by Ashlee Price
"Oh. Okay."
I frown. "You don't look happy. Is something wrong?"
"No, no." She shakes her head. "And I am happy... for you. This is good. It's really good. I'm just... tired."
"I bet you are. After all that relaxation, you had to go and deliver a baby."
She tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. "Yeah. I'm just tired."
I open the door to the passenger seat. "Then let's get home, shall we?"
Chapter Twenty-Three
Marian
I'm happy for Dustin, I think as I take a bite out of my apple in the hospital cafeteria. Really, I am.
The problem is that his good news was eclipsed by what he said just before - the revelation I find the more shocking of the two.
Dustin was the guy in the car, the first man I had sex with. My memories of that night are vague because I was drinking more than I should have been to celebrate my admission to medical school - and yes, that's why I don't drink so much anymore. But I do remember meeting a guy in the parking lot. I remember he was charming, though I can't remember much of what he said. I remember being inside the car having sex, though not how I ended up there. And strangely, I remember the box of wipes from the glove compartment.
Why? I don't know. Maybe because the sex had cleared my mind a bit by then. Maybe because I had a hard time cleaning myself up, being drunk and all. Or maybe because it was while I was cleaning myself up that I first felt a sense of disappointment, something which crashed down on me heavily the morning after when I realized what I'd done.
I beat myself up over it for weeks, especially the week when I got scared that I might be pregnant. Having a baby and not remembering the father? What could be scarier than that? What could be stupider?
Oh, right - getting married without knowing it.
Why is it that the two stupidest things in my life have involved Dustin?
Anyway, I know now it was him. It's not just the wipes. It's like when we had sex in that car, something clicked into place. My gut just started screaming it.
Dustin is the first man I was with. And now he's my husband. How weird is that? I mean, a lot of women end up with the first man they have sex with, or vice versa - they have sex for the first time with the man they marry. But in my case, I had sex with him, couldn't remember him, forgot him - strange, I know, to have to forget someone you can't remember - and moved on with my life only to end up marrying him six years later, again without my full knowledge.
I don't know if it's genius or just mean.
A part of me wishes I hadn't figured it out, because now, it bothers me. Maybe it shouldn't. Maybe I should consider myself lucky, or just laugh at the coincidence. Maybe I should be happy that it seems like Dustin and I are meant to be. But it bothers me.
I take a bigger bite of my apple and it gives a particularly loud crunch. An intern turns her head towards me.
I ignore her and keep chewing. I'm not really hungry, but sometimes eating fruit helps with my stress. And I am stressed.
"Marian?" Lisa asks as she walks briskly towards me.
Something tells me I have more stress coming up.
"What?" I ask her.
"There's a man in the pit looking for you."
~
My first thought is that it's Dustin, and that scares me so much I rush downstairs to the pit and end up nearly tripping, bumping into Dr. Townsend and knocking over a supply cart.
When I get to the emergency room, though, I see Liam.
An intern is stitching up a cut in his left arm that runs from his wrist to about two inches before the inside of his elbow.
I shake my head. "Liam Powell, what on earth did you do?"
He looks up at me and smiles. "I realized that maybe dying was better than living without you."
I sigh. The intern rolls his eyes.
"I'll take over," I tell him.
He takes off. I occupy the stool he just vacated and continue with the sutures.
Liam's smile grows wider. "It's nice to see you, Marian."
"I thought you wanted to die."
But of course he didn't, not really. If he did, he would have shot himself in the head, waded out into the ocean, or at least stabbed a major artery. No, he just wanted my attention.
Unfortunately, he has it now.
"Do you want me to die?" he asks.
I make a mental note to get someone from Psychiatry when I'm done with the sutures.
"I'm a doctor, Liam," I tell him. "I don't want anyone to die."
"Then be my best friend again." He places his hand over mine.
Not this again.
I shrug off his hand. "I need to stitch you up, Liam."
He lifts his head. "You're not wearing your ring. Did you get a divorce?"
I shake my head. "I don't wear my ring here at the hospital. It's too valuable and it catches too much attention."
"Are you getting a divorce?"
"No."
I mean, we're supposed to next year, but lately I've been trying not to think about that.
"Do you love him?" he asks.
I pause. I don't really want to answer the question, but I know if I don't say I love Dustin, which I do, it will give Liam false hope. And if I start giving him false hope now just to keep him alive, we'll both just end up suffering more.
"Yes," I answer honestly.
"And does he love you?"
I pause longer, because this time, I don't know the answer.
Dustin and I have been having sex, but I'm not sure if that's the same as making love. He clearly cares for me. He takes good care of me. He's proud of me and he said he wanted to make me proud. And there are times after we have sex that he looks into my eyes and I see something more than just the embers of desire. But I still can't be sure.
Does he love me? God, I wish I knew.
"Liam, stop asking questions about things that are none of your business," I say as I try to focus on my stitches.
"But I want us to be best friends again. I want to know everything that's going on with you."
"But we're not best friends anymore," I point out. "We're not anything anymore."
He falls silent. When I glance at him, he looks like he's going to cry.
Oh no. Was that too harsh? He's not going to attempt suicide again, is he?
"But Liam, that doesn't mean you're a bad person," I add just to console him. "We lost what we had, but you still have a lot of other things. You still have your mother who loves you."
"I hate my mother," he spits out.
Right. Because she's controlling. And yet he can't see that he's the same way.
"And your sister, Eileen. Do you want me to call her?"
"And tell her what? That we broke up?"
My eyebrows arch. "You haven't told her?"
Liam shakes his head. "I haven't told anyone."
Okay.
"Not even your best friend, Eli?"
"He's not my best friend. You are."
And we're going around in circles.
I keep my mouth shut and try to finish stitching faster so I can call Psych already.
"I love you, Marian," he confesses.
My lips purse. Why can't I stitch faster?
"You're the best thing that's ever happened to me."
He realizes this now?
"I'm lost without you."
I say nothing.
"You deserve to be with a man who loves you."
Wow. That's the most sensible thing he's said so far.
Well, Dustin loves me... I think.
"Marian..."
"Just be quiet, Liam," I tell him. "Let me do my work. Rest. You look tired."
"I am tired, tired of being without you. I haven't been sleeping or eating much lately."
No wonder he's lost weight.
"I can't sleep or eat."
"I might be able to give you something for that."
"All I need is you."
I swear I'm going to give him something to put him to sleep
if I don't finish stitching him up in the next two minutes.
"Well, I need to concentrate. If you can't be quiet, maybe you can hum for me instead?"
Anything to shut him up.
"I'll hum your favorite song."
And he starts to hum "A Summer Place", which brings to mind the summer when we went to Thailand. At least it's a happy memory.
Finally, I finish. I put away my stuff and stand up.
Liam frowns. "Where are you going?"
I put up a finger. "I'll be back."
Except that's a lie. I don't want to see him again in this hospital, and I won't have to because he'll be in the Psychiatric Ward. Hopefully, they can really help him and get him back on track so that when he leaves, he'll finally be able to move on and I'll never see him again.
With those intentions in my mind, I board the elevator to the sixth floor. It's only gone up a floor, though, when I feel it start to spin.
I place a hand on my forehead and another against the wall in an effort to maintain my balance. What the hell? Aren't elevators supposed to go up and down, not spin?
The door opens. When a nurse comes in, I grab her arm.
"Help."
That's the only word I manage before my mind blacks out.
~
When I come to, I'm already on a gurney. Kelly is one of the people wheeling me.
"What happened?" I ask her.
"You fainted in the elevator," she tells me. "You seem fine, but we'll run some tests to be sure. Anything else you can tell me about how you've been feeling?"
"Tired," I answer. "Just tired most of the time."
Kelly nods, then glances at the nurse beside her. "Get a blood sample and run it through the lab."
"Yes, Doctor," the nurse answers.
"Just rest, Marian," Kelly tells me.
I don't argue with her. I just close my eyes. Before long, I find myself drifting off again.
~
This time, when I wake up, I'm in a hospital bed. Dr. Fuller is the one by my side.
"Hey," he says.
"Hey," I say back.
My first thought is: Where's Kelly? But then I remember that she's still not talking to me, not as a friend. Besides, she must have other patients to attend to.
I glance at the tube connected to my hand. "What's the IV for?"
"Just rehydration," Dr. Fuller tells me.
My eyebrows crease. "I'm dehydrated?"
Well, I guess I haven't been drinking as much as I should, probably because I've been going to the restroom a lot lately and I wanted to cut down on my trips.
"Have you been having headaches?" he asks me.
"You mean aside from the ones every doctor is supposed to get?"
He grins. "Have you been eating well? Any nausea?"
"I was nauseous after I zip-lined."
"You zip-lined?"
I narrow my eyes at him. "Why are you making that sound like it's a crime? Wait. I don't have a serious heart condition, do I? Or an aneurysm?"
"You haven't been having seizures we don't know about, have you?" Dr. Fuller asks.
I shake my head. "No."
"Marian, you have no heart condition and no aneurysm," he tells me.
"So I'm fine?" I ask him.
Because I have a feeling there's something he's not telling me.
"For a pregnant woman, you're quite healthy," Dr. Fuller answers.
My eyes grow wide. My head rises off the pillow.
"What?"
His eyes widen as well. "You didn't know?"
I shake my head. "Are you sure?"
He sighs. "Here I thought it was another of your secrets. Yes, I'm sure. Your blood test shows high levels of HCG."
My mind races. When was the last time I had my period? Wait, hasn't Dustin been wearing condoms? And none of them broke, right? So I can't be pregnant.
Or so I think until I remember the first time Dustin and I had sex, that time on the farm. He didn't use a condom then.
How long has it been since then? Two months?
"How far along am I?" I ask.
"Seven weeks."
That's what I thought.
I clasp my hand over my gaping mouth. Holy shit. I'm pregnant.
I'm pregnant.
"Congratulations," Dr. Fuller tells me. "And don't worry, no one else has to know. Patient confidentiality."
I don't answer. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around this new piece of information.
I'm pregnant.
As I glance down at my belly, the first feeling that washes over me is joy. I'm having a baby. There's a human being developing inside me. Just yesterday, I delivered a baby, and now I'm having one of my own.
The second feeling that sinks in is concern. I look at Dr. Fuller.
"Is my baby healthy? Because I've been drinking coffee, maybe a bit of wine..."
"And you zip-lined?"
"Yes, I hiked and zip-lined." I run my hands through my hair. "And I've been having a lot of sex."
"Okay."
Shit. I can't believe I just blurted that last bit out.
"To answer your question, Dr. Hansen was able to hear your baby's heartbeat."
I give Dr. Fuller a puzzled look. "So Dr. Hansen knows?"
"She's the best OB-GYN at this hospital."
Great.
"You can ask her to do an ultrasound now that you're awake."
"Yeah." I nod. "I think I will ask her to do that."
"I can ask someone to call her now," Dr. Fuller offers.
"Thanks."
He leaves the room. Now that I'm alone, a third emotion seeps in - fear.
I'm having a baby, which means I'm becoming a mother. I don't know how to be a mother. I know nothing about babies. Well, I know every part of their bodies, but that's not going to be enough.
I'm not ready for this, not when I'm not even sure Dustin loves me. For all I know, he's counting the days until we get divorced just as we initially agreed on. And he's not ready for a baby. What if he leaves me when he finds out, just like he left me in the car that first time we had sex?
I swallow at that thought. If Dustin leaves me, I won't just have a broken heart. I'll have to go through this pregnancy alone, give birth alone and raise a child alone, which means I may even have to give up being a doctor.
I place my hand on my belly.
Can I get through this all on my own?
Chapter Twenty-Four
Dustin
"Are you alright?" I ask Marian as I come out of the bathroom.
She's sitting on the bed, spacing out. Again. Just like she was earlier when she was brushing her teeth and the toothbrush seemed frozen in her mouth with toothpaste dripping down her chin. Or at dinner before she decided she wasn't hungry. Or that moment when she was just sitting in her car long after she'd killed the engine.
The proof of that is that she jumps when she hears my voice.
"I... I'm fine."
She lies down on the bed and turns away. Half her body fades from view beneath the thick maroon covers.
I go up the stairs to the canopied bed and crawl under those same covers until I'm right beside Marian.
"Hey." I prop my head on my arm. "Bad day at the hospital? You know you can tell me about it."
"I'm okay."
So she really doesn't want to talk, huh? Fine. I will.
"I spoke to Adam today. He's the guy I used to do robotics stuff with. He's working on something else, but he has some of our old research notes and he's sending me those."
Marian says nothing.
"Also, I was thinking of attending a seminar just to be updated with the technology, though I doubt much has changed that I haven't anticipated. I might be leaving next week."
She turns her head. "You're leaving?"
"To attend a seminar."
"Oh."
I narrow my gaze. "You haven't been listening?"
She turns away again. "I've had a long day, Dustin. I need to sleep."
"Why are you asking for my permission? You don't have to."
"I'm not. I'm keeping you updated."
"Because?"
My eyebrows furrow. What does she mean "because"?
"Because you're my wife."
"Am I?"
Now she's really acting weird.
"Ah. So you want me to remind you, hmm?"
I try to wrap an arm around her, but Marian swats it away.
"I'm tired, Dustin. I mean it."
"I..."
"I'm not a whore."
Okay.
I move away from her. "I was just going to hug you."
Marian glances over her shoulder. "Why?"
Again, I don't understand what she means. Haven't I been hugging her?
"Do I need a reason?" I ask her.
She sighs, then pulls the cover up to her shoulders. "I'm going to sleep. Turn off the lights."
"Yes, ma'am."
I do as she asks. Afterwards, I gaze at her in the darkness.
Something is definitely going on with Marian. Maybe she doesn't want to tell me. That's fine. But if she thinks I'm just going to let her sulk, I won't.
I grin. I know exactly how to cheer her up.
~
"Flowers?" Marian eyes the bouquet in my hand with dismay.
Okay. This isn't exactly the reaction I was hoping for.
"You don't like flowers?" I ask her. "Or you just don't like me bringing them here to your workplace?"
She crosses her arms over her chest. "I'm busy, Dustin."
If she's not tired, she's busy. It's one thing or the other.
"I know that," I tell her. "I know you have lives to save. I just wanted to make you smile."
Yet Marian isn't smiling at all. Quite the opposite - the corners of her mouth are drooping in a pout. And this time, she doesn't look the least bit attractive. Just annoyed.
"Dr. Carver?" An intern - or is she a resident, too? - approaches.
Dr. Carver? So she hasn't told everyone about her marriage to me? Has she told anyone?
"Yes?" Marian answers.
"I need to ask you some questions about Liam Powell," the other doctor says.
My eyebrows go up. "Liam Powell? As in Liam, your crazy ex?"
"Don't call him crazy," Marian scolds me.
Why is she suddenly defending him?
"Liam is here at this hospital right now?" I ask.
"He's a patient, yes," Marian answers.