by A. K. Evans
“So you’re going to miss out on meeting your first grandchild?” I questioned her.
She sighed. “No. That’s why I called Peyton this morning and told her she needed to make a decision,” she explained. “Either her dad or me. I’m her mother. She’s going to be a new mother. There’s no way she’s going to choose him.”
She couldn’t be serious.
“He has just as much right to be there as you do,” I pointed out.
“Then he needs to leave his girlfriend at home,” she insisted. “This is a family thing. She shouldn’t be involved.”
I honestly couldn’t understand why this was of any importance to her. They hadn’t been together since Peyton and I were kids.
“Why do you care who he shows up with?” I asked. “You two haven’t spoken to each other in years.”
For the first time since we’d gotten on the phone, there was an extended silence. It was unusual enough that I started to think either she’d hung up on me or we had gotten disconnected. As it turned out, neither of those was the case.
“He’s moved on,” she returned, her voice sounding strangely wounded.
“Okay,” I responded since I wasn’t quite sure what to say.
As nice as it was to hear her not so worked up, I wasn’t convinced this was a better alternative. I could deal with angry better than I could deal with sad. And there was no denying the sadness I heard in her voice.
It took her a moment, but eventually my mom continued, “He’s moved on to someone else. They’ve been together for months now. And it looks like things are serious.”
“I don’t understand why this would be a problem for you,” I started, attempting to keep my voice neutral. “It’s been years since you got divorced. Do you expect him, or yourself for that matter, to stay single forever?”
“He’s let this one in,” she shared. “She’s got staying power.”
“Isn’t that a good thing?”
“For her, it is.”
This was going nowhere. “Mom?” I called.
“Yeah?”
“Level with me here,” I urged. “I don’t understand why you told Peyton she had to choose between having you there or having Dad there. Why can’t both of her parents be there?”
The silence stretched between us. And it went on for so long I knew I needed to prepare myself for whatever her response was going to be. Despite all the time I had, I was never able to fully prepare for the response she eventually gave me.
“I never thought we wouldn’t get back on track, Knox,” she began. “When we were together, I could only see the things he did that disappointed me. I couldn’t look beyond that to the good things he did. I pushed him so far away and believed, even after the divorce, that the love we had for each other would be enough to bring him back to me. I was stubborn. And now he’s gone.”
Damn it.
This could not be happening.
My parents had been divorced for twenty-five years. Twenty-five. And it seemed that nowhere in that twenty-five-year period did my mom ever find it within herself to stand up and admit how she really felt.
Now. Now, when an innocent baby was involved she wanted to share her feelings. With me. This was a conversation she should have had with my dad about five minutes after she signed on the dotted line. Or, maybe, perhaps before she even picked up the pen.
“Are you telling me you want him back?” I asked.
“There was never a time when I didn’t want him,” she admitted.
This seriously could not be happening.
“Mom, don’t you think you should have told him this a long time ago?” I questioned her.
Her voice was strained when she responded, “I thought he felt the same.”
He probably did. As a kid, I could only remember my parents arguing. I never knew what the reason for it was. When they got divorced, I was even more confused. But I could recall things I’d heard them say. At the time, it never made any sense to me. Suddenly, it was all hitting me.
For far too long, I was under the impression that my dad just didn’t care. I believed he’d always done something wrong to upset my mom. Now I realized that probably wasn’t ever the case.
“So, you never told him how you really felt because you thought he’d never try to be happy in his life? What did you expect him to do?” I pressed. “You just told me that you were being stubborn when you were together. If you realized that at some point in the last twenty-five years, you probably should have told him. Maybe you could have worked things out.”
“I always knew I loved your father, Knox,” she started. “And I always knew he was the best man I’d ever known. But it wasn’t until I saw how happy he is now that I realized how my being stubborn cost me everything that mattered to me.”
“So now what?” I asked. The question came out sounding a bit harsher than I had meant for it to sound. But she wasted time because she was too confident, too proud, to believe he wouldn’t ever come crawling back. And now she wanted to take it out on someone who didn’t deserve it.
“What do you mean?”
“I love you, Mom. Please understand that,” I stressed. “But this is your screw up. You messed up and now you want to put Peyton in the middle of it. She’s pregnant and doesn’t need the stress. I can’t tell you what to do about Dad. You need to make that choice. But I am telling you that until you can promise me you won’t bring this on my sister again, she won’t be accepting any of your calls.”
“I’m her mother,” she argued.
“Then you need to start acting like it and put her needs before your own,” I ordered.
There was another lengthy pause before the sadness returned in my mom’s voice and she said, “If he’s there with his girlfriend, I can’t do it. Please tell me you understand how painful that will be.”
“I do,” I assured her. “I understand. But as painful as it might be, the birth of Peyton’s first child isn’t about your pain. It’s about her happiness.”
“I’m not sure I can do it,” she worried. “I don’t know how I’m supposed to let go of the man who meant everything to me. It’s been twenty-five years, Knox. And there isn’t a day that goes by when I don’t wish I had him here with me. How am I supposed to face him again knowing I didn’t mean the same to him?”
I closed my eyes and let out a sigh. This was beyond crazy. I was so angry about everything I’d just learned that I just needed to stop this conversation altogether. And because of that, I ended up saying something I probably shouldn’t have.
“You did,” I told her. “You did mean the same. But I think the better question for you to be asking yourself is why you were willing to let him go to begin with if he meant everything to you?”
She gasped.
I couldn’t do this.
“I have to go,” I told her. “I’ll call you later.”
I disconnected the call, grabbed my keys, and walked out to my truck. Then I spent roughly another forty minutes while I drove to the track replaying the conversation I’d just had over and over in my head asking myself a million questions about why my mother did what she did. By the time I arrived, I had no answers and only gained a splitting headache.
I needed to call Peyton, but I couldn’t deal with it at the moment. So, while I walked quickly through the lot, I sent her a text.
Me: I talked to Mom. She’s a disaster right now. I’m at the track for testing this afternoon, but I’ll call later to explain. I told her not to call you, so I don’t think you have to worry. But if she does, don’t answer. Not right now.
It wasn’t more than thirty seconds later when my sister responded.
Peyton: Okay. We’ll talk later. Thanks, Knox.
I didn’t respond. I slid my phone back into my pocket and increased the pace of my stride. It was much later than I had expected it to be.
My focus had been on finding Avery’s truck and trailer, but I suddenly heard someone shout, “Knox!”
I looked to my ri
ght and saw Kieran standing there at the staging lanes, just behind the burnout box. Avery had just done her burnout and Nash and Ryker were getting her lined up to pre-stage.
Shit.
I ran over, hoping I’d be able to make it up to where Ryker was before she lit up the first beam, but I didn’t.
Not wanting to break her concentration, I held myself back.
Avery ran a hell of a first pass. I was so happy for her. So proud.
But it wasn’t until I’d finally caught up with her in the pits that I realized how little that first pass meant to her.
And it was then I wondered if we’d be able to fix what was broken.
Disheartened.
That was the best way to describe how I felt.
Something that should have been so wonderfully spectacular was simply anticlimactic. Looking down at the slip of paper in my hand, I couldn’t stop thinking how much sweeter this would have been if Knox had been here.
I’d just taken my car down the track, a car that would not have been put back together this quickly had it not been for all his help. It was a bit overwhelming going up to the staging lanes knowing he wouldn’t see my first pass. I tried to ignore the feeling of despair in the pit of my stomach when it was finally my turn to pull into the burnout box. For a moment, I thought I had succeeded.
Once I started getting my tires hot, I got lost to it. It happened, though it was brief. Because when I started to pull forward to pre-stage and Ryker was there instead of Knox, I felt something come over me. I blinked my eyes several times, trying to stave off the tears.
I knew I’d been unsuccessful in this when Ryker looked me right in the eyes and concern washed over him. He held his hand up, indicating he wanted me to stop pulling forward. I had a feeling he wanted to give me a chance to pull it together. But I was certain if I didn’t get myself staged, and do it immediately, I wouldn’t be able to go down the track at all. I’d be too distracted by my thoughts of Knox.
So, I pulled forward. And I did it.
By some miracle, I managed to run a solid pass. Even running on about half the power the setup had, my first pass was technically my best pass in this car since I’d never taken it down the track running this much power when my dad was alive. It felt good. Best of all, it was promising because there was still so much left in it, and it wasn’t even close to being dialed in.
Now, reviewing the time slip as I drove slowly on the return road heading back to my pit, I didn’t feel any of the happiness or excitement that I should have given what I’d just accomplished. To run such a good first pass, knowing there wasn’t any seat time in the car with this new setup and the fact that Logan could still make substantial tweaks to the tune, was quite the feat. Unfortunately, the elation I should have been feeling was marred by the sadness and disappointment I felt.
I’d fallen in love with a man who didn’t stay true to his promise. He allowed me to do this alone… the one thing that had stopped me from rebuilding this car from the start.
And yes, I had the rest of the team. I knew that, and I felt incredibly grateful for them. But he was the one who made me a promise. He was the one who had my heart.
Winding my way past several other trailers, I eventually saw my own. And as I got closer, I saw him standing there.
Knox.
And he was smiling from ear to ear.
Was he serious?
I pulled up next to the trailer, got out of the car, and walked right up to Logan. I handed him the time slip, told him how the car felt, and turned around. Then I walked right past Knox and into the trailer.
I had a feeling the rest of the guys wanted to congratulate me; however, they held themselves back. They knew it wasn’t a good time to approach me. I appreciated their willingness to give me some space.
And I needed it.
Because if they all surrounded me and tried to offer words of praise, I’d lose hold on my emotions. I was barely hanging on, feeling the tears well in my eyes.
Once I was inside the trailer, I moved to the front of it and hunched forward. Placing my forearms on the top of the floor cabinet, I took several deep breaths.
Though I heard the footsteps behind me, I didn’t turn around. I knew it was him. And as they got closer, I stopped breathing. I tried to brace myself for whatever he was going to say.
Nothing came.
At least, not for several long seconds.
Then, I felt his hand press firmly into the middle of my back as his other hand wrapped around my bicep. A moment later, his mouth was close to my ear where he whispered, “Avery.”
My whole body went solid, and I knew he felt it because his grip on my arm tightened. Quickly, I stood up, turned, and forced him back away from me.
“No,” I seethed. “You don’t get to come in here and try to be sweet. You broke your promise, Knox.”
If I hadn’t been paying attention, I might have missed the slight jerk of his body. He recovered so quickly and moved toward me again, but I held my hand up in front of me. Knox stopped advancing and said, “I didn’t. I was here. I saw your pass.”
My brows shot up. I’d already drawn that conclusion when I had approached the pit and saw the smile on his face. It didn’t matter, though.
“Did I know that? Before I took off down the track, I was under the impression you blew me off,” I told him. “I was struggling so hard to keep my head on straight, I’m surprised I managed to keep this car off the wall.”
“Avery, I’m sorry. I didn’t—”
“What, Knox? You didn’t what?” I shot back, cutting him off and feeling myself grow more and more frustrated.
“If you’d just let me explain,” he pleaded.
“Explain?” I questioned him. “Explain what? You want to explain how you made a promise to me weeks ago and ended up breaking that promise today? Or did you want to explain to me why we made plans together to come testing today and you bailed on me at the definition of the last possible minute?”
“Avery…” he trailed off, his voice soft.
“You broke my heart today, Knox,” I rasped. “You knew how much this day meant to me, especially being back in that car. And just like that, you bailed on me. Maybe you’re here now, but you weren’t here when I needed you the most. It’s like you don’t even realize how badly I needed someone to depend on again. I knew better. I was a fool to think you’d be the reason I’d never experience heartbreak again.”
That did it.
Those words pierced him like a knife to the gut.
And though I meant every word of what I’d just said, I hated how seeing his reaction to them made me feel. I hated that I’d inflicted that pain on him.
I was about to apologize when the look of hurt on his face changed. He was no longer wounded by what I said.
No.
Knox was angry.
Boiling mad, in fact.
Taking a few slow steps backward, he clipped, “You’re right, Avery. I fucked up and disappointed you today. But something tells me that even if I had been at your house first thing this morning, it would have been something else down the road that I would have done to screw up. And you’d live your life constantly waiting for it to happen, for you to get what you believe is bound to be your life. One filled with nothing but one letdown after another. I’ll do you a favor and save you from any additional heartbreak.”
My lips parted at his declaration and the harsh tone of his voice.
He turned and walked to the back of the trailer. Just before he walked down the ramp door, he turned back to look at me and said, “Good luck today.”
With that, he was gone.
And I crumbled to the ground struggling to stave off the tears.
It didn’t work.
Especially not when, of all people, Ryker came in, wrapped me in his arms, and tried to comfort me.
“I think it’s done.”
From across the table, Kendall stared at me with sad eyes. “Don’t say that,” she begged.
<
br /> Shaking my head back and forth, I murmured, “It’s been two days, Kendall. Trust me, it’s over.”
“Did he say that it was over?” she questioned me.
“He didn’t exactly say those words, but it was certainly implied,” I assured her.
Kendall set her fork down on the edge of her salad plate and sat back against the back of the booth. It was Monday afternoon, and we’d come out for lunch together.
After Knox left me standing in the trailer on Saturday, we hadn’t spoken. He never called that night, and he didn’t call all day Sunday.
“When I got home from work on Saturday night, Logan filled me in,” she started. “I felt so horrible, and if we didn’t already have plans on Sunday, I promise I would have come over to talk to you about it.”
“It’s okay,” I insisted.
“What happened today at work?” she asked.
I shook my head. “Nothing. He walked in, looked at me, and walked right past me and out into the shop without saying a word. He treated me the same as I did him on Saturday,” I explained.
“I don’t understand. What exactly happened?” she wondered. “All Logan told me was that Knox showed up late to the track.”
I sighed and looked away. How horrible was it that I’d gone over what happened about a million times on Saturday and then again on Sunday, and I still had no idea what happened?
I returned my attention to Kendall and finally spoke. I told her all about what happened on Saturday. I explained how Knox and I had been planning to get the car together and get it to the track so I could get some seat time in it before the final race of the season. I also shared the significance of rebuilding the car I’d once raced when my dad was alive. And finally, I told Kendall all about how Knox had promised he’d be there every step of the way.
“So, he never explained why he didn’t show up that morning?” she asked.
“No. Though, to be fair, I didn’t give him much of an opportunity when we were at the track,” I said. “I don’t know what came over me. I tend to keep my emotions bottled up. Or, I used to anyway. But with him, it’s like something else comes over me and I completely let loose.”