Ben let his head drop. “She couldn’t take me anymore, either.” He glanced up. “I’ve had some long talks with God about this. He’s done a good job of showing me how I held Maggie—everyone really—to an almost unattainable standard. But still…if only she’d told me.”
“Do you think there’s hope? For your marriage, I mean?” Kathy reached for her coffee and took a slow sip.
Ben rubbed the back of his neck, then sat straighter in his, chair. “Realistically, I don’t know. But I believe Scripture is true and that with God all things are possible, Kathy Even this.”
Amanda walked into the room carrying her tattered, beige suitcase. “I’m ready.”
Kathy felt a surge of panic. Not yet, Lord. I don’t want to say good-bye. She steadied herself and forced a smile. “Okay, honey. Come on, let’s load up the car.”
The three of them walked outside, and Ben lifted the suitcase into the trunk as Kathy waved to her other children. “Come on, say good-bye to Amanda.”
One by one they bid her good-bye, promising to see her soon and talk on the phone. This was a familiar scene for them, but only the older ones knew the finality of the situation this time. As far back as they could remember, Amanda came and went from their lives. There were no tears among them, and Kathy could tell by their faces that even the older children believed somehow she’d be back. Probably sooner than later.
Sometime in the next few days she’d have to explain that this time was different.
“We’ll see you all the time, right?” Jenika was the only one who looked concerned.
“Yes, Cleveland’s only five hours away.” She smiled at Ben. They had discussed the different scenarios—whether Maggie would want to take custody of Amanda or whether she might prefer a trial extended foster care period—either way, they would need to work with the Cincinnati court and Kathy in order to keep the paperwork straight.
There would be visits, but Amanda’s time with the Garretts would never be what it had been before.
The other children returned to their game, leaving Kathy and Ben and Amanda huddled in a small circle. “I’ll be back next week, right?” Amanda peered up at Kathy and bit her lip.
“Right, sweetheart. Mr. Stovall will have to file some papers to determine what type of arrangement you’ll have with their family.” Please, Lord, let me be right. Don’t let them reject her after all she’s been through. The one possibility none of them had dared consider was that Maggie might be willing to take Ben back, but not Amanda. If that happened… Kathy refused to think about it. God was in control, and He knew there was only so much a child could take.
Ben put his hand on the girl’s shoulder and smiled warmly at her. “Once things get settled we can come back and visit Kathy any time you like, okay? We have a lot to do next week, introducing you to your mom and all of us getting to know each other. But well be back.”
Amanda’s eyes fell, and she studied her feet for a moment. Then in a burst of motion she threw her arms around Kathy. Dropping to her knees, Kathy held Amanda close and whispered into her hair, praying the child couldn’t hear the tears in her voice. “This is what you’ve always wanted, Amanda. It’s okay It’s a good thing.”
“I-I-I’m going to m-m-miss you so much, Kathy. Who will t-t-tuck me in and talk to me at night when I’m s-s-scared?” Amanda rarely cried, a trait Kathy recognized all too well among children who’d survived year after year in the foster system. But the pain Amanda was feeling now was terrible, and Kathy wiped the child’s tears as they streamed down her face.
“Mr. Stovall will.” Please, God, let it be true… “And your real mother will, too, one day I believe that with all my heart.”
Those final words seemed to comfort her and she pulled back, studied Kathy for a minute, then leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. “I’ll always love you, Kathy.”
The lump in Kathy’s throat was so big she couldn’t speak. Instead she nodded and pulled Amanda to her one more time. “I’ll always love you, too, honey.” Her voice was hoarse with sorrow. “Now go on and don’t forget to pray. God has a plan for you, Amanda.” She stood up and gently presented the child to Ben. In a whispered voice intended for him alone she said, “I’ll be praying for you.”
He studied her for an instant and then shook his head slightly. “You’re amazing, Kathy.”
“Call me when you know how it’s going, okay?” She could feel tears falling from her eyes and wiped at them self-consciously. “Now go on and see what God has for you.”
The two of them climbed into the car.
Kathy remained on her driveway until she could no longer see the sadness in Amanda’s eyes or the way she reached out her hand toward Kathy from the side window.
When the car was gone, she let the tears come. Waves and torrents of them, washing the pain from her heart and causing her to remain firmly in place, unable to walk or move or do anything but miss the ray of sunshine that had just been taken from her life.
“What is it, Mom? What’s wrong?”
She looked up to find Bobby, her youngest, beside her, his eyes wide. He must have seen her crying and left his game to come to her.
She swallowed and tried to find her voice as she put her arm around his small shoulders. “Nothing, honey. Mommy’s just happy, that’s all. Very, very happy.”
It was eight o’clock on Saturday morning, and Amanda was still sleeping. Ben’s heart raced and he couldn’t still his shaking hands.
Would Maggie refuse his request like every time before? Or would she understand that at some point they needed to talk? Lord, speak to her heart. Make her understand that we need this time, and if she’ll let me see her, please open her heart.
As Ben picked up the phone, a knot formed in his stomach. It’s like a first date, he thought. Then he dialed Orchards Psychiatric Hospital and held his breath. “This is Ben Stovall.” He closed his eyes and exhaled. “My wife, Maggie, is a patient there, and I’d like to make an appointment to see her, please.”
“Mr. Stovall?” The nurse sounded like she was about to end the conversation, and Ben clenched his fists.
Come on, God. I need Your help. “Yes. My wife’s been there for quite some time…”
He heard the nurse sigh. “Yes, Mr. Stovall, I’m aware of that. Your wife has requested no visits, no phone—”
“Wait! I know that’s how it was before. But I thought now that she’s been there a while…just ask her, will you? This is…it means a lot. Please.”
There was a hesitation. “All right. I’ll ask her. Hold for a minute.”
While the seconds passed, Ben thought of how far he and Amanda had come over the past couple of days. She was cautious about giving her heart, but they had forged a bond over Scrabble games and picnics at the park and knock-knock jokes that would make a foundation for the future. If there is a future. Come on, Maggie. Meet with me.
Two nerve-racking minutes passed before the woman returned to the phone. “You were right.” There was apology in her voice. “Mrs. Stovall said she’ll meet with you this afternoon at two o’clock.”
Ben felt relief surge through his body. He had so much to tell her, so much ground to make up. To think that she’d loved him enough to let Amanda go…
“Thank you. Please tell her I’ll be there.”
He could barely wait to tell Amanda, but before that, before anything else might distract him, he clasped his hands, bowed his head, and thanked God. Of all the pain and discovery he’d been through in the past month, the most incredible lesson of all was this: He’d finally gotten a glimpse of the real Maggie, the woman beneath the mask…the woman he’d married. What he’d seen there was flawed and real, warm and caring.
And more beautiful than anything she had ever pretended to be.
Thirty-five
THE DISCHARGE PAPERS CAME LESS THAN AN HOUR BEFORE BEN’S call, and Maggie wondered if Dr. Camas or Dr. Baker or one of the well-meaning Christian attendants at the hospital hadn’t tipped Ben off. Th
e doctors had agreed the day before that Maggie was ready to live life on her own again. She had come face to face with clinical depression and by God’s grace she had not been consumed. Instead she had explored the darkness and analyzed the desperation until finally she was coming to understand it, willing to be honest with herself and God and everyone else.
Even Ben.
Her anger and resentment toward him had been replaced with a sorrow deeper than anything Maggie had ever known. She would apologize to him, though she knew it wouldn’t make any difference. Their marriage still seemed like a pretense—a way to manage the passing of the years—rather than anything real and intimate the way God had intended.
That doesn’t mean the Lord wants you to go your separate ways.
Maggie nodded at the thought. They were, after all, still legally married. Even if nothing about their marriage had ever been true.
She sighed. The point was probably moot, anyway. Once Ben learned the truth he would hire a divorce attorney quicker than she could ask for forgiveness.
Maggie, open your heart to Me, to My ways…
The call came from deep within, and tears filled Maggie’s eyes as she recognized the still, small voice. Lord, if You want me to stay with Ben You’ll have to change us both. I’m willing, Lord. But he has to forgive me. A sob escaped and bounced off the walls of her hospital room. Oh, if only he could forgive me…
The tears came harder until Maggie closed her eyes and forced herself to regain control. Ben would be there any moment; there would be time for tears later. Now she needed to think about what she would say, how things would go, and what she might do if he turned and walked out of her life forever.
She sat on the edge of her bed and looked around the room. It looked more like a luxury hotel accommodation than part of a hospital. After weeks of living here, the subdued, striped wallpaper was beginning to-feel like home—the only home where she’d been able to be herself for too many years. Although she still had much to work out about her life outside Orchards, she would always be grateful for their intervention.
And for leading her back to a place of freedom in Christ.
She would stay through the weekend, but by Monday morning she needed a place to go, to live. Maggie looked at the clock on the wall. Ten minutes, and Ben would be there. Her heart raced, and the anxiety that had welled up within her would not go away, but the darkness was gone. There was no doubt about that.
Maggie noticed her palms were sweaty and she wiped them on her pants. A combination of God’s grace, her willingness to be honest, and the medications and counseling had set Maggie free in a way she had never imagined possible.
But the questions loomed.
Where did she go from here? Would she and Ben be able to salvage their life together, to go on together in truth and honesty?
She didn’t know She could always rent an apartment until she figured out what to do.
The idea of returning to the paper ratcheted Maggie’s anxiety up a notch. Did her coworkers know where she’d been? What would they think? Worse, what would her editors think? Yes, they’d told her in the beginning to take her time, that no matter what happened her job would be there when she returned. But how could she resume writing a conservative, morally minded column when she had pretended to be something she wasn’t?
Trust in Me with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.
As soon as the Scripture flashed in her mind, Maggie’s heart rate slowed and she felt infused with strength. She could do this; she could face Ben and, with God’s help, she could deal with whatever the outcome was. She hung her head and wove her fingers tightly together. God, You’ve been so good to me. Your words are nothing less than a healing oil to my spirit.
In all your ways acknowledge Me and I will make your paths straight.
There it was again, absolute truth, the very words that had so often provided her a safe tower—and they would do so again in the coming minutes with Ben. Those words were a road map that she could safely follow the rest of her days. And somewhere along the journey she knew she’d find the daughter she gave up. That certainty pulsed within her as strongly as her renewed desire to live. With her mind fixed on God, and thoughts of her child filling her head, Maggie was reminded that although the next hour might be one of the saddest of all, she had every reason to be excited about the future.
The only question was whether Ben wanted to travel it with her or not.
Although Thanksgiving was just four days away, the weather was unseasonably warm and sunshine filtered through a hazy layer of clouds as Ben parked his car and he and Amanda headed, hand in hand, for the front door of Orchards Psychiatric Hospital.
He’d explained to Amanda that her mother was not sick in the way some people get sick, with coughs and high fevers. But she was sick all the same—it had more to do with her heart, where feelings and thoughts can get all tangled up.
“She’s been very sad, Amanda.”
“Sad enough to be in the hospital for a long time?” Ben was pleased that the girl’s stuttering had disappeared after the first day with him. He’d purchased a pink-flowered bedspread for the guestroom to make Amanda feel more comfortable, and she’d loved it. She talked to Kathy every night and seemed to be adjusting well.
“Yes, sad enough for that.”
Amanda had smiled a little, empathy dimming the usual glow in her eyes. “Then I’ll have to pray extra hard for her.”
The fact that Maggie had agreed to the meeting at all proved that God was, indeed, at work answering their prayers. Ben opened the front door and he and Amanda entered the lobby.
“Looks like a rich person’s house,” Amanda whispered to him. Her eyes were wide as she took in the velvet upholstery and elegant curves of the carved mahogany furniture. She moved closer to him.
Ben’s mouth was dry from the raw terror that ran through his veins. What if Maggie turns me away? What if she doesn’t want to meet Amanda? What if she’s mad at me for finding her? What if she—
Trust in Me with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding…
I’m trying, Lord, really I am. I can’t even believe I’m here. Open her heart, God…I love her so much more than ever before. He swallowed hard before leading Amanda to a chair near the reception desk. “Stay here, sweetie. I’ll talk to Maggie first and then…then you can come in and meet her.”
She sat quickly in the chair, gripping the armrests firmly and keeping her eyes trained on him. Her hair looked like the palest spun gold, and she wore a new pink dress that they’d picked out together for the occasion. Ben could see how Amanda’s knees trembled beneath the skirt, and for a moment he forgot his own fears at the realization of how frightened the child must be.
Meeting her mother for the first time had to be the most overwhelming moment of Amanda’s life. He stooped and put his hands on her shoulders. “It’s going to be okay, Amanda. God wants us to trust Him.”
Her eyes were locked on his, absorbing his words and every ounce of strength they might offer. She nodded quickly “Okay.”
Ben grinned and squeezed her hand. “Thatta girl.”
He checked in with the receptionist and was given directions to Maggie’s room.
“Could you keep an eye on her?” He motioned to Amanda. “I don’t want to bring her in just yet.”
“No problem.” The woman behind the counter smiled warmly at Amanda as Ben winked at the child and headed down the hall toward Maggie’s room. With each step he felt more and more like a giddy, nervous schoolboy, as though he were about to find the angel of his dreams and ask her to be his steady girl. Make her say yes, God, please. Although his heart moved along twice as fast as his feet, he was suddenly just outside Maggie’s door.
Whatever happened now Ben knew this much: The rest of his life depended on the next few minutes.
The gentle knock at the door made Maggie jump, and she stared at the handle for several seconds before standing. Give me the right words, Lor
d…
“Coming.” She opened the door and there he was. Ben Stovall, the man of her childhood dreams, the one for whom she had been willing to sacrifice everything: her honesty, her heart, even her daughter.
Like the first time she saw him, she felt her breath catch in her throat. Ben’s conservative, darkly handsome looks were so striking they could stop women at a busy supermarket—which they had done a number of times.
“Maggie…” His eyes were tender and filled with teary forgiveness, and she felt herself flinch. If he knew what was coming he may look different…
They stood there, drinking in the sight of each other—and Maggie realized how long she’d been away and how much she’d missed the nearness of this man. Without saying another word, Ben moved to her and pulled her close. They came together the way two people do at a funeral, when someone they both love has passed on. His embrace told her everything she could ever want to know, that he loved her and missed her and wanted her home.
With all her heart she wanted to let him hold her that way forever and never tell him the things he needed to hear.
But finally she could bear it no longer and, tears pricking her eyes, she pulled away. “I need to tell you something.” Her words were so heavy with sorrow Maggie expected to hear them hitting the floor.
Ben searched her eyes. “No…me first. Please, Maggie, I—”
“We both need to talk; I realize that. But there’s something you need to know first. Something I should have told you years ago. Before we were married.”
The weight of what she’d done to him, to their marriage, to her child was almost too much to bear. Ben sat down on the edge of her bed, and though her feet felt like they were dragging through syrup she pulled up a chair and sat across from him, her eyes trained on the floor. After a moment she looked up and spoke in what sounded like barely a whisper. “I’m not even sure where to begin.”
There was an energy exuding from Ben, and suddenly his eyes flashed with realization. “Maggie, you don’t have to.” He looked like he wanted to close the gap between them and take her in his arms again, but was too nervous to do so. “I already know.”
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