by Natalie Lue
This means that if you’re contemplating cutting contact with your ex-husband/wife, the person you’re separated from, family, friends who you may still need to see around, co-workers, the father/mother of your child, you can cut contact with them, not by cutting them entirely out of your life, but by consistently communicating your new boundaries so that they realise that if they want to engage with you, they need to do so in a manner which respects your boundaries or you won’t be engaging. People recognise consequences through actions, particularly if the person or people in question are used to you talking but not following through. Taking decisive action is far more effective.
This section also covers tricky situations including money issues, recovery from a fantasy involvement and dealing with someone who is abusive or even a narcissist with a chapter on The Get Out Plan for if you need to have a carefully managed exit for your own protection.
CO-PARENTING
Having children adds a new dimension to No Contact but the principles remain the same – you’re not cutting contact between your ex and your child; you’re cutting it between the two of you and keeping it politely distant. Let me reassurance you that this isn’t impossible, you just need to factor in your ex remaining a part of your life, but that it’s got to be all about your child from now on.
Whenever I see people who have kids struggling with NC, it’s because they either don’t believe that they have NC as an option or it’s because they confuse the fact that they have to co-parent with their ex with having rights to continue drama. Many parents worry about the effect of breaking up but at the same time many don’t give enough thought to the effect of them remaining together. I’ve come across so many people who are the adult children of parents who repeatedly broke up and got back together, or who had incredibly unhealthy relationships, or even worse, claimed that they remained in toxic relationships for the children. No child wants or deserves that burden. If you remain in an unhealthy relationship, at least be honest about why you’re doing this and don’t put it on the child – it will mess with their head as they get older and they may feel very guilty and confused, especially if they know that your self-esteem and quality of life has been very affected.
Ultimately, you’re going to have to do ‘low contact’ – when you engage with your ex, it needs to be about your child, not your ego or your past relationship.
You can limit contact with the parent of your child and unless they’re abusive/neglectful to your child – which is another matter altogether – there’s no need to treat the fact that you’ve both broken up as an opportunity to cut your child off from their parent. It’s not fair to your child or your ex to use your child as a weapon against them. While there are shady relationship partners who are also shady parents, there are also parents who cannot hold a relationship together and are a pain in the arse, but they do love their children and actually manage to be good parents. Both of you can be the parent of your child even though your relationship isn’t continuing.
Prioritise Welfare Not Ego
When you have an unhealthy relationship or you no longer want to be together even if at one point it was a healthy relationship, it’s important for all parties concerned that boundaries, consistency, the welfare of your children and your own welfare are considered. It’s critical to balance serving the needs of your child with your own needs, wishes and expectations. If you involve your child in the drama or they become increasingly aware of the negative impact upon you, which may include you not being truly emotionally, physically and spiritually available to them, this is a problem.
Judge the situation and make decisions that are appropriate to the wellbeing of your family. Your child loves both of you and may want you both to remain together but they’re not schooled in the nuances of adult relationships, nor are they privy to the ins and outs of why your relationship hasn’t worked out (and nor do they need to be). If their other parent has been in their life then they’re going to feel a difference initially but if you remove yourself out of the drama and focus on co-parenting, they’ll gradually feel more secure. If your child is now an adult or close to being an adult, I certainly wouldn’t try to remain in an unhealthy relationship at their instruction and don’t let them get involved in ‘mediating’ and ‘conflict resolution’ because not only will it end in tears but children who feel that they have to Florence Nightingale their parents end up growing up into adults who get involved in codependent relationships and/or become people pleasers with no sense of their own identities.
Stick To Civil As Your Default Setting
Start as you mean to go on – being civil and handling things maturely. You can do this without being bosom buddies. There may come a time when you can relax a bit more and being friendly gets easier but just remember that until you’ve established a consistent rhythm for co-parenting and you’re over them and they’re not overstepping your boundaries, stick to Low Contact. If being polite is made nigh on impossible by their behaviour, go for the absolute bare minimum. I personally know parents who are doing Low Contact and because there’s no drama, the children are happy and the parents have been forced to get on with their respective lives, which may include dealing with issues which ultimately benefit the children and their relationship with their ex. If you can both show a united front with your child even if you have to grit your teeth on other subjects, your child will feel secure.
Set Boundaries Now
NC when you have children is about not engaging in all of the stuff that has contributed to the breakdown of the relationship, and focusing on co-parenting. You will send mixed signals to your child if your boundaries aren’t put in place asap and the longer that it goes on for, the harder that it is for your child to adapt. Decide what your boundaries are and recognise where you’re vulnerable so that you can strengthen boundaries that your ex might typically exploit. If they keep trying to cross the line, send a weekly email that has bullet points of what your child has done each week. Pre-empt any dodgy moves on their part and put photocopies of report cards, pictures they’ve done etc, with them in an envelope or bag ready to hand over when you’re doing drop off or collection. In fact, if they keep pushing it, you know that they have no interest in you sharing this information, so stop and let them recognise the difference and ask for it. This is always difficult to digest because we’re protective of our children and want to believe that their parent has their utmost interest at heart but some people don’t. You do. Hopefully they do too and your children will no doubt reap the benefit when dealing with your ex one-on-one, but via you, if they demonstrate that they can’t disentangle from their desire to manipulate and control you, hold firm on your boundaries.
Stay On Topic
Keep the overwhelming majority of the conversations on topic (about your child) until you’ve firmly established the boundaries and they’ve received the message loud and clear that you are not interested in anything beyond this. The litmus test of this is: you know that you can relax a bit when you’ve reached indifference and aren’t personalising your ex’s behaviour and giving away your power.
If your ex uses talk about the kids as an opening to line you up for boundary busting, keep it brief and if they cross the line, feign another call coming through or a place you have to go. Do it every single time and eventually they learn that if they change the topic, you’ll end the conversation.
If things are pretty raw, keep the small talk to a minimum. Because your actions are all about NC and co-parenting, this will not cause mixed signals especially because they’ll work out through these actions that yes you’re being civil, but no you’re not engaging beyond this. You don’t need to know how they are; they don’t need to know how you are. Of course you can ask but it’s in that “How are you?” kinda way, not “How are you so by the way are you sleeping with somebody? Are you missing me?” While this may seem harsh, until you’re in an emotional place where you don’t run the risk of putting yourself at risk for confusion or hurt (by reading too
much into things they may be saying or doing) impose a conversational diet. Otherwise you run the risk of being nostalgic, getting things out of perspective, and potentially reacting to this.
Don’t Hang About
Aid the process by working out pick up and drop off arrangements that don’t leave much room for hanging about. This means being ready on time because waiting around is either going to create an opportunity for conversation or possibly confrontation. You can also open the door when you see them pulling up outside and bring your child out or go outside to collect. The message will be loud and clear – you’re not engaging.
Consider Mediation
Meeting with a neutral, professional third party every few weeks for a few months can be incredibly beneficial for not only creating boundaries between you and working out how to co-parent, but it will focus discussions to these sessions so that not only can you can go about your life in the meantime but you can focus on being and doing things that help NC and your mediation sessions. A mediator will focus on ensuring that you reach an agreement that meets your child’s needs while also working out the practical side of your breakup and also nipping any unhelpful side discussions in the bud. This will save you a lot of money on court costs plus an agreement can be drafted that, while not legally binding, should further issues arise, can be taken to your solicitor/lawyer so that they have a clear overview of what was previously agreed.
Some people get incredibly defensive about court so a mediator is often a far more palatable option. I wouldn’t go to mediation sessions and say “Oh by the way, when we’re done here, I’m going to cut you off” – there’s no need because whether or not mediation is successful (and hopefully it is), you will know that you’ve tried and when you go about your own life and stop engaging, your reasons will be clear. It wouldn’t make sense to go through mediation, make an agreement and then confuse the hell out of it by returning to old discussions, conflicts or even sex.
Of course if they refuse to go for mediation but you do end up having to go to court, your attempts are highly likely to be regarded very favourably. If in the past when you’ve attempted to have discussions and resolve issues, this person has been quite aggressive, I would insist on mediation so that it’s clear that their behaviour will no longer be tolerated.
Don’t Eat the Guilt Cookie
Some people know how to play to your people pleasing instincts. Even when what you’re doing is essentially curtailing unhealthy behaviour for the benefit of your child, they’ll play into this idea that you’re committing some sort of wrongdoing. If you’ve typically been the equivalent of a high-absorbency-blame kitchen roll, they will exploit this. If they claim that you keeping your distance is hindering their parenting, do remind them that they can be a parent without sleeping with, arguing with or controlling you and that you’re not preventing a relationship with their child. They can’t have it both ways and keep you in an unhealthy relationship – you’re not their property.
Stick To An Arrangement
Before you embark on Low Contact, work out visitation arrangements and stick with it. Yes it will take some getting used to, yes it may be a big change for one of you if you’re used to being around your child all the time, but you all need this arrangement so that you can begin the transition. If you don’t have a routine, you don’t know what to expect out of your week which means your ex could be popping up like a Jack-in-the-box plus it will be very disruptive for your child. Some people get very resistant to making arrangements because it seems so ‘formal’ and then when they don’t know whether they’re coming or going, they regret being afraid of conflict or making things official. Make the arrangement – it’s in all of your best interests.
No Unannounced Visits
You each have your respective lives to lead and they also cannot carry on as if nothing has changed. If you don’t set boundaries on this now, you’ll be kicking yourself, especially when you eventually start dating somebody else or it feels like nothing has really changed. I also doubt that showing up unannounced cuts both ways so why allow them to throw their weight around? Change the locks (if you haven’t already) and make it clear that if they want to come by, they need to make arrangements with you.
If your ex turns up, find out what they want and then let them know that next time they’ll need to make an arrangement with you or say that they can stay for a few minutes and then they’ll have to go. If it’s happened before, ask them to leave as soon as it’s possible without there being a big scene. Right now, you’re not in a position to be playing host and if you start trying to be all social, you will let down your guard, and no doubt let down your boundaries. Also take advantage of their arrival to go and run some errands or ask a friend to meet up or just go and do something for yourself!
It’s inappropriate for them to tell your child that they’re coming over without speaking to you first as it puts you in a compromising position. If your child is of an age where they may feel that they can make arrangements, steer them towards arranging to go to your ex’s place or have clear guidelines about how these arrangements should be made and when. If your ex claims that they ‘should’ be able to see their kids whenever the mood strikes, remind them that you’re no longer together, you have your own life, and if the mood does strike, they still need to make a call and see if what they’ve planned is possible. Leave a little room in your childcare arrangements for flexibility but I would also try to by and large stick to what has been agreed. If you’re going to revise the agreement, do it after it’s had a few months trial or the source of teething issues has been identified.
No Sex
I know that there’s history but don’t overestimate the value of it and end up providing a license to continue sleeping together. While you can do it, not only are you likely to find that it plays havoc with your mind and creates an uncomfortable situation between you both, but you also risk creating tension that will affect everyone including your child.
Think about whether there is a possibility that you’ll get hit up for sex, or that you’ll be tempted to chase for it, and pre-empt by reminding yourself of exactly why it’s a bad idea, especially if this has already happened before because you can gauge what is likely to result from it. What are you going to do the next time that you feel horny? Work out your plan B. Also consider whether sleeping with your ex is worth the confusion you or your child might experience. There is a reason why you’re no longer together – don’t provide the fringe benefits of being with you without the responsibility. Remember: if you allow sex to be your hook, you’re giving someone the blueprints to literally screw you over. If you’ve already done a ‘backsliding special’, they’ll probably believe that they have you where they want you after sleeping together – little do they realise that you’ve wised up. They may have had their ego stroke, their sex and have proved to themselves that they can still ‘get you’ so they may feel confident enough to leave you alone until their next fix, but next time you’ll know exactly how to deal with them.
Dial Down the Drama
Don’t use NC to play games that may create drama. Unless you want your child to think that drama and upheaval is normal and then replicate this in their own adult relationships, what you do now is critical for providing a healthy example. Tempting as it may be, try not to say derogatory things about your ex, don’t pass messages, don’t put them between the two of you and keep the amount of batshit crazy stuff that they hear or witness to an absolute minimum. Ultimately it’s a question of asking, “Is this one issue worth it?” because if it’s instant gratification and a longer-term hangover, don’t go there.
Children don’t want to feel divided like they’re being made to pick sides or that they’re failing you if they love their parent or enjoy spending time with them. They don’t want to feel scared and they’re also far too young to be having adult concerns and worrying about taking care of you because you don’t know how to keep it together. They need consistency even if that consistency
is a co-parenting arrangement where the parents aren’t the best of friends or even friends at all, but they get on with the business of taking care of their child.
Halt Abuse In Its Tracks
I hear some truly awful stories of exes who seem to think that they can be abusive to the parent of their child. This is completely unacceptable and there are too many parents who feel hostage to an ex’s abuse due to sharing a child. You know the signs by now of when they’re heading in the abusive direction. Halt things before it even gets that far and keep at a safe distance. Stop expecting this person to be struck by a lightning bolt of conscience and logical reasoning. Stop trying to get them to see your point of view. Stop trying to please this person. Stop accommodating their assholery. Stop giving them airtime. Each and every time they cross the line, create a perceptible consequence – get off the phone, ask them to leave, halt the discussion and make it clear either verbally or through action that you will not be engaging when they pull this stuff with you. Don’t keep threatening legal action or mediation – if you say it, follow through. This person is using you as a target to unload their rage, weakness and even self-loathing. They need to stop.