. So don’t fucking come at me, saying I didn’t want to hear from you. You made that choice. You left. Now if you would excuse me, I have much better things to do.”
She storms off, leaving me standing there.
Fuck.
I can’t let her go like that. “I still fucking love you, Lydia.”
She stops in her tracks. Before she has a chance to continue walking away from me, I move in front of her. “I do. I have never stopped loving you. And if you don’t remember, I asked you to come with me. I never wanted the change in my plans to not include you. It was the opportunity of a lifetime.”
Her eyes go wide. “And being with me wasn’t? Why would you make me all those promises of a future together HERE? Never once did you talk about leaving on those nights when we would talk about our hopes and dreams ‘til the sun came up. NOT EVEN ONCE. Why wasn’t I good enough for you? Why did—”
I can’t keep my hands to myself anymore. I grab her face in my hands and crash our lips together. She stands there limp for about a millisecond before finally kissing me back. I kiss her deeper when she gives in, a slight moan allowing me to slip my tongue into her mouth.
I’ve been back in Midland for four days now, but I wasn’t truly home until this exact moment. Feeling her lips on mine again, I’m home. This girl—my fucking girl—is my home.
Just as quickly as it started, it ends. She jumps back, her hand going to her mouth, a look of shock on her face. Her eyes dart around looking everywhere but at me. I just stare at her waiting for her to say something. Instead of words, I’m met with a resounding SLAP. Then she’s rushing off to her car.
“You were always good enough for me,” I yell after her. “Don’t ever fucking think otherwise. I love you and I ain’t goin’ nowhere, Blondie.” Her car door slams and her tires squeal as she pulls out of the parking lot. I watch her go until I can’t see her car anymore, then I make my way back to my truck. Sitting behind the wheel, with my cheek still stinging, I make a promise to myself.
I will do everything in my power to get my girl back.
Lydia
6
Before I turn out of the parking lot, I look in the rear-view mirror at my first love. Hell, my only love. There’s only one problem with his parting words. He made that promise to me once before, and he fucking broke it.
Summer - Ten Years Ago
Max surprised me with a picnic dinner out in our favorite spot at the edge of the farm. There’s a big oak tree that we’ve spent countless hours under, laying together over the days and nights. He just graduated last month and has been taking on more responsibility at the farm, so it’s been a while since we’ve been able to just relax together.
“I’m so proud of you,” I tell him, laying in his arms on the checkered blanket he laid out for us.
“Oh, yeah? Why’s that, Blondie?” he asks, running his fingers lazily through my hair.
“You got your diploma and you’ve been workin’ so hard with your daddy, running the farm by his side. I know it’s meant that we haven’t had much time together during the day, but that’s okay.”
He tips my chin up, bringing my face up, so I can look right into those stormy eyes of his. “Everything I’m doin’ right now is for us, Lydia. I want a future with you.”
“I want that too, Max. So much.” He leans down and presses a kiss to my lips. I don’t think it was his intention, but his kiss lights this fire inside of me. “Max?”
“Yeah, Blondie?”
“I’m ready...” He looks at me with a raised brow, clearly not understanding my meaning. “I’m, uh...I want you to make love to me. I love you.” I look up at him nervously, not knowing how he’s going to react. He’s never once pressured me to go further than what I’m comfortable with, and always said that I would dictate how far we go. But what if he doesn’t—
He pushes me down onto the blanket, moving so his body is hovering over mine. “I can hear you thinking up a storm. Are you sure about this, Lydia? We don’t have to do anything. I’m happy just having you here in my arms.”
I bring my arms around his neck and nod, never taking my eyes off of his. “I’m sure. I want this. I want you. Forever.”
He nods his head and dips down to press a kiss to my lips. After a moment, his lips leave mine, but his kisses continue in a line toward my ear. He nips at my earlobe and whispers, “You are so beautiful, Lydia. I love you with all of my heart and soul,” making me shiver.
His hands roam down my body as he kisses my neck. He grips my waist and grinds his erection into me, causing a moan to slip past my lips. I wrap my legs around his waist, pulling him closer to me. “I love you too, Max. More than I could ever say.”
I pull at his shirt, needing to feel his bare skin. He sits up, pulling it over his head, and my jaw drops. His skin has this beautiful tan that compliments the newly defined muscles he’s developed from working on the farm. “You’re so fucking sexy, Max.”
He chuckles, “I don’t hold a candle to you, beautiful. C’mere.” I lean up, and he drags my shirt off of me. Pushing his fingers through my hair, he pulls me in to crush our lips together. I lose myself in his kiss, marveling at the fact that we’re going to be physically as close as we are emotionally. I love this man.
Reaching back, I undo my bra. We separate and I pull it off, throwing it to the side, then lay back down. “So perfect,” he whispers in awe, before following me down and loving every inch of me that’s now on full display.
Hours later we’re dressed and sitting up against the oak tree. I’m in front of him leaning my whole body back into his chest, with his arms wrapped around me. We made love with a sunset backdrop, and it was the most magical experience I’ve ever had. He was patient and kind, waiting for me to adjust to how full he made me feel.
He presses a kiss to my temple, bringing me out of my thoughts with his question, “What do you want to do after you graduate, Blondie?”
“Other than be with you?” I laugh. He nudges me to continue, but I haven’t said this out loud yet and once I say it, it’ll become more real. “I’m not sure. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. I was sort of thinking I might want to be a librarian.”
“Baby, you would be a fantastic librarian. You’re always disappearing there with Rachael. We met in the school library! Sometimes I think you love books even more than you love me.”
“I wouldn’t go that far. Books are a verrrrrrrry close second, though.” He tickles
my sides, causing a fit of giggles. “Okay, okay. I love you the most. Way more than books.” He doesn’t relent, so I add, “What are books? Everything is Max.”
“That’s better.” He turns me in his arms and kisses me full-on. “I mean it, though. You would be a great librarian. I can see it now. We’ll spend our days with you in the stacks and me working on the farm. Then you’ll come home in time for us to cook dinner together and spend every night in each other’s arms.” He has a wistful smile on his face, dreaming up the perfect future.
“And then we’ll have three babies, and they’ll be just as hardworking as you and love books just as much as I do. And they’ll have my blonde hair and your gray eyes.”
“Two girls, just as pretty as their mama.”
“And a boy just like his daddy,” I add.
“That sounds perfect, Blondie. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you.”
*
I learned the hard way last time. I can’t trust Max to stick around. He’ll just move on to bigger and better things as soon as they come around. We planned out this future and when he wanted to change it, he didn’t consult me. He just up and ran with the first opportunity that came his way. Midland Springs is my home, I’ve never even thought of leaving. I thought we were on the same page with that. We were on the same page, until the day we weren’t. One fucking day and the course of my life changed.
He made his decision and didn’t include me in it. Sure, he asked me to come with him, but it was an afterthought. He had already decided to leave. He was going with or without me. I was supposed to be his main priority. Our future was supposed to be his priority.
When I get home, Mom’s car isn’t in the driveway, and I’m so fucking grateful for that. She’d take one look at me and know that I’ve been crying. There’s a note on the counter saying that she’s over at Brody’s babysitting Annabelle and Cassidee and won’t be back until tomorrow. If my mind was in the right frame, I’d probably call her and see what Brody and Denise are doing on a Monday that has them gone overnight. But Diana Lancaster can pick up on her children’s moods, even over the phone, and she would demand I go over there and talk to her. There’s no way I’m up for that. I need to sort through these feelings on my own.
I call for a pizza and get a beer out of the fridge. I grab the book I’m reading and set up on the porch. There’s no need for plates or utensils when you’re eating alone, so I won’t have to move after the pizza gets here. A long night by myself with my book and eating away my feelings is in order. And what a night it will be.
Lydia
7
I wake up on Sunday, after a long and crazy week. This week has been so fucking hectic, I’m going to need about ten thousand cups of coffee to recover. The Busy Bean has the best coffee, and I could use some girl time, so I call Rachael. Quickly agreeing to meet in about an hour, I hop into the shower and get ready, dragging my feet the entire time.
I haven’t seen her all week and have quite a bit to tell her. She had plans with the guys on Friday and skipped her library session and Friday night dinner.
As soon as we sit down with our coffee—because coffee first, always—I immediately start talking. “He’s showed up every fucking day, Rachael.”
“Are you serious? What does he want?”
I let out a frustrated sigh, “I don’t know. I only spoke to him on Monday. I kinda just kept walking past him and beelining it straight to my car.”
She cracks up, “You’ve just been walking past him? And what is he doing when you power walk past? God, I’m picturing you power walking, swinging your arms vigorously in a mad dash to your car.” Her laughter increases as she lays out her vision of me, which is unfortunately pretty fucking accurate. I join in because who the fuck does that? I’m a grown ass woman. I shouldn’t be power walking away from my problems.
“What’s so funny?” Mary asks as she sits down at the teal bistro table outside of her coffee shop. Rachael and I look at each other, then fall into another fit of giggles. “God, I always miss everything,” she huffs.
“You’re adorable when you pout, Mare. All those freckles all scrunched up. Just. So. Adorable.” I tap her on the nose punctuating each word, and she smiles at me.
“Thanks! Now tell me what’s going on.”
“Phew. Okay, I think I’m done.” Rachael says when she finally stops laughing. “Alright. Well, Max has been coming to the library at closing time every day since Monday. And guess what this bitch has been doing?”
“Oh, this’ll be good.”
“She’s been making a mad dash to her car RIGHT PAST HIM.”
“I spoke to him on Monday!” I throw out. It definitely sounded less pathetic in my head.
“So, you said. What did y’all talk about?”
“He tried to tell me that he misses me and still loves me,” I tell them in a mocking tone. “Like I could fucking believe that.”
“Of course you wouldn’t,” Rachael mutters under her breath.
“WHY SHOULD I? He fucking left me and never looked back.”
“Lydia, don’t get mad. It’s just, you—”
“I what, Rachael?” She bites her lip and starts wringing her hands together. Fuck. She really doesn’t want to tell me this, which means it’s something I definitely need to hear. “I’m sorry for snapping. Tell me, please.”
She gives me a pitiful look, and rushes through what she has to say without taking a breath, “It was such a long time ago and you were so broken up when you told me everything. I didn’t want to go against anything you said, because I don’t think you would have listened to me.”
“What are you trying to say, Rach?”
“I think that breaking up with Max was a bit premature, and you didn’t really consider how he was feeling. You kind of jump to conclusions and refuse to see things from anyone else’s perspective. You’re pretty fucking stubborn.”
“I absolutely did not. There was no other way to fucking see it. He changed his plans and left me out of them.”
“You told me he asked you to go with him.”
“AS AN AFTERTHOUGHT! And I asked him to fucking stay, but he was leaving with or without me. And when I couldn’t change my plans at the drop of a hat, he just left.”
“You’re doing it right now. You won’t even consider that he had a point, even nine years later.”
What she’s saying starts to sink in. I slump back in my chair and look over to Mary to back me up, but she’s looking into her coffee mug, as though she could find the solution to world peace in there. “Mary?”
“What? Oh. Uhm. She kinda has a point, Lydia. I always liked Max. He was a good guy, and so in love with you. It shocked the shit outta me when I found out y’all broke up. When you told me everything that happened, it was months later and I, uhm...I figured it wouldn’t do any good to say anything. I’m so sorry, Lydia.”
We sit there in silence, while I process the hard kick in the pants my two best friends just gave me. Was this all my fault?
“Do you wish we would have said something?” Rachael asks, regret written all over her face.
I don’t answer her at first, because honestly, I’m not really sure. Eventually, I shake my head, “No. It probably wouldn’t have done any good. You’re right, I am stubborn. If you said something then, when I was that upset, I most likely would have just ended up getting mad at you.” I plunk my head down onto the table. “Just leave me here to wallow in a pit of misery I apparently created for myself.”
“Stop. You’re so over dramatic. We’re not going to leave you here. We’re going to talk this through. I’m sorry I never said anything before, even if you would have gotten pissed, it was my job as your best friend to say something,” Rachael says, tugging at my limp arm. “Pick your head up and talk to us.”
“C’mon, Lydia. We’re grown now, we can work this out. Everything happens for a reason, maybe back then just wasn’t your time,” Mary adds with her bubbly attitude.
&nb
sp; “Bubbles, you are so sweet, don’t ever change." She smiles at me, and with a sigh, I add, "You’re right, I’m a grown ass woman and I can figure this out.” I sit up, putting an end to my dramatics. “So...what do I do?”
“Well, that depends. What do you want? Do you still love him?” Mary asks, her eyes shining with hope. That girl is such a hopeless romantic.
“Yes? Fuck. Yes, of course I still love him. If I didn’t love him, I wouldn’t have dragged you out last weekend to drink away my feelings.”
Rachael straightens up, going into problem-solving mode. I have a feeling that if I looked in her bag I would find a mystery novel. “Okay, good. Now that we’ve established that, you need to figure out if you can forgive him. Sure, you still love him. He was your first love, you’ll always have some sort of love for him. But, it’s been a long time. Can you forget all that hate you’ve harbored for so long?”
“I don’t know. I really fucking don’t.”
Lydia
8
When Mary had to go back into work, I told Rachael that I better get going as well. She gave me a worried look, but I reassured her that I was fine. I just have a lot to process, and the groceries aren’t going to buy themselves.
Walking into Midland Grocer, I grab a basket and say hello to the owner, Mikey. I need to pick up some lunch meat, so I head to the deli counter. After some unnecessary small talk, I get everything I need and move through the aisles, buying time. Classic avoidance. I know as soon as I get home, I’ll be forced to think about what the girls said.
A few aisles in, I see Maggie staring mindlessly at a package of pork rinds. “Hey, Maggie. How are you doing?” She doesn’t respond, she just keeps staring at the pork rinds. I touch her shoulder, “Maggie?”
She jumps, clutching the bag to her chest. “Oh, Lydia. I’m sorry. I didn’t hear you, honey.”
“That’s okay, Maggie. I was just asking how you were doing.” I give her a small smile.