‘I don’t want that,’ I say. ‘I don’t know what I do want yet, but I definitely don’t want that.’
‘Okay.’ He settles back down, and I hear him swallow. ‘Do you want me to stay here with you? Or go back to the lounge?’
‘Stay with me.’
We lie quietly together, drawing comfort from each other’s warmth. I can tell from the way he’s breathing that he’s not asleep yet.
‘I never told you that my dad died last year,’ I say, without even realising I’m going to say it. The words just spill from my lips.
‘Oh no, I’m so sorry.’ His arm tightens around me. ‘What happened?’
‘He had cancer.’
‘Were you with him at the end?’
‘Yeah.’ A huge lump has appeared in my throat, and tears are stinging my nose as they do every time I picture my father lying in his hospital bed, with tubes going in and out of his body.
‘On your own? Or with one of his girlfriends?’
I shake my head. ‘Mum came. It was strange because they hadn’t spoken in years. I didn’t really know if he’d want to see her, but he did.’ A tear escapes from my eye and rolls down my face into my ear. I clamp my jaw shut. Why am I talking about this now? It’s still too raw. Aiden stays quiet, and I can tell he’s waiting for me to go on. When I eventually do, I whisper, ‘They held hands and it was like they made peace with each other. My dad said he was sorry, which I thought was weird because I always blamed my mum and her affair with Ray for the breakdown of their marriage.’
‘I suppose there must have been more going on than what you saw as a child.’
‘I suppose. It was just strange because I always thought they hated each other. When I talked to my mum after, she said she never really stopped loving him. Not completely. She said he just wasn’t cut out for marriage or family life, and she couldn’t stay married to him.’
‘Have you made peace with that part of your childhood now? You don’t still feel guilty, do you?’
I sigh, deeply. ‘No, not really. I wish I’d been a better daughter though. Maybe visited him more.’
‘It sounds like you were there when it mattered. That’s what counts.’
‘There was hardly anyone there at his funeral. Just a few workmates and me and Mum.’
‘No other family?’
‘He didn’t have anyone. My grandparents died when I was young, and he was an only child. No cousins, either.’ I close my eyes, feeling suddenly tired. Aiden presses a kiss to my shoulder.
‘Thank you for telling me,’ he whispers.
Chapter 22
The following morning, I wake up to find I’m still in Aiden’s arms. I feel such a rush of love for him that I kiss his cheek, waking him up too.
‘Morning, sleepy head,’ I say, clambering over him to go to the bathroom. ‘I’ve got work so I need to get up.’
‘Okay. I’ll make coffee.’ He yawns and stretches.
I smell more like him than myself, I think as I get into the shower. I sniff my shoulder and my arm, then grab a handful of hair and smell that too. It makes me happy that I smell of him, and I’m a little sad that I’m about to wash. It’s weird to think we slept in the same bed though. What happens now? Is he going to expect to sleep with me again tonight, and tomorrow and the night after that? Or was it just a one-off?
Aiden showers after me, while I change and make breakfast. He’s left the bathroom door open, and fingers of steam curl out into the kitchen where I’m pouring the milk onto my cereal. I don’t know why he has to leave the door open like that. I’ve already caught a glimpse of his naked backside through the shower screen, and though it wasn’t altogether unpleasant, I resent the fact he’s provided yet another image that will haunt my thoughts all day.
Aiden comes out of the shower before I’ve finished eating my breakfast, and stands in the bathroom doorway with a tiny towel wrapped around his waist, dripping water.
‘Aiden! You’re dripping wet!’ I say, pointing my spoon at the puddle he’s making on the floor.
‘I’ll dry it, don’t worry. Have you remembered the name of that pub yet?’
‘What pub?’
‘The one you’re meeting James in tonight.’
My stomach drops and I almost choke on my cereal. ‘You’re not coming!’ I say. ‘It would be too awkward.’
‘I don’t know what your problem is! It’s not like I’m going to challenge him to a duel or anything.’
‘I don’t want you there.’
‘Why?’
‘We slept in the same bed last night! I won’t be able to cope with you and him in the same room together.’
‘We didn’t have sex. It’s fine. Besides, I’m great with people! We’re sure to get on like a house on fire.’
Rolling my eyes, I turn away to rinse my bowl under the tap. ‘Right, well, I’m going to work now.’
‘Come on, just tell me the name of the pub.’
‘No.’
‘I’ll just try every pub in Covent Garden until I find you then.’
‘No, you won’t! Aiden!’ I cover my eyes as his towel slips south.
‘What?’ Laughing, he whips it up and uses it to rub his hair dry. ‘You’ve seen it all before, anyway.’
‘Yes, but … that was then and now I’m going to work.’ My cheeks are flaming hot as I grab my coat and bag and head out of the door.
‘I’ll find you in the pub later,’ he calls.
‘No, you won’t!’ I shout back as the door slams behind me.
*
Bloody hell! I’m so flustered, all I can think about all day is Aiden and what I’ll do if he turns up. I toy with the idea of phoning James and changing where we meet, but Emma and I are in court all day, following the trial of a gang of jewel thieves, and I don’t get a chance. I’m glad Emma’s with me because I keep drifting off into my own thoughts and I’m bound to have missed something important. Aiden’s really got under my skin though. I keep getting flashbacks to the moment his towel slipped, and sigh. Emma looks at me from the corner of her eye before turning her attention back to the defence barrister.
‘Is it hot in here?’ I ask Emma when there’s a break in proceedings.
‘No, I’m freezing,’ she says, pulling her suit jacket closer around her body.
‘Really?’ I fan myself with my hand. ‘Maybe I’m coming down with something.’
‘Maybe you are. You do look very red.’
At the end of the day, I check my phone and find a text from Aiden saying he might not make tonight after all. I almost sag with relief and then feel annoyed when I realise he must have only said he’d come to mess with my head. What kind of game is he playing? I hurry down the steps of the court with Emma at my heels and hail a cab. Emma chats about how interesting the day’s been and I find I can actually have a sensible conversation about it without worrying about tonight. Now that Aiden says he won’t come, I feel like a weight’s been lifted off my shoulders and I can finally look forward to seeing James.
It comes as a shock to realise, when it comes to getting ready, that I really don’t want to go out anymore. I sit on my bed, holding the clothes I’d planned to wear, wondering what to do. Should I cancel? There’s still time, and it’s not like James didn’t do it to me on Friday. But I tell myself I should go. I’ll feel better when I go. Who knows, seeing James again might just take my mind off Aiden. At the end of the day, I’ve been there, done that, and I know he’s just going to leave. James, on the other hand, is uncharted territory and that’s exciting. Plus, he lives in London, and his sensible, steady job means he’s not about to leave any time soon. Always a bonus in a boyfriend.
Decision made, I take a deep breath and go for a shower.
Two hours later, I’m sitting at a small round table in the pub, waiting for James to arrive. He’s ten minutes late, which is unusual for James, and the pint of mild I’ve bought for him and placed carefully on the beer mat opposite my gin cocktail makes me feel like I’m havin
g drinks with an imaginary friend.
My phone screen lights up with a message and I smile when I see it’s from James. Hi! Sorry, got held up! Be with you in ten!
At least he’s coming. I sip my drink and look around me. The bar is dimly lit and populated with professional-looking people chatting in groups by the bar, or sitting at little round tables. Tracing my finger down the condensation on my glass, I try in vain to keep my thoughts from wandering to Aiden again. I didn’t reply to his earlier message, and I haven’t heard from him since either. Idly, I wonder if he will turn up. I wouldn’t put it past him.
James enters the pub with his beige mac flapping and makes a bee line for me, looking flustered and apologetic. ‘Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry!’ he says, leaning down and kissing me on both cheeks. ‘I’ve come straight from work! It’s been absolutely mad today! Everything’s gone wrong!’
‘Oh no! You should have said. We could have done this another night.’
‘No, I already let you down on Friday, I didn’t want to do that again.’ Slipping off his mac, he drapes it over the back of his chair and stows his briefcase beneath the table. He’s still wearing his grey pinstripe work suit, and looks very smart, if a little red in the face. ‘You look beautiful, by the way. As you always do, of course. So what are you drinking?’
‘I’ve got one already, and so have you!’ I indicate the glasses on the table.
‘So you have!’ he laughs as he sits down opposite me. ‘Silly me!’
‘I got you a pint of mild? That’s your usual, isn’t it?’
‘Yes, fantastic! Thanks so much! I really needed this.’ His blue eyes close as he takes a good few gulps, and I watch his throat move as he swallows.
Oh God, I don’t fancy him at all.
‘How was Manchester?’ I ask. ‘Did you have fun at your grandmother’s birthday party?’
‘Yes, she turned 90. Still as fit as a fiddle and giving out orders. She’s always been a bit of a force to be reckoned with.’
‘Does she still live in her own home?’
‘Oh yes, goodness, she wouldn’t go in a home, and my dad certainly wouldn’t have her in his!’ He laughs loudly before taking another gulp of his beer. ‘No, she’s amazingly active for her age.’
‘Where did you have the party?’
He tells me about the party, and I smile as I listen, trying to find what I saw in him when I first agreed to meet him for a drink. He’s handsome enough, and sweet and jolly in a bumbling self-depreciating way, but the truth is I wish I was sitting here talking to Aiden. James’s rambling story about this grandmother’s party is quite dull, and shows no sign of ending any time soon. I only have myself to blame, I remind myself as I down the last of my drink. I did ask him about it, after all.
‘I’ll get you another drink,’ he says, getting to his feet as he notices my empty glass. ‘Same again?’
‘Yes, please.’
I look over at him while he’s at the bar ordering the drinks. His suit jacket strains across his shoulders as he braces himself on the bar, leaning forward to ask what crisps they have. He’s a nice man. The nicest man I’ve met for ages, in fact. Why don’t I fancy him? I could blame Aiden, of course, but I’m not sure that’s entirely true. I’m not sure I ever truly fancied James. It just took Aiden coming back to make me remember what it feels like to really desire someone.
I sigh and run a finger around the rim of my glass. I don’t want to hurt James, but I suppose it’s better to do it sooner than later. It’s not like I’ve known him long, after all.
Arriving back at the table with our drinks, he drops a packet of nuts into the centre of the table from between his clenched teeth.
‘Hope you don’t mind,’ he says, ripping open the bag. ‘I’m starving.’
‘Have you not eaten dinner?’
‘No time.’
‘Do you want to order something from the bar?’
‘Food’s finished. I just asked.’
‘We could go somewhere else?’
‘No, it’s okay, I’ll just get a kebab on the way home. Good excuse.’ He beams at me. ‘So how has your day been?’
‘Good. I’ve been in court all day. It’s been interesting.’
‘Really? What’s the case? Would I have heard of it?’
‘Possibly. It’s the one about the jewel thieves? They’ve been on the run for years. It’s fascinating stuff.’
‘Oh yes, I heard about that.’
We chat about the court case for a while, and then out of the corner of my eye I spot Aiden at the bar. He’s wearing a black shirt and dark jeans, and looks lean and dark and dangerous. My heart jolts to see him there and I draw in a sharp breath.
‘Are you alright?’ James asks.
‘Huh? Yes, I just spotted someone I know, that’s all.’
‘Oh really?’ He turns and peers around us. ‘Who’s that then?’
‘Just an old friend. Never mind. Carry on with what you were saying.’
‘I can’t remember what I was saying now.’ He scratches his head, looking confused, and I battle to keep my attention on him instead of Aiden, who’s now heading over towards us.
‘Orla!’ he says, jovially, his Irish accent seeming much more pronounced surrounded by London accents as he is now. ‘How the devil are you?’
I hesitate before offering a tight smile. My hands are already shaking. ‘Hello, Aiden,’ I say, before introducing him to James.
‘Hold on a minute,’ James says, pointing his finger at Aiden and looking from me to Aiden and back to me again. ‘That’s not … you’re not … The Aiden Byrne are you? From the television?’
‘The one and the same,’ I say drily.
‘My goodness!’ James grabs Aiden’s hand and pumps it vigorously, despite having shaken it just moments ago. ‘How wonderful to meet you! You know, I was terribly impressed when you dived into the Amazon river to retrieve your camera. So brave, so brave.’
‘So stupid, more like,’ I mutter.
‘Please, won’t you join us?’
‘Are you sure?’ Aiden looks surprised to be invited, despite the fact that’s what he intended all along. ‘Well, if you’re sure I’m not intruding, thank you so much.’
Dragging a chair over from the next table, he sits down and smiles at us both. His hair, so short by his previous standards, now looks long and unruly compared to James’s closely cropped fuzzy blond curls.
‘So how do you two know each other?’ James asks, eagerly. ‘You never said you knew Aiden Byrne, Orla!’
‘Didn’t I? Well, I haven’t seen him for years.’ I shrug, trying not to betray the extent of my panic. ‘We met in my hometown of Hawksley when I was sent to interview him for the local paper I worked on.’
‘Really? What were you doing in a backwater place like Hawksley, Aiden?’ James laughs.
‘Studying otters in the local river. It was a magical place really. So quiet that I managed to get shots of the otters in the daytime as well as at night. Orla used to come and watch them with me, didn’t you, Orla?’ He looks at me and I look quickly away, swirling my drink round in my glass so the ice cubes clink on the sides.
‘Yeah, they were lovely,’ I say, vaguely.
James blinks. ‘Were you two together as a couple then?’
‘No, just friends,’ Aiden says, picking up his pint and taking a long slow sip. ‘I was only there a few weeks then I went to India.’
‘Wow! India! You must have been to some amazing places,’ James says, his face aglow as he gazes at Aiden. He’s certainly never looked at me like that. Maybe I don’t need to feel bad about ending it after all.
‘I have.’
‘Where’s the best place you’ve ever been?’
Aiden opens his mouth to answer then hesitates, looking at me. He’s got a glint in his eye that makes my stomach drop, and I swear if he says Hawksley I’ll pass out.
‘Erm, well, it’s hard to pick any one particular place. There’s beauty to be found everywhe
re, and I’ve seen amazing wildlife and amazing landscapes all over the world. India was amazing. South Africa was absolutely beautiful. Borneo, too, was really wonderful. I feel so privileged to have been to those places and seen the things I’ve seen.’
‘Is there anywhere you still want to go?’
‘Not at the moment.’ Aiden folds his arms, resting his elbows on the table. ‘I want to spend some time at home in Ireland for a while. I’ve been travelling since I left university, and I’m pretty worn out.’
‘Really? Gosh! Is that it for you then?’
Aiden shrugs. ‘I still might travel in the future, but not like I have been doing. Not for months and months on end, going from one country to another. I want to spend some time with my family. My parents aren’t getting any younger and my brother’s hoping to start a family. I don’t want to be a stranger. Plus, I have a project in Ireland coming up that will keep me busy for the next year at least.’
‘You never know when those itchy feet will set in though.’ James laughs and slaps Aiden on the arm. ‘You’re a nomad. Can a nomad ever settle down?’
Aiden shrugs. ‘I think so. Why not? I love Ireland. I’ve really missed it these past couple of years. It’ll be a relief to get back there.’
A relief? I feel an unreasonable stab of disappointment that he can’t wait to leave me and get back there.
‘So, what are you doing in London then?’
‘Didn’t Orla tell you?’ Aiden’s eyebrows shoot up as he glances at me. ‘I’ve got an exhibition running at the Hayward Gallery.’
‘It’s the one I went to last week,’ I say, stiffly. ‘This is the first time I’ve seen you since.’
‘Oh of course, my bad, I had to cancel, didn’t I?’ James guffaws heartily. ‘We should go though, Orla. You can show me around if you’ve already seen it.’
‘Yes, we should,’ I say, feigning enthusiasm.
‘Maybe at the weekend?’
‘Okay.’
‘Oh, actually no, I’ve got something on this weekend. It’ll have to be the following week. Sorry.’ James looks flustered, patting down his pockets as though he’s looking for something.
The Five-Year Plan: The utterly heart-warming and feel good rom com of 2020 Page 27