The Last of the Red Hot Vampires

by Katie MacAlister

Chapter 6

 

  "Well?" Sarah asked the next morning as I staggered into the small room on the first floor that the pub owner said would serve as our private dining room.

  "I'm still alive, my head is still attached to my body, and no other evil elderly people tried to beat the crap out of me after I went to bed," I said, slumping gratefully into a chair.

  "Did you talk to the police yet?"

  "Just got off the phone with them. Good morning, Darla. Yes, thank you, coffee and toast. And perhaps an egg, and that delicious-looking marmalade. Is there any bacon? Oh, good. I'll have some bacon, too. And a grapefruit, if you have one. "

  The barmaid/waitress who fed us breakfast and dinner gave me a curious look, but toddled off to bring me the requested foodstuffs.

  "And?" Sarah asked around a mouthful of eggs and grilled tomato, a combination that made me shudder just looking at it.

  "It's not polite to talk with your mouth full. "

  She made a face that would be more appropriate on her youngest child.

  "I talked to the same sergeant who interviewed us yesterday, and he said they haven't found Theo, nor the two deranged women who attacked me at the s¨¦ance. They have an address for Theo, but it's somewhere up north, and whoever is checking on it hasn't reported in yet. They want us to go in later and look at mug shots, in case he has an arrest history. "

  "So basically there are no leads," Sarah said, blowing on her cup of tea.

  "Exactly. Thanks, Darla. " I sipped the coffee set before me with pleasure that approached bliss, and wondered if I couldn't just have it administered intravenously.

  "I've been thinking," Sarah said as she set down her cup.

  "Good gravy, not that! Shall I alert the newspapers?"

  "Oh, ha ha. You should be a comedian. " She dabbed at her lips and gave me a stern look that had me giggling into my coffee. "About those two women last night. "

  "If you're going to pick on me because I was beat up by an elderly woman - "

  "No, I'm not. But that makes up a good part of my point. It's not normal for little old ladies to go around attacking people. "

  I rubbed the bump on the back of my head, wincing slightly when my fingers found a particularly tender spot. "Granted, but that doesn't change the fact that one did. While everyone stood around and let her, I might add. "

  Sarah's blue eyes were uncommonly grave. "I told you that I couldn't move. Judging by what happened with the others at the s¨¦ance, I assume the same thing applied to them, only they had a mind wipe afterward. "

  "Mind wipe?" A horrible suspicion occurred to me. "Oh no, you're not going to tell me that what happened last night was something paranormal, are you?"

  "Let's look at the facts," Sarah said, ticking items off her fingers. "First, two women show up at a s¨¦ance knowing your name and that you are a virtue. "

  "I am not a virtue," I said, waiting for Darla to serve my breakfast and leave the room before continuing. "A virtue is not a person, it's a concept. "

  "Yes, but how did they know you would be at that exact spot at that exact time?" Sarah asked, triumph evident in her voice.

  "Easy. " I smeared a little homemade berry jam on my toast and took a bite. "They asked the pub owner. Or Darla. Or the shopkeeper down the road whom you told just about our entire schedule to. Any one of those three people knew we were going off to that s¨¦ance. "

  "Yes, but how would someone know who to ask, eh?"

  I rolled my eyes and chewed my toast.

  "Second, the women were there to administer the first in who-knows-how-many trials. I'm not sure what that's all about, but I know we'll figure it out sooner or later. "

  I licked a smidgen of jam off my upper lip. "Right, and since Theo mentioned something about trials earlier, it's obvious they are working with him. Honestly, Sarah, it's as clear as the noses on both our faces - you're a famous author. You have gazillions of readers all over the world. Somehow, Theo got hold of the news that you were going to be in the area, no doubt from your English publisher, and since you make no bones about believing in every out-there theory floating around, he decided to set up an elaborate hoax to sucker you in. "

  "Sucker me in for what?" she asked, looking mulish.

  I waved the jam spoon around. "I don't know, but it has to be something to do with money. Why else would he go to all the time and expense of hiring people to playact the parts of Hope, Tansy, and the big, horsey Dame Margaret woman. "

  "You can't tell me you seriously believe that nothing paranormal happened last night!" Sarah's face mirrored her disbelief. "How on earth do you explain that bright blue light? Or Mystic Bettina and the others having their memories wiped clean? Or the fact that I was held immobile while you were being beaten up?"

  "Flat-panel lights in the ceiling, they were lying, and hypnosis," I said, wiping the crumbs off my mouth and pushing my plate aside. "You ready to go? We can swing by the police station first, before we head out to look for the Hound of the Baskervilles. "

  "It's not the Hound of the Baskervilles, as you very well know. The Black Shuck is a ghostly black dog according to local legend, and evidently it's become quite active the last few years. . . oh, never mind. The Shuck can wait. It's not supposed to appear before dark anyway. You're being entirely unreasonable about this, Portia. The bet aside, I don't understand why you are so unwilling to admit that you have become involved with something highly paranormal. "

  "You have yet to prove to me that anything paranormal has happened," I said with complacency that I knew would drive her wild. I was right. She lectured me for the next few hours while we drove out to view a circle of stones known as the Angry Stones. We didn't see or hear either the singing reputed to be audible or the medieval fair that supposedly haunts the area, although we did have a pleasantly relaxing drive through the country.

  "This has been a lovely day," I said five hours later as we drove past the area containing the faery circle and headed for the humpbacked bridge leading into our town. "Beautiful countryside, shopping, lunch at a five-hundred-year-old pub. . . it's everything I imagined this trip would be. "

  "It is pretty country, isn't it?"

  "Yes. " I sighed, reality pressing down on me again. "I suppose we should visit the police before dinner and do the mug-shot thing with them. Ugh. What a way to end such an idyllically normal day. Not one single event had your paranormal meter shrieking. "

  "I never shriek," Sarah said as she rounded the corner before the bridge. At the sight of a figure standing smack-dab in the center of the bridge, she slammed her foot down on the brakes, and shrieked, "Dear god in heaven, where did he come from?"

  The car skidded to a stop a few feet away from the man on the bridge. I narrowed my eyes as the man walked around to my side of the car. "I'm beginning to think the local loony bin. Don't just sit there - drive!"

  "What? Are you blind? That's Theo!"

  "My point exactly. Drive!"

  "But he obviously wants to say somethiiiii - Portia!"

  "Whatever he wants to say, he can say it to a policeman," I said grimly, leaning backward at an odd angle so I could keep my foot on the accelerator.

  "You could have killed him!" Sarah yelled. "Get your foot out of the way! I can't drive with your foot like that!"

  We whipped past Theo at a faster-than-normal pace. Despite Sarah's exaggeration, he wasn't in any danger of being run over; he'd been in the process of walking around to my side of the car, and wasn't anywhere near the front. I ignored Sarah's continued demands that I put my foot back, waiting until we were through most of the town before assuming a more traditional passenger position.

  "If you ever do that again - I swear to god, Portia, sometimes I just want to strangle you! What will Theo think?" We came to an abrupt halt in front of a small cluster of stone buildings.

  I unhooked the seat belt and got out of the car, grabbing the replacement purse I'd purchased earlier. "Sarah, he's a con man, nothing more. We don'
t care what he thinks. "

  "I care. " She had a familiar mulish look on her face again, one that warned she was going to do something unreasonable. "You can go look at your precious mug shots if you want. " She put the car in gear and reversed smoothly away from the police station. "I'm going to go back and apologize to Theo for your rudeness. "

  "Sarah! It's not safe for you to see him alone - oh, crapbeans!" I watched with frustration as my friend drove off through the town, worried that she would put herself into Theo's power and end up regretting her naive belief that he was not a bad man.

  I thought about washing my hands of her, but Sarah was my oldest friend, and I couldn't leave her to the mercy of such a possibly dangerous man as Theo. I marched into the police station, intent on saving Sarah despite herself.

  A short, balding man was at the reception counter, the only other person in the entryway. Beyond him, walls that were half glass gave the room light, and allowed the occupants to see what was going on in other sections of the station. Two policemen, and one policewoman, sat at desks typing industriously on their keyboards.

  "Hello. You must be Portia Harding," the policeman at the reception desk said, coming around to shake my hand. He had a pleasant smile, and warm, friendly brown eyes that had me smiling back despite my distress. "I'm Terrin. "

  "It's a pleasure to meet you. Is Sergeant Reading here? She's the one we spoke with yesterday. "

  Terrin glanced behind him at the people in the other office. "Looks like she's stepped out for a bit. Shall we get started? This shouldn't take too much of your time. "

  "I'd be happy to, but I've just seen the man who assaulted me outside of town, and my friend has gone off to talk with him. If you hurry, I'm sure you can nab him before he escapes again. "

  A slight frown wrinkled his forehead. "Who would that be?"

  "Theo North. You know, the man who assaulted me and kidnapped us?" I slapped my hands on my thighs, annoyed that he wasn't springing to life to capture Theo. "Are you at all familiar with the situation involving myself and my friend?"

  "Of course I am," he laughed, taking my arm and guiding me to the far end of the room. "It's what I get paid to do. So to speak. Theo North. Hmm. The name is ringing a bell, but I can't put a face to it. While I'm thinking on it, why don't we get started?"

  I stared at the policeman in disbelief, marching over to where he stood. "I am not going to stay here and do nothing while my friend is in danger!"

  "The sooner you're finished, the sooner you can help her," he said soothingly, gently escorting me back to the corner.

  "Oh, this is ridiculous. I'm going to go get my friend, and then you can bet I'll be back to complain to your superior about your callous disregard of human life!" I took one step forward and stopped, my skin crawling with horror as the black and white checkered tile floor that filled the reception area melted away to nothing. Everything but the two tiles I was standing on, and the two where Terrin stood across the room, was gone, a black pit of emptiness in its place.

  "Sweet mother of reason," I swore, closing my eyes for a moment in hopes that whatever optical illusion I was seeing would disappear.

  It didn't.

  "All you need do to complete this trial is walk over to me," Terrin said with a happy little smile that I badly wanted to smack right off his face.

  "This is not happening," I told him, shaking my finger at him. "Floors do not just disappear. And since I haven't been around any faery rings to breathe in hallucinogenic spores that don't show up on hospital tests, I doubt if this is a hallucination. Thus, I must be dreaming. An extremely lucid dream, one I want to stop right this very minute. "

  I closed my eyes tightly and willed myself to wake up.

  "I'm afraid I don't have a lot of time to give to your trial," Terrin said.

  My eyes popped open at the word trial. He looked at his watch. "This isn't a timed event, but I do have other appointments I must attend to, so I would appreciate it if you could please focus on the matter at hand. "

  "Good gravy, you're another henchman?"

  Terrin's eyebrows rose. "Pardon?"

  "You're another one of Theo's henchmen, aren't you? Just like those two ladies? How many of you are there? It must be hugely expensive hiring so many people to play these silly roles. Regardless, I'm not going to do whatever it is he is paying you to get me to do, so feel free to go on to your other appointments. " I crossed my arms and tried to look decisive and absolute without appearing bitchy.

  "I assure you, Portia Harding, I am not in the pay of Theo North. " Terrin's gaze on me was steady. "Now if we could dispense with the drama, could you please walk over to me?"

  "You have not begun to see drama," I warned, giving him a look that should have singed off his eyebrows. "I consider this harassment of the purest form, and I will have no qualms whatsoever about lodging a complaint with the police about you if you do not cease with this ridiculous persecution!"

  Terrin laughed, genuine amusement in his face. "The police? They have no jurisdiction over me, at least not the mortal sort. Please, time is passing quickly. If you could just walk over to me, we will both be free to go about our respective ways. "

  "You are insane if you think I'm going to walk anywhere near you," I told him, glancing at the floor. "Not that I believe your little optical tricks. "

  The amusement in his eyes deepened. "I see. You don't believe that I have made the floor disappear?"

  "Absolutely not. This is nothing more than an illusion. It's done with lights and mirrors, or holograms, or some other sort of sophisticated projection. "

  "An interesting supposition. Would you care to prove it?" he asked, holding out a hand for me.

  I glanced nervously from his hand to the floor. I knew, I knew that the floor hadn't disappeared into nothing despite the apparently yawning chasm in front of me. It was physically impossible. Thus, what I was seeing had to be an illusion. And if it was an illusion, then it was perfectly safe for me to walk across the floor.

  At least, that's what I told myself. My legs refused to move, however.

  A little bell jangled over the door to the street, heralding the arrival of someone. . . someone tall, dark, and incredibly handsome, someone whose mere presence had me grinding my teeth.

  "What have you done with Sarah?" I asked before Theo was fully into the reception area. He stopped as soon as he stepped over the threshold, two tiles suddenly appearing beneath his feet. He glanced down at the apparently missing floor, then over to me. "I see the trial has begun. "

  "Ahhh," Terrin said, giving Theo a shuttered look. "Now I remember. You are the one who has been petitioning the Court for the last two hundred years. "

  Theo made a small bow. "Two hundred and twelve, to be precise. "

  "Indeed. And you are also now a champion?" Terrin looked thoughtful.

  "Yes. " Theo shot me a quick look.

  "That might just do it, you know," Terrin told him. "Hasn't been done in a few centuries, but there is precedent. "

  I mustered up as much of a glare as I could, given the odd circumstances. "Where is Sarah? What have you done with her? And don't tell me you haven't seen her; she drove off to find you, and she's very single-minded when she wants to be. "

  "She went back to her room. She wished to see the trial, but I told her that you would no doubt prefer to conduct the trial without an audience. " Theo's gaze swept around the room. "Unusual spot you chose to have it. "

  "I didn't choose anything! You people keep hounding me wherever I go, and I'm getting sick and tired of it. " I carefully turned and waved my hands in the air to catch the attention of the police behind the glass walls. "And I'm going to put a stop to it right here and now. Hey! Hello! Need help out here! Dangerous criminal and his buddy right here in your station!"

  The police people paid no attention whatsoever to either my frantic arm-waving or shouts, not so much as a single person looking up to see what was going on in their reception area.


  "Portia, they can't see or hear you. They can't see or hear any of us until the trial is over," Theo said, holding out a hand for me. "Walk over here and it will be over, and then I can explain to you what's going on. "

  "Dream on," I snapped, wondering if they'd drugged everyone in the police station. Maybe some sort of drug in the water cooler that made everyone unaware of what was going on around them?

  "I'm afraid I'm going to have to put this down as a refusal," Terrin said, pulling a small notebook out of his pocket. "This will be the second trial you've failed, I believe. You know, of course, that if you fail a third you will be disqualified and your application denied?"

  "What is it you want?" I asked Theo. "Money? You won't get it, you know. I don't have any, and Sarah's husband is a lawyer who would grind you under his heel if you so much as thought about holding her for ransom. "

  Theo dropped his hand. "Is the floor here?"

  "Yes, of course it's here," I answered, avoiding looking directly at the abyss in front of me. I'm not afraid of heights per se, but they did make me a bit nervous. Even though I knew what I was seeing was an optical illusion, it was good enough to make my palms sweat.

  "Then walk over here and prove that you believe what you are seeing is not real. "

  I licked my lips, looking from him, to Terrin, to the floor. It's not real, I told myself. It's just an illusion, a very high-tech illusion, but an illusion nonetheless. Things like floors do not just disappear into nothing. If I march over there now, I will be able to prove to both of them that whatever their nefarious plan is, it won't work on me. I will laugh in their faces.

  Despite my brave pep talk, my feet remained rooted to the two tiles.

  "I'm sorry, I have no choice," Terrin told both Theo and me. He made a few notes and gave me a sad look. "I must mark this as a failure. I do hope you do better in your remaining trials, the third of which will commence tomorrow. Good afternoon to you both. "

  He turned and walked out the door, each step he made causing the tiles to appear in front of him, slowly rippling out until the entire floor was once again visible. I nudged the newly reappeared tile in front of me with the toe of my shoe. It seemed perfectly normal, perfectly solid.

  "Hello, can I be of help?" a policeman asked as he walked in from the back rooms. He set down a cup of coffee and peered inquiringly over the desk at us.

  "I am Portia Harding. I filed a complaint for assault and kidnapping against this man," I said, pointing at Theo. To my horror, my hand was shaking. "If you could arrest him now, I'd would be eternally grateful. "

  "Portia Harding?" The policeman frowned, seating himself in front of a computer. His fingers danced over the keys for a few seconds. "I'm sorry, but I don't have a record of a complaint by you, Miss Harding. What is your assailant's name?"

  "Theo North. Er. . . Theodore, I assume. "

  "It's Theondre, actually," Theo said, walking over to the counter. "You will have to forgive Miss Harding. She has had a trying last few days, and is a bit confused at the moment. "

  "I'm sorry," the policeman said again, tapping away at the keyboard. "I see no entry for a Theo or Theondre North. "

  "Sweet mother of reason, you bought off the police?" I asked Theo. "I can't imagine how much it must have cost you to do the hologram of the floor, but to buy off police - that's just wrong in so many ways, I can't begin to name them!"

  The policeman looked at me with suddenly wary eyes. "Are you quite yourself, madam?"

  "She's fine," Theo said, taking me by the arm and gently pulling me to the door. "Just a little overset. I'll see that she gets back to her hotel. "

  "You're kidnapping me again, aren't you?" I asked him as he opened the door and all but shoved me through it. "You're kidnapping me right in front of a policeman, but because he's part of your horrible scheme, he's not going to stop you. "

  Theo sighed and gently pushed me through the door. "You need a drink. "

  "That's the first thing you've said that makes any sense," I agreed, looking around quickly for the best route for my escape. It was just starting to get dark, the little town in the middle of the busy hour when everyone was hurrying to the shops, then home. I shivered a little, rubbing my arms as a gust of wind hit me. It was raining slightly, more of a drizzle than a rain, but it was enough to chill me. I didn't relish running the mile through the damp night to the pub, especially with Theo on my tail, but I had no choice.

  My escape plan was squelched when Theo grabbed my hand and held it in a no-nonsense grip as he started up the sidewalk. "Don't even think about it. We need to talk, you and I. And we could both use a drink. We'll take my car - "

  "Over my dead body," I answered, digging in my heels and coming to an abrupt halt.

  He eyed me for a moment. "As tempting as that offer is, I need you alive. We will walk if it makes you feel any better. " So saying, he started up the hill to where the pub sat at the crown.

  "Infinitely. Release my hand. "

  "No. "

  We marched along in silence for a few minutes, Theo looking straight ahead with a grim expression on his face, me desperately trying to catch the eye of townsfolk.

  "Excuse me, could you help me? I'm being kidnapped. " The man to whom I spoke glanced at Theo and hurried on his way.

  I spotted a lady with her arms full of groceries. "Pardon me, but could you possibly help me? This large man next to me is kidnapping me. "

  "Oooh," the woman said, her eyes lighting up as she gave Theo the once-over. "He can kidnap me any day. "

  Theo snorted and continued to haul me up the road.

  "Help - " I started to scream, feeling I had nothing left to lose.

  Before I got more than the H out of my mouth, Theo jerked me toward him, both his arms coming around me in a steely grip. His black eyes flashed with irritation, the last thing I saw for a few seconds as his mouth descended on mine in a bruising kiss that drove everything from my mind.