‘True.’ I peer up at him. He’s been off in the woods looking for wildlife to photograph while I’ve just been lying here for hours, so I feel like I owe it to him to do something. ‘Where is it?’
‘Just up there. It’s only a short walk.’
I slip my trainers back on, but Aiden walks barefoot through the grass, his hair lifting in the breeze. He’s a true hippy – a Seventies throwback. He fascinates me. I try to commit this moment to memory so I’ll remember it forever. The glint of sunlight on water, the sound of the birds singing, the smell of the forest. And Aiden. Always Aiden. We pass the spraint rock where I fell and carry on to where the river runs deeper, curling round past a row of shady willow trees, their leaves brushing the surface of the water. A little further on, the river splits, and through the trees I see a disused water mill, its wheel still and silent, frozen for eternity.
‘Wow, look at that!’ I say, bending to get a better look through the trees. Its windows look black and empty against its soft sandstone walls. ‘Such a shame it’s fallen into disrepair.’
‘Yeah, it’s beautiful. Bit spooky though. I’ve had a good look round it.’ He peels off his T-shirt. ‘Come on, get your clothes off.’
‘I’m looking at the mill.’
‘You want to live there? We can do it up. You, me, four kids.’ There’s a splash as he leaps into the river and I squeal as a tide of cold water soaks me. ‘How about it?’
I laugh. ‘Yeah, right, like you want four kids!’
He’s doing a lazy kind of backstroke away from me, just his head poking out of the water, watching to make sure I get in the water with him. I take my clothes off slowly, making him laugh as I treat him to a silly striptease, and then I jump into the water. It’s freezing and I give a little squeal as I resurface, gasping for breath. Aiden laughs as he paddles over to me.
‘Is this a good time to tell you I can’t swim?’
His expression falters and I see real fear in his eyes. ‘Oh, please no!’
Laughing, I splash him and swim away. He follows, pulling me back against him and biting my earlobe. We laugh and swim and play, much like the otters did the other night. We float on our backs beneath the willow trees, watching the sapphire sky through the emerald leaves, and then when we’re cold, we lie on the bank in the sun to dry off.
‘It’s a good job I’m not allergic to grass,’ I murmur. Aiden lies on his front, propped on his elbows while he makes a daisy chain. It makes me laugh. He’s so masculine and hairy, and yet he’s plucking sweet little flowers from the grass and carefully joining them together. When he’s finished, he places it on my head like a crown. ‘There you go. Now you’re a queen. The queen of my heart.’
I laugh at him. ‘Could you say that with a bit less sarcasm, do you think?’
‘What do you mean?’ He laughs and kisses my collar bone. ‘Did you know your name means golden princess?’ He readjusts my daisy headdress and runs his fingers through my blonde hair. ‘You’re my golden princess.’
‘Have I been downgraded? I thought I was your queen a moment ago.’
‘You are. That too. But that’s what Orla means.’
‘Oh, I see.’ Supporting my chin on my hand, I watch him with amusement.
‘Didn’t you know that’s what Orla means?’
I shake my head. ‘Maybe I did once, but if I did, I’ve forgotten.’
‘Well, never forget again.’
I giggle. ‘What does Aiden mean, then?’
‘Little fiery one, I think. Something to do with a Celtic sun god.’
‘Ah, makes sense.’
‘What does?’ He looks amused as he plucks at the grass with his long fingers.
‘You being named after a god.’ Taking off my daisy crown, I place it on his head instead.
‘A god? Steady on.’ He laughs and rolls over onto his back so the daisy crown slips back onto the grass. ‘I think that might be stretching it a bit.’
Settling down next to him, I kiss his shoulder and stare up at the blue sky above us. I think the silly conversation is over, but then he says, ‘If I was a god, I’d be able to control my feelings for a start.’
There’s a pause while I process his words. ‘What do you mean?’
‘I messed up, Orla. We messed up.’ He raises his hand before letting it fall back onto his stomach in a hopeless gesture. ‘This is no good. Or rather it’s too good, depending on whichever way you look at it.’
I frown. ‘What are you saying?’
‘I’m saying you mean a lot to me. I’m saying you’re going to be difficult to leave behind.’
I go cold all over. This is it, I think. This is where he tells me he’s leaving. ‘You’re going away?’ I say eventually.
‘I got the call this morning.’
I sit up and reach for my T-shirt, pulling it on over my head. I don’t want to be naked while we’re having this conversation. ‘You didn’t say straight away?’
‘I didn’t know how.’
I swallow hard, reminding myself I have no right to feel this angry and betrayed. It’s not like I didn’t know Aiden would be leaving. What was it I’d said to Reanna? That’s who he is, I’d said, we have to enjoy him while we can. I have to live by those words. I have to be brave. And in my heart of hearts, I knew our time was coming to an end. Aiden’s been here all summer, and it’s nearly September now. I know he has enough footage of the otters. He has no reason to stay here longer.
I pick a daisy and roll it through my fingers, watching the green juice from its stem stain my fingertips. ‘Where are you going?’
‘India.’
I nod, gathering myself together in order to be as positive possible. ‘Well, that’s amazing. When do you go?’
He jolts slightly, as though he felt my question as a physical blow. ‘Next week. Tuesday, probably.’
Next week? But that’s so soon! I feel like I’m in freefall as I struggle to keep my emotions from showing on my face. I know he has to go. I’ve always known. It’s who he is. It’s what he does.
‘I’m sorry,’ he says, eventually.
‘Don’t be sorry,’ I whisper. ‘You’ve always wanted to go to India, haven’t you? It’ll be wonderful. You’ll love it.’ My tone is light, but my throat aches. ‘An excellent opportunity.’
He nods, but he can’t meet my eye. ‘I don’t want to leave you though. Will you come with me?’
I stare at him. He can’t be serious, surely?
‘I’m serious, Orla,’ he says, sitting up and putting his hand on my shoulder. ‘I’ve never felt like this about anyone before. Ever. I don’t think I can go without you.’
I can’t speak for a moment. My heart stutters to a stop then starts beating again at a million miles per hour. Could I go with him? Could I really? My head fills with possibilities, a road trip movie filled with sunny days and endless kisses. We could travel the world together, see incredible places and animals that most people never get to see. It would be the adventure of a lifetime, and most importantly of all, I’d be with Aiden.
I really want to be with Aiden.
But …
What if Aiden and I don’t work out? What if we get halfway round the world and decide we can’t stand to be in each other’s company for a moment longer? Looking at him now, I can’t ever imagine that happening, but that’s what every couple thinks when they first start out. I’m sure that’s what my mum and dad thought when they got married, and look what happened there. What if I gave up my job, my flat, my five-year plan and find I did it for nothing?
Plus, I’m not that keen on camping. I love staying with Aiden in his tent, but I’m just visiting. I can go home to my comfortable bed whenever I feel like it, but if I went with him, I wouldn’t be able to do that. I’m pretty sure the novelty of sleeping under canvas would wear off after a while if it was full-time, even if I was wrapped in Aiden’s arms. Plus, at the end of the day, I’m a woman. How would I cope with having periods if we’re camping in the middle of n
owhere, miles away from civilisation and a proper toilet? I know there are bound to be ways around it, but I’m not sure I want to know what they are. I’m too used to my creature comforts. It’s alright Aiden digging a hole and declaring it a latrine, but I like a nice clean porcelain bowl and double-ply toilet tissue. I like showers. And soap.
But I’ll miss Aiden. How will I get through the day without seeing him, or hearing his voice. We’ve become inseparable these last few weeks.
Aiden’s watching me closely, a troubled expression in his eyes. ‘What are you thinking?’ he asks softly.
I blink once. Twice. Three times. ‘I’m thinking everything. All at once.’
‘You don’t have to decide now.’
‘But you go in a week! I couldn’t just leave in a week. I’d have to give notice on my job and my flat. Put my stuff in storage.’
‘You could pack up in a week. Tell your landlord you’ve left and let your lease lapse. And at the end of the day, your job is just a job. They can’t stop you leaving if you want to. You can just walk out.’
‘I can’t just walk out.’ I’m appalled by the thought. ‘Besides, what would I do for money?’
‘Go freelance. Start a travel blog. Or even a vlog on YouTube. Write for magazines and newspapers. There’re loads of things you could do. I have contacts that would give you freelance work. People would love to read about the places we’d go and the things we’d see. You’d never be short of material. And it would be amazing to go travelling with you. We’d have the best time. It’d be just you and me, seeing the world together.’
My initial spark of excitement is tempered immediately by black, sticky fear. I’ve never considered being a travel writer before. The farthest place I’ve been is Spain on a package holiday. There’s so much to think about. I’d need injections against malaria and all sorts to go to the more tropical places. I’m not even sure how long my passport has until it expires. It might even have expired already.
‘Talk to me, Orla.’
I look at him and the fear and the doubt must show on my face because he sighs and strokes my hair back before kissing my forehead.
‘You don’t have to decide now. Think about it.’
‘I haven’t got long though, have I? Not if you’re going in a week.’ I can’t keep the tremor of panic from my voice.
He shakes his head and sighs. ‘A week or so. Nothing’s definite yet. I need to sort out flights and I should go home to see my parents first.’
I nod, feeling numb. It’s hard to believe that I woke up this morning so happy, and now I feel like the world is ending.
‘And, you know, you could always come out and join me later on. You don’t have to give everything up immediately. And even if you don’t come, it doesn’t have to mean the end of us.’
I give a silent laugh that’s more pain than humour. How long would he be away for? Where would he go after India? There’s no guarantee he’d come back to England. He’s not even from England. He’s Irish. All his family live in Ireland. Why would he come back here to see me when he doesn’t need to be here?
There’s too much against us.
‘I need time to think.’
‘Okay.’ Aiden’s voice is calm, soothing. He wraps his arms around me and holds me tight, his chin resting on the top of my head. ‘Whatever you decide is okay, you know that, don’t you? No pressure. I’d love you to come, but I know it’s a massive thing for you.’
‘I’m not sure I can live in a tent indefinitely.’ My voice is muffled from where my face is pressed into his chest.
‘We can stay in hotels. Rent apartments. We don’t have to sleep in a tent all the time.’
‘But you like living like that. You said that’s what connects you to nature.’ I lift my head and look at him reproachfully.
‘I do like living like that. Like this’ – he waves his hand at the river and the trees and the cornflower blue sky above us – ‘but I like you more.’ He smiles at me, his eyes soft and full of love. Full of hope. I drop my head back onto his chest, unable to look at him.
I don’t think I can go with him.
I don’t think I can live without him.
I want him to stay here with me forever. I want to go back to the minute before he took that phone call and make that last forever. Now there is life before the call, and life after the call. But I’ve always known that he will leave. I have no excuse for feeling this way. I’ve always known that Aiden is one of life’s wanderers. A free spirit. The only surprising thing about this moment is that he’s asking me to go with him.
I’m so confused.
‘I should go home and think this through,’ I say softly, making no attempt to leave the safety of his arms, which tighten around me.
‘Don’t go. Don’t—’ He tuts and tips his chin, staring up at the sky. ‘If you don’t come, we only have a week left. Let’s not waste time.’
‘But I don’t know what to do. What am I supposed to do?’
He shakes his head slightly and shrugs. ‘You don’t have to go back to your flat and sit there alone to do decide what to do.’ He strokes my hair and kisses my head. ‘Stay with me.’
We hold each other like we won’t ever let go. But we know we will. Deep down, I know I won’t be going with him, and I think he knows it too. I feel it in every tremulous thud of his heartbeat, every deep shaking breath he draws into his lungs.
And though I wrap my arms around him like I’m frightened he will float up and away in the afternoon breeze, I know I’ll let him go when the time comes. I’ll let him go because I have to. I can’t go and he can’t stay. But I also know that some part of me will be forever sitting here on this river bank, wrapped in his arms, and that when he goes, he’ll take a part of me with him. Because no matter what happens, he’ll always have my heart.
Chapter 16
Present day – London, UK
The train starts to sway and I take hold of the metal pole next to me to keep myself upright. Aiden and I stare at each other across the carriage. He looks as shocked as I am that he’s on this train.
‘What are you doing?’ I can’t breathe properly. I think I must be hallucinating. A woman sitting in the centre of the carriage looks between us with interest, but otherwise it’s just us, staring at each other in the yellow light of the train. ‘You have to go back. You can’t just leave your own exhibition!’
‘I couldn’t just let you leave!’ He strides up the carriage towards me, holding on to the metal bars as he goes. ‘I hadn’t even spoken to you properly.’
For a second I think he’s going to kiss me and my heart jerks, but his determined expression falters as he reaches me and is replaced by an uncertain frown. ‘Why did you leave?’
‘It’s late, Aiden. I have work tomorrow.’ I’m pleased that my voice sounds strong, even though my knees are weak and trembling.
‘We haven’t seen each other for five years.’ He sits down on the seat next to where I’m standing. ‘You could have waited.’
‘You were busy. I didn’t want to disturb you. I could tell you had lots of important people to see.’
‘None more important than you. Have you been crying?’
‘What? No!’ Self-consciously, I wipe my face on my sleeve then sit down opposite him. ‘It’s just the wind and the rain. It made my eyes water.’
He seems to accept my answer, though he still looks troubled as he watches me. I stare back at him, almost afraid. ‘Shouldn’t you be back at the gallery with your friends and family.’
He shrugs. ‘I’ve done my speech and thanked everyone for coming. What else do I need to do?’
‘I don’t know, but …’
‘Nah.’ He pulls at his tie until it hangs loose around his neck, then unbuttons the top two buttons of his shirt. At once, he looks more like the old Aiden than he has done all night. ‘Everyone was leaving anyway. How are you? What have you been up to?’
‘Just work and stuff.’ I shrug. ‘I live in London now, obvi
ously.’
‘Yeah, so your five-year plan worked out then?’
‘Yes, I suppose it did.’ I smile at him, though it feels stiff and not quite natural. ‘And you? You’re doing well, I see.’
‘Ah well, you know.’ He shrugs modestly. ‘So, did you get married or anything?’
He eyes my naked left hand speculatively and I shake my head. ‘I’m seeing someone.’
‘Yeah? Lucky man. Who is he? What’s he like?’
My insides recoil in surprise. The last thing I’d want to hear about is who he’s seeing.
‘His name’s James and he’s nice.’
‘Nice?’
‘Mm, nice,’ I say with a firm nod.
‘What’s he do? Where does he come from? Do you live together?’
‘Oh, err no, we don’t live together. It’s very early days.’ I look at my shoes, uncomfortable talking to Aiden about James. ‘He’s a business analyst, and he’s originally from Manchester, but he’s living down here in London.’
He tips his chin and looks at me searchingly. ‘When you say early days, how early is early?’
‘Two months or so.’
‘How did you meet?’
‘Oh God, is this the third degree, or something?’ I laugh awkwardly. ‘On the tube, going into work. I dropped my glove and he picked it up.’
‘Oh, very romantic.’
‘Well, not really.’ I clear my throat. ‘So how about you? Are you married, engaged, seeing anyone?’
‘Me? Nope. Don’t do relationships, remember.’
‘Ah.’ I frown slightly and nod. ‘All the travel. Where are you off to next?’
‘Home.’
‘Home?’
‘Ireland. I’m not going to be going anywhere further afield for a good while. To tell you the truth, I’m a bit fed up of travelling constantly.’
‘I never thought I’d hear you say that!’ I gaze at him, amazed.
‘No, well, it’s time to spend a bit of time at home, I think. I’m sticking around in London for a couple of weeks though, if you want to meet up?’
‘Yes, I’d like that,’ I reply, carefully, though inside I’m telling myself that I’ll cancel. I can do without stirring up old memories.
The Five-Year Plan: The utterly heart-warming and feel good rom com of 2020 Page 19