by Natalie Lue
You may have already fallen off the wagon, become petrified of the next call/email/text/Facebook status and how you might react, or you’ve become paralysed by the reality of telling this person to take a run and jump, and have gone in search of some information to bolster your decision. And let’s be real: you’re not dealing with a run of the mill breakup possibly because you weren’t dealing with a run of the mill relationship either. I don’t mean that you weren’t dealing with a ‘boring’ relationship; I mean that if you were in a relationship that had mutual love, care, trust and respect in it even if in the end it ultimately didn’t work out, it’s unlikely that you’d be applying NC unless one of you had dramatically changed post-breakup.
You’re not alone.
Many people including myself, have been in the incredibly difficult position of having feelings for someone and wanting a different outcome so badly but try to essentially ‘solve’ the problems with the same thinking and behaviours that got us into the relationship in the first place. That’s clearly not going to work.
What you must understand at the outset of this process is that your relationship or ‘involvement’ is a series of events and interactions that, combined together, have formed the pattern of your relationship. You are operating off your own series and sequences of habits and they are too. Each of your respective habits within this dynamic has taught you both what to expect from each other.
As I've explained to many a person struggling to extricate themselves out of their barely-there relationship, especially the ones wondering why they haven’t got in touch, or whether they should make the first move, the pattern of your relationship and the dynamic that has existed between you helps this person to form assumptions about what you will or won't do. This is critical for you to understand.
Whatever you have or haven’t done previously, they’ll make assumptions based on this, and they won’t adjust their mindset until they’ve received significant information via the cues from NC that indicate that the old rules no longer apply.
This means that even when they're not around, they take enough comfort in the pattern that they feel confident enough to believe that you will, in time, behave in the way that they’ve come to expect. For some of you, this will mean that they may feel so assured of your adoration, they’ll believe that they can get on with their own lives for a long period of time, and then suddenly pop back into your life to disrupt it. They believe that you’re so crazy about them that they can feed off this adoration and your distress in your absence.
This is why whatever is the previous longest period of time you've been apart or not communicated, you need to exceed this and then some. This means that if you’ve been cut off from each other for a few weeks here and 3-6 months here and there, you need to cut contact for at least 7-12 months to obliterate the pattern. There is no way around this - trust me, many have tried and failed to do otherwise.
Why does this happen? Because even if you think that you’ve made lots of progress in a few weeks or months but you’ve never been broken up for longer than a year, the moment you give them the time of day, it does not matter what you say or do, responding is the only ‘feedback’ that they pay attention to. If you’ve been dealing with someone who blows hot and cold on you, it's only when they realise that you’re not doing what they expect, that they get a signal to their brain full of tumbleweed telling them that they need to shift gears and ‘strike’. That ‘message’ indicates that they are not as in control as they think and that you may not be an option anymore which may prompt them to seek confirmation. It's at this point that should they choose to make contact, you have a window of opportunity to show that you mean business and reinforce your boundaries by remaining silent and/or disinterested, by not telling them all about themselves, by resisting the urge to explain that you’re ignoring them (no shit Sherlock!), and by not showing up ready for a relationship that they’re still not offering.
If you eagerly bathe in the spurt of attention and promises from them, you demonstrate (again) that you're crying wolf – they will perceive your attempts at NC as a ‘game’ no matter what your original intentions and convictions were and they will feel confident and in control again and they’ll either fade out or disappear.
In order for your life to change in a positive manner and to ultimately break free of what may have come to be a very unhealthy dynamic, you need to address your habits. The path that people tend to take is trying to address their behaviour and thinking in order to make themselves more compatible and ‘comfortable’ with shady behaviour or to ‘tweak’ the habits in an effort to provoke the desired response from the other party (game playing) and this doesn’t work. It just feeds unhealthy habits and ultimately digs you deeper into the unhealthy relationship hole plus you become very distanced from your core self – your values, needs, expectations, wishes and ultimately your identity.
When your ex (or soon to be ex) stops taking you seriously and figures out the ‘pattern’ which is similar to knowing how to jig your lock or break the door code so that they can get back into your life, you will find that NC is the only way of communicating that you are not that person anymore, that you’re serious, and that the relationship is over. If you’ve been chasing this person around like a blue-arsed fly and they’ve actually enjoyed the ego stroke to a degree even if things didn’t go anywhere, you need to send an entirely different message. Not because you want them to throw themselves at you and beg you to be with them, but because they will have gotten the impression that you’re ‘there’ to be at best taken advantage of and at worst abused plus you cannot continue to present yourself as somebody who is OK with not having the basics of love, care, trust and respect.
No Contact is about changing, replacing and even moderating your responses to reduce or neutralise the effect of the cues and triggers, which in turn changes your habits, which in turn changes the dynamic that has existed between you, which in turn changes the pattern. What you do during NC sets clear boundaries for each of you that if you respect these, it not only communicates that you’re not going to engage but it also communicates that you’re a worthwhile, valuable person who is following through on their personal commitment to being responsible for their happiness.
How An Unhealthy Pattern Is Established
Where there is an unhealthy dynamic, the person knows that when they do X, that you tend to do Y.
X in your relationship is interpreted as either a cue (a signal that you respond to in a particular way) or a trigger (an event or thing that causes something to happen while also prompting you to respond).
The action, thought, and emotional responses that you have to those cues and triggers are Y.
X, for instance, could be this person starting to blow lukewarm or even cold and then Y might be you upping the amount of effort you make in an attempt to prompt them into blowing hotter.
Unfortunately, they pick up the cue that when they behave in this manner, you try harder (or do certain things). So they figure out how to get more out of you without having to step up. Or they figure out what they need to do in order to elicit the most personally beneficial response, likely one that doesn’t tax them in the areas where they don’t want to ‘spend’. For example, emotions, effort, time, accountability, responsibility, commitment, money, respect etc.
If you’re doing something where on some level they recognise that they’re not really matching your efforts or even that they ‘obtained’ the benefit without the integrity to be genuinely committed to whatever it was that they implied or promised in order to get it, it communicates that not only do they not have to try but also that you’re malleable and eager to please.
They deduce that X + Y equals Z and until you stop having the same responses to the cues and triggers in the relationship, this person will continue to believe that it’s business as usual. In the meantime you will keep falling into the same traps and wondering why they do what they do.
In the meantime, you’ve also worked out that when you res
pond in certain ways that it generates a short-term response that feels like a ‘benefit’ and this is why you end up crying ‘wolf’. The person who keeps threatening to end it does so because it’s generated enough of a response to generate a short-term fix but they’re also still hoping that ‘this time’ this person will behave differently… even though they themselves aren’t, otherwise they’d make good on what they were saying. Not looking beyond the short-term gratification or even your ego can cause you to attempt to solve or soothe issues with the wrong unhealthy ‘fixes’ while leaving you exposed to the medium to long-term effects.
NC means that even though the cues and triggers may remain the same, their effect on you is neutralised because you have changed your habits and the thinking attached to them. A lot of the time when I hear from people who are contemplating NC, it’s because they’ve fallen for the same con numerous times and so each time the object of their affections calls, or says that they’ve changed, or that they’re going to change, or that they’re lonely, or that they need them and yada yada yada, they respond and repeatedly end up disappointed and hurt.
If you don’t want to continue feeling disappointed, hurt and available for an unavailable, unhealthy relationship, go NC and stick to NC until you’re so far into your new habits that it no longer matters what the other party wants or is doing. You’ll be enjoying a healthier you so it’s not attractive to slide back to habits that you know don’t work for you.
We teach people what to expect from us and they get an idea of how they think that they can treat us, and if there’s little or no real consequences, their behaviour is established as the norm. This is why NC is about inserting boundaries into this dynamic. Because if you’ve been slacking off on the boundaries and even suppressing your own needs, wishes and expectations in the name of ‘love’, this person will expect that you will do certain things even when then the relationship is over. They’ll assume that you’re still an option and that you’re so mad about them that they can pop up whenever they feel like it. Don’t allow this to be true.
An Example of How NC Can Break a Cycle
Here is an example of where a person can get the idea that in or out of the relationship, you are under their thumb and likely to ‘respond’ in the manner to which they’ve come to expect, which means that they can extract whatever benefit they’ve come to enjoy, even if it’s as simple as getting an ego stroke from the comfort of knowing that you’re still ‘there’.
PHASE 1: They Fast Forward you in the early stages of the relationship PLUS you respond positively even though the intensity in itself along with the fact that you’re strangers should be an ‘amber alert’ to slow the pace EQUALS you both having an intense liaison and they get the impression that you’re vulnerable in certain areas and willing to offload your own life and boundaries to buy into fantasy with them.
PHASE 2: They start to ease off and even unfold their true selves which may not be anything like the original ‘advertisement’ PLUS you feel unseated, blame yourself for why they’ve ‘changed’ and chase them harder EQUALS the balance tips, you’ve confirmed your vulnerability and in spite of behaving in a less than honourable manner, they’re getting more from you instead of you stepping back.
PHASE 3: They end things but then attempt to tap you up for a shag, an ego stroke, shoulder to lean on or whatever PLUS you don’t tell them to take a run and jump and are willing, albeit not happy about it, to take the crumbs EQUALS they know that not only are you willing to accept less than you deserve but they’re also being pumped up by your lack of boundaries and are getting the impression that they’re that special.
PHASE 4: They reduce the contact to a trickle and are no longer able to be reached by phone, are slow to respond to texts or they just get in touch when they feel like it PLUS you are trying to reach them, are trying to convince them to treat you better and are even waiting around while they try out others EQUALS they learn that you have no limits and that you value their crumbs which suggests that you don’t value yourself. They give themselves permission to continue their behaviour in a “Well if they don’t value themselves why should I?” attitude as if that’s a legitimate reason for their actions when in fact it’s their own character and habit regardless of whether you’re there.
PHASE 5: Several months or even years go by and they send a text or a message on Facebook PLUS you pick up pretty much where you left off with very little barriers to entry EQUALS confirmation that you haven’t changed and that you’re still their backup plan and this in itself may be enough of an ego stroke for them to disappear again.
There is something to be learned from this example – when you’re in an unhealthy dynamic with somebody, no matter what they do, you keep attaching the same or similar meanings to their actions and responding in a similar manner. If you changed your responses while also addressing the meaning that you attach to their responses, you would see their lacklustre, neglectful, shady behaviour for what it is. You would also see that regardless of what you perceived this person to be doing in PHASE 1, they unfolded into somebody whose actions render them a no-go for a relationship. What happened in PHASE 2 and beyond sheds light on what they were really doing in PHASE 1 – using speed and intensity to disarm. When you keep responding to this situation and behaviour by making it about your worth, the lack of active response to their shady behaviour is giving them airtime and space in your life when you should be recognising what they’re doing and telling them to bounce.
Now let’s imagine that when you experience their behaviour in PHASE 2, you begin NC.
They attempt to reach out to you PLUS they’re met with radio silence or just a lack of action from you EQUALS they receive a cue that something is ‘off’ and that you haven’t responded as they expected.
It’s at this point where due to you not responding the way they have come to expect, a sense of feeling out of control is triggered that they likely equate with desire or at the very least curiosity to see if the message they’re picking up is true. This is taken as their cue to Up The Ante with the Future Faking and Fast Forwarding including promising to change or claiming that they have, or fixing you with their puppy dog eyes and maintaining how full of regret they are.
They attempt to reach out to you again but with seriously increased effort PLUS you still don’t respond or say, “I’ve moved on and I suggest that you move on too” because you’ve made up your mind that they had their shot and used it to bust boundaries and you’re not seeking the fairy tale EQUALS they receive a cue that you’re not playing ball and may even convince themselves that you’re the one that got away.
They keep trying to reach out to you PLUS you continue not responding EQUALS message loud and clear that their behaviour isn’t acceptable and that they may have gotten away with doing certain things but it won’t be happening again. In the meantime, you’re getting on with your own life and feeling the benefit of not opting back into unhealthiness because you’re not hanging your existence on trying to get someone else to change.
But let’s imagine that after they were met with radio silence that they upped the ante and due to you being hopeful that they’d changed, you responded and essentially fell off the wagon.
They attempt to reach out to you again but with seriously increased effort PLUS you respond positively by accepting their contact and taking them at their word that they’ve changed EQUALS they receive a cue that you’re still interested in what was originally on offer (but isn’t actually available) plus they also receive the cue that as long as they blow hot, you will respond, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon.
Once they’re secure in your affections or that they’re ‘back in control’, they gradually or very quickly revert to their previous position. I’ve heard from thousands of people who been through this, only for the person to literally vanish or do an “I’ve made a big mistake” within days or hours. That’s not something that you need to be laying yourself open to and ultimately your happiness and
future shouldn’t be resting on the premise and possibility of another person making changes.
You’re not going to teach someone to expect different things from you while you’re still in the relationship with them or when you’re trying to get them to change or understand you after the relationship – they’ll just think that you’re venting and that if given a certain amount of time, you’ll forget about it or resign yourself to the inevitable. They’ll tell you what you want to hear, make a few motions and then passive aggressively or even aggressively edge their way back to their own agenda.
With NC, you can be assured that this isn’t going to happen and that ultimately, regardless of whether they’re passive aggressive and/or aggressive, you’re going to assert yourself in your own life and not be a passenger to their needs, wants and expectations while compromising your own. You matter and NC will allow you to realise this and rebuild your life with healthier habits.
CAREFUL OF THE BAIT & SWITCH
Picture this: You break up and you do your best to move on but your ex keeps calling and texting and maybe even showing up on your doorstep or at work or pestering friends and family about how they just need you to give them a chance. Sometimes you respond, sometimes you don’t. Interestingly, sometimes you’re met with silence after they’ve badgered the hell out of you, leaving you wondering if something is wrong or even following it up with increased contact to get clarification.
You might believe that they’re pursuing you but actually, they may believe that it’s you pursuing them.
This means that you can be minding your own business and then end up responding to him/her out of sheer frustration, sympathy, guilt or your struggles with missing them. Because this in their mind confirms that you’re still interested (because you’re willing to engage), they feel back in control and so they gradually or even immediately become less available while you end up looking like you’re the one who is doing all of the pursuing.