I was suddenly reminded of last night. Desperate to feel him on me, over me, under me again.
“Wait,” he said as we reached the top step of the front porch.
I paused and Nate pulled me close, pressing his mouth to mine like he couldn’t stay away another second. My lips parted and he ran a thumb possessively up my side underneath my shirt, grazing the bottom of my breast in a way that made my breath hitch.
“Nate,” I murmured, “can we—?”
He nodded, as amped as I was.
But when we opened the front door, tripping in our hurry to sneak upstairs, unfamiliar voices floated through the house.
“Dinner. Fuck, I forgot.” Nate pulled up and checked his watch. “It’s almost seven. We’d better change. The rest will have to wait,” he said regretfully.
“Dammit.”
His eyes told me he wanted this every bit as much as I did. That knowledge would have to tide me over.
Down, girl, I thought as I followed him up the stairs.
Getting ready in fifteen minutes meant I definitely wasn’t going to wow anyone, but it seemed the lesser evil than being late.
We finally walked downstairs, clean and dressed, Nate handsome in a pale blue shirt and midnight tie and me in a flowing purple sundress I’d found in the closet. “Don’t say anything about my dad’s heart attack,” he murmured on the way in. I didn’t have time to ask about it.
It took me about five minutes to realize “small dinner” at the Townsends was unlike any family affair I’d ever witnessed. I had two brothers and a sister, plus Lex and my cousins who occasionally come for holidays. I knew loud. I knew family. I didn’t know … whatever this was.
There were ten guests at the table on the patio when we arrived. The first face my eyes fell on was Abby’s. Apparently her parents had a house down the street.
Nate ended up sitting next to her when she insisted she needed his ideas on a fundraiser. I ended up on his other side next to Toby, Nate’s cousin’s-sister’s-uncle or something.
Every time I glanced to my right—which happened a lot since my conversation partner only seemed interested in talking about himself—Abby was talking animatedly, smiling up at Nate, or touching his arm.
I’d felt badly for her when she came over and was surprised to see me and Nate, but that feeling started to slide seeing her this close to him again. Something suspiciously like jealousy rose in its place.
“Are you all right, dear?”
“Yeah, Toby. I’m fine.” I pulled my knife out from where it had delivered a death blow to my dinner roll.
Nate had seemed tense when we arrived, but after an hour he was telling stories and inside jokes with everyone else. When they started talking about the thirtieth person everyone but me seemed to know, I excused myself.
In the bathroom down the hall I whipped out my phone.
“Lex! I know you think me being here is the worst idea since the Trojans being all ‘Look, a horse!’ but I really need my best friend right now.”
“Wow.” I could hear the wheels in her head turning. “I have no idea what you’re saying, but go ahead.”
“Thank you. It’s my last night here, but I swear these people are going to kill me. Or I might kill them first. It’s like they’re speaking some weird language.”
“Hamptonese?” Lex suggested.
“They know all these people I’ve never heard of. Nate’s mom is stunning and cold as an Alaskan hooker. And Nate’s childhood friend is a Grace Kelly look-alike who happens to be in love with him and is waiting for the right time to eviscerate me with her dessert spoon.
“Nate’s dad is probably the future president of the United States, and though he seems nice enough, I can never tell what he’s actually thinking. Then there’s Abby’s sister, Ruth, Uncle-Cousin-Whatever Toby, and Nate’s cousin Charlie, who’s seventeen and looks like he wants to hump my leg. Plus a couple of neighbors who look like they wish the North had never won the Civil War. Basically, everyone hates me because they think I’m some gold digger trying to land their perfect Nathan. And I don’t even know that I am. Trying to land him, I mean. But I think I might be, and I need to decide that too.
“To top it off, they’re having oysters for dinner. You know oysters activate my gag reflex. So I’m basically just sitting there sipping soda water waiting to tackle the first person who walks by with a hot dog because I’m so damn hungry.”
The weirdest thing happened. Lex burst out laughing.
“It’s not funny!” I insisted.
“Ava. This situation is either ridiculously messed up or it’s funny. If you don’t want it to be the first, you have one other option.”
She had a point.
When I returned to the table, people were just finishing dinner.
“You OK?” Nate asked, pulling back my chair so I could sit. It was the first time I’d had his attention all dinner.
I smiled at him. “Never better.” He seemed dazzled, his eyes moving over my face.
“Ava, would you like to help me with dessert?” Celeste asked.
Dammit. Frying pan, fire.
Celeste couldn’t touch me, I reminded myself as I followed her back to the kitchen.
“Let me be direct, Ava,” she said, turning and resting a hand delicately on the granite counter. “I don’t believe what everyone else does.”
I swallowed.
“At first I’d agreed that you were in it for the name. But I see the way you look at Nathan. I know you care. So I’m going to be honest. Alistair and I gave that boy everything. Good schools, a good family. The right friends.” Her face tightened. “Then he found that girl. Brought her into our home, where she corrupted Jamie with her habit.”
Celeste noticed the look on my face.
“I take it he didn’t tell you she drove the car my son died in into a telephone pole because she was high as a kite? My son didn’t use drugs. He was brilliant, and an athlete. Still, Nathan couldn’t stop being infatuated long enough to notice her poison.”
I was still soaking in the news about Hannah, but Celeste’s words couldn’t go unanswered. I needed to defend Nate. To defend us. “Mrs. Townsend, I can’t imagine what you’ve all been through. But Nate’s not a child. You raised a capable son you can trust.”
“Ava. Three generations of Townsends have sat in that office. It’s not just about the law, the power. It’s about pride and service. Nathan may be the best of them yet. He has a quality his father doesn’t have, a genuineness, and it draws people to him.”
I knew it. It was one of my favorite things.
“What do you see when you look at her?” Celeste nodded toward the porch.
If I tilted my head I could just see our side of the table, where Nate’s head was angled toward Abby. Her face was smiling up at him.
“Blond hair. Pearls. Veneers.”
“That’s on the surface. What’s underneath is someone who can support Nathan. Who’ll put herself second to him, to what he can do. He’ll never tell you he wants that, but it’s what he needs. Abigail knows that and is ready to sign on. That is the only way to cope with this lifestyle. You? You have a career. Dreams that aren’t his.”
Anger was starting to boil up. “It doesn’t have to be one or the other. It’s the twenty-first century, Mrs. T.”
She smiled faintly. “It is. But making great men still requires sacrifices by great women. Don’t think I don’t like you. I like you very well. When I see you, I see someone who wants to be great in her own way.”
I had no response.
“If I’m right and you care about him the way I think you do, then you’ll let him go. Because your dreams and his future can’t coexist. Losing Jamie and Hannah was a lesson. A dearly expensive lesson. One that can’t go to waste.”
“How can I help with dessert?” I asked tightly.
“I think we’re fine here,” she said. “Thank you, Ava.”
I was reeling as I wandered back out to the patio and took m
y seat beside Nate. If Celeste was telling the truth, I had some answers but even more questions.
I didn’t try to follow the conversation after that, through the cake that was served and the after-dinner drinks. By eleven I excused myself to go to bed.
“I’ll come. It’s getting late,” Nate said.
“No, it’s OK. Stay,” I insisted. The truth was I didn’t want to face him alone right now. He’d sense something was wrong and want to help. But he couldn’t help. Because tomorrow we’d go home to the real world, leaving behind this bubble, for better or worse.
I took a shower, letting the hot water scorch my skin and wash away what I was thinking and feeling. Then I padded back to the unused bed in my room.
A few hours before, I’d wanted nothing more than to get Nate alone. To explore this unlikely reality that he had feelings for me, knowing I did for him. To let myself think, Could I wait for him? Could I see myself with him after all this time on opposite sides?
But now …
I thought about Celeste’s words. I wouldn’t be reckless like Hannah, but that didn’t mean I was right for their world. Even if Nate was willing to take that risk, I didn’t want to bring him more hurt. Especially if it meant sacrificing who he was, who he could be, for me.
I was still awake when I heard a noise at the door. A few moments later, the bed dented beside me.
“I’m sorry if dinner made you uncomfortable. Mom shouldn’t have invited Abby.” Nate’s voice was low.
“It’s OK, Nate. It’s not like we’re really dating.”
He was quiet a long time. “No. But don’t pretend we’re nothing.”
I heard the door close, thinking he’d gone to bed.
Seconds later I felt his hand brush mine. Then he wove my fingers through his and my heart cracked.
When I fell asleep, Nate was in my bed. His chest was pressed to my back and his knees were tucked behind mine.
23
Nate
Thursday morning the doctor gave Dad a cautious green light health-wise, saying he could be back in the city as soon as the next day and back in the office next week.
I pulled out of the lane for the familiar drive back to Manhattan. My ankle was good enough to drive and Ava was curled up next to me in the passenger seat.
Since last night she’d been distant.
I wanted to ask her what had happened, but part of me was afraid she’d thought about my question and was ready to turn me down.
“Wait for me.”
“I’ll think about it.”
My fingers tapped out a rhythm on the steering wheel.
“You must be looking forward to being home,” I prompted.
“Mhmm.”
“Is Alexis ready to kill me for kidnapping you?”
“Probably.”
I was usually content to live in my head, but today the silence was agonizing.
An hour from home I pulled over at a gas station. I opened the door to get out but stalled, finally shutting it again with both of us still inside.
“Listen, Ava. I know something happened last night. It’s not like you to be this quiet.”
She set the sketchpad down and looked up at me with troubled eyes. “Nate, your mom said something. About Hannah. About the drugs.”
So that was it.
“Nate, did you ever—?”
“No. God, no, I never did drugs.” Reaching for the memories was like opening Pandora’s box. The last thing I wanted to do was talk about it, but if it’d get us back on solid ground, make her stop looking at me with the unease written all over her face right now, I’d tell her.
“I found the needle in the garbage when we were still at school. Hannah said it was a friend’s. I didn’t find any more, so I believed her. I should’ve questioned it. I didn’t.
“The night it happened, she and Jamie’d both been using. I heard it in her voice when she called to say they’d driven off the road before we got the tox reports. She was hurt. Scared. When I asked about Jamie, she started crying. I called an ambulance. It beat me there. I followed it to the hospital. She was still alive. Jamie … I never got to say anything to him.”
“It wasn’t your fault,” Ava said softly.
I didn’t agree, but I wasn’t in the mood to argue. Too many people absolved themselves of responsibility in this world. This wasn’t only my fault, but it was my fault. If only I’d questioned the drugs, looked for answers behind Hannah’s pretty smile when she said they weren’t hers. If only I’d cared what she and Jamie were doing that summer, instead of blocking it out because I was afraid to ask. If only I’d been more careful before bringing that girl home, hadn’t let myself get completely bowled over by her at the expense of my family, my life, hers.
I forced my attention back to the present.
“Is that what was bothering you?” I asked.
“Yes.”
“All right. I’m going to get a drink. Want anything?”
She shook her head and I got out of the car.
The attendant at the gas station handed me the key for the dingy washroom when I asked. I threw up in the toilet, then looked at my pale face in the mirror.
Reflected in it I saw Jamie’s face. Hannah’s. My parents’ anguish, then their disappointment.
Last fall had been the darkest hell. To cope I’d stayed away from home. I’d drowned my pain in work during the day and a string of faceless girls at night. Drugs weren’t even an option thanks to the way Jamie and Hannah had died. But the panic attacks were the worst. I’d wake up with a weight on my chest, unable to breathe. Thinking about the way her voice had sounded on the phone and her small frame had looked in the hospital bed. The doctor telling me I’d never see my brother again. My parents’ faces when they found out.
Looking at the spotty bathroom mirror, I imagined pulling my fist back and smashing it into the glass. How it would crack, pieces flying. The pain and the satisfaction.
Instead of indulging, I delivered the key back to the attendant, grabbing a Snapple from the fridge and handing him a twenty. “Keep the change.”
I got back into the car, feeling Ava’s eyes on me.
“I need you to understand something. You were the first one in months who didn’t ignore my issues or send me pitying looks. Since then I’ve been trying. Trying to get back on the path I’ve been working toward instead of sabotaging myself. No matter what you feel for me or decide to do, I want you to know that you’ve done more for me than anyone could’ve.”
I started up the car and pulled back onto the road.
Her voice a few minutes later surprised me.
“You said yesterday you didn’t choose to be a lawyer, or that you don’t remember doing it. Do you ever think about being something else?”
I frowned. “I’ve invested the last eight years of my life, Ava. Even if I wanted to be something else, I wouldn’t know where to start.” I’d planned on being partner in my father’s firm since sophomore year of high school, and taking it over some day. Making it better by finding a way to balance pro bono work with the high-profile cases Townsend Price was known for.
“It’s easier than you think. Decide what you want and then take a leap.”
I shot her a look. “Maybe easy for you. You do what you want, when you want. No worrying about the future or the past.” It was ballsy and I admired her for it. But I had too much at stake.
“Lex’s parents wanted her to run a bank and she turned her back on it.” Ava said it as if it was exactly the same situation I was in. The same expectations.
“That’s great. But I’m not— Hold on.” A call from the office came in on my cell. I slid on my headset and tapped it to answer.
“Nathan. How are you doing?” Emma’s voice.
“Better now. Thanks for the crutches.”
“Anytime. Listen, we need to talk. I think we’re near a resolution on one case.”
The familiar rush surged through me at the thought of diving back into the fray. “
Trust you to wrap up my cases without me.”
“Well, we’re not there yet. Adams just has a couple of questions. He thinks we have enough to press them into a settlement.” The defendant in this case was an insurance company that had taken a man’s pension from him and refused him long-term disability after an accident at work. I’d put in weeks on this case, and it was good to see it coming to a close.
“Put the squeeze on. I don’t care what their number is.”
“Great. Are you coming in this afternoon?”
I thought about it. “Yeah. Yeah, I am.”
“Glad to have you back, Nathan.”
The comforting feeling of being competent took over, fading out some of the loss of control. Of not being able to be who I wanted or with who I wanted.
When I rang off, Ava was watching me with a strange expression. “It’s not that you can’t, is it? You love this.” Her voice was cooler than it’d been a few minutes ago.
I tried to remember what we were talking about. “Love what?”
“This!” She waved a finger at me, the car. “Who you are. What you do. It’s not that Townsend Price needs you, Nate. You need it. I could see the way your eyes lit up when you were on the phone. Even if you didn’t choose it, you crave it.”
Her words got my back up. “I thought you said I craved righting wrongs.”
“You do. But is that all you want? Or is it about following in the Townsend footsteps?”
We’d entered the city and crossed the bridge. It was getting harder to split my attention between the road and our conversation.
“So you’re questioning my motives because I can’t see myself dropping everything to start over.”
Her voice tensed. “That’s not what I’m saying. But it’s easy to dream, Nate. It’s harder to follow through when you can’t make everyone happy and still do what you want.”
Something about her words chafed. “Are you talking about me or about us?”
Ava looked at me like I was the biggest idiot in the world. “Nate, you ask me to wait for you, say things will work as soon as the lawsuit isn’t between us. But we’re not even in midtown and you’re back in lawyer mode. This week we were in an alternate universe. It was easy to get lost in each other. Now we’re back to our lives and everything that pulls us apart.”
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