by Danny Gokey
I didn’t know what I was more grateful for: the fact that I survived another week or the fact that I was able to avoid dealing with what life would look like if this didn’t work out the way I hoped it might. I remember thinking to myself that if this didn’t work out, I didn’t know what I was going to do next.
That’s a hard way to live. Maybe you’re not living a life that is on the stage with millions of viewers on the other end of the camera waiting for you to fail or succeed. Maybe you’d never even be on a show like American Idol. That doesn’t matter. Living with a sense of failure is something that haunts all of us at some point and in some way.
It can become easy to give in to the expectations of others, especially those you perceive to be better than you in some way. Just remember that not everyone who appears to be living a perfect life really is. Whatever advice or correction you are given should not be assumed to be without flaw. Be careful which people you allow the honor of influencing your decisions and shaping your life.
The challenge is not to allow fear to chase you into submitting to others’ expectations. Instead, let fear activate the desires of your heart and the dreams of your spirit to see that hope is real. That is when failure is transformed into opportunity, defeat is transformed into victory, and dead ends become the next steps in discovering your purpose.
More Than Music
There is no doubt the judges make the show much of what it is. They are certainly who they are in real life. What you see on TV is accurate. Those are their personalities. But all of them absolutely understand what it takes to make good TV.
After seeing them on TV the previous season, I thought they looked smaller when I saw them in person. It was just different. TV makes everyone look bigger than they are in real life. I don’t mean bigger in size; I mean larger than life. I’m talking more about perception than science.
We used to joke that Simon was the father (or the godfather), Paula was the mom, and Randy was the big brother. You wanted all of them to like you, but each of them spoke into your experience in a unique and specific way. Still, seeing them behind the table at the audition and later after every performance was daunting and overwhelming. You were never quite sure how they were going to react. You always hoped they liked what you did, but you could never know for sure.
I get asked a lot if I had personal interaction with the judges like the contestants do on The Voice and The X Factor, where the judges directly mentor the contestants. For the most part, we saw the judges only when the audience did on performance nights. Don’t get me wrong: They gave us input, but we didn’t have a lot of direct interaction with them.
In addition, they may call it the music business, but I can assure you there is not an equal preference given to music and business. The show is about music, singing, and performing, yet I did less of that than anything else while on the show. That was shocking to me.
There were photo shoots, sponsor appearances, special events, TV and radio spots, and many other obligations that filled our schedules. It was a huge learning curve for me and something not everyone fully understands or gets to experience by just watching.
American Idol is a success on two fronts: It helps discover new talent, and it creates such a buzz that it is able to command top dollar for advertising spots, sponsorships, and similar revenue-generating endeavors. I’m not saying that I don’t respect the business part in the music business. It was just something new for me, and I had to learn to get used to it and adjust. The strange thing is that it quickly becomes normal and you stop questioning, wondering, and being surprised.
A Beautiful Song
The pressure was coming down harder and harder as the weeks went by. The fewer the contestants, the brighter the spotlight. People love cheering for the underdog, and I held that position until the end.
Still, I had to intentionally separate myself each week from the reality that this could be my last week. I knew I couldn’t win if I focused on staying another week. That’s no way to win a competition because it doesn’t allow you to take risks. You can’t hold back when you are competing on a show like American Idol.
I knew that my only chance of winning was to pour myself out on the stage, and that’s what I did. Some of my best performances were “PYT (Pretty Young Thing),” “Come Rain or Shine,” and “You Are So Beautiful.” My lowest weeks were the ones when I gave in to the pressure and started thinking about the people on the other end of the camera and the judges behind the table.
In addition, getting to sing with Lionel Richie and be mentored by Randy Travis was amazing. In fact, it was Randy Travis who encouraged me to pursue country music once the show was over. He said he was of the opinion that country music could use some more soul.
In the midst of it all, I learned that it was okay to be me, even if I was a mess inside. I knew who I was. There is a strange freedom that comes from living with an extreme amount of pain. We forget about all the expectations we’ve internalized from others. We lose the ability to keep track of what others say, think, and believe about us.
They tell you when you make the show not to look at what people are saying about you online and to avoid any feedback and commentary from anyone other than yourself, the judges, voice coaches, and show producers. But of course you can’t help but look. I quickly learned what they meant. Whoever said all press is good press has never had their wife’s death used against them, their words twisted, and their intentions questioned. It never occurred to me that my story could be used against me.
I came across a cartoon-like drawing that was supposed to be me dragging Sophia out of her casket and a caption that read, “Danny, stop capitalizing on my death to make yourself famous. Let me rest in peace.” That was tough to read and see. The person who posted this drawing argued that I was wrongfully using my loss of Sophia to win the show. Nothing could be further from the truth. The pain I felt inside was too real for it to be some ploy to gang the system and win.
I quickly realized I couldn’t focus on negative things because it was affecting me. I started having nightmares and woke up crying at night. Had I been focused on things that were encouraging and uplifting, I wouldn’t have struggled, but I was focusing on something that really got me off track. It affected my thinking, and I had to take my eyes off that negativity. It affected my sleep patterns and my performance. I learned very quickly that the power of what we focus on really does affect our thinking and even our health. It was destroying me, and I literally felt sick. When you’re looking at the wrong things and not focused on hope, it affects you.
No matter where you are in life, you will be pulled in a lot of different directions. You will be presented with a lot of different ideas. You will be expected to be, say, and do a lot of different things. Never forget to stay true to what you know is true, even if it seems impossible. It’s so easy to get lost in the noise and forget that hope contains the rhythm that turns notes into melodies, words into lyrics, and arrangements into masterpieces. Your life is a beautiful song. If you are brave enough to sing it in your way, you will discover a hope that will carry you, and those around you will be challenged to do the same.
While I was on the show, I got lots of e-mails and letters from people who were going through struggles. There was a woman in particular whose boyfriend had committed suicide a few months before, and she too was contemplating taking her own life. On the night she was contemplating suicide, she heard me crying on TV and walked up to the TV and heard my story. She found so much hope in my story that she decided not to do it.
You have greater influence on others than you may realize or think. There may be people depending on you to make it, and you may not even realize it right now. Sometimes what you’re going through is bigger than you. You could be someone else’s hope and strength to make it through another day.
Imagine if I would have caved in to the dark thoughts during my depression. I’d have missed the opportunity to help so many people, especially now at Sophia’s Heart. B
ut because I had hope, I was able to give hope to others as well.
Sometimes we need to look at the bigger picture. What if what you’re going through has nothing to do with you and it’s for someone else? There is a domino effect. If you cling to hope and make it through, you’re going to be strength for someone else. You’re going to be hope for others who think they can’t make it. You never know who you can inspire. What if you are the person who will give hope to someone who will start the next rehab center for thousands of drug addicts? It may be unseen to you while you’re in the middle of something tough, but your life is something bigger and means more than just what you’re going through now.
My End Was a Beginning
Most people think being voted off a show like American Idol would be disappointing. For me, while I certainly wanted to win, when my time came to an end, it was a release of all the pressure and somewhat of a relief. But I was also proud of myself. Ten months before, I stood at my wife’s casket and wanted to die along with her. And now I was in the top three, and I had never been in the bottom three. Eighty-eight million people voted for that results show. It was an accomplishment even though I didn’t win.
Simon Cowell gave me some great advice. He said, “Don’t worry about genre; just make good music. Good music sells.” That wisdom has stuck with me to this day and is some of the best career advice I’ve ever received.
During my exit interview as I was leaving the show, I said that I saw my music as a movement. I’m sure this sounded crazy. I could see it in my mind, but I admit I had no idea exactly how it would take shape. But after saying that, I started working toward that.
When I left the show, I had a purpose that kept me going. I had the promise of a music career because I had made it so far on the show, but I also had a developing vision for Sophia’s Heart. The motivation to honor Sophia’s memory was still fresh and strong, which forged a determination in me to make something happen.
During the show, someone offered to donate two thousand dollars to each of the top ten contestants’ charities of choice. Even though the vision wasn’t fully formed and Sophia’s Heart only existed on paper at that point, both Kris Allen and Michael Sarver believed in it enough to choose Sophia’s Heart as their beneficiary. I was honored. They saw something in it before the vision had even been expanded on.
Strong Enough to Be You
Life can be overwhelming. The temptation is real to start looking for approval from others. In my case, I could have easily hinged my entire self-worth on the judge’s decision and what other people thought of me, but I didn’t. I was so messed up that all I could think about was doing a good job for Sophia, which — ironically — may have saved me from falling into that trap. Nevertheless, it is easy to redirect our attention to other people and look for affirmation from external sources.
Instead, you should look within. You must recognize that you are a beautiful person. You are uniquely gifted. That’s why it’s important to get comfortable in your own skin.
You are smart enough.
You are good-looking enough.
You are talented enough.
You have the capacity to be and accomplish whatever exists within the depths of your heart. You can make it. I know it’s possible, because I have lived it.
I had a unique set of judges who decided whether or not I would make it on the show. But everyone is faced with a group of judges who we think determine our fate. That simply isn’t true. No one decides your fate but you. If you don’t voice what you know to be true, others will make you who they think you are. This is why it’s so important that you find the strength to be you. Don’t try to be someone else. Don’t try to be perfect. Don’t try to live up to the expectations of other people. Instead, start living from a place within you that represents the truth and beauty of who you are and who you were created to be.
You are strong enough to keep being you. Follow your heart and the hope you have. Pay attention to those people and experiences that make your heart skip a beat inside. Those are insights into who you are and who you are becoming.
Even if you have denied who you are up to this point, you don’t have to continue in that same direction. Live in your own lane. And don’t use your turn signal until you know that the desire to switch lanes is coming from the hope and truth of who you really are that resides within you. That’s when you find true freedom. It will give you a whole new sense of feeling alive. In fact, being who you were created to be — and celebrating that — is the only life worth living.
Before you can love with your whole heart, it must be yours to give away.
Before you can live with reckless abandon, it must be yours to live.
Before you can have faith, it must be yours to possess.
What is before us is greater than what is behind us. The divine gift of hope you’ve been given has been specifically crafted with you in mind. When you are strong enough to be you and keep being you, you’ll find what you’ve been looking for.
You are a divine gift to the world. You were created with unique talents and abilities that afford you the ability to do things not everyone can do. That doesn’t mean you have to sing onstage, reside on a bookshelf, or paint on a canvas. In fact, the greatest gift you can give someone else will never be able to be captured through concerts, books, or paintings. The gift is love.
We were created to have relationships with people. But too often we exchange the purity of connecting with another human being for the expectations of culture: to live in front of a screen, drive in the fast lane, and get while the getting is good.
What good is achieving success or living out others’ expectations of us if we lose ourselves in the process? I would rather stay true to my own voice and follow the desires of my heart and skip success than give all my uniqueness away and live by an expectation defined by someone else. I want to live a little more dangerously. I don’t just want a career in music; I want to use music to inspire people to break free from whatever is holding them back from lunging toward their divine destiny.
You already have everything you need to be a stunning success. It’s okay to listen to the advice of people who are farther down the path than you are and have been where you are, but never exchange the desires of your heart for anything this world has to offer. The strength of your hope depends on your ability to reach forward in a direction no one has likely gone before or at least in the way you will. The gift is you, so don’t try to be anyone else.
Chapter 13
A Greater Plan
You have to hope there’s something better coming or you won’t move toward it.
Forward motion creates momentum. Having something to live for and look forward to can give us the energy we need to pull us through our questions and doubt. It is the single-greatest catalyst we can experience to create personal change.
American Idol positioned me on a platform I likely never would’ve had access to outside the show. With that platform, momentum started building and things began to take off. Even though I didn’t end up winning, landing in the top three secured the public interest I needed to attract the attention of the industry. In other words, the show put me in front of the right people — the people who had the power to sign me to a record label.
When you make American Idol, you are signed to the record label 19 Records. Once the show was finished, Sony Music had the option to sign me or release me to talk to other labels. Sony exercised their right to sign me, and I was assigned to Sony Music in Nashville. I was fortunate to leave the show with a deal in hand, as that wasn’t the case for everyone.
Immediately after the show, we began practicing for the American Idol tour, which began in June. The pressure was off, the show was over, and now it was time to have some fun. We got to learn what it was like to live on the road. Going from city to city as quickly as we did was exhausting and exhilarating at the same time. I went from one of the world’s largest stages to having a record contract and being on tour. Things were rea
lly looking up.
Once the tour ended, the real work began. With my label in Nashville, it only made sense that I should be in Nashville too. I had moved away from Milwaukee once before, but back then I was running away from things I didn’t know how to deal with. I was restless and just needed to get away and change my environment.
This move wasn’t anything like that. I was in a different place in my life now. Nashville started to seem like the best option, considering all the new and different things emerging in my life. I felt as though this time I was running toward something.
It seemed like the best decision, so I decided to make the move. I was sorry to leave behind my hometown. I will always be a Milwaukee native, and I will cheer for only the Green Bay Packers. I was just going to have to do that from Nashville now.
Gaining Momentum
Immediately, the next phase of my career started ramping up. I had meetings with record executives and started planning out the next phases of my career, which included award shows and television appearances to gain exposure before my first album released. I was sitting with writers, picking songs, and spending time in the studio right away. I had the opportunity to work with amazing studio musicians who have worked with the best in the industry.
The opportunities I had hoped for and prayed about for years were finally playing out before my eyes. It was surreal. Having my own tour bus right after the show was something I had only dreamed about. It’s a small thing, but to me that was a sign of success. Suddenly people recognized me on the street. Fans actually wanted to buy tickets to see me at my own shows. It was time to seize the opportunity and ride the wave.