Shatter

  “But, you don’t care about us.”

  “Us? Baby, it’s just you and me here.”

  Tick-Tock. Hear those sirens? They are coming to take us back.

  “Mom. Make her stop. She won’t stop.”

  God if you could see the way my mother had looked at me right then and there. I had never seen her so broken before, like for the first time in a long time, she heard me. She listened to me. It was only a few minutes later before I could hear Craig talking to someone downstairs, though the minute I saw the paramedics? That’s when I began to panic all over again.

  “Mom, please! Don’t make me go with them. I’m fine! I’m okay now.”

  “Sera, you have to go. Please, I want you to get better.”

  She’s going to throw us back in there, forget about us all over again. She’s going to leave us, just like Dad did.

  “I don’t want to go. You’ll leave me. You’re going to leave me just like Dad did! Like Alana did! You won’t even come see me!”

  I felt the paramedics calmly take hold of me, if only to make things easier, but they didn’t, if anything it only made the panic worse as I began to cry even more. You’re probably sitting there thinking to yourself, I should act my age and stop making a big scene. But could you really blame me? Craig just stepped to the side as I held onto my mother’s hand as tight as I possibly could, screaming for them to let me stay, that it was a mistake for them to be here.

  “Please no! Mom, please! I’m fine! Mom!”

  “I’m sorry Serah. Forgive me. But you have to go.”

  “Mom…”

  My voice had become a low mumble as I felt a small pinch on my arm. Everything had slowly begun to fade away, and I just let go of my mother’s hand. Silence. That’s all there was, nothing more. The sedative they had given me was the same one I had used on myself before, though that was almost two years ago. Funny how you remember certain things when you least expect to. Though isn’t that what they call a trigger? Had I been so upset with my mother all this time that it caused so much resentment to build up? That whenever Alana had broken my heart I had just finally snapped? Just like that same night, all those feelings had come back, and despite my best efforts, I just couldn’t seem to stop it. Shame, because now not only would I have to find a way to make things right, I would have to find a way to admit I did need help, to find a way to finally forgive myself. To forgive my father.

  Well? What did you expect? Did you turn the page thinking that there was going to be some sort of happy ending for you to read? That in the end everything had turned out great. Perhaps you thought that I would finally forgive those that hurt me the most, that I would forgive myself for all the pain I caused. Or maybe you thought that I would have put all my efforts into trying to get better once I had been admitted back into the hospital.

  Want to know a secret?

  I was never very good,

  At staying where I should.