by Joseph Kane
Not coping well, my family had fallen to pieces. At night time I wandered around the house taking a mental note of everything, reminiscing all the fantastic memories. Each corner of every room had a story to tell. “Thanks for everything Gran,” I whispered to myself while I sat in her armchair with rays of light shining through gaps in the blinds from the street light. My time had come to an end in that house, so I left soon after. The atmosphere became too much for me. Deciding to separate myself, I went back to my mums away from the grief. On the way to the bus stop, the streets felt dark and empty. That was the loneliest walk of my life. It wasn’t the right time to think about myself, but I couldn’t help think about the implications of my future. My only lifeline was gone. Only she was the one that loved me enough to care, being the bastard son of two alcoholics. My mum's antics were just the start of it. It’s all downhill from now on.
Chapter 7 - Love and beyond
Dossing around near mum’s house, still listening to her shit every day with an empty fridge, Chris had managed to get his own house in Lostock Hall by his workplace. It was somewhere to crash on a sofa with a sleeping bag for the next few months. My life drifted with no real purpose. Nearly sixteen, I was almost able to claim benefits, while mum had pissed the last fifteen years up a wall. Losing some of her drinking money wouldn’t have gone down too well. Not sitting my exams at school, I had no qualifications to my name. The only thing I learnt from school was the year of the Battle of Hastings. Chris didn’t want me in the house all day using his electric, so I went to look for some kind of course. In Preston at a youth centre, a new course was available for young people. The Prince’s Trust group was a three-month course where young people could learn life skills, build confidence, then help turn their life around. At that moment in time, it was the perfect opportunity and just what I needed. Located in Leyland, I even managed to get my childhood friend Tanya to join. Right off the bat, Monday to Friday was brilliant fun. Going out on day trips, and being part of a friendly group of people was a breath of fresh air. The team leader was a young woman named Lisa. Full of energy and always laughing, she made life worth living again.
When someone turns sixteen, they’re supposed to have a massive birthday party. I didn’t recall getting a card since my gran had passed. The £42 a week, was all I could expect once I claimed income support. £20 a week went to my brother’s girlfriend for food, and the rest didn’t go very far. Now and then I bought some weed, to try and lift me out of a depression that came and went. Everyone laughed at me.
“How can you be depressed, you’re sixteen.”
Tell that to my scared arms or the pain inside, I’d think to myself. In the mornings after leaving the house, I walked across the road to wait for the bus. Every morning at 8am, a girl around my age waited at the same bus stop. Stood on her left, each time she would look to the right, I would eye her up and down. She was the same height as me and looked sixteen. Wearing a blue apron, she must be on her way to work. I wished she was my girlfriend, but at that age, I wanted everyone to be my girlfriend. Her blonde hair was usually in a red or blue bobble. Not the slimmest girls, but certainly not fat, she looked a bit chubby. Whenever I looked to my left, I had the feeling she was checking me out, but I could be wrong. I’d never seen anyone so beautiful in my life. Being such a self-conscience and nervous person, approaching a girl directly was unheard of for someone like me. The bus arrived, so I extended my arm out like a gentleman to let her go first. There was nothing gentle about it; I just wanted to walk into her smell of perfume, while looking at her scrumptious bum. Weeks had past returning to the same bus stop with perfect punctuality. All I wanted to do was talk to her. What if she had a boyfriend or thinks I’m stupid? I’d never be able to return to that bus stop ever again. She played on my mind all day. Not ready to leave my comfort zone, I never approached her. She was on my mind so much, I was driving Chris mad going on about her, and like he cared.
One Sunday returning back from my uncle’s house, I walked in to find two young lads stood behind the three-seater settee. Not wanting to sit, they were talking to Chris and his girlfriend from behind them. One of the boys worked with Chris doing work experience. Sat quietly in the corner armchair, I gazed at the TV while they spoke to one another.
“Yeah, do you know that girl you keep talking about from the bus stop?”
Before even replying to what Chris just said, I looked straight at the two boys before he could say another word.
“Yeah, what about her.”
“Well, this is her younger brother David and his cousin Ryan that I work with.”
My chin hit the floor. I wanted the world to open up and swallow me. It was like a dream had come true. From that second on, I knew I had an indirect shot at the title. My heart raced leaving me with a dry mouth.
“You’re her brother?”
Numb and barely unable to speak, it was a good job I was sat down as I readied myself for that one word he would surely tell me.
“What’s her name?”
“Louise.”
I looked at the floor and smiled momentarily. Finally, a name to go with that beautiful face I stood with every morning.
“Where does she live? Who does she live with? Has she got a boyfriend? What job does she have?”
Asking questions quicker than they could answer, I instantly made it clear how much I liked his sister. Not from my apparent interest in her, but because I blatantly told him “I fancy your sister.” The odds of that situation must be a million to one; me being the million, Louise being the one. She worked in a flouriest during the summer, while being off college. She lived at home with her mum, stepdad, half-brother, and David. The best part was hearing she was single. Getting an insight into her life, it was sweet music to my ears.
“Why don’t you phone her?”
“I don’t have a phone.”
“You can use mine if you want.”
Bless David after receiving such advances from a stranger; he was willing to let me use his phone to catch her off guard. It was an unreal moment. I was so happy. They all egged me on as I stayed in my seat thinking what to say. Once I had my story right, I walked into the next room to call her. My heart was in my mouth. Stood in total darkness, her name lit up in green on the phone as it rang. She answered thinking it was David.
“Hello.”
“Hello is that Louise?”
“Who is it.”
“I’m Joseph, the lad that stands at the bus stop with you in the mornings. Your brother knows my brother, and he let me use his phone to call you.”
An awkward silence followed. The main artery in my neck pulsed down the phone, as I went bright red. At that point, there was no going back. If she said no, I will never return to that bus stop ever again.
“Erm… I thought it was David.”
“I was just wondering if maybe you wanted to meet up one time.”
We both went over again how I came into possession of David’s phone. She seemed mystified.
“Well, I’m busy on Tuesday because I need to go to B&Q to buy a lamp for my art project, so maybe next week.”
“Yeah that sounds good; I’ll come with you.”
“You want to come with me to buy a lamp? Next week would be better; I’m really busy.”
“Honestly, I’d love to walk with you, even if it's for a short walk.”
“You want to come to B&Q? I won’t be able to stay out long.”
My family knew all too well; if I want something, then I want it now. She gave in to my persistence and agreed to meet me in two days. Not really an ideal first date. After watching her for weeks, stood at that stupid bus stop, another second was too long. She laughed at my hastiness to meet so soon. It wasn’t because I wanted sex, I was halfway in love with a girl I’d never even spoken to. Feelings came over me I’d never experienced before. The sensation made me feel warm inside. And so, the date was set; 8pm at the bus stop, on the 28th of August, 2001. Definitely, a date to remember.
Tuesday night couldn’t come fast enough. Thank heavens she didn’t get the bus on Monday morning; what an embarrassing moment that would have been. With an hour to go, the bathroom was mine. Shower, body spray, then gel in that order. My nerves kept strong until that gel went on. Butterflies in my stomach almost carried me down the stairs.
“Good luck.”
My brother’s girlfriend sniggered at me, almost laughing. Walking out of the house felt like entering death row. Only yards away, the bus stop was empty, giving me time to calm down. Not wanting to stand there, I did a lap around the block in one big circle. Nearing the bus stop after one lap, I could see a girl in front of me with long blonde hair. Is that Louise? My eyes are bad. When she got to the bus stop, she disappeared around the side of it. Scared to death, I approached the corner like a police officer.
“Are you Louise!”
Stupidly commenting, it would have been some coincidence if it wasn’t. What the hell was I saying. Gulps of air had made me feel dizzy. Stood in front of me was the most beautiful thing I had ever made eye contact with. Her blonde hair lit up the dark bus shelter, creating an aura that hypnotised me. Usually, her hair was tied up in the mornings. That night she let it down, every strand of hair stood on its own perfectly straight, flowing from side to side. She must have brushed and blow dried it for hours.
“Yes,” she said smiling with her blue eyes, much bluer than mine.
“I walked around the block when I saw you weren’t here.”
“Really? I did the same.”
A thin sheet of ice broke in my mind, while we laughed any nerves off. On the way, we exchanged questions about each other. I started with how her cousin worked with my brother, and how they came around on Sunday night. B&Q was over a mile away, so we had plenty of time to talk. We trailed through some kind of storm drain in the pitch black, barely big enough for the two of us. I couldn’t believe she was about to make this walk alone, what a brave girl. Straight away it was apparent she was mature, intelligent and gorgeous. She walked first into the store heading down the light aisle. Shining bright, she radiated in front of me, placing me into a trance. I couldn’t take my eyes off her. Her project was to draw a lamp. Being left-handed, I could hardly write my name. On the way back, I insensitively asked her a stupid question. She would have told me in her own time, but I asked without thinking.
“How did you get that scar on your face.”
“People always ask me that, just not as quick as you just did.”
“Sorry. It doesn’t change how you look; I just wondered how you got it.”
“I ran into a glass door when I was a kid.”
The scar went from the side of her nose, around her mouth and down to her chin. I felt like such an asshole for asking. She changed the conversation, asking if I knew any jokes.
“I know loads; I can’t remember any apart from one. What do you call a prostitute with white eyes?”
“I don’t know.”
“Full.”
She laughed her head off. It was a relief to amuse her. I wanted her to like me. When we got to the Labour club close to the bus stop, she insisted that I didn’t walk her home. I wanted to see her home safe, but maybe she didn’t want me to know where she lived. Offering to walk her halfway, we agreed to go to hers.
“Stand at my back gate, while I drop my lamp off then I will walk back with you.”
“Don’t be stupid, I’ll be fine on my own, you go in.”
“No it’s fine, I’ll walk back.”
Her house looked like it was in a nice area. We had walked across a field to get to hers. I couldn’t believe how she walked through dark areas alone. Back to where we started, it was time to go our separate ways.
“Give me a hug then.”
Not believing my luck, I was more than obliged. Under the street light, we wrapped our arms around each other’s warm body. Her blonde fragranced hair brushed against my face, with my eyes closed. I needed that hug for sixteen years. Pulling back slowly, I wondered what she was doing before clicking on. Our cheeks rubbed past each other, only for our lips to connect, turning into a passionate snog. Cars driving passed pumped their horns, while two people came together. Resting my eyes, I savoured that kiss for as long as possible. Straight after, we walked in opposite directions with the promise to call one another. I was so happy and love-struck with an urge to scream at the top of my voice. When I got in, I sat with a stupid smile on my face for the rest of the night. It felt like it was meant it be. The following week or two, we stayed in touch over the phone, texting and ringing each other on a temporary phone I got hold of. I just wanted to see her again as soon as possible, but she had loads of college projects to do at home. Meeting in the mornings must have been fate. Her job was only for a short time to fill a college break.
Louise and I had gained some trust and feelings for one another before she introduced me to her mum and stepdad. I’d also befriended David and his cousin, adding certainty that love might blossom. Another nervous moment, but good to be off the dark streets. A picture appeared in my mind of how her house looked inside, or what her mum was like. If she was anything like Louise, there would be nothing to worry about. We walked down a lane before entering her crescent. Modern detached buildings trailed around before reaching her suburban home. Intruding thoughts came over me. What if they don’t like me? What if I don’t stand up to their standards? When we got inside, her mother smiled at me and said hello. Her stepdad seemed nice as well. Her little brother laid on the floor watching TV as we all talked. Knowing what it's like to have a good family, I knew how to act. An ordinary family was all I wished for. How great it must be going home to a lovely house with loving people inside.
Staying with Chris was no different than being with my friends on the estate. Not having the same grandparents, he had been around bad dudes all his life. Sat in the corner, all I could do was watch him play video games. It was surprising to let me stay in his home, given how tight and selfish he was. The only time he paid for anyone, was when he wanted to do something for himself. He never even shared a chocolate bar from a multipack in the cupboard. It was worse when his friends came around. Just when I thought our bad life was over, he brought some of his criminal friends around from where we just escaped. As they were in their mid-twenties, their stage in life was to drink and smoke weed every day. Doing what I did best, I went with the flow. They joked, blasting music whenever Chris hit the decks. Bobbing heads went to the sound of drum and bass, with swaying bodies like tough guys. Every conversation was about taking the piss out of everything, or who they had assaulted. My whole life was surrounded by those who would put everyone down, make fun or spot weaknesses. Who were they to judge anyone? That’s where my insecurities came from, but being around those people made me feel safe. The second I was outside my comfort zone my life was a living hell. Each walk outside felt like the worst was going to happen. Being in such a predicament, if I went against the tide, I was in danger of being washed away. I wanted a life like my grandparent’s or Louise. Being apart of a nuclear family in a decent place, was all I ever dreamt about. I would look through living room windows as I walked past imagining what kind of life the family inside had.
One night, Chris decided to record himself while he was drunk with his best friend, Toni. Toni was a bit of a tough guy that smoked weed all day, throwing his weight around with his train wreck of a life. The two of them together became pretty wild. I respected how he had my back still, whenever I needed someone sorting out.
“If anything should ever happen to me, I want the whole world to know that Joseph ate shit. He ate it when he was a baby, and I caught him.”
They were both in hysterics. If only he knew what memory needed to exist. I knew the truth. My photographic memory remembered everything from the age of four. I was so traumatised watching my parents fight in pubs, as I clutched tightly to my teddy bear. I took pleasure from having a good look at their pathetic life, and the direction it was going in
. Thank God I met Louise, what a blessing in disguise. My time in that house with Chris and his girlfriend was no sweet lullaby. His long-term girlfriend enjoyed taking the piss out of me or making me act like her skivvy. Chris, on the other hand, was narcissistic, self-centred, and very controlling. In simple terms, he was a real asshole sharing a third of mum’s personality. Both of them together were a match made in heaven. She would bow and serve his every need, even though she lost her family over him. Then he would cheat on her, before coming clean and she still stayed with him. It drove me mad how they treat me. I wanted to smash the house up. Being scared of Chris, there was no way I’d say anything. Not unless I wanted to be on the street. On occasions, I would sneak off to the bathroom upstairs. Grabbing a razor once I took my clothes off, I sliced across my chest. Every slice released a small amount of pressure from within, better than any acupuncture. Putting up with their shit was not so bad, sat with a bleeding chest that felt like I had Vicks on. A murderous rage was slowing boiling away deep inside me, the older I got. Only love could save me.
Visiting Louise’s house the first few times, we had to sit in the kitchen. Her mum knew we’d be sexually active, but it was only until they got to know me. In my opinion, I was a good kid with a lost cause. Later, we started going up to her room. Her mum figured that as long as her daughter was indoors, she was safe. As for sex, well, if Louise were going to do it, she would find a way like any other teenager on the planet. Her room was small, making way for her brothers in the bigger room. The first thing I noticed was a painting on her wall.