But night after night, patiently perplexed, he retraced his errant pathway through life, back to the source of doubt and pain; and, once arrived there, he remained, gazing with impartial eyes upon the ruin two young souls had wrought of their twin lives; and always, always somehow, confronting him among the débris, rose the spectre of their deathless responsibility to one another; and the inexorable life-sentence sounded ceaselessly in his ears: “For better or for worse — for better or for worse — till death do us part — till death — till death!”
Dreadful his duty — for man already had dared to sunder them, and he had acquiesced to save her in the eyes of the world! Dreadful, indeed — because he knew that he had never loved her, never could love her! Dreadful — doubly dreadful — for he now knew what love might be; and it was not what he had believed it when he executed the contract which must bind him while life endured.
Once, and not long since, he thought that, freed from the sad disgrace of the shadowy past, he had begun life anew. They told him — and he told himself — that a man had that right; that a man was no man who stood stunned and hopeless, confronting the future in fetters of conscience. And by that token he had accepted the argument as truth — because he desired to believe it — and he had risen erect and shaken himself free of the past — as he supposed; as though the past, which becomes part of us, can be shaken from tired shoulders with the first shudder of revolt!
No; he understood now that the past was part of him — as his limbs and head and body and mind were part of him. It had to be reckoned with — what he had done to himself, to the young girl united to him in bonds indissoluble except in death.
That she had strayed — under man-made laws held guiltless — could not shatter the tie. That he, blinded by hope, had hoped to remake a life already made, and had dared to masquerade before his own soul as a man free to come, to go, and free to love, could not alter what had been done. Back, far back of it all lay the deathless pact — for better or for worse. And nothing man might wish or say or do could change it. Always, always he must remain bound by that, no matter what others did or thought; always, always he was under obligations to the end.
And now, alone, abandoned, helplessly sick, utterly dependent upon the decency, the charity, the mercy of her legal paramour, the young girl who had once been his wife had not turned to him in vain.
Before the light of her shaken mind had gone out she had written him, incoherently, practically in extremis; and if he had hitherto doubted where his duty lay, from that moment he had no longer any doubt. And very quietly, hopelessly, and irrevocably he had crushed out of his soul the hope and promise of the new life dawning for him above the dead ashes of the past.
It was not easy to do; he had not ended it yet. He did not know how. There were ties to be severed, friendships to be gently broken, old scenes to be forgotten, memories to kill. There was also love — to be disposed of. And he did not know how.
First of all, paramount in his hopeless trouble, the desire to save others from pain persisted.
For that reason he had been careful that Gerald should not know where and how he was now obliged to live — lest the boy suspect and understand how much of Selwyn’s little fortune it had taken to settle his debts of “honour” and free him from the sinister pressure of Neergard’s importunities.
For that reason, too, he dreaded to have Austin know, because, if the truth were exposed, nothing in the world could prevent a violent and final separation between him and the foolish boy who now, at last, was beginning to show the first glimmering traces of character and common sense.
So he let it be understood that his address was his club for the present; for he also desired no scene with Boots, whom he knew would attempt to force him to live with him in his cherished and brand-new house. And even if he cared to accept and permit Boots to place him under such obligations, it would only hamper him in his duties.
Because now, what remained of his income must be devoted to Alixe.
Even before her case had taken the more hopeless turn, he had understood that she could not remain at Clifton. Such cases were neither desired nor treated there; he understood that. And so he had taken, for her, a pretty little villa at Edgewater, with two trained nurses to care for her, and a phaeton for her to drive.
And now she was installed there, properly cared for, surrounded by every comfort, contented — except in the black and violent crises which still swept her in recurrent storms — indeed, tranquil and happy; for through the troubled glimmer of departing reason, her eyes were already opening in the calm, unearthly dawn of second childhood.
Pain, sadness, the desolate awakening to dishonour had been forgotten; to her, the dead now lived; to her, the living who had been children with her were children again, and she a child among them. Outside of that dead garden of the past, peopled by laughing phantoms of her youth, but one single extraneous memory persisted — the memory of Selwyn — curiously twisted and readjusted to the comprehension of a child’s mind — vague at times, at times wistfully elusive and incoherent — but it remained always a memory, and always a happy one.
He was obliged to go to her every three or four days. In the interim she seemed quite satisfied and happy, busy with the simple and pretty things she now cared for; but toward the third day of his absence she usually became restless, asking for him, and why he did not come. And then they telegraphed him, and he left everything and went, white-faced, stern of lip, to endure the most dreadful ordeal a man may face — to force the smile to his lips and gaiety into the shrinking soul of him, and sit with her in the pretty, sunny room, listening to her prattle, answering the childish questions, watching her, seated in her rocking-chair, singing contentedly to herself, and playing with her dolls and ribbons — dressing them, undressing, mending, arranging — until the heart within him quivered under the misery of it, and he turned to the curtained window, hands clinching convulsively, and teeth set to force back the strangling agony in his throat.
And the dreadful part of it all was that her appearance had remained unchanged — unless, perhaps, she was prettier, lovelier of face and figure than ever before; but in her beautiful dark eyes only the direct intelligence of a child answered his gaze of inquiry; and her voice, too, had become soft and hesitating, and the infantile falsetto sounded in it at times, sweet, futile, immature.
Thinking of these things now, he leaned heavily forward, elbows on the little table. And, suddenly unbidden, before his haunted eyes rose the white portico of Silverside, and the greensward glimmered, drenched in sunshine, and a slim figure in white stood there, arms bare, tennis-bat swinging in one tanned little hand.
Voices were sounding in his ears — Drina’s laughter, Lansing’s protest; Billy shouting to his eager pack; his sister’s calm tones, admonishing the young — and through it all, her voice, clear, hauntingly sweet, pronouncing his name.
And he set his lean jaws tight and took a new grip on his pipe-stem, and stared, with pain-dulled eyes, at the white wall opposite.
But on the blank expanse the faintest tinge of colour appeared, growing clearer, taking shape as he stared; and slowly, slowly, under the soft splendour of her hair, two clear eyes of darkest blue opened under the languid lids and looked at him, and looked and looked until he closed his own, unable to endure the agony.
But even through his sealed lids he saw her; and her clear gaze pierced him, blinded as he was, leaning there, both hands pressed across his eyes.
Sooner or later — sooner or later he must write to her and tell what must be told. How to do it, when to do it, he did not know. What to say he did not know; but that there was something due her from him — something to say, something to confess — to ask her pardon for — he understood.
Happily for her — happily for him, alas! — love, in its full miracle, had remained beyond her comprehension. That she cared for him with all her young heart he knew; that she had not come to love him he knew, too. So that crowning misery of happiness was
spared him.
Yet he knew, too, that there had been a chance for him; that her awakening had not been wholly impossible. Loyal in his soul to the dread duty before him, he must abandon hope; loyal in his heart to her, he must abandon her, lest, by chance, in the calm, still happiness of their intimacy the divine moment, unheralded, flash out through the veil, dazzling, blinding them with the splendour of its truth and beauty.
And now, leaning there, his face buried in his hands, hours that he spent with her came crowding back upon him, and in his ears her voice echoed and echoed, and his hands trembled with the scented memory of her touch, and his soul quivered and cried out for her.
Storm after storm swept him; and in the tempest he abandoned reason, blinded, stunned, crouching there with head lowered and his clenched hands across his face.
But storms, given right of way, pass on and over, and tempests sweep hearts cleaner; and after a long while he lifted his bowed head and sat up, squaring his shoulders.
Presently he picked up his pipe again, held it a moment, then laid it aside. Then he leaned forward, breathing deeply but quietly, and picked up a pen and a sheet of paper. For the time had come for his letter to her, and he was ready.
The letter he wrote was one of those gay, cheerful, inconsequential letters which, from the very beginning of their occasional correspondence, had always been to her most welcome and delightful.
Ignoring that maturity in her with which he had lately dared to reckon, he reverted to the tone which he had taken and maintained with her before the sweetness and seriousness of their relations had deepened to an intimacy which had committed him to an avowal.
News of all sorts humorously retailed — an amusing sketch of his recent journey to Washington and its doubtful results — matters that they both were interested in, details known only to them, a little harmless gossip — these things formed the body of his letter. There was never a hint of sorrow or discouragement — nothing to intimate that life had so utterly and absolutely changed for him — only a jolly, friendly badinage — an easy, light-hearted narrative, ending in messages to all and a frank regret that the pursuit of business and happiness appeared incompatible at the present moment.
His address, he wrote, was his club; he sent her, he said, under separate cover, a rather interesting pamphlet — a monograph on the symbolism displayed by the designs in Samarcand rugs and textiles of the Ming dynasty. And he ended, closing with a gentle jest concerning blue-stockings and rebellious locks of ruddy hair.
And signed his name.
Nina and Eileen, in travelling gowns and veils, stood on the porch at Silverside, waiting for the depot wagon, when Selwyn’s letter was handed to Eileen.
The girl flushed up, then, avoiding Nina’s eyes, turned and entered the house. Once out of sight, she swiftly mounted to her own room and dropped, breathless, on the bed, tearing the envelope from end to end. And from end to end, and back again and over again, she read the letter — at first in expectancy, lips parted, colour brilliant, then with the smile still curving her cheeks — but less genuine now — almost mechanical — until the smile stamped on her stiffening lips faded, and the soft contours relaxed, and she lifted her eyes, staring into space with a wistful, questioning lift of the pure brows.
What more had she expected? What more had she desired? Nothing, surely, of that emotion which she declined to recognise; surely not that sentiment of which she had admitted her ignorance to him. Again her eyes sought the pages, following the inked writing from end to end. What was she seeking there that he had left unwritten? What was she searching for, of which there was not one hint in all these pages?
And now Nina was calling her from the hall below; and she answered gaily and, hiding the letter in her long glove, came down the stairs.
“I’ll tell you all about the letter in the train,” she said; “he is perfectly well, and evidently quite happy; and Nina—”
“What, dear?”
“I want to send him a telegram. May I?”
“A dozen, if you wish,” said Mrs. Gerard, “only, if you don’t climb into that vehicle, we’ll miss the train.”
So on the way to Wyossette station Eileen sat very still, gloved hands folded in her lap, composing her telegram to Selwyn. And, once in the station, having it by heart already, she wrote it rapidly:
“Nina and I are on our way to the Berkshires for a week. House-party at the Craigs’. We stay overnight in town. E.E.”
But the telegram went to his club, and waited for him there; and meanwhile another telegram arrived at his lodgings, signed by a trained nurse; and while Miss Erroll, in the big, dismantled house, lay in a holland-covered armchair, waiting for him, while Nina and Austin, reading their evening papers, exchanged significant glances from time to time, the man she awaited sat in the living-room in a little villa at Edgewater. And a slim young nurse stood beside him, cool and composed in her immaculate uniform, watching the play of light and shadow on a woman who lay asleep on the couch, fresh, young face flushed and upturned, a child’s doll cradled between arm and breast.
“How long has she been asleep?” asked Selwyn under his breath.
“An hour. She fretted a good deal because you had not come. This afternoon she said she wished to drive, and I had the phaeton brought around; but when she saw it she changed her mind. I was rather afraid of an outburst — they come sometimes from less cause than that — so I did not urge her to go out. She played on the piano for a long while, and sang some songs — those curious native songs she learned in Manila. It seemed to soothe her; she played with her little trifles quite contentedly for a time, but soon began fretting again, and asking why you had not come. She had a bad hour later — she is quite exhausted now. Could you stay to-night, Captain Selwyn?”
“Y-es, if you think it better. . . . Wait a moment; I think she has awakened.”
Alixe had turned her head, her lovely eyes wide open.
“Phil!” she cried, “is it you?”
He went forward and took the uplifted hands, smiling down at her.
“Such a horrid dream!” she said pettishly, “about a soft, plump man with ever so many rings on his hands. . . . Oh, I am glad you came. . . . Look at this child of mine!” cuddling the staring wax doll closer; “she’s not undressed yet, and it’s long, long after bedtime. Hand me her night-clothes, Phil.”
The slim young nurse bent and disentangled a bit of lace and cambric from a heap on the floor, offering it to Selwyn. He laid it in the hand Alixe held out, and she began to undress the doll in her arms, prattling softly all the while:
“Late — oh, so very, very late! I must be more careful of her, Phil; because, if you and I grow up, some day we may marry, and we ought to know all about children. It would be great fun, wouldn’t it?”
He nodded, forcing a smile.
“Don’t you think so?” she persisted.
“Yes — yes, indeed,” he said gently.
She laughed, contented with his answer, and laid her lips against the painted face of the doll.
“When we grow up, years from now — then we’ll understand, won’t we, Phil? . . . I am tired with playing. . . . And Phil — let me whisper something. Is that person gone?”
He turned and signed to the nurse, who quietly withdrew.
“Is she gone?” repeated Alixe.
“Yes.”
“Then listen, Phil. Do you know what she and the other one are about all day? I know; I pretend not to, but I know. They are watching me every moment — always watching me, because they want to make you believe that I am forgetting you. But I am not. That is why I made them send for you so I could tell you myself that I could never, never forget you. . . . I think of you always while I am playing — always — always I am thinking of you. You will believe it, won’t you?”
“Yes,” he said.
Contented, she turned to her doll again, undressing it deftly, tenderly.
“At moments,” she said, “I have an odd idea that it is real. I
am not quite sure even now. Do you believe it is alive, Phil? Perhaps, at night, when I am asleep, it becomes alive. . . . This morning I awoke, laughing, laughing in delight — thinking I heard you laughing, too — as once — in the dusk where there were many roses and many stars — big stars, and very, very bright — I saw you — saw you — and the roses—”
She paused with a pained, puzzled look of appeal.
“Where was it, Phil?”
“In Manila town.”
“Yes; and there were roses. But I was never there.”
“You came out on the veranda and pelted me with roses. There were others there — officers and their wives. Everybody was laughing.”
“Yes — but I was not there, Phil. . . . Who — who was the tall, thin bugler who sounded taps?”
“Corrigan.”
“And — the little, girl-shaped, brown men?”
“My constabulary.”
“I can’t recollect,” she said listlessly, laying the doll against her breast. “I think, Phil, that you had better be a little quiet now — she may wish to sleep. And I am sleepy, too,” lifting her slender hand as a sign for him to take his leave.
As he went out the nurse said: “If you wish to return to town, you may, I think. She will forget about you for two or three days, as usual. Shall I telegraph if she becomes restless?”
“Yes. What does the doctor say to-day?”
The slim nurse looked at him under level brows.
“There is no change,” she said.
“No hope.” It was not even a question.
“No hope, Captain Selwyn.”
He stood silent, tapping his leg with the stiff brim of his hat; then, wearily: “Is there anything more I can do for her?”
“Nothing, sir.”
“Thank you.”
He turned away, bidding her good-night in a low voice.
He arrived in town about midnight, but did not go to any of his clubs. At one of them a telegram was awaiting him; and in a dismantled and summer-shrouded house a young girl was still expecting him, lying with closed eyes in a big holland-covered arm-chair, listening to the rare footfalls in the street outside.
Works of Robert W Chambers Page 357