© 2018 C.L. Matthews
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This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, and incidents are products of the author’s imagination and are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or locales is purely coincidental.
Cover Design: Cassie Chapman
Edited by Nicole Zoltack
Book design by Inkstain Design Studio
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Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Epilogue 1
Epilogue 2
Acknowledgements
One breath in. One breath out.
My body and mind are on a mission, one set on getting the hell away from Esperanza. I fucked up, and if I don’t leave, he’ll come for me.
They’ll come for me.
I’ve been stripped of my brotherhood. They sliced my skin open, taking my tattoo with a bunch of my flesh too. It’ll always be scarred, a message, proof of what I’ve done.
I’ll never be able to come back here.
I’ll never be safe to visit my sisters.
After they cut me loose—albeit, I didn’t think he would let them—I ran to the bunker they don’t know exist, the one I’d been staying at before everything went down. I’d betrayed his trust… being with the twins again—after promising him I wouldn’t.
Now, looking at the nearly barren room, I wish I could say goodbye, but they’ll look for me there. They’ll take me in. They’ll kill me.
No goodbye to Zaely.
No goodbye to Silv.
No goodbye to my sisters who will feel abandoned.
You don’t abandon those you love. You only give into defeat.
Packing my stuff from the bunker, I get to my money stash, my weapons, and my documents. I have several IDs. When you’re a drug and gun runner, you have to change identities often to avoid being caught. Not that I’ll need them any longer.
Fresh start. A new life. Far the hell away from here.
My fingers trace the lettering on my birth certificate. They’re gone. My papa died a long time ago, and now, I’m leaving my sisters to fend for themselves. My mama hasn’t worked a day in her life. Los Desolados has always taken care of her. Now, they won’t. They won’t pay for the house, the bills, and my sisters’ schooling.
I’ll fix it somehow.
I’ll make it work.
I always sent them money monthly whether I was on a run for Danté or in the same house, so they could focus on school. I could make the money needed.
Now, that’s all gone.
I’ll never be able to get back to where I was. I’m lucky to still be breathing.
One breath in. One very long one out. My stomach feels like it’s concaving.
These walls are empty. This place is a shell of a home. No love exists in these rooms, no hope or salvation either. It’s almost as if a ghost lived here. These four walls housed the dead and not the living.
There are no pictures adorning the walls, no paintings to put the entire space together. It’s white all around, not a spice of color or abstract thing about it. Just a bed on the floor, a closet full of contraband, and a dresser filled with sparse clothing.
I’ll disappear, and no one will know what happened to me.
To the world, I’ll be dead.
My burner in my pocket chimes, and when I flip it open, I see Xo’s name. Call me, it says.
We haven’t spoken since I took her to Cape Hill all those years ago. Danté never found out it was me until five days ago. He believed she escaped because of her parents. He had been so very wrong.
I’m not sure how it got out, but now, he knows, and now, he wants me dead. I’ve spent the last thirteen years avoiding getting Xo caught. He’s been there many times, and I have too, but he thinks she got there on her own.
He only spared me out of a lifelong loyalty to Los Desolados. That was the only time I ever truly betrayed him, by helping her escape the life. Their life.
Hunching my duffel over my shoulder, I head to the taxi waiting for me.
“¿Adónde?” he asks, turning his head to me. Where to?
“Al aeropuerto,” I respond with a nod. The airport.
When the car heads out, I pull out my cell again, dialing Xiomara’s number in the next moment. After several rings she answers. “Are you alone?” she rushes, her voice full of fear.
“In a taxi. I doubt he speaks English,” I reply despondently.
“It’ll have to do. I need you here.”
I shift my weight in attempt to peek at the driver. He appears oblivious, listening to loud music. My eyes stay on his mirror, watching his face.
“Where?” I don’t say Cape Hill just in case he’s listening. Just in case he’s one of Danté’s or, worse, one of theirs.
“Cape Hill, Silas. I was safe…” She pauses, her voice shaken.
I grip the phone harder. She hasn’t been this terrified since the day he found her the first time.
“But Absinthe has gone missing. They came here, Sy. The Vipers came here, and they asked me questions about Danté. I don’t know how they found out. I’m fucking terrified.”
Her muffled tears have my stomach lurching. They were protecting her, but now… if Danté really did take Absinthe, they’re as good as dead.
They have been their own personal guardians for years. Danté must’ve taken their Prez. Absinthe and I have never met, but Xo adores him and the Vipers. She talks about them as her family. She seems prone to being involved with bad men, though. They’re no better than Los Desolados. If anything, they’re worse.
The driver’s eyes haven’t deviated towards me once. He must not be one of them.
“I-I need your help one last time, Sy. If they know who Danté is to me… if they know Leia is his daughter… we’re both dead.”
“I’ll book a flight. I’ll be there.”
“Please, hurry.”
He gets me to the airport within an hour, and I’m booking my flight soon after. Since the next flight isn’t for hours, I sit around and watch for Danté or the crew to show up somehow, to know I’m leaving to save his girl once more.
Leia. I’ve never seen or met the girl
. She’s what, thirteen now? Man. Danté won’t approve of me seeing them. He hasn’t seen Leia in a while, not since his last stint in prison. His expansion to Cape Hill was bound to set off the Vipers. He should’ve seen it coming.
We all should have.
Now, it’s too late.
They’ll come for us all.
Do you know how fucking hard it is loving your best friend? To see them crush on guys, fall in love with their stepfather, and then, above it all, thinks you’re gay?
Then, after all that’s said and done, knowing there’s a possibility of a relationship, but it won’t happen since a sick bastard is in the way of your happiness?
Sounds specific? Well, it is. It’s my life, and I’m bitter about it.
Leia is slowly killing me.
Loving my best friend is not easy. It’s not pretty. It’s fucking messy and destructive, devastating and empty, but I’m sticking with her. I’ll never let her go. Even if she chooses him, I’ll fight for her. No matter how dirty I have to get, I’ll do it. There’s no man—not even Silas that will stop me. for her love.
Sy doesn’t know what I’m capable of, what I’m willing to do to get the girl.
She just needs to see I’m better for her. Not him.
He’s a despicable human who’s not worthy of her love.
Since we were young kids, I watched her fall in love with a man way too old for her. No matter what I did to stop it, it happened anyway. I’ve watched him lust after a teenager when he should’ve been with Xo. It’s disgusting. Seeing a full-grown man with the girl I’m in love with is hard to stomach. I’ve done everything in my power to stop the trainwreck that is Silas and Leia.
Over the years, I’ve witnessed her go after random douche boys to distract her from her obvious obsession with said man. I’ve mourned the ending of us being a possibility with each passing year, yet I’m still here.
She always tells me everything. She confides in me. I think it’s either her theory on my sexuality, or she wholeheartedly trusts me. Either way, I know too much. It creates vivid thoughts of them fucking and it guts me every time she opens her mouth about what they’ve done.
I know Leia inside and out. Proving to her that I’m the right guy will be the hardest feat. It’ll also be the most important thing I do in this lifetime.
I’ve known Leia for as long as it matters. That’s why I’ll be the man she needs.
We were only six years old when we met.
I swing back and forth on the monkey bars, trying to reach the next metal bar in front of me. A flicker of something shiny pulls my attention. It’s the little plastic ball attached to her ponytail, but once I see her, it’s her eyes that catches my attention.
She’s not like most people here. She’s carefree and vibrant. She reminds me of bright colors, the stars, and happiness wrapped in one. And her eyes, they’re barely blue, but so pretty and shiny like the sky.
I’m staring at this girl when my fingers slip from the bar. Soon after, I’m falling. When my face smacks on the rubber wood chips, I suck in a strangled breath, trying my hardest not to cry.
Darryl says big boys don’t cry.
Darryl says lots of things I don’t like.
I don’t like Darryl.
The girl is new to Cape Hill Elementary. Until recently, I’ve never seen her. She wasn’t in my kindergarten class last year, but now she’s in my first-grade class. We’ve never said a word to each other, but I’ve noticed her.
She sits alone with her bright yellow overalls, pink shirt, and braided pigtails. She’s like sunshine and light, like flowers after the first rainstorm, new with life. New girl doesn’t talk to anyone, but I watch her. Especially when she plays with playdough, she seems so happy. My favorite moments are when she draws and leaves a cookie behind for me. It’s like knows I’m too scared to say hi to her.
And her cookies are the best. They have chocolate chips.
She’s so sweet. I want her to like me. The other kids say I’m weird, and she might think the same. I like going on adventures, climbing to the top of the monkey bars, and looking across the playground. No one likes to play with me.
Maybe one day, she will.
A few days later, I’m at recess playing on the swings and the jungle gym while most kids don’t want to be outside since it stormed. There’s mud, rain water, and slippery grass, but it’s my favorite time to be outside. I like splashing in puddles in my boots and going down the slide to splash water all over. When someone’s at the end of the slide, and they get soaked, that’s the best.
From the swing set, I see some kid from our class yelling at her. He’s not being nice. He’s not a nice person. I can’t remember his name, but he’s always mean and bullies all the kids.
Before I know it, I’m heading over to them. When I get closer, he’s saying nasty things and calling her ugly, yelling that she doesn’t look like us, and her skin is different. But I don’t understand why he’s being rude. She’s just like everyone else. She’s beautiful. Like a pretty princess.
After he pushes her around, I hear her hit the ground with a thud, and I rush to her side. Grabbing her gently, I put her behind me. Her small little frame hugs my body. I suck in a sharp breath and then exhale, preparing to battle with the kid.
I’ve never been brave like a superhero, but for her, I want to be.
Spinning around to him, I return the favor he so nicely gave her. Pushing him in the mud, I smile triumphantly. After that, I turn and face the girl again. Gripping her tiny face, I move it around, checking for anything that could hurt. I kiss her forehead like my ma does when I get hurt and then pull back.
“The ugly duckling became pretty one day too,” I tell her, blushing.
Her face grows red, but she also smiles like I’m the coolest boy in the world. I didn’t mean to say it, I just wanted to make her feel better.
“I’m Leia.” She introduces herself in the quietest voice.
“I’m Brax.”
We’ve been best friends ever since. After that day, I knew I’d make her fall in love with me and marry her someday. I’m not sure why I’d immediately been infatuated with her, but we barely spent a day apart after that. From birthdays to binge-watching Netflix, we're always around each other.
The only problem is that Leia thinks I’m bisexual. At first, she believed I was gay. It’s not like I date girls or anyone for that matter. I’m too into her and don’t want anyone else. But then, I slipped out about Marie Avgeropoulos being hot as fuck. Well, after that, she believed I was bisexual.
I sort of lied, or, at least, I didn’t correct her.
It seemed to keep our friendship intact. Ever since that night I caught Darryl in my room with Leia… she doesn’t like being around guys. Me being bisexual, seemed to make her more comfortable throughout the years. I’ve been a coward, and it’s entirely my fault that we never got together. Our friendship comes first though, and that’s something I’ll never willingly give up. Even if it means not getting the girl.
But the time for that’s over.
I’ve never been into dudes. Though, I’ll admit I’ve looked at Brady Rush’s ass a time or two after football practice. Nobody can deny a nice ass. Not even a male like me.
Girls, yeah, I see them, but I don’t really see them. Since meeting Leia, no one holds a candle, and I’m not searching for anyone but her to be with. Why would anyone look for something more when they’re already given perfection?
Another tidbit she doesn’t know is that I’m single because I love her.
I lie because I love her.
And lastly, I haven’t lost my virginity because I’ve always saved it for her.
Stupid, right?
Too bad she doesn’t have the same qualms as me. Not that she knew I really existed in any other way than a friend until a few weeks ago.
The note. The kiss. The thereafter.
But I’ll wait for her. I’ll wait until she’s ready. Because I fucking love Leia Soltero, and o
ne day, she’ll love me too.
Right?
It’s hard loving this girl, especially after kissing her the first time, touching her the first time, and tasting her the first time. I’m not her first, but you can be damn sure that I’ll be her very last.
No one, not even Silas Esparza, will stop me.
I want all of her lasts. Last touches, last kisses, last love. To be the last man she’ll ever have. If I have to fight as dirty as Silas, so fucking be it.
When she read my note, I thought my life was over or, at the very least, our lifelong friendship. My biggest worry was that she would cut and run. It’s not every day that your best friend admits to loving you.
I was wrong. So fucking wrong.
She showed me in those beautiful soft eyes that it’s possible for us to be together. I thought I’d be waiting a lifetime to know what she tastes like, what she feels like under my fingertips, and what it’d be like to hear her moan my name. When she didn’t hold back, I knew I’d never let her go.
And after our very short time together, Silas better bet his ass I’ll be fighting for my girl. And she is my girl. Mine to love, mine to kiss, mine to marry.
When Sy pulled me off Leia, I panicked. No matter what they’ve done together or what he’s seen of her, I had to cover her up. There’s no limit on respect, especially when it comes to a woman. I know if he wouldn’t have stopped us, I’d have gone all the way. I’d have made love to her and shown her in every way that she’s everything to me.
I finally felt like she would be mine for real this time.
But she wasn’t ready for it.
Then, he stormed in and sent me away. It wasn’t hard to realize she wasn’t going to fight for me. I was barely out of the fucking door when I watched her kiss him. She fucking kissed him after we’d just been intimate. I left and didn’t regret it at first. Now, not so much. When she gets her life together and decides not to be both his and mine, then we’ll talk.
I’m not sure what they did after or were doing right this very moment, but the thoughts alone were killing me. Call me a pussy, call me a wimp, but fuck, I’m sick of being a second choice.
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