“But why begin at the top?”
“It is easier to bear disappointment going down,” she said, seriously; “if two or three artists had refused me on the first and second floors, my legs would not have carried me up very far.”
“Bad logic,” he commented. “We mount by experience, using our wrecked hopes as footholds.”
“You don’t know how much a girl can endure. There comes a time-after years of steady descent — when misfortune and disappointment become endurable; when hope deferred no longer sickens. It is in rising toward better things that disappointments hurt most cruelly.”
He turned his head in surprise; then went on painting:
“Your philosophy is the philosophy of submission.”
“Do you call a struggle of years, submission?”
“But it was giving up after all — acquiescence, despondency, a laissez faire policy.”
“One may tire of fighting.”
“One may. Another may not.”
“I think you have never had to fight very hard.”
He turned his head abruptly; after a moment’s silent survey of her, he resumed his painting with a sharp, impersonal glance before every swift and decisive brush stroke:
“No; I have never had to fight, Miss West…. It was keen of you to recognise it. I have never had to fight at all. Things come easily to me — things have a habit of coming my way…. I suppose I’m not exactly the man to lecture anybody on the art of fighting fortune. She’s always been decent to me…. Sometimes I’m afraid — I have an instinct that she’s too friendly…. And it troubles me. Do you understand what I mean?”
“Yes.”
He looked up at her: “Are you sure?”
“I think so. I have been watching you painting. I never imagined anybody could draw so swiftly, so easily — paint so surely, so accurately — that every brush stroke could be so — so significant, so decisive…. Is it not unusual? And is not that what is called facility?”
“Lord in Heaven!” he said; “what kind of a girl am I dealing with? — or what kind of a girl is dealing so unmercifully with me?”
“I — I didn’t mean—”
“Yes, you did. Those very lovely and wonderfully shaped eyes of yours are not entirely for ornament. Inside that pretty head there’s an apparatus designed for thinking; and it isn’t idle.”
He laughed gaily, a trifle defiantly:
“You’ve said it. You’ve found the fly in the amber. I’m cursed with facility. Worse still it gives me keenest pleasure to employ it. It does scare me occasionally — has for years — makes me miserable at intervals — fills me full of all kinds of fears and doubts.”
He turned toward her, standing on his ladder, the big palette curving up over his left shoulder, a wet brush extended in his right hand:
“What shall I do!” he exclaimed so earnestly that she sat up straight, startled, forgetting her pose. “Ought I to stifle the vigour, the energy, the restless desire that drives me to express myself — that will not tolerate the inertia of calculation and ponderous reflection? Ought I to check myself, consider, worry, entangle myself in psychologies, seek for subtleties where none exist — split hairs, relapse into introspective philosophy when my fingers itch for a lump of charcoal and every colour on my set palette yells at me to be about my business?”
He passed the flat tip of his wet brush through the mass of rags in his left hand with a graceful motion like one unsheathing a sword:
“I tell you I do the things which I do, as easily, as naturally, as happily as any fool of a dicky-bird does his infernal twittering on an April morning. God knows whether there’s anything in my work or in his twitter; but neither he nor I are likely to improve our output by pondering and cogitation…. Please resume the pose.”
She did so, her dark young eyes on him; and he continued painting and talking in his clear, rapid, decisive manner:
“My name is Louis Neville. They call me Kelly — my friends do,” he added, laughing. “Have you ever seen any of my work?”
“Yes.”
He laughed again: “That’s more soothing. However, I suppose you saw that big canvas of mine for the ceiling of the Metropolitan Museum’s new northwest wing. The entire town saw it.”
“Yes, I saw it.”
“Did you care for it?”
She had cared for it too intensely to give him any adequate answer. Never before had her sense of colour and form and beauty been so exquisitely satisfied by the painted magic of any living painter. So this was the man who had enveloped her, swayed her senses, whirled her upward into his ocean of limpid light! This was the man who had done that miracle before which, all day long, crowds of the sober, decent, unimaginative — the solid, essentials of the nation — had lingered fascinated! This was the man — across there on a stepladder. And he was evidently not yet thirty; and his name was Neville and his friends called him Kelly.
“Yes,” she said, diffidently, “I cared for it.”
“Really?”
He caught her eye, laughed, and went on with his work.
“The critics were savage,” he said. “Lord! It hurts, too. But I’ve simply got to be busy. What good would it do me to sit down and draw casts with a thin, needle-pointed stick of hard charcoal. Not that they say I can’t draw. They admit that I can. They admit that I can paint, too.”
He laughed, stretched his arms:
“Draw! A blank canvas sets me mad. When I look at one I feel like covering it with a thousand figures twisted into every intricacy and difficulty of foreshortening! I wish I were like that Hindu god with a dozen arms; and even then I couldn’t paint fast enough to satisfy what my eyes and brain have already evoked upon an untouched canvas…. It’s a sort of intoxication that gets hold of me; I’m perfectly cool, too, which seems a paradox but isn’t. And all the while, inside me, is a constant, hushed kind of laughter, bubbling, which accompanies every brush stroke with an ‘I told you so!’ — if you know what I’m trying to say — do you?”
“N-not exactly. But I suppose you mean that you are self-confident.”
“Lord! Listen to this girl say in a dozen words what I’m trying to say in a volume so that it won’t scare me! Yes! That’s it. I am confident. And it’s that self-confidence which sometimes scares me half to death.”
From his ladder he pointed with his brush to the preliminary sketch that faced her, touching figure after figure:
“I’m going to draw them in, now,” he said; “first this one. Can you catch the pose? It’s going to be hard; I’ll block up your heels, later; that’s it! Stand up straight, stretch as though the next moment you were going to rise on tiptoe and float upward without an effort—”
He was working like lightning in long, beautiful, clean outline strokes, brushed here and there with shadow shapes and masses. And time flew at first, then went slowly, more slowly, until it dragged at her delicate body and set every nerve aching.
“I — may I rest a moment?”
“Sure thing!” he said, cordially, laying aside palette and brushes.
“Come on, Miss West, and we’ll have luncheon.”
She hastily swathed herself in the wool robe.
“Do you mean — here?”
“Yes. There’s a dumb-waiter. I’ll ring for the card.”
“I’d like to,” she said, “but do you think I had better?”
“Why not?”
“You mean — take lunch with you?”
“Why not?”
“Is it customary?”
“No, it isn’t.”
“Then I think I will go out to lunch somewhere—”
“I’m not going to let you get away,” he said, laughing. “You’re too good to be real; I’m worried half to death for fear that you’ll vanish in a golden cloud, or something equally futile and inconsiderate. No, I want you to stay. You don’t mind, do you?”
He was aiding her to descend from her eyrie, her little white hand balanced on his arm. When she set f
oot on the floor she looked up at him gravely:
“You wouldn’t let me do anything that I ought not to, would you, Mr.
Kelly — I mean Mr. Neville?” she added in confusion.
“No. Anyway I don’t know what you ought or ought not to do. Luncheon is a simple matter of routine. It’s sole significance is two empty stomachs. I suppose if you go out you will come back, but — I’d rather you’d remain.”
“Why?”
“Well,” he admitted with a laugh, “it’s probably because I like to hear myself talk to you. Besides, I’ve always the hope that you’ll suddenly become conversational, and that’s a possibility exciting enough to give anybody an appetite.”
“But I have conversed with you,” she said.
“Only a little. What you said acted like a cocktail to inspire me for a desire for more.”
“I am afraid that you were not named Kelly in vain.”
“You mean blarney? No, it’s merely frankness. Let me get you some bath-slippers—”
“Oh — but if I am to lunch here — I can’t do it this way!” she exclaimed in flushed consternation.
“Indeed you must learn to do that without embarrassment, Miss West. Tie up your robe at the throat, tuck up your sleeves, slip your feet into a nice pair of brand-new bath-slippers, and I’ll ring for luncheon.”
“I — don’t — want to—” she began; but he went away into the hall, rang, and presently she heard the ascending clatter of a dumb-waiter. From it he took the luncheon card and returned to where she was sitting at a rococo table. She blushed as he laid the card before her, and would have nothing to do with it. The result was that he did the ordering, sent the dumb-waiter down with his scribbled memorandum, and came wandering back with long, cool glances at his canvas and the work he had done on it.
“I mean to make a stunning thing of it,” he remarked, eying the huge chassis critically. “All this — deviltry — whatever it is inside of me — must come out somehow. And that canvas is the place for it.” He laughed and sat down opposite her:
“Man is born to folly, Miss West — born full of it. I get rid of mine on canvas. It’s a safer outlet for original sin than some other ways.”
She lay back in her antique gilded chair, hands extended along the arms, looking at him with a smile that was still shy.
“My idea of you — of an artist — was so different,” she said.
“There are all kinds, mostly the seriously inspired and humourless variety who makes a mystic religion of a very respectable profession. This world is full of pale, enraptured artists; full of muscular, thumb-smearing artists; full of dreamy weavers of visions, usually deficient in spinal process; full of unwashed little inverts to whom the world really resembles a kaleidoscope full of things that wiggle—”
They began to laugh, he with a singular delight in her comprehension of his idle, irresponsible chatter, she from sheer pleasure in listening and looking at this man who was so different from anybody she had ever known — and, thank God! — so young.
And when the bell rang and the clatter announced the advent of luncheon, she settled in her chair with a little shiver of happiness, blushing at her capacity for it, and at her acquiescence in the strangest conditions in which she had ever found herself in all her life, — conditions so bizarre, so grotesque, so impossible that there was no use in trying to consider them — alas! no point in blushing now.
Mechanically she settled her little naked feet deep into the big bath-slippers, tucked up her white wool sleeves to the dimpled elbow, and surveyed the soup which he had placed before her to serve.
“I know perfectly well that this isn’t right,” she said, helping him and then herself. “But I am wondering what there is about it that isn’t right.”
“Isn’t it demoralising!” he said, amused.
“I — wonder if it is?”
He laughed: “Such ideas are nonsense, Miss West. Listen to me: you and I — everybody except those with whom something is physically wrong — are born with a full and healthy capacity for demoralisation and mischief. Mischief is only one form of energy. If lightning flies about unguided it’s likely to do somebody some damage; if it’s conducted properly to a safe terminal there’s no damage done and probably a little good.”
“Your brushes are your lightning-rods?” she suggested, laughing.
“Certainly. I only demoralise canvas. What outlet have you for your perfectly normal deviltry?”
“I haven’t any.”
[Illustration: “‘I know perfectly well that this isn’t right,’ she said.”]
“Any deviltry?”
“Any outlet.”
“You ought to have.”
“Ought I?”
“Certainly. You are as full of restless energy as I am.”
“Oh, I don’t think I am.”
“You are. Look at yourself! I never saw anybody so sound, so superbly healthy, so” — he laughed— “adapted to dynamics. You’ve got to have an outlet. Or there’ll be the deuce to pay.”
She looked at her fruit salad gravely, tasted it, and glanced up at him:
“I have never in all my life had any outlet — never even any outlook, Mr.
Neville.”
“You should have had both,” he grumbled, annoyed at himself for the interest her words had for him; uneasy, now that she had responded, yet curious to learn something about this fair young girl, approximately his intellectual equal, who came to his door looking for work as a model. He thought to himself that probably it was some distressing tale which he couldn’t help, and the recital of which would do neither of them any good. Of stories of models’ lives he was tired, satiated. There was no use encouraging her to family revelations; an easy, pleasant footing was far more amusing to maintain. The other hinted of intimacy; and that he had never tolerated in his employees.
Yet, looking now across the table at her, a not unkind curiosity began to prod him. He could easily have left matters where they were, maintained the status quo indefinitely — or as long as he needed her services.
“Outlets are necessary,” he said, cautiously. “Otherwise we go to the bow-wows.”
“Or — die.”
“What?” sharply.
She looked up without a trace of self-consciousness or the least hint of the dramatic:
“I would die unless I had an outlet. This is almost one. At least it gives me something to do with my life.”
“Posing?”
“Yes.”
“I don’t quite understand you.”
“Why, I only mean that — the other” — she smiled— “what you call the bow-wows, would not have been an outlet for me…. I was a show-girl for two months last winter; I ought to know. And I’d rather have died than—”
“I see,” he said; “that outlet was too stupid to have attracted you.”
She nodded. “Besides, I have principles,” she said, candidly.
“Which effectually blocked that outlet. They sometimes kill, too, as you say. Youth stifled too long means death — the death of youth at least. Outlets mean life. The idea is to find a safe one.”
She flushed in quick, sensitive response:
“That is it; that is what I meant. Mr. Neville, I am twenty-one; and do you know I never had a childhood? And I am simply wild for it — for the girlhood and the playtime that I never had—”
She checked herself, looking across at him uncertainly.
“Go on,” he nodded.
“That is all.”
“No; tell me the rest.”
She sat with head bent, slender fingers picking at her napkin; then, without raising her troubled eyes:
“Life has been — curious. My mother was bedridden. My childhood and girlhood were passed caring for her. That is all I ever did until — a year ago,” she added, her voice falling so low he could scarcely hear her.
“She died, then?”
“A year ago last February.”
“You went to school
. You must have made friends there.”
“I went to a public school for a year. After that mother taught me.”
“She must have been extremely cultivated.”
The girl nodded, looking absently at the cloth. Then, glancing up:
“I wonder whether you will understand me when I tell you why I decided to ask employment of artists.”
“I’ll try to,” he said, smiling.
“It was an intense desire to be among cultivated people — if only for a few hours. Besides, I had read about artists; and their lives seemed so young, so gay, so worth living — please don’t think me foolish and immature, Mr. Neville — but I was so stifled, so cut off from such people, so uninspired, so — so starved for a little gaiety — and I needed youthful companionship — surroundings where people of my own age and intelligence sometimes entered — and I had never had it—”
She looked at him with a strained, wistful expression as though begging him to understand her:
“I couldn’t remain at the theatre,” she said. “I had little talent — no chance except chances I would not tolerate; no companionship except what I was unfitted for by education and inclination…. The men were — impossible. There may have been girls I could have liked — but I did not meet them. So, as I had to do something — and my years of seclusion with mother had unfitted me for any business — for office work or shop work — I thought that artists might care to employ me — might give me — or let me see — be near — something of the gayer, brighter, more pleasant and youthful side of life—”
She ceased, bent her head thoughtfully.
“You want — friends? Young ones — with intellects? You want to combine these with a chance of making a decent living?”
“Yes.” She looked up candidly: “I am simply starved for it. You must believe that when you see what I have submitted to — gone through with in your studio” — she blushed vividly— “in a — a desperate attempt to escape the — the loneliness, the silence and isolation” — she raised her dark eyes— “the isolation of the poor,” she said. “You don’t know what that means.”
After a moment she added, level-eyed: “For which there is supposed to be but one outlet — if a girl is attractive.”
Works of Robert W Chambers Page 518