Jack
“Holy shit,” I muttered as Carter pulled up to the scene. He pulled a J turn just to prove he could. It was like a bat signal or something between him and Abby.
“How do you want to handle this?” Carter asked, ready to get out of the car.
I slapped my hand against his chest, stopping him. “Christ, it’s Chili Man.”
“What?” He looked up and his face paled. “Fuck, we’re so screwed.”
“How the hell are we going to get out of this?”
Carter shook his head. “Is it weird that we’re more worried about Chili Man right now?”
“You already talked to her. If they were injured, Abby would have said something,” I pointed out.
“Crap, let’s go deal with this.”
We both stepped out of the car, immediately pushing people back so we could get to the vehicle. I peeked inside, noting a very annoyed Christy hanging sideways in her seat with her arms crossed over her chest.
“Are you okay?” I shouted.
“You mean other than the fact that Abby impaled the SUV on a massive bowl of chili?”
My mouth opened, but nothing came out. Chili Man came stomping over to us.
“Look at what they did!”
“Calm down, John,” I said, raising both my hands placatingly. “Let’s just get them out of the vehicle and find out what happened.”
“I’ll tell you what happened,” he snapped. “That deviant girlfriend of yours was racing down the street!”
“There has to be more to the story,” Carter interjected. “Let’s just get them out and see what they say.”
Carter and I walked around the back of the SUV and he popped the trunk. Crawling inside, we maneuvered around the seats to reach the front.
“Everyone okay?” I asked.
“Just hanging out,” Christy muttered.
“I’ve got this,” Abby said. “Don’t say anything that could incriminate yourself. That’s what they want.”
“He’s your fiancé,” Christy snapped.
“And he’s put me in jail before. Trust me, these lawmen are all about filling a quota for the month.”
“Abby, shut it,” Carter snapped. “You’re in enough trouble as it is.”
“Hey, I was protecting a fellow citizen.”
“By destroying property?” Carter asked.
“Can we save this until after we get them out of here?”
Carter and Abby shut up. He pulled Abby out first so Christy didn’t fall on her when we released her seat belt. As Carter helped her out the back, I moved into the driver’s seat. “So, how’s your day going?”
“It was fine until I got in the car with Abby,” she snapped.
“Yeah, Carter did warn you about her.”
“I didn’t think he was serious,” she said incredulously.
I chuckled slightly, amused at how this day had gone south so quickly.
“Where’s Brody?” she asked.
“He’s with the neighbor. Carter just happened to stop by when the call came in. You’re already famous.”
She groaned slightly. “Just get me out of here.”
“Are you hurt?”
“No, I’m fine.”
“Alright, I’m going to release your seat belt. Hold onto the handle so you don’t come flying at me.”
She gripped the handle tight as I released the belt. Catching her waist, I gently lowered her down, examining her for any cuts and bruises, grateful when I didn’t see any.
“Let’s get you out of here. Careful by the mailbox,” I said as I helped her into the back.
Once we were outside, we headed around to the front where everyone was gathered.
“Now, what happened?” I asked Abby.
“We were chasing her down to make a citizen’s arrest!” Abby pointed at the lady standing outside her car that had stopped just behind the SUV.
“For what?”
“Kidnapping! I saw her toss that boy in the back of her car, and then she took off.”
I walked over to the car and looked in the backseat. Sighing, I looked at Abby. “That’s her son.”
“No,” Abby shook her head. “We saw her, right? Tell them, Christy.”
Christy gaped at me, shaking her head slightly. “I…”
I shook my head at her.
“Carter, you believe me, don’t you?”
Carter rubbed his hand over his face. “Abby, why didn’t you just call us if you thought someone had been kidnapped?”
“Well, I told her to, but she couldn’t hold onto her phone.”
“You sped off,” Christy shot back. “My phone is laying on the road about two miles back.”
“And now my mailbox is ruined,” Chili Man snapped. “I want them thrown in jail for destruction of property! They ruined my brand new chili mailbox. It was a major award!”
“For what?” Carter asked in disbelief.
“My chili! I was one of eight contestants and my chili won.”
“Only eight contestants?” Carter asked.
Chili Man fumed beside him. “You have no idea how hard it is to even be invited to enter. Call NCIS now!”
“Oh my God,” Abby cried. “You’re calling in the Navy?”
“No,” Chili Man snapped. “The National Chili Imperial Society. For my new mailbox. And that thing’s not cheap either.”
“What a clusterfuck,” I muttered. “Alright, we’ll get you a new mailbox, but I’m not arresting them.”
“Why not?” Chili Man argued. “Are they exempt from the rules of society and law because they’re seeing both of you?”
“Here we go,” Carter grumbled.
“Maybe if I were to spread my legs for you, I would get some special favors,” Chili Man stated.
“Not likely. Look, let’s just go down to the station and see if we can work this out.”
“Ooh! I have dash cam footage to prove my innocence,” Abby offered.
Carter quickly grabbed her and hauled her to the police car.
“I want her arrested too,” Chili Man pointed at Christy.
“For what?” she snapped.
“For…aiding and abetting the smashing of my mailbox.”
“I was an innocent bystander.”
“You were in the car,” he shouted.
“Alright, just calm down, John. There’s no need to get so angry.”
“Really? It wasn’t your major award that was ruined!”
Sighing, I took Christy by the elbow and led her to the car. “Just…sit in the back.”
“Are you arresting me?” she hissed.
“Of course I am,” I said loudly, shoving her into the car as gently as possible. “You’re a dangerous person that needs to be locked up.” I slammed the door and walked around the car, glaring at Chili Man. “Happy?”
“Extremely.”
“Tell me again why we’re having poker night at my house?” Eric grumbled.
“Because Chili Man thinks you’re the one that runs this all,” I informed him again as I hauled in the food from Penny’s car.
“I don’t get why he had to come.”
“Because it’s the only way I could keep Abby and Christy out of jail.”
He snorted. “Like you would actually arrest your own girlfriend.”
“I arrested you, didn’t I?” I shot back.
“Fair enough.”
“That’s all of it,” Josh said as he hauled in the last of the food. “Are you sure this is going to do the trick?”
“It should. Eric, you’re ready?”
He held up the package of coasters. “I’ve got twenty-four of them. If that doesn’t annoy the fuck out of him, I don’t know what will.”
Kat walked into the room, her eyes dropping to our feet. “You need to take off your shoes.”
I eyed my shoes in confusion. “Why?”
She sighed loudly. “If you’re going to annoy him, you have to go all out. No shoes in the house. Put them outside on the
porch. And don’t stop at the coasters. Anytime someone spills food or leaves crumbs behind, you have to get out the Dust Buster.”
“Huh?” I asked.
She walked to the closet and pulled out the handheld vacuum, turning it on with a grin.
“You’re serious?”
“As a heart attack. And you should follow him to the bathroom and show him which hand towel he should use. I’ve put out ten,” she grinned.
I rubbed my forehead. This was beginning to seem more like a job than anything. But it would be worth it in the end if it meant Chili Man didn’t come to any more poker nights.
Twenty minutes later, the kitchen was packed with the guys. All the women were in the other room, chatting loudly. Their job tonight was to be as annoying as possible, which I figured wouldn’t be too hard. And on top of all the women in the house, we also had all the kids. It was a madhouse that we planned to portray as controlled chaos.
“Here he is,” Josh said, nodding to the window. “Alright, places, everyone.”
We all took our seats around the table, sitting up stiffly. Eric headed for the door, clearing his throat. Swinging the door open, he smiled broadly at Chili Man.
“John, it’s good of you to come. Please leave your shoes outside.”
“My what?”
“Your shoes. We don’t wear them in the house. It’s not good for the kids, you know all the dirt and…germs.”
“But…you live on a farm.”
“I’m aware,” Eric said, holding the best poker face of all of us. John removed his shoes and stepped inside, waving to all of us.
Eric sighed audibly as he looked down at Chili Man’s socks.
“What?” Chili Man asked.
“It’s nothing. You didn’t know.”
“Know what?”
“We always wear white socks to poker night.”
A bark of laughter erupted from Chili Man. “Is that like a good luck thing?”
Eric looked up at him seriously. “No, it’s so I know who tracked what around my house. At the end of the night, everyone helps clean up. The person with the dirtiest socks has to clean the floors.”
John’s eyes went wide as he stared down at his socks and then back up at all of us. “Um…”
“Don’t worry. We’ll let you off the hook tonight.” He slapped him on the back and jerked his head for him to come inside.
“So, this is poker night.”
“I saved you a seat right next to me,” I said, pulling out a chair. Antonio sat on the other side of the empty chair and as Chili Man walked around the table, Antonio sent him a deadly glare. It hadn’t been the easiest to get Antonio to go along with our plan, but in the end, he liked the idea of intimidating someone from town.
“So,” Chili Man grinned as he took his seat, looking first at me and then at Antonio. “What are we playing?”
“Texas Hold ‘em,” Josh answered, dealing the cards.
“Huh, I thought maybe we’d play five card draw.”
Josh slowly looked up from the cards and narrowed his eyes at Chili Man. “We never play five card draw.”
“Why?” Chili Man chuckled.
“Let’s just say the last game didn’t end so well.” His eyes flicked to Antonio, who slowly pulled out a pocket knife to clean under his nails. I almost started laughing at how ridiculous it was.
Audibly swallowing, Chili Man picked up his cards and glanced nervously around the table.
“I’ll get the drinks,” Eric said, standing quickly. He started pulling down glasses from the cabinet and one by one filled them with water. “Andrew, coasters please.”
Andrew nodded and grabbed the coasters, setting each down carefully so they all sat squarely on the table. He even got down on his knees so he was at eye level with the table to examine each coaster to ensure it was perfectly placed.
Chili Man leaned over to me and whispered. “What is he doing?”
“Putting out coasters,” I responded as if that was the most ridiculous question.
“But…why is he examining them?”
I looked at him funny. “To make sure they’re laid out correctly.”
“Is there a wrong way to do it?” Chili Man asked.
“Actually,” Eric spoke up as he started setting out the cups. “This table has a slight tilt to it. So, each coaster has to be laid out just right so that the condensation from the glasses doesn’t run over the edge of the coaster and spill out onto the table, thus leaving a watermark.”
“Why not just use cork coasters?” Chili Man asked.
We all groaned and I tossed my cards down on the table. “Now you’ve done it.”
“Do you know what they put in those coasters?” Eric asked. “They’re filled with chemicals that are not only unpleasing the nose, but they shouldn’t be put within ten feet of anything you would ingest.”
“I had no idea,” Chili Man said, his eyebrows raised.
“On top of that, they stick to the bottom of the glass, which then spills the condensation onto the table after you lift it, defeating the purpose of having the coaster to begin with.”
He nodded slightly. “Well…that makes sense.”
“And don’t even get me started on what a waste of money they are. Over time, the water makes them crack and break apart, again, letting the condensation slip through the fissures and pool under the coaster on the table. In the end, you have a worse water ring than if it were to just roll off the edge of the coaster because the weight of the cup is trapping the liquid against the grain of the table.”
Chili Man grabbed his water, careful to fix his coaster after it shifted slightly. Taking a drink of water, he set it down, making sure to wipe the table when some water spilled. Eric swooped in with a paper towel and lifted the water, the coaster, and shoved Chili Man’s arms out of the way as he made sure every speck of water was gone.
“I think it’s time for some food,” I said loudly, grinning when Penny came rushing into the kitchen.
“I’ll get it ready,” she smiled. Christy and Abby followed her in, helping her to gather the food.
“What are we having?” Chili Man asked. “Ribs? Barbecue sandwiches?”
Antonio snorted beside him.
“My favorite,” Joe grinned, rubbing his hands together. Penny laid his plate in front of him first. Joe looked down at the plate of vegetables, practically salivating. “Penny, say you’ll leave Nathan and run away with me.”
She took him by the chin and shook him slightly. “I think Sofia would have a problem with that.”
The door opened and Nathan walked in, without his shoes and wearing white socks. “Sorry I’m late. Surgery went longer than expected.”
“You’re just in time,” Eric grinned. “We were just passing out the food.”
I watched as the ladies laid out the plates in front of us, containing five cherry tomatoes, five celery sticks, five baby carrots, four cheese sticks.
“What’s this?” Chili Man frowned.
“Appetizers,” Robert said, biting into his celery stick.
“But there’s no dressing, and why are we having this? I assumed there would be pretzels and chips.”
“That’s just damned uncivilized,” Will said.
“Not to mention, unhealthy,” Penny added. “No, on poker night, we have strict rules about the food. We need our men strong.”
Chili Man looked around at all of us as we munched on our snacks. “You’re serious?”
“As a heart attack,” Nathan answered, placing a napkin on his lap after taking his seat. He popped a cherry tomato in his mouth and moaned. “Delicious. See, we used to eat all that garbage, but this is so much better for you. Carrots give you fiber to help keep your blood sugar low, not to mention, help with bowel movements. It also provides calcium and vitamin K, both of which are important for bone health. And then we have tomatoes, which help reduce the risk of heart disease and cancer, so eat up. That chili you make is probably eating you from the inside out.�
�
“Hold on,” Chili Man stopped him. “You can’t be serious. This is poker night and we’re having water and vegetables?”
“And a healthy dinner of grilled chicken, quinoa, and broccoli,” Abby smiled. “You’re going to love it.”
Chili Man sighed and shoved his chair back. “I need the restroom.”
“I’ll take you,” Eric stood.
“Just show me the way.”
“No can do. Each of us has our own hand towel so we don’t spread germs. I’ll show you which one you can use.”
Eric followed him down the hall as we all watched. As I glanced around the table, it was hard for each of us to keep from bursting out in laughter. When Chili Man returned, watching Eric as he trailed behind him, I knew we were going to win this round.
Chili Man sat down and took a drink, only to have Eric rush over with another paper towel, repeating his earlier routine of wiping down the table. Throughout the night, every time someone spilled even the smallest thing, Eric was out of his seat, grabbing the Dust Buster to clean up the mess. I could feel the irritation rolling off Chili Man with every minute that passed.
When dinner was served, he stared down at the meal with disdain, but grudgingly ate the meal. The breaking point was when Abby walked over to him and tucked a napkin into his shirt. He tore it from the front, wiping at his mouth before setting it on the table. Eric grabbed two paper towels, one to pick up Chili Man’s used one, and a second to replace it.
“You know,” Chili Man said, shoving back his chair. “I really should get home. It’s getting late.”
“It’s only eight o’clock,” I pointed out. “There’s still plenty of time for more poker fun.”
I could have sworn I heard him mutter under his breath, What fun?
Walking over to the door, Eric rushed after him. “Before you go, I need to check your socks.”
“For what?” Chili Man snapped.
Eric looked back at us and frowned. “Well…to see if your socks are dirty.”
“I have an early day tomorrow. You’ll clean up for me this time, right?”
Eric nodded. “Of course.”
I walked over to the door, struggling to keep the grin off my face. “So, we’ll see you next week, same time?”
“I’ll call you,” he said before slipping out the door and grabbing his shoes, running to his truck without even putting them on. When he tore out of the driveway, I turned back to everyone and smiled.
Four Horsemen: A Small Town Romance (A Good Run Of Bad Luck Book 5) Page 27