by L. G. Davis
Danielle stands, but she shifts from one foot to the other. “Will you pay me today or next time?” she asks.
“Oh. Yes. Give me a moment.” Anita puts Lea in my arms and grabs her handbag, which is hanging from a chair. She pulls out several bills and gives them to Danielle.
“Thank you, ma’am,” the girl says. “Same time next week?” she asks, pushing the notes into her jeans pocket.
“I’ll give you a call,” Anita says.
Something doesn’t feel right. The whole atmosphere is tense.
“Anita, who was that?” Through the living room window, I can see Danielle getting into her car, her hair shining like gold in the sunlight.
Anita lets out a long, audible breath. “She’s a nanny...for Lea.”
I pull Lea closer to my chest and for the first time in a long time, she doesn’t seem uncomfortable. “Are you saying she comes here to take care of Lea on the days when I leave her with you?”
Anita’s chin dips to her chest. “Yeah. It helps me get some work done, you know.”
I lower myself onto the nearest couch, my head spinning. “Why didn’t you say anything about this before?”
If I had known that Anita was hiring a babysitter to help her out, I would never have left Lea with her. I don’t see anything wrong with hiring a babysitter, but obviously Anita is having trouble caring for Lea. Instead of telling me she can’t help me out, she hired a sitter behind my back. Why would she do that?
“I didn’t want you to think that I can’t handle it.”
“Why not? I also can’t handle it half the time.” I pause. “You should have said something.”
“You’re not angry, are you?” Anita’s eyes meet mine again, her lips pressed together.
I take a few deep breaths before responding. “I’m not angry. I just wish you would’ve told me. I don’t want you to feel like you have to take care of Lea. And I don’t want you paying a sitter from your own pocket.” I sigh. “You know what, from now on I’ll be taking care of her myself. I’m off work anyway.”
“You said your boss told you to take another break?”
“Yes. I’ve been messing up at work. I’m lucky he’s not firing me. I’ve made some pretty big mistakes lately.” I feel awkward about changing back to this subject when we haven’t resolved the issue of Anita’s secret babysitter.
“What kind of mistakes?” Anita asks.
I shrug. “It doesn’t matter.” I kiss the top of my baby’s head. “The important thing is that I’ll be here to take care of Lea.”
“And yourself.” Anita sits down next to me and puts a hand around my shoulders. “You need to take care of yourself.”
“Lea comes first.”
“I know that, but you have to be well enough to look after her. And I don’t think you are.”
“What am I supposed to do? I’m her mother.” I swallow down the tears lingering in my throat. I’m still upset that Anita kept a secret from me, especially one about my baby. “I should be able to take care of her.”
“I know.” She squeezes my shoulder. “But you still need help. I think you should see a therapist and you should hire a nanny, preferably one who lives with you.”
I laugh. “A live-in babysitter?”
“Yeah, sort of like an au pair. She can help you out at night. That’s the hardest time for you. You could get some sleep. You don’t even have to do it for long...a couple of weeks maybe.”
She has a point. Nights are the worst. Maybe if I manage to get several days of a full night’s rest, I’ll be a better mom to Lea. But the idea of handing over my responsibilities completely to someone else makes me feel uneasy.
“What if Lea ends up liking the nanny more than me?”
“That’s not going to happen.” Anita reaches for my free hand. “You are her mother.”
“You’re right,” I say and gaze down at my sleeping baby. She still has the bottle in her mouth, but her eyes are closed and her long lashes rest on her cheeks. She looks so peaceful, so beautiful. She deserves the best. I look back at Anita. “I don’t even know where to start looking for a nanny.”
“The first place we can check is the notice board at Budget Foods. That’s how I found Danielle.”
“Do you think Danielle would be up to doing it? She already knows Lea.”
“I don’t think she’ll be able to babysit full-time. She works as a waitress in the evenings.” Anita pushes a hand through her hair. “Don’t worry, we’ll interview a couple of people and find the right person for Lea. I actually think there’s a nanny agency in town. I’ll look up the address.”
“Thanks. That would be amazing.”
“No problem. But I really think you should see a therapist as well.” Anita stands up again and opens a drawer. She comes back to the couch with a business card. The same business card she gave me at the hospital. She tosses it into my handbag. “In case you lost the other one.”
“Okay. I’ll give the therapist a call. I promise.”
When I get back home with Lea, I’m determined to seek help for her and myself. As soon as I put her down for her nap, I pull out the business card and call Kelly Wilkinson. She’s out of town, but she agrees to see me the following week when she’s back.
As soon as I hang up the phone, my doorbell rings. I curse under my breath, annoyed that someone might wake Lea.
I hurry to the door before the bell rings again.
But there’s no one there, only a stuffed teddy bear with stitches on its belly, like it had been operated on by a child.
I peel my gaze from the toy and look around the driveway. I don’t see anyone.
Back in the house, I call Anita to tell her about it.
“Did you see anyone suspicious walking down the street?”
“No. I only saw Tamara walking her dog.”
Tamara Hodges is a seventy-year-old woman. Her house is on the other side of the street, across from mine. She usually gifts people sweet potato pies and cakes, not teddy bears.
Anita clears her throat and continues. “Maybe one of the neighborhood kids left it for Lea.”
“Honestly, I think it’s too creepy to be a gift.” After Andrew died, Lea and I received many presents from the neighbors, and many of them were left on the doorstep.
But there’s something different about the teddy bear. It makes me uncomfortable just to look at it. Instead of taking it to Lea’s room, I take it to the basement. I’m tempted to toss it, but what if Anita is right? If it really is a gift, that would be rude. But the sender won’t know that I hid it out of sight.
I spend the rest of the day trying not to think about it.
I WAKE UP FROM A NIGHTMARE, sweating and cold.
In the darkness I see her, standing in the middle of the room, watching me. I smell her perfume; lilies with a hint of lemongrass.
It has happened several times in the past week. I’ve woken up and thought I saw her in the room. I know it’s impossible. She can’t be here. She died seven years ago.
But it feels so real.
I sit up in bed, trying not to scream. I keep my eyes on the dark figure. I can’t make out her face, but I know it’s her.
Lea is crying again. I want to go to her, to comfort her, but I have to face my demons.
The past few nights, I’ve switched on the light and not found anyone there. What if this time it’s real?
You’re being ridiculous, Delia. She’s dead. You watched her die. You were at her funeral.
I’ve spent seven years trying to run from memories of the night my college friend, Tina Rogers, died. I left Oakney because I wanted to escape from the truth that only Andrew and I knew about.
Maybe I should have moved to a place that was farther than three hours away, or left North Carolina completely. But then I would never have met and loved Andrew.
Now that he’s no longer here to shield me, the past is back to haunt me.
“Tina,” I whisper, feeling foolish. Dead people don’t speak,
but a part of me still expects to hear her voice. But the only sounds I hear are those of my heart slamming against my chest and the sound of my baby girl crying.
Tina doesn’t respond. She’s not in the room. My mind is playing tricks on me again.
I flick on the light and relief gushes through me when I see nothing is there. I get to my feet and stumble toward the door, my knees barely able to keep me upright. I use the walls and doors to help me along.
I’m still running from the truth. I thought I had outrun my past and everything that comes with it, but it seems I was wrong. Now, I’m terrified that everything will come out into the open to destroy the new life I’ve built.
I make it to Lea’s room in tears and lift her from her crib. This time, I’m the one in need of comfort. I need her as much as she needs me.
I take her with me to my bed and hold her until she stops crying and falls asleep.
I only have an hour or two at the most before she wakes up again, so I try to catch some sleep.
Instead, images of the teddy bear left on our porch flash through my mind. I can’t help feeling that it’s some kind of message to me.
I don’t care if it was a gift or not. I need to get rid of it. I can’t sleep with it inside my house. I sneak out of bed and tiptoe to the basement, grab the bear, and take it to the garbage cans outside the house.
Lea is still asleep when I return, and I lie next to her and close my eyes. Maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad idea to have a live-in nanny. Knowing that someone else is living in the house with me would make me feel safer.
As desperate as I am to fall asleep, I stay awake until Lea stirs at 3:00 a.m. Scooping her into my arms, I’m feeling both exhausted and afraid of the unknown.
I feed her a bottle while standing at the large windows of her nursery. They overlook the garden that Andrew had once loved to tend, and Anita’s house.
I’m surprised to see Anita’s bedroom light on. Through the sheer blinds I watch her pacing around the room. She’s holding something to her body. It’s only when she lifts it to her mouth that I notice it’s a bottle.
Is she drinking again?
Holding my breath, I watch her for a while, expecting her to take a swig, but she doesn’t. She lowers the bottle from her lips again and holds it to her body. Maybe knowing it’s there makes her feel better.
Something is obviously troubling her.
Guilt stabs me in the chest. I’ve been so focused on my own problems that I’ve neglected to check up on her. I make a mental note to talk to her about it. I’ll not mention the bottle of alcohol, but I’ll make it clear that I’m here for her, like she’s been here for me.
I turn away from the windows and lower Lea into her crib. After watching her sleep for a few minutes, I walk back to my room, where my nightmares await me.
I would have loved to have her sleep in my bed, but I talk in my sleep. I would wake her again. Andrew was the one who told me about my sleep-talking, and that’s what forced me to tell him about my past. Since I had given away too much in my sleep, I had to come clean. I was terrified of what he would think of me when he discovered who I truly am and what I did. But to my surprise, he only pulled me into his arms and told me we never had to speak of it again.
He was my comfort blanket. Now he’s gone, and I feel terribly cold and terrified of the unknown.
Chapter 5
After two weeks of searching for the perfect nanny, I finally decided to hire Madison Price. Instead of choosing a random nanny online or from some noticeboard, I chose to go with the Little Cradle Nanny Agency that Anita had mentioned. This was especially important since she will be staying in my home.
Marcella White is the elegant-looking owner of the agency. As soon as I met her for the first time, she assured me that her passion was to lift burdens off the shoulders of mothers with small kids.
She made me feel so taken care of that I ended up sobbing in her office. I don’t know why, but she reminded me of my mother. She seems to be around the same age my mother would be, in her late fifties, and has the same gentle and understanding eyes. The only difference is that my mother had preferred to wear jeans and t-shirts almost every day, and Marcella looked at home in a cream business suit and scarlet high heels.
“Our nannies are the best in town,” she said with a smile. “You never have to worry about your baby not being well taken care of. It’s our job to make your life easier. We will take your baby off your hands so you can have more time for yourself.” She squeezed my hand then, and introduced me to Madison, the only nanny willing to move in with us.
I’m now standing at my bedroom window, watching Madison’s Honda slide into the space that used to be reserved for Andrew’s car.
I’ve met her twice already and asked her endless questions. Two days ago, she did a test babysitting session so I could see whether Lea would take to her. My baby curled up into Madison’s chest, apparently feeling right at home in her arms. Madison will be the perfect nanny for Lea until I’m ready to take care of her myself without outside help.
I head downstairs and open the door for Madison. Together, we bring her luggage into the house. Even though the contract is only for four months to start with, she’s brought way more luggage than I expected.
Madison is five years older than me, and she has a smile that puts me immediately at ease. The first time I met her, I couldn’t help wondering why she chose to dedicate her life to caring for other people’s children instead of creating her own family. But that’s her business, not mine. I am grateful that she’s available to help me out. Deep down inside I was afraid that she might change her mind and I wouldn’t be able to find a nanny that I liked and trusted.
“It’s so nice to see you again, Madison. Welcome home.”
“Mrs. Caswell, I’m so excited to babysit little Lea. Your daughter is cute as a button!” Since Madison is much shorter than me, she tips her head back to meet my eyes.
“Thanks.” I close the door behind us. “But since you live here now, please call me Delia.”
“Delia,” she says, blushing. “Thank you for welcoming me into your home.”
I give her a smile and pick up one of her suitcases to carry upstairs.
“Where’s Lea?” she asks, looking around.
“She’s taking a nap. She didn’t get much sleep last night.”
“I’m guessing you didn’t either?” Madison gives me a warm smile.
“No.” I sigh. “As you already know, she wakes up a lot at night.”
“You don’t have to worry about that anymore.” Madison follows me up the stairs. “I’ve sleep-trained many babies and I will put Lea on a proper routine. Before you know it, your little girl will be sleeping through the night.”
“That sounds like a dream.” At the top of the stairs, I turn right and walk toward the guestroom, which is right next to Lea’s room.
“This is such a beautiful room,” Madison says, lowering her suitcase next to the double bed dressed in cream and peach bedding.
The room has not always been a guestroom. It also served as a storage room for clothing that we didn’t need often like extra suits and coats for Andrew. It had been heartbreaking to clear it of his belongings. For now, they’re sitting in the basement until I decide what to do with them next.
“I’m happy you like it.” I move to the windows and pull back the cream curtains. “Make yourself at home. When you’re done, maybe we can have a coffee together before I head out.”
Today, everything is changing at once. In an hour, I have my first appointment with the therapist Anita recommended.
“Yes, I’d like that.”
“All right. I’ll see you downstairs.” I close the door behind me and go to the kitchen to turn on the coffee machine.
I don’t drink coffee, but Madison mentioned at the interview that she’s a dedicated coffee drinker. Since Andrew also preferred tea to coffee, we didn’t have a machine. I only bought one to make Madison feel more at home.
She takes longer upstairs than I expected. After twenty minutes, I go and check on her, to make sure she’s all right and doesn’t need anything.
I find her standing in the doorway of Lea’s nursery, watching her sleep. She doesn’t see me immediately so I watch her in silence. Something stabs the pit of my stomach.
Jealousy.
Madison will be spending a lot of time with Lea, and I’m still afraid that my daughter might end up liking her more than me.
“Coffee is ready,” I whisper, and Madison jolts. It’s just a little, but enough for me to notice.
“Sorry.” She smiles. “I didn’t see you over there.”
Downstairs, I pour her a mug of coffee and a glass of water for myself. We sit at the kitchen table.
“I forgot to mention to you at the interview that I would be happy to help out with housework as well,” she says.
“You don’t have to do that. That’s not your job. You’re here to take care of Lea.”
“That’s all right.” Madison takes a sip of her coffee and lowers the cup to the table. The steam curls upward to her face. “I’m great at multitasking and I actually love housework. It calms me. That doesn’t mean you have to pay me extra. I just love helping out.”
I have definitely been slacking on housework, but I’m determined not to overwhelm her in any way. Her priority is Lea. Since I won’t have to wake up too many times during the night, I’ll have more energy to take care of my own home.
“Thank you, Madison,” I say anyway. “You’re so kind.”
“You’re welcome.” She glances out the window. “Your neighbor sure is a peach.”
“Anita?” I follow her gaze. “Yes, she’s been my friend for a while now.”
Madison knows Anita because she had come along to help interview her.
“I’m so sorry about your husband. It must be hard to live in the house with all these memories of him.”
I slide my lower lip between my teeth and nod. I’ve played with the idea of selling the house and moving somewhere else where I won’t be constantly reminded of Andrew. However, while the memories of him are painful, they’re also comforting. Having his things around makes it easy for me to pretend he’s still around.