by I J Shur
On the way to his parents’ house, his thoughts were interrupted by the beep of an incoming message from Rona. On his screen he read, You can ask me to end our relationship, but you cannot ask me to forget you.
What have I done? I have her delivered to me on a silver platter, like something out of the movies. I have a long way to go with Varda, with the kids. I need to see the whole process through, and I need to be present for it. I can’t take shortcuts, try to skip over parts of the process, and tell myself that it’s okay, that Rona will be waiting for me at the end of the trail of tribulations.
He remembered a phrase that he used often: Life is full of surprises. Good thing that I let go. I wouldn’t have been capable of dancing on three separate complicated fronts all at once.
Chapter 76
The door was open when Udi arrived at his parents’ house. His mother and Simha sat at the dining room table holding hands, and his mother got up to greet him and give him a hug. Her eyes were red. “I don’t want him to go,” she said. “I haven’t told him everything yet. I haven’t said goodbye.”
For the entire drive, Udi had tried to control his emotions. He didn’t want to cry, but when his mother burst into tears, he was carried along with her. They stood together, hugging and bawling.
Udi extended his other hand to Simha, and she held it. His mother led him to his father’s room, where the old man was deep in sleep. His mouth hung open and he barely moved. Thin and pale, he was almost transparent. Udi scanned his body and didn’t see a single sign of life. When he approached his father and kissed him on the forehead, Udi was filled with a great love, and he wanted to lift his father up and gather him into his heart. My father, this charming and charismatic man, is here before me, flitting between this world and the next, thinking and not thinking, alive and not alive.
Udi sat next to him and held his hand tightly.
“Father,” he whispered into his ear. “I came to see how you are and how you’re feeling.” Udi could have sworn that he saw an eyelid tremble, that he felt some kind of energy flow through the hand he was holding, but he couldn’t say for sure that anything had happened. He stayed there for another long moment, kissed his father again on the forehead, and returned to the living room where Ethan and Orit were drinking coffee.
“How’s your father?” asked Orit, the antagonism oozing out of her voice.
“The fate of my father is the fate of yours,” said Udi. “He actually asked about you, and I told him that in a few minutes, you’d walk in and see him yourself.”
“You’re kidding,” said Orit. “After all, he’s unconscious.”
“Go see for yourself,” said Udi.
Orit went to her father’s room. Less than a minute had passed when she returned to the living room.
“He asked about you,” she said to Ethan. “He asked that you go and sit with him and never leave.”
Ethan, the youngest, went to the room. A few minutes passed before he came back, his eyes red.
“What conversation did you have with our father?” asked Udi, half smiling.
“You are heartless people,” said Ethan. “That, or you don’t have another way to deal with this other than to make jokes.”
Udi said that he had to go. “Talk to me and come visit,” said their mother. “He isn’t in good shape, and there isn’t much time left.”
Udi hugged her. “I promise!”
Chapter 77
For the next week, Udi moved about as if in a fog. He felt that he was traveling along some crazy highway in an unending loop. He could not find any respite between the frequent trips to his father and the difficult situation at home. He’d taken his children to visit their grandfather, and the knowledge that they might never see him again weighed heavily on his heart. Rona also continued to occupy his thoughts, so he called Assaf and apprised him of the situation. “Things at home are very tough. On the one hand, she says that she’s unhappy and is thinking of leaving me, and on the other hand, we’re just continuing with the status quo. It’s driving me crazy! I can’t go on like this! The decision to separate is hard enough, but I need a decision one way or the other. It’s too hard with everything.”
“Invite her to a session,” Assaf suggested.
Chapter 78
Udi arrived at the next session with his wife.
“I thank you for responding to this invitation from us by coming,” Assaf said.
“I was curious,” Varda responded. “Udi talks about you a lot and about the strength that he draws from your meetings.”
They spoke about the structure of their relationship and about their daily lives together. Varda was the one who spoke; she was the one who imparted the information to Assaf.
“So what was the motivation for wanting to separate?” asked Assaf.
Varda repeated the explanation that Udi had related to him almost word for word, and it was clear that she wasn’t interested in volunteering any more information than what she had already given.
“I suggest that the two of you do couple’s therapy,” said Assaf. “But not with me—there are people who specialize in that.”
“I’ll think about it,” said Varda, and Udi shrank in his seat.
“I appreciate your honesty and your willingness,” said Assaf as he ended the session.
Chapter 79
That night, Udi tried to hug Varda in bed as she lay with her back to him.
“It’s not appropriate!” she said as she pushed him away. They both lay awake without speaking. “If it’s too hard for you, I can always go and sleep with Michal,” she said.
“Let’s decide between us what we’re doing before we get the children involved. It’s okay. You can stay here.”
Varda pulled the blanket up to her nose, making sure to keep a measured distance between herself and Udi.
“What did you decide about doing couple’s therapy?” he asked.
“I don’t have any interest or any energy to go into therapy, and certainly not couple’s therapy. But give me a few weeks to make up my mind,” she said.
Chapter 80
Udi woke up early and thought about asking Varda to come with him to visit his father, but he was afraid she’d refuse.
“What are you thinking about?” She surprised him with her question.
“I’m going to visit my father,” he said. “Do you want to join me?”
Varda hesitated for a moment, and then said, “I think I’ll pass.”
If we were in a normal relationship, I’d give her a piece of my mind. My father’s days are numbered, but here she is playing her little games.
Chapter 81
Udi’s mother opened the front door and put her finger to her lips to hush him. “He regained consciousness during the night,” she said. “His words aren’t making sense, but he’s here. You’ll see in a moment.”
Udi couldn’t restrain himself and went quickly to the room. His father was curled up in bed and crying, his body shaking. “I’m here father!” said Udi. “What’s wrong?”
His father looked at him in surprise and couldn’t control his tears. “I want Simha. I don’t know where she is. She left me.”
Udi sat next to his father and placed his hand on his shoulder. “It’s all right. It’s still early in the morning. She’ll be here soon.” Udi rubbed his arm until he fell asleep.
Simha arrived an hour later. “I’ll make him something to eat,” she said. “He’ll probably wake up soon.”
A while later, Simha entered the room holding a glass of orange juice in one hand and a plate of scrambled eggs and cottage cheese in the other. Udi’s father’s lips moved slowly between the fork and the straw that stuck out of the glass.
“The president called me and asked me to join him on a top-secret trip. He needs my help with all of the difficult decisions that he has to make.” The old man shook his
head.
“Great!” Udi smiled.
He so wanted his father to be with him, to be lucid, but he realized that instead he was flying through the space of the waning moments of his life.
“How are you?”
Udi was quick to reply that everything was fine.
“How is Varda? I haven’t seen her for a long time. Do you know that I have a special place in my heart for her?”
Udi was amazed by the continuous speech coming from his father’s mouth. He choked up and barely managed to control his words. “She’s fine. I’ll tell her that you asked about her.”
“Why doesn’t she come to visit?”
Udi felt the tears burning his throat. “How are you?” He tried to change the subject. He knew that he shouldn’t bring up the situation with Varda and their impending breakup. It was doubtful that they would see each other again, so why add sadness to his father’s troubled, shrinking mind?
He watched his father’s emaciated fingers search for bits of food on the plate that was set before him. Occasionally he’d pick up a piece of egg and bring it to his mouth. More than once, the food dropped before it arrived at its desired destination. The mouth that was open and ready to receive it would stay open for an additional moment, then slowly close, awaiting the next piece. Udi picked up bits of food from the floor, and Simha cleared away the dish and the glass. When she brought in a cup of coffee for Udi, his father’s eyes popped wide open as if he had just seen the tail of a comet flash past his nose. Udi told him that he needed to go and wanted to say goodbye.
“When will you come next?” his father asked.
“In a few days, Dad.” Udi wondered if that was what would in fact happen.
“Don’t give up on coming to see him,” Udi’s mother said as she entered the room. “From the moment he opened his eyes, he was asking about you.”
Udi kissed his father on the forehead and looked into his eyes. His father curled his lips and blew him a kiss in the air.
“Come and visit,” he called when Udi turned to leave the room.
Chapter 82
“It’s a new month,” Udi said to Varda. “We need to reach a decision.”
Varda sat across from him at the dining room table creating origami from a paper napkin. She slowly opened it, then folded it again, following the impressions that were left from the first fold.
“I don’t know what’s going on in your head,” he said. “I know what your stand is on psychologists, and I know that couple’s therapy is out of the question.”
Udi swayed between the hope that Varda would respond to his outstretched arms and his knowledge that she could be really stubborn. For another moment he sat there, fantasizing that she’d get up, come to him, place her hands on his shoulders, and say, “Let’s forget everything. I don’t know what I was thinking. How could I give up on us?”
He raised his glance and looked at her. In another moment, she’ll begin to talk and this whole nightmare will be over.
“I want to end this,” she said without raising her gaze. Udi knew Varda. He knew that she meant every word she said. He knew that she had thought about this and had chosen the best possible timing for saying it. He also knew that he’d have to find compassion somewhere else. He wanted to go to bed, but he was afraid to leave his seat. Perhaps she’ll understand what she’s doing to me and change her mind. He was afraid to see her get up and walk away, leaving him alone with his thoughts…alone.
“This isn’t easy for me.” Perhaps she’ll see how much I’m suffering. Perhaps she’ll reach out to me…any moment now.
“Me either.” The last brick slipped into the ice wall between them.
Udi felt the blood drain from his face. He struggled to stand, but his knees seemed to be made of jelly. This is really the end! She’s not moving! She really means it. Where the ice queen had touched him, he felt his flesh freeze.
Unable to look directly into her eyes, Udi managed to mumble, “I’ll find a place to live, and I’ll move my stuff out of the house within a few weeks.”
Varda didn’t reply; she stared at the ceiling. When she brought her eyes back down, she looked at him and said, “Next Saturday, we’ll sit down with the children and tell them. Don’t make any plans. They’re going to need us. I’m sorry, Udi, but I think that this is the best thing for both of us. The day may very well come when you will thank me for this move.”
He looked at her. “Maybe one day, but not right now.”
Udi went to the bedroom, took one of the sleeping pills that he had made sure to have available ever since he began worrying about the future, and sank his head into his pillow. Thoughts ricocheted in his head at such speed that he was afraid his head would explode. He lay there for an entire hour, and he still couldn’t fall asleep. He took another sleeping pill, shifted positions, and gradually gave in to sleep.
When he woke up and looked at his alarm, it was three o’clock. Varda was not in bed. He stared blindly as the gray smoke of the disaster drifted away from the burned trees, the dead grass, the scorched earth, and the gray ash behind him. Unsuccessfully, he tried to shift his train of thought.
“I want to end this.” Varda’s words reverberated in his head. He shook like an animal that had just been attacked by a swarm of bees. He sat up in bed, turned on the light, and looked at his body. How amazing it is that the body can stay intact even when the soul is shattered into little pieces!
The first rays of sunlight came through the cracks in the window shades. He looked around. “Start getting used to it,” he whispered. “This bed isn’t yours anymore. You’re not welcome in it, and you’ll have to say goodbye to this bedroom.”
When he was finally dressed, he found Varda asleep on the sofa in the living room. Guilt, like a tidal wave, washed over him and swept him out to sea. Creeping silently into the kitchen, he found the coffee and the mugs. After looking into the mug, he discovered he was unable to bring it to his mouth, so he placed it quietly into the sink and left.
At the gas station, he went into the coffee shop and ordered a large, strong cappuccino. Is it possible that any of the people sitting around in here can recognize the storm that’s simmering inside me? For me, this is a very difficult morning, but for them, it’s just another normal day.
Next, Udi dragged himself to a meeting that was scheduled in his daily planner.
“How are you?” asked one of his colleagues. “You look tired.”
“I’m okay,” replied Udi. “I went to bed late.”
“Do you want to begin, or should we postpone the meeting?” the architect asked.
“Let’s start,” said Udi.
Words and sentences came and went like birds in a field, without ever settling in his head. While he was in this dazed state, his phone rang and he saw that it was Simha. He apologized and took the phone outside.
“Udi, hello. It’s Simha,” she said, getting straight to business. “Two hours ago, I fed your father breakfast. Your mother left the room for a moment to make some coffee, and then all of a sudden, his head rolled over onto his shoulder and he stopped breathing. I called your mother and tried to talk to him. We screamed and we cried, but nothing could help. The doctor arrived immediately. About fifteen minutes ago, they declared him dead. I’m so sorry! Your mother asked me to tell you. She can’t talk, and I think that you should come.”
Once again, Udi was robbed of the power of speech.
“Are you there?” asked Simha. “Talk to me.”
“Yes, yes,” he managed to say. “I’ll get there as soon as I can.”
Chapter 83
A misty rain, a sharp breeze, and low temperatures froze the large crowd that had gathered at the cemetery. Many of the mourners shivered noticeably. Udi stood at the grave and looked into the open pit, his hand resting on his mother’s shoulder. Occasionally, he went over and grabbed his kids, hugged th
em together, kissed the tops of their heads, and returned to his mother’s side. Meirav and her grandmother held hands and sobbed uncontrollably. Udi lifted his gaze and looked around.
He couldn’t believe that so many people had come. Who are these strangers? How did it happen that so many people came to care about him? A great wave of sadness overtook him, and he bent double from the painful memories that flooded him. I was so small and he was never there—except for the weekends when he came home from work. I can see the newspapers and books now, always between him and me, a paper wall. How scornful he was when I washed his car, or when I asked him about going somewhere for a drive. He wasn’t interested. That much was clear. The old familiar rage nagged at the corners of Udi’s mind, and he realized he was breathing faster and his pulse was racing. School! That’s where it all came out. I was a big-mouth brat! The teacher was always angry with me. Even then, my father ignored all of it. He wanted no part of it, in spite of Mum’s pleas. Too late now! The anger faded, and Udi sighed with relief that he no longer harbored those old feelings.
Drops of rain collected on pine needles and slowly dripped onto the mourners’ heads. His mother read something she had scrawled on a piece of paper about the great love that existed between her and her husband.
“Why do you have to leave so quickly?” she asked. “We haven’t even started to get the grandchildren married yet, and you always said we’d have the most fun when we grew old together.” She looked up from the grave. “I miss him so much!”
Hundreds of red eyes looked at Udi and his family. Orit stood to Udi’s right, hugging her husband. Ethan stood behind his wife and hugged her. He really would have appreciated Varda standing by him and hugging him, but she wasn’t there. Loneliness weighed on his heart.
I’m alone. Soon the funeral will be over and everyone will return to their homes. They’ll hug, they’ll make love.