“Were you unhappy?”
“Didn’t you know it?”
“I never dreamed you were.”
“Well, I was — thinking of what I had done to you.... And all those men bothering me, every moment, and everybody at me to marry everybody else — and all I wanted was to be friends with you!... I wasn’t sure of what I wanted from the very beginning, of course, but I knew it as soon as I saw you at the Bazaar again.... I was so lonely, Rix — —”
She looked up out of clear, fearless eyes; he leaned forward and took her hands in his.
“I know what you want,” he said quietly. “You want my friendship and you have it — every atom of it, Strelsa. I will never overstep the borders again; I understand you thoroughly.... You know what you have done for me — what I was when you came into my life. My gratitude is a living thing. Through you, because of you, the whole unknown world — all of real life — has opened before me. You did it for me, Strelsa.”
“You did it for yourself and for me,” she said in a low voice. “What are you trying to tell me, Rix? That I did this for you? When it is you — it was you from the first — it has always been you who led, who awakened first, who showed courage and common sense and patience and the cheerful wisdom which — which saved me — —”
The emotion in her voice stirred him thrillingly; her hands lay confidently in his; her gray eyes met his so sweetly, so honestly, that hope awoke for a moment.
“Strelsa,” he said, “however it was with us — however it is now, I think that together we amount to more than we ever could have amounted to apart.”
“I know it,” she said fervently. “I was nothing until I began to comprehend you.”
“What was I before you awoke me?”
“A man neglecting his nobler self.... But it could not have lasted; your real self could not have long endured that harlequinade we once thought was real life.... I’m glad if you think that I — something about me — aroused you.... But if I had not, somebody or some circumstance would have very soon served the same purpose.”
“Do you think so?” he said, stooping to kiss her hands. She looked at him while he did so, confused by the quick pleasure of the contact, then schooled herself to endure it, setting her lips in a grave, firm line.
And it was a most serious face he lifted his eyes to as she quietly withdrew her fingers from his.
“You always played the courtier to perfection,” she said, trying to speak lightly. “Tell me about that accomplished and noble peer, Lord Dankmere. Are you still inclined to like him?”
He accepted her light and careless change of tone instantly, and spoke laughingly of Dankmere:
“He’s really a mighty nice fellow, Strelsa. Anyway, I like him. And what do you think his lordship has been and gone and done?”
“Has he become a Russian dancer, Rix?”
“No, bless his heart! He’s fallen head over ears in love and is engaged and is going to marry!”
“Who?”
“Our stenographer!”
“Rix!”
“Certainly.... She’s pretty and sweet and good and most worthy; and she’s as crazy about Dankmere as he is about her.... Really, Strelsa, she’s a charming young girl, and she’ll make as pretty a countess as any of the Dankmeres have married in many a generation.”
Strelsa’s lip curled: “I don’t doubt that. They were always a horrid cock-fighting, prize-fighting, dissolute lot, weren’t they?”
“Something like that. But the present Dankmere is a good sort — really he is, Strelsa. And as for Jessie Vining, she’s sweet. You’ll be nice to them, won’t you?”
She said: “I’d be nice to them anyway. But now that you ask me to I’ll be whatever you wish.”
“You are a corker,” he said almost tenderly; but with a slight smile she kept her hands out of his reach.
“We mustn’t degenerate into sentimentalism just because we’re glad to see each other,” she said so calmly that he did not notice the tremor in her voice. “And by the way, how is Mr. Westguard?”
They both laughed.
“Speaking of sentiment,” said Quarren, “Karl now exudes it daily. He and Bleecker De Groot and Mrs. Caldera — to Lester’s rage — have started a weekly paper called Brotherhood, consisting of pabulum for the horny-handed.
“I couldn’t do anything with Karl. Just look at him! He’s really a good story-teller if he chooses. He could write jolly-good novels if he would. But the spectacle of De Groot weeping over a Bowery audience has finished him; and he’s hard at work on a volume called ‘The World’s Woe,’ and means to publish it himself because no publisher will take it.”
“Poor Karl,” she said, smiling.
“No,” said Quarren, “that’s the worst of it. His aunt has settled a million on him.... I tell you, Strelsa, the rich convert has less honour among the poor than the dingiest little ‘dip’ among the gorgeous corsairs of Wall Street.
“I don’t know how it happens, but Christ was never yet successfully preached from Fifth Avenue, and the millionaire whose heart bleeds for the poor needs a sterner surgeon than a complacent conscience to really stop the hemorrhage.”
“Rich men do good, Rix,” she said thoughtfully.
“But not by teaching or practising the thrift of celestial insurance — not by admonition to orthodoxy and exhortation to worship a Creator who sees to it that no two people are created equal. There is only one thing the rich can give to the poor for Christ’s sake; and even that will always be taken with suspicion and distrust. No; there are only two ways to live: one is the life of self-discipline; the other is to actually imitate the militant Son of Man whose faith we pretend to profess — but whose life-history we merely parody, turning His crusade into a grotesque carnival. I know of no third course consistent.”
“To lead an upright life within bounds where your lines have fallen, or to strip and go forth militant,” she mused. “There is no third course, as you say.... Do you know, Rix, that I have become a wonderfully happy sort of person?”
“So have I,” he said, laughingly.
“It’s just because we have something to do, isn’t it?”
“That — and the leisure which the idle never have. It seems like a paradox, doesn’t it? — to say that the idle never have any time to themselves.”
“I know what you mean. I expect to work rather hard the rest of my life,” she said seriously, “and yet I can foresee lots and lots of most delicious leisure awaiting me.”
“Do you foresee anything else, pretty prophetess?”
“What else do you mean?”
“Well, for example, you will be alone here all winter.”
“Do you mean loneliness?” she asked, smiling. “I don’t expect to suffer from that. Molly will be here all winter and — you will write to me—” she turned to him— “won’t you, Rix?”
“Certainly. Besides I’m coming up to see you every week.”
“Every week!” she repeated, taken a little aback but smiling her sweet, confused smile. “Do you realise what you are so gaily engaging to do?”
“Perfectly. I’m going to build up here.”
“What!”
“Of course.”
“A — a house?”
He looked at her, hesitated, then looking away:
“Either a house or — an addition.”
“An addition?”
“If you’ll let me, Strelsa — some day.”
She understood him then. The painful colour stole into her cheeks, faintly burning, and she closed her eyes for a moment to endure it, sitting silent, motionless, her little sun-tanned hands tightly clasped on her knees.
Then, unclosing her eyes she looked at him, delicate lips tightening.
“I thought our relations were to remain on a higher plane,” she said steadily.
“Our relations are to remain what you desire them to be, dear.”
“I desire them to be what they are — always.”
“The
n that is my wish also,” he said with a smile so genuine and gay that, a little confused by his acquiescence, her own response was slow. But presently her smile dawned, a little tremulous and uncertain, and her gray eyes remained wistful though the lips curled deliciously.
“I would do anything in the world for you, Rix, except — that,” she said in a low voice.
“I know you would, you dear girl.”
“Don’t you really believe it?”
“Of course I do!”
“But — I can’t do that — ever. It would — would spoil you for me.... What in the world would I do if you were spoiled for me, Rix? I haven’t anybody else.... What would I do here — all alone? I couldn’t stay — I wouldn’t know what to do — where to go in the world.... It would be lonely — lonely — —”
She bent her head, and remained so, gray eyes fixed on her clasped fingers. For a long while she sat bowed over, thinking; once or twice she lifted her eyes to look at him, but her gaze always became confused and remote; and he did not offer to break the silence.
At last she looked up with a movement of decision, her face clearing.
“You understand, don’t you, Rix?” she said, rising.
He nodded, rising also; and they descended the steps together and walked slowly away toward Witch-Hollow.
From the hill-top they noticed one of Sprowl’s farm-waggons slowly entering the drive, followed on foot by several men and a little girl. Her blond hair and apron fluttered in the breeze. She was too far away for them to see that she was weeping.
“I wonder what they’ve got in that waggon?” said Quarren, curiously.
Strelsa’s gaze became indifferent, then passed on and rested on the blue range of hills beyond.
“Isn’t it wonderful about Chrysos,” she said.
“The quaint little thing,” he said almost tenderly. “She told Molly what happened — how she sat down under a fence to tie wild strawberries for Sir Charles, and how, all at once, she realised what his going out of her life meant to her — and how the tears choked her to silence until she suddenly found herself in his arms.... Can you see it as it happened, Strelsa? — as pretty a pastoral as ever the older poets—” He broke off abruptly, and she looked up, but he was still smiling as though the scene of another man’s happiness, so lightly evoked, were a visualisation of his own. And again her gray eyes grew wistful as though shyly pleading for his indulgence and silently asking his pardon for all that she could never be to him or to any man.
So they came across fields and down through fragrant lanes to Witch-Hollow, where the fat setter gambolled ponderously around them with fat barkings and waggings, and where Molly, sewing on the porch, smoothed the frail and tiny garment over her knee and raised her pretty head to survey them with a smiling intelligence that made Strelsa blush.
“It isn’t so!” she found an opportunity to whisper into Molly’s ear. “If you look at us that way you’ll simply make him miserable and break my heart.”
Molly glanced after Quarren who had wandered indoors to find a cigarette in the smoking-room.
“If you don’t marry that delectable young man,” she said, “I’ll take a stick and beat you, Strelsa.”
“I don’t want to — I don’t want to!” protested the girl, getting possession of Molly’s hands and covering them with caresses. And, resting her soft lips on Molly’s fingers, she looked at her; and the young matron saw tears glimmering under the soft, dark lashes.
“I can’t love him — that way,” whispered the girl. “I would if I could.... I couldn’t care for him more than I do.... And — and it terrifies me to think of losing him.”
“Losing him?”
“Yes — by doing what you — what he — wishes.”
“You think you’ll lose him if you marry him?”
“I — yes. It would spoil him for me — spoil everything for me in the world — —”
“Well, you listen to me,” said Molly, exasperated. “When he has stood a certain amount of this silliness from you he’ll really and actually turn into the sexless comrade you think you want. But he’ll go elsewhere for a mate. There are plenty suitable in the world. If you’d never been born there would have been another for him. If you passed out of his life there would some day be another.
“Will we women never learn the truth? — that at best we are incidental to man, but that, when we love, man is the whole bally thing to us?
“Let him escape and you’ll see, Strelsa. You’ll get, perhaps, what you’re asking for now, but he’ll get what he is asking for, too — if not from you, from some girl of whom you and I and he perhaps have never heard.
“But she exists; don’t worry. And any man worth his title is certain to encounter her sooner or later.”
The girl, flushed, dumb, watched her out of wide gray eyes in which the unshed tears had dried. The pretty matron slowly shook her head:
“Because you once bit into tainted fruit you laid the axe to the entire orchard. What nonsense! Rottenness is the exception; soundness the rule. But you concluded that the hazard of bad fortune — that the unhappy chance of your first and only experience — was not an exception but the universal rule.... Very well; think it! He’ll get over it some time, but you never will, Strelsa. You’ll remember it all your life.
“For I tell you that we women who go to our graves without having missed a single pang — we who die having known happiness and its shadow which is sorrow — the happiness and sorrow which come through love of man alone — die as we should die, in deep content of destiny fulfilled — which is the only peace beyond all understanding.”
The girl lowered her head and, resting her cheek on Molly’s shoulder, looked down at the baby garment on her knees.
“That also?” she whispered.
“Yes.... Unless we pass that way, also, we can never die content.... But until a month ago I did not know it.... Strelsa — Strelsa! Are you never going to know what love can be?”
The girl rose slowly, flushing and whitening by turns, and stood a moment, her hands covering her eyes.
And standing so:
“Do you think he will go away — from me — some day?”
“Yes; he will go — unless — —”
“Must it be — that way?”
“It will be that way, Strelsa.”
“I had never thought of that.”
“Think of it as the truth. It will be so unless you love him in his own fashion — and for his own sake. Try — if you care for him enough to try.... And if you do, you will love him for your own sake, too.”
“I — I had thought of — of giving myself — for his sake — because he wishes it.... I don’t believe I’ll be — much afraid — of him. Do you?”
Molly’s wise sweet eyes sparkled with silent laughter. Then without another glance at the tall, young girl before her she picked up her sewing, drew the needle from the hem, and smoothed out the lace embroidery on her knees.
After a while she said:
“Jim’s returning on the noon train. Will you and Rix be here to luncheon?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, ask him; I have my orders to give if you’ll stay.”
Strelsa walked into the house; Quarren, still hunting about for a cigarette, looked up as she entered the smoking-room.
“Where the dickens does Jim keep his cigarettes?” he asked. “Do you know, Strelsa?”
“You poor boy!” she exclaimed laughingly, “have you been searching all this time? The wonder is that you haven’t perished. Why didn’t you ask me for one when we were at — our house?”
“Your house?” he corrected, smiling.
Her gray eyes met his with a frightened sort of courage.
“Our house — if you wish—” But her lips had begun to tremble and she could not control them or force from them another word for all her courage.
He came over to where she stood, one slim hand resting against the wall; and she looked back bravely into his kee
n eyes — the clear, direct, questioning eyes of a boy.
“I — I will — marry you,” she said.
A swift flush touched his face to the temples.
“Don’t you — want me?” she said, tremulously.
“If you love me, Strelsa.”
“Isn’t it enough — that you — love — —”
“No, dear.”
She lost her colour.
“Rix! Don’t you want me?” she faltered.
“Not unless you want me, Strelsa.”
She drew a long unsteady breath. Suddenly the tears sprang to her eyes, and she held out both hands to him, blindly.
“I — do love you,” she whispered.... “I’ll give what you give.... Only you must teach me — not to be — afraid.”
Her cheek lay close to his shoulder; his arms drew her nearer. And, after he had waited a long while, her gray eyes, which had been watching his face, slowly closed, and she lifted her lips toward his.
THE END
THE GAY REBELLION
CONTENTS
PREFACE
FOREWORD
I
II
III
IV
V
VI
VII
VIII
IX
X
XI
XII
XIII
XIV
XV
XVI
XVII
XVIII
XIX
XX
XXI
XXII
XXIII
XXIV
XXV
XXVI
XXVII
ENVOI
TO
SUZANNE CARROLL
Though J. H. jeer
And “Smith” incline to frown,
I do not fear
To write these verses down
And publish them in town.
The solemn world knows well that I’m no poet;
So what care I if two gay scoffers know it?
Buck up, my Muse!
Wing high thy skyward way,
And don’t refuse
To let me say my say
As bravely as I may.
Works of Robert W Chambers Page 616