Gemma and I drank and got drunker. I chewed on my hoodie string. It tasted like wool and faintly, so faintly, Theo. The part of the hoodie I’d spilled wine on was faint, but visible. I rubbed it, remembering him, his promises to me.
The drunker I got, the more mishmashed my emotions became, and the looser our tongues got.
“So, like… how does he fuck?”
“Gem—” I coughed on the tequila. “Gemma!”
Theo was safe. The reckless, exhilarating, freeing kind of safe that was falling strapped to a bungee cord or skydiving with a parachute. Even the night he destroyed me, Theo had been my safety net.
Sweet girl, that would break you.
I swiped away hot tears.
“Yikes, that bad?”
“No…” A jagged, cutting sigh. “That good.”
I focused on the blurry tequila.
“So we’re like friends now?” I asked, eyeing Gemma. This had been the most we’d talked to each other in years.
Gemma laughed. “Fuck no. But not enemies is a start. Maybe we’ll throw less food at each other.”
“No promises.” I paused with the tequila to my lips, a small smile escaping. “Not enemies.”
I handed her the tequila.
“Not enemies,” she agreed.
Something inside me slammed together at her words, tightening, fixing.
Your bracelet will break if you keep building it with brittle wire.
Theo had seen into me. He’d always seen into me, and he’d known I’d used corroded wire to hold my most precious feelings. Over and over it had broken, leaving me in shambles. But now one wire had started to heal.
Gemma shoved the tequila in my face. “You look like you’re going to cry. If you do that, I’m going to kick you out.”
I took the alcohol, focusing on the burning in my throat and not the constant burning in my eyes.
“So, look,” Gemma said suddenly. “Newt is a total dildo, and you deserve better”—I opened and closed my mouth in shock at the compliment—“but do you think you could give this all up? I know you like your dog—”
“Theo,” I all but growled.
She raised her eyebrows like okay, whatever. “I know you like him but, we have everything. Do you know how rare that is? We are above laws. We exist in a world only a few will ever taste. This is as close to paradise as anyone can ever know. Horace doesn’t expect me to be loyal. I don’t expect it of him. Nothing is going to change.”
Maybe that was the problem.
Eve had thought paradise was a prison, so she took a taste of something else.
“Not much is asked of us,” Gemma said. “We just have to marry. We can fuck whoever we want. You can live in an entirely separate part of the world from Newt so long as you play nice for parties. I don’t want to be like Uncle Albert. He has nothing. Do you want to be like that?”
Maybe… and maybe that wasn’t the worst thing in the world.
“It doesn’t matter,” I croaked. “Theo’s gone.”
Gemma rolled on her side, catching a strand of my hair and twirling it between her fingers.
“What if he came back and was all like”—Gemma lowered her voice, sounding like a caricature of a tough guy—“‘Babe, I made a mistake. Take me back?’”
“That impression is on the money, Gem.”
She paused, looking up at me. “You haven’t called me Gem in years.”
Weird, I hadn’t. The old name just slipped out.
I brushed past it.
“Theo and I are old tape. We come together, we fall apart fast.”
“Orrr…” She stretched out the word, taking a swig of tequila. “You’re two points of a rubber band, like… a…” She slammed her hand on her nightstand, rooting around until she found a bracelet, then she stretched it out, emphasizing her point.
“A bracelet! You come together, stretch apart, come together—but you’re always connected.”
I narrowed my eyes. “Since when are you this poetic?”
“I’ve always been this way.” She yawned. “You were too up your own ass to notice.”
I exhaled.
Maybe.
I closed my eyes, but Theo’s wicked grin from the week before slammed into me. The feel of his hands on my body, his warm breath at my ear, and suddenly it was like he was in the room. Most importantly, I heard him again, forcing me to promise never to love him, or anyone else.
He’d made a promise with my sister that day, too, and the truth was wrapped up in that promise. Maybe it would explain why all of this happened. It could alleviate this brutal pain and take us back to before. Or, more than likely, what was left of my brittle wire would crumble.
I lifted my wrist, staring at the bare skin.
“Bracelets can snap,” I whispered.
But Gemma had already fallen asleep.
I stumbled out of Gemma’s room, still drunk, and spotted Gray in the shadows of the hallway. He had his hand to the wall, arm outstretched, above Story. It looked like he was talking to her, though her eyes were on the floor.
I shuffled over, interrupting whatever they’d been talking quietly about.
“Why is she with you?” I pointed at the girl. “She’s my girl.”
“She’s my girl now.”
He stepped in front of her like he had the first time I’d spotted her. Had he been keeping her all this time? All the while I’d been looking for her? Drunken anger smothered and softened all the other nasty emotions pricking my heart.
I reeled. “What? Why?”
He smiled. “I don’t really think that’s any of your fucking business, Abby.”
I held out my hand to Story. “Do you want to come back?”
Story and I weren’t ever close, but I couldn’t imagine life with my brother was better than with me.
Story rolled her lips, then shook her head. “No, Ms. Crowne.”
I think that was the first time I’d ever heard Story speak. She had always been quiet as a mouse when attending to me. So of course, like every other person in my goddamn life, she was using her voice to leave me.
Gray grinned and turned away, but I grabbed his bicep, pulling him back to me. He hadn’t been expecting that. As much as a prick as Gray was, I rarely stood up to him. He knew just the right buttons to press to piss me off without taking it too far.
“I think it fucking is, Gray.” I jabbed his chest. “You can’t just take, take, and take. You can’t just take pieces of me that don’t belong to you.”
I was tearing apart. I never stopped.
Why had Theo left me? Why? Why would he be so vicious? It didn’t make sense. The little hope I had that my Theo might still be out there somewhere was proving so much more eviscerating. It cut and it cut and I bled.
I shoved Gray with both hands. “You can’t rip parts of me out, act like you’ll be there to put them together, then fucking leave without warning. You can’t keep doing that. Why do I keep letting you?”
I hadn’t realized I’d been crying until I couldn’t see anymore. The hallway was a blurry, watery mess, like when it rained so hard the windows slammed with anger.
I passed a hand to my aching head. My lip was wet and warm—my nose must have been running.
Gray blinked, then shook his head. “Yeah, I don’t think that was meant for me.”
He waved a hand over his shoulder, motioning for Story to follow. She threw me a concerned glance, before looking at the floor and following Gray.
I fell to my knees.
31
THEO
Abigail hadn’t left Crowne Hall in over a week. I couldn’t see what was going on inside, but I got snippets of information from certain servants. She had the guard, and Ned hadn’t been allowed inside Crowne Hall. Tansy was keeping up her end of the deal.
I kept hoping I could catch a glimpse of her.
“Welcome to Crowne Drive-In Diner. We hope you have a royally pleasant day. Can I take your order?” a scratchy voice said through
the speaker.
I ordered a double cheeseburger with extra special sauce, fried pickles, and a drink. When the kid came out to hand me my meal, I told him I wanted him to deliver it.
“This is a drive-in diner,” the teenage boy said. “We don’t do delivery.”
I pulled out a wad of cash, counting as much as it would take to bribe him. His lips parted when he took the thousand dollars. When I told him where to take it, he stopped looking at the cash, raising both brows.
“Are you sure? It might not get through—”
“Go to the servant entrance and use this code.”
It was a lot of money for an uncertainty. I still wasn’t sure Abigail ate the last meal I sent her, but it was better than nothing. Every report I’d received from inside said she wasn’t attending meals.
I didn’t stop moving after Crowne Drive-In Diner. I hadn’t stopped since the ball. If I even so much as slowed down, I’d feel it all. Feel the poison still inside me from the thing I’d done. It was crippling.
The ugly fucking truth is all the while I’ve been trying to break Abigail, I’ve been the broken one. I love Abigail. I love her without walls and reason. I will always fucking love her. I’m the poster boy for unrequited love, and I have been since the first day I saw Abigail Crowne.
She abandoned me like everyone else, and the first chance I got to come back to her, I took. Because with her, the knife is in me, and I’m gutted, but without her, I’m bleeding.
There’d been a time when I had dreams, and I’d wanted to help kids like me. Now? The only reason I hadn’t completely faded away was the urge to keep moving for Abigail, to fix what I’d broken.
At least I could help make Abigail’s dream come true. Her dream college was one of the few who accepted fall applications late into August. Maybe that was fate. She was so fucking talented, and she deserved to follow her dreams.
I dropped off the application in the post, then met my next stop under the pier. He leaned against the wood column, on his phone, a hat shadowing his face, white designer sneakers digging into the sand.
He looked up, spotting me.
“You look like shit,” Gray said, shoving his phone in his pocket.
I don’t know if I’ve slept, really slept, since that night.
“Where are you staying?” he asked.
I arched a brow. “Miss me, Crowne?”
I’d been staying at the one motel in Crowne Point, a little thing inland, up on a hill, with a view of the ocean. I kept saying I’d leave. This place was never meant for me. But every day I thought of something new Abigail needed.
“You’re the ant infestation I’ve been trying to rid us of for years. You’re almost gone. Just a few more bug bombs and your ass is finally out of our lives.”
He grinned, and, done with catching up with Gray fucking Crowne, I moved on with the point of meeting him. “Did you get the cake?”
“Yeah—”
“Presents?”
“Yeah—”
“And you went? All of you?”
“Yeah, but”—he snapped his fingers—“I think you’re forgetting something, dog.”
I pulled out the last of my cash and shoved it at Gray’s chest. “That’s the last of my savings.” Gray scrambled to keep it from blowing away in the salty air. “You make her feel like a fucking princess. A real one.”
Gray arched a brow without looking up, counting the cash I gave him. “You’re a thousand short.”
“Something came up.”
“It doesn’t matter,” he said, reaching into his back pocket and pulling out a lighter. He put the flame to the green corner of the stack.
Nineteen thousand dollars. All the money I’d managed to save working under Crowne.
Gone in an instant.
The last of it fluttered in the wind, glancing my cheek like butterfly wings.
“I didn’t even want this,” Gray said. “I just wanted to see the look on your face. It’s… underwhelming.” He sighed like I’d put him out.
Prick.
Whatever. Whether he wanted to use it, burn it, or shove it up his ass. It had served its purpose. At least I was done with him. I turned, not wanting to stay another second longer than I had to with Gray Crowne.
“Why are you doing this?” he called to my back. “You lost. You’ll never be one of us.”
Leave it to Gray to assume that was why I was ever here.
Someone had to stand behind that girl. Someone needed to be her dog.
32
ABIGAIL
They were making my birthday up to me.
Up to me.
A Crowne didn’t apologize, let alone make amends. It was so surreal. They’d rented out the pier so we could have a family day, and I wondered if I’d stumbled into an alternate universe, one where my family members loved me more than Theo Hound. My mother even let me wear the Crowne tiara and would join us soon.
The wooden railing was decorated beautifully with white satin ribbons. We had balloons, and they’d even washed and repainted the wood.
We fed swans off the pier. Most people thought of swans as freshwater animals, which was another reason our swans are so popular. It was one of the only places you can regularly see swans swimming in the ocean.
In the right light, it looked like magic.
So of course my sister and brother were on their phones, bored.
I had everything I’d ever wanted. My mom’s affection. My sister and brother not being total a-holes. The fucking tiara. Yet I looked around me, as if the sunny beach air would suddenly explain to me why I still felt so empty.
When I’m finished with you, will you be lost forever, Abigail?
The words Theo said to me the night of the Swan Swell slammed into me and I dropped an entire slice of bread into the ocean.
Commotion sounded by the pier’s entrance—paparazzi. They were vultures, scavenging anywhere we went. We had guards stationed to keep them out, and I noticed my mom had finally joined us, almost at its mouth.
“Maybe it’s the dog,” Gray said. “Back to give us more money to love you.” Gray lounged against the pier railing, looking casually unaffordable in a thousand-dollar white shirt, jeans, and limited edition sneakers.
“What?” I lifted my head. “Theo gave you money? When?”
“Take a wild fucking guess. Do you think we all volunteered to play happy family for your birthday?” He lifted his arm slightly off the railing, looking disgusted at something I couldn’t see. “I fucking wish there was money involved today.”
I looked at my sister. “Gemma?”
“I said I would go if Gray promised to let me see the look on your face when you found out.” At my face, she quickly added, “This was before you started being cool again!”
It didn’t bother me my family had lied about their intentions. It would have been weirder if overnight they’d suddenly become good, caring people who loved me. Being bribed made the most sense and was still, in a twisted Crowne way, some kind of affection.
What had my heart hammering was Theo’s inclusion in all this.
“Dear,” my mother’s trill voice called out.
“Someone tell me what the fuck is going on,” I said.
“You didn’t kick your dog hard enough, sis,” Gray said. “He’s following you around, biting all the bad guys at your heel… which maybe isn’t such a bad thing.”
Gray frowned at something over my shoulder.
It wasn’t the ocean in my ears; it was blood. Rushing, pounding blood.
I chewed my lip until I tasted blood. “Am I the only one who hasn’t seen Theo since my engagement party?”
Gemma raised her hand. “I haven’t. Gotta leave ’em wanting more.” Gemma smiled, batting her eyelashes at me. I rolled my eyes.
Theo had been behind the scenes, making sure I had a happy birthday. A wrinkle formed on my brow as I thought about the lie. None of it made sense.
My mother grabbed my elbow, spinning me away from my
siblings. “Have you gone deaf?”
Beyond her, Ned stood beneath a white-and-gold balloon arch.
My gut dropped.
I’d had a week-long respite from Edward Harlington, and I almost believed he didn’t exist anymore. My mother left me to grab him, set him next to me, and lift my chin, elongating my neck.
“You disappeared before we could get a proper photo,” my mother said, referring to the engagement party when I’d stumbled down the steps brokenhearted.
She situated us next to each other like dolls.
“Is this why you let me wear the tiara? The family… all of it… were you even making my birthday up to me?”
“Making what up, Abigail?” She put his arm around me, on my fucking shoulders. “The cake you smashed all on your own, or the hair you cut from Gemma’s head? Which part of that should we make up?”
Before this summer, that would have destroyed me. Before Theo, I would’ve thrown myself at her feet for approval.
Theo always poked the sorest parts of my soul. The parts of me I didn’t want to acknowledge. My mother didn’t love me, or, worse, no one can love me. He made me look at those parts and question why the wound existed and who had put it there.
It was cruel and horrible, but the thing is, if you didn’t acknowledge a wound, you can’t heal. It sits there and gets infected. It grows and it takes over. A wound on your soul changes who you are. If you didn’t love yourself first, you can’t love anyone.
I thought my grandpa loved me. It had taken one word from Theo to change it.
That isn’t unconditional.
Theo was cruel and heartless, and somehow the only one who loved me unconditionally.
I shoved her off, stepping far, far away from her and Ned.
I rolled my lips, focusing on breathing through my nose and not the ache in my chest.
“Do you even care the man you want me to marry has been stalking me for over a year?” I asked, for the first time genuinely curious.
Was I going to live like this forever? With a man who thought I was his property, with a mom who saw no problem selling me to him, and whose affection hung like the sword of Damocles.
Vote Then Read: Volume II Page 208