Our time? Our time…our time. That’s right. They’d planned this meeting. She gritted her teeth and forced the clouds from her mind. “Our session, you mean?” Her voice was quiet and weak, nothing like she remembered herself sounding.
“Right. Our session. You were going to tell me more about your past…about what’s happened to upset you.”
Yes, that was it. She was upset. Very upset. She dug her fingertips into her temples and rubbed in small, tight circles. Then suddenly, almost as though she were seeing it played on a motion picture screen, her past began to appear right before her eyes.
As it did, she shared every detail with Dr. Camas.
It was the summer of 1991, the summer before Maggie’s senior year in college, a season when she was standing on the edge of everything pure and good and hope-filled about the future, a time when the plans God had for her life seemed firmly in reach.
It was the summer she met Ben Stovall.
Maggie had grown up in Akron; Ben, in Cleveland. Once a year the church Ben attended staged an annual Prayer and Picnic. It was a time when neighboring churches from various denominations could gather and agree on two things: the sovereignty of Christ and the necessity of prayer. Over time, the celebration grew until by the late 1980s the event lasted through the weekend and was sometimes attended by thousands of people from more than a dozen churches. Games were held for various age groups, and revival-style preaching echoed across the grounds each evening.
The summer of ′91 was the first time Maggie’s church had joined in. She was twenty-one and studying journalism at Akron University. There’d been nothing else going on that day so when her parents suggested the Cleveland picnic, Maggie agreed to go.
“Maybe I was trying to earn points with them,” Maggie told the doctor. “I never”.
Dr. Camas waited. “Yes?”
“I never knew if my mother was proud of me or not. She was quiet, I guess.”
Maggie drifted back again and explained that if one thing mattered to her parents, it was the importance of church family. After all, Maggie’s family was very involved in their small congregation. If the elders had planned an event for the weekend, the Johnson family would be there. It was that simple.
Flyers were handed out to people as they parked their cars and headed for the open field where the event was set up, and Maggie’s mother looked the information over carefully. “There seem to be events for young people too, dear. Why don’t you run along and see if there’s anyone you know? That way you won’t be stuck with us.”
Even now Maggie could hear the frown in her mother’s voice, feel her cool, impersonal touch as she turned Maggie in the right direction and sent her off to find her peers. She took the flyer and found the sports events at the east end of the field, and as she arrived at the location she saw a dozen friends from her church in Akron.
“You came!” Susie Fouts ran up and pulled Maggie into a hug.
“Nothing better to do.” Maggie linked arms with Susie and took in the scene. There were at least two hundred college kids milling about while a handful tried to organize games.
“They’re doing a tug-of-war, but it has to be teams. Come on…” Susie grabbed Maggie’s hand and pulled her into a full run. “We’re next.”
Maggie paused in her storytelling and stared at her hands.
“What is it?” Dr. Camas’s words did not come out in a hurry; clearly they weren’t demanding an explanation for her pause. Instead, they were gentle, carefully prodding, as though he were looking for the bruised area in an injury
Tears flooded Maggie’s eyes and she blinked them back, struggling to speak. “Susie…Susie…” She couldn’t finish, and a sense of panic welled up in her. What if she started sounding crazy again? What if she couldn’t force herself to remember? What if Susie hadn’t gotten sick…
Dr. Camas folded his hands comfortably and waited. “Whenever you’re ready, Maggie.”
She had the feeling the doctor would be content to wait that way into the evening if necessary After all, neither of them was going anywhere. She exhaled slowly “Susie was my best friend growing up.” She gulped and wiped a tear that had broken loose and tumbled down her cheek. “I…miss her.”
“Yes.”
Maggie looked up and again she saw that strange, comforting light in Dr. Camas’s eyes. Is that You, Lord? Beckoning me to Yourself?
No one wants you, Maggie. You’re not a Christian, you’re an imposter.
She shifted her gaze back to her hands. “She died in childbirth a year after Ben and I were married.” Maggie met the doctor’s eyes once more and saw them fill with compassion.
“I’m sorry.” His voice was warm, comforting.
“I…never told Ben.”
Dr. Camas said nothing, but Maggie thought he wanted her to continue. “He would have asked too many questions.”
Her mind drifted back again and the images returned. Susie running up to her, taking her hand. The two of them joining the group breathless and giggling. Maggie continued recounting the story.
Maggie’s church youth group lined up on one side of the rope opposite Cleveland Community. Since the Cleveland group was hosting the Prayer and Picnic weekend, they had matching shirts and boastful attitudes.
“They think they’re king of the tuggers, but not this time!” Susie shouted. “Come on everybody. Grab the rope and get ready.”
Both teams took their places, and at the last possible moment a young man on the opposing team stuck his head out of line and made eye contact with Maggie. Something in his smile made her heart skip a beat, and Maggie couldn’t help but grin at him.
“Pull!” A voice instructed loudly. The young man was still staring at her, and as the rope went taut, he lost his grip and was yanked forward where he fell face first in the dirt. Without his help, his team’s momentum shifted badly, and Maggie and her teammates surged backward, landing on the ground in what was an unquestionable victory.
“We did it!” Susie had one fist in the air and the other around Maggie’s neck. “I think it was the spinach I ate last night for dinner. Had to be good for something.”
Maggie stood up and dusted off her jeans, her eyes still focused on the guy from Cleveland Community. Susie followed her gaze. “Whatcha looking at, Mag?”
“Nothing.” Maggie turned away but it was too late.
“Don’t lie to me. You’re looking at that guy. The one who let go.” She looked from Maggie to the young man and back. “Hey, I think he likes you, Mag…” She lowered her voice and took another look at him, and both girls saw that he was standing up, brushing himself off, and taking a fair amount of ribbing from his friends. Later Susie had told her that every few seconds he was glancing in Maggie’s direction.
“Is he still looking at me?”
Susie nodded, her eyes wide. “He’s gorgeous, Mag. I’m serious.”
Maggie held her head high and kept her back to her apparent admirer. She hissed in a whisper barely loud enough for Susie to hear. “Stop staring at him. You’ll scare him off.”
Yanking Susie by the sleeve, the girls started to leave when the young man ran up. “Hey, wait!”
Maggie and Susie whirled around at the same time. Susie recovered first. “Did you want our autograph? We did just beat the host team, after all.”
“No…” His gaze connected with Maggie’s, and she felt an attraction that went to her very core, far beyond anything she’d ever known. “I’m Ben…Ben Stovall.”
The girls nodded, and Susie looked from Ben to Maggie and back again. “Well, I’ll be right back. My little sister’s at the picnic tables and I promised her a snow cone.”
“Yeah.” Ben tore his eyes away from Maggie for a moment and glanced at Susie. “Nice to meet you.”
Maggie tried to suppress a smile as Susie left. “You didn’t even get her name.”
A dimpled grin spread across his face. “I wasn’t trying to get her name…” Maggie felt something inside her begin to mel
t under his unshakable gaze. “I was trying to get yours.”
Susie’s family had to leave early that day, so Maggie and Ben spent the rest of the afternoon and evening playing Frisbee and water balloon toss and sitting side by side as they waited for the prayer meeting to begin.
He was the son of missionaries and had spent the first fourteen years of his life in and out of Africa. His parents worked for the church now, helping with outreach programs in downtown Cleveland.
“Why’d you come back?”
“Sports. I’m the oldest, and my parents knew I wanted to go to high school in the States.”
Over the next hour she learned that Ben had been quarterback of the Cleveland State University football team until he graduated the year before. Now he was about to begin his second year in the college’s law school. Maggie felt like she’d fallen into a marvelous dream until he said the words she’d been fearing all day.
“You seeing anyone?” His eyes sparkled in the waning sunlight and Maggie felt her heart quicken.
“No. You?”
“Actually…” His gaze fell and he poked his toe at a chunk of Bermuda grass. “Yes. But it isn’t serious.”
Eventually he filled in the details and admitted that her name was Deirdre. Her parents and his had been family friends forever and now she worked as a loan officer at a bank in Cleveland.
“But you aren’t…you know, serious?” Why was he paying her so much attention if he already had a girlfriend?
Ben shrugged. “Deirdre’s a nice girl. We’re definitely not serious physically, if that’s what you mean.” He caught Maggie’s gaze. “I’m waiting ’till marriage for that. You too?”
Maggie remembered the hot feeling that had worked its way up her cheeks. She was completely taken by Ben, by everything about him—even his knack for being completely direct. “Yeah, I’m waiting.”
He smiled at her, meeting her eyes in a way that made her insides melt like butter on hot bread. “Good.” His voice was smooth and measured as his gaze lingered. “I like-a girl who waits.”
Her cheeks grew hotter still, and she fingered the ring on her right hand.
Ben noticed and took her fingers carefully in his, examining the silver band. “Pretty. Who’s it from?”
Maggie’s senses were entirely focused on the way their fingers felt together. What is this? I barely know him. No one had ever made her feel the way this man, this stranger, was making her feel. “A faith promise ring. My dad gave it to me.”
Ben withdrew his hand and grinned at her again. “That’s great, Maggie. Making a promise to wait until you’re married to have sex, and knowing your father’s praying for you. Not many girls around like you, you know that?”
“What about Deirdre?” Maggie was enjoying his attention, but if he had a girlfriend…
“I guess the trouble is I’ve never really felt any spark with her.” Something about his tone of voice left Maggie no doubt that he was feeling sparks now. His smile faded, but his eyes welled with admiration for her. “Know what I mean?”
She swallowed and glanced down at her hands as they twisted nervously. “I think so.”
The evening music and sermon were getting ready to start and Ben took her hand. “Come on, let’s find somewhere to sit.”
Maggie looked around. “Is she here?”
“Deirdre? No. Her cousin invited her to Detroit for the week.”
Maggie silently blessed the girl’s cousin and felt herself relax. If it wasn’t serious and Ben wasn’t in love with this other girl, then what was the harm of enjoying his company for one night?
Their conversation continued, and Ben told her about his plans to be a district attorney. He seemed intently interested when Maggie told him her dream of writing for the newspaper one day.
“This country needs people like you out there reporting the news, Mag.” It was the first time he’d called her that, and Maggie felt her heart lurch. Somehow it seemed like the most natural thing in the world, sitting next to him, pretending he was her boyfriend and not some other girl’s, hearing him call her Mag. A summer breeze danced over the dry field grass, and a praise band warmed up in the distance.
Maggie studied him while he talked. His words came out slow and deliberately, honey leaving a jar, and confidence was as much a part of his facial features as his chiseled chin and dancing blue eyes. In all the hundreds of college age guys at the picnic, clearly Ben was the most desirable.
With a sigh at the memory, Maggie stared sadly at Dr. Camas. “About that time I began having this, I don’t know…a strange feeling, I guess. It made me remember something that happened when I was in seventh grade.”
Dr. Camas shifted slightly, his eyes locked on hers. “Why don’t you tell me about it, if you’re comfortable.”
Maggie nodded. “I was at Camp Kiloka, at a church retreat the fall I was thirteen. The first night of camp I stayed up late into the night talking to my counselor…”
The moment took shape in Maggie’s mind, and she told the story, capturing every detail.
“Do you ever pray about the man you’ll marry one day?” The older girl had asked. She was a college student, a volunteer who’d come along as a chaperone.
Maggie had shrugged. “Not really. I guess I’m too young to think about it.”
The college girl looked surprised. “Your parents are Christians, right?”
“Right.”
“I thought all Christian kids prayed about their spouses.”
Loneliness stabbed at her. “My mom and dad are busy. We don’t…pray together much.”
Maggie and the girl were inseparable the rest of the weekend, and when Maggie came home she had a changed attitude toward prayer. From that point on she had done as the girl suggested and prayed for her future husband, that he would stay strong in the Lord and that she’d recognize him when she saw him.
Maggie was quiet.
“Did you feel that way then, when you met Ben?” Dr. Camas folded his hands together and angled his head thoughtfully.
Tears stung at Maggie’s eyes. “Sitting beside Ben Stovall that warm summer night in 1991, listening to him talk about his faith and feeling him so strong beside me, I could almost hear God telling me he was the one.”
Without further prompting from the doctor, Maggie continued her story.
As the evening wore on their conversation grew more personal. She told him how strict her parents had been and that she had never had a serious boyfriend.
“Come on, Mag, there must be a string of guys pounding down your door.” The sky was growing darker, and the moonlight shone in his eyes, making a picture Maggie knew even back then she’d never forget.
She considered his statement. Boys had always been interested. But her parents hadn’t allowed her to date until she was sixteen. And now that she was in college she was often too busy with her studies for serious boyfriends. Most of her social life was spent in group settings with friends from church. A gentle smile filled her face and she angled her head so their eyes met again. “No one special.”
Ben grinned at her, and Maggie felt another rush of heat in her cheeks. “You know something? I knew from the beginning you were different.” She felt herself grow shy under his unwavering stare. “Do you know how many girls call themselves Christians but act like everyone else? Most of the girls I know have already given in.”
Maggie raised her eyebrows. “Deirdre?” Was that why they weren’t more serious?
Ben’s face filled with sadness and disappointment as he nodded. “She regrets it, but that doesn’t change the fact. She gave in and now she’ll never have that part of her back again.”
“Is that why…” Maggie was afraid to ask the question that welled in her heart, but she could tell by Ben’s expression he understood.
“I don’t know. Maybe.” He stared up at the stars for a beat. “I care about her a lot. I just can’t picture marrying her.”
Though his statement sounded harsh, Maggie couldn’t say sh
e disagreed with him. There was nothing arrogant in his tone, but his words made her thankful she was a virgin. Thankful she would never be considered damaged goods by Ben or any other man. For a moment she imagined how she might feel if she had already had sex—and she couldn’t help but wince. Ben’s words would have felt like stones cast directly at her heart.
“You know what I mean?” He was waiting for her reaction.
“Definitely.” Maggie nodded and thought of the friends she knew—some of whom attended various church college groups—who were having sex with their boyfriends. Since her junior high retreat she had believed what the college chaperone told her: “God has a plan for you, Maggie, if only you’ll follow His ways. Remember how special you are; God wouldn’t want you to give yourself away to anyone but your husband.”
Maggie wasn’t sure she had understood the words then, but she understood them that evening at the picnic, with Ben inches from her. In that moment she felt sure she’d achieved something great and honorable by staying pure.
The praise music was drawing to a close, the prayer meeting about to begin when Ben looked intently at her. “Maggie, do you believe in love at first sight, the kind of love that’s meant to be?”
Maggie had felt her heart dissolving and she was thankful for the cover of night so that Ben couldn’t see the way her hands trembled. “I guess I believe God’s going to work things out for me. One day He’ll introduce me to the right guy.”
“Can I tell you something?” Ben lowered his head so that there was no way anyone but Maggie could hear him.
“Uh-huh.” Maggie kept her eyes focused on his. She wanted to shout out loud that yes, she believed in love at first sight, because she’d just experienced it. And that she would love him until the day she died. But all she said was, “I’m listening.”
Ben hesitated, and Maggie could see how serious he’d become. “I feel something different with you, Mag. It’s like I knew you the moment I saw you.”
Maggie drew back a few inches and glanced around. Her parents would not think kindly of her sitting so close to a guy she’d only met that day—even if she was a junior in college. “What about your girlfriend?”
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