She stands up and comes over to hug me. I hug her back mechanically, feeling even more drained than I did when I walked in the house.
“When will Hazel be here?” she asks, pulling away. “Vi said she won’t want to come get her nails done, but I at least want to invite her.”
Ugh. I really don’t feel like doing this right now, but I guess I might as well get it out of the way.
“She’s on a field trip and the bus isn’t getting back until eight tonight,” I say, dreading the rest of what I need to tell her.
“Oh, okay. I’ll just see her when I get back from the salon. Maybe we can go for ice cream or something.”
“Jenna…”
“What?”
“What’s for dinner?” Vi asks me, walking into the kitchen.
Either I can confront Jenna about this, or Hazel will have to. Better me than her.
“Hazel doesn’t want to see you,” I tell my sister.
She wrinkles her face in confusion. “What?”
“Remember last time you came? How upset she was when you left?”
Jenna rolls her eyes, lined like always in dramatic black eyeliner. “That was forever ago. And it’s not like I can stay forever. I had to go.”
Hazel was devastated when Jenna left after being here for a week, which was a little over a year ago. Jenna didn’t get to see her play soccer, which she had really been looking forward to. She hasn’t responded to her mother’s texts in months, but Jenna apparently wasn’t paying much attention. Nothing new.
“She’s going to stay with my friend Kelly while you’re here,” I tell Jenna.
Jenna narrows her eyes. “What? No. I want to see my daughter, Allie.”
“Well, she doesn’t want to see you. I’m not going to force her.”
“Why are you always such a bitch to me?”
I close my eyes and take a breath, so damn close to losing it. If Vi wasn’t in the kitchen right now…
“I don’t even talk to you, Jenna. And we don’t call each other names like that in this house.”
“You sound just like Mom. You’re exactly like her, you know.”
I shrug. “I can think of much worse people to be like.”
“Where’s Max? Have you convinced him to hate me too?”
“Max is at a track meet in Concord. And you can ask any of the kids, I rarely say anything about you, and it’s never bad.”
“Hazel better be here tonight.” Jenna flips her bleached blond hair over her shoulder and crosses her arms.
I rub my temple and kick my shoes off. “Look, I’m not doing this.”
“I hate rotisserie chicken,” Vi says, walking back into the living room.
“I’ll take you out for dinner,” Jenna says. “Get your stuff and we’ll go.”
Vi looks at me, silently seeking permission.
“Vi, get your stuff,” Jenna says firmly.
“She knows she needs to ask first,” I say. “House rules.”
“I’m her mother. I don’t need permission to take my daughter out for the night.”
“You might not need permission, but she does, because I’m her legal guardian.”
“Guys, please don’t fight,” Vi says pleadingly.
I shake my head. She’s right. Jenna’s never been a good mom, but I’ve always tried to make sure that when she does take the time to pay attention to her children for a few days a year, it’s a positive experience for them.
“Dinner and the nail appointment is fine,” I tell Vi. “You need to come right home after, though, and get your homework done.”
“I don’t have homework.”
“Okay, good.”
She comes over to hug me. “Bye, love you.”
“Love you, too. Have fun.” I kiss the top of her head. “And no hair color until we’ve discussed it more.”
“Okay.”
Jenna huffs. “You’re unbelievable. You always have to be in control of everything.”
There are so many things I could say, but why bother? Jenna just doesn’t get it. She never has. She has no idea what it really means to be a mom. Or, what it should mean.
I walk into the bedroom to change into sweats, and by the time I come back out, Jenna and Vi are gone. I have just enough time to scarf down some chicken and macaroni and text Kelly about Hazel staying over a few days early. Then I go buy Max’s new track shoes and come home to pack a bag for Hazel so I can pick her up at eight and take her to Kelly and Ross’ house.
So much for that glass of wine on the back porch.
Nine
Easy
“Heads up, guys,” I tell the kids gathered in a circle on the ice. “This is what I’m talking about.”
I use the stick Cade loaned me to pass him the puck. He slides it right back to me and I fire it into the net.
“He almost missed,” I hear a boy say in a low tone.
“Not every shot gets sent down the middle,” I say pointedly.
“Don’t let ‘em get to you,” Cade says, smirking.
Ignoring him, I say, “Okay, guys, get in line and I’m gonna pass the puck back to you like Coach Donovan just passed it to me. I want you to take your best shot.”
The youth hockey league is open to kids between the ages of eight and fifteen, and there’s a wide range of skill levels. Some of the kids can barely skate. One of the kids misses my easy pass, then trips and falls.
“You’re okay,” I tell him. “We’ll try again.”
Allie’s niece Hazel is up next, and she fires the puck into the back of the net like she’s done it a thousand times.
“Nice,” I say, edging another puck out for the next kid.
Hazel has a natural affinity for hockey. I can tell she’s a born athlete who probably picks up on most sports easily. She never soft peddles it, either. In every drill, she gives one hundred percent. She pushes back at the boys who give her a hard time, too. I see Allie in her, and it doesn’t hurt like I would’ve expected. It just makes me even more proud of the job Allie’s done raising the kids.
Hazel also reminds me a lot of myself at her age. I can’t help wondering if, like me, she’s intense on the ice but easygoing off it.
Practices always fly by. I feel like I’ve only been working with the kids for maybe fifteen minutes, but it’s been an hour. I send them into the locker room to get changed and start skating around the rink to round up pucks when I look over and see Allie sitting on the bottom row of the stands.
There’s a blond next to her, and from the quick look I get, they seem to be arguing. I pick up the pace gathering the pucks and quickly change out of my skates so I can go over to the stands.
Allie hasn’t been mine to protect for a long time, but I can’t deny the strong urge I still feel to do it. I don’t like seeing someone upset her, no matter how insignificant their argument may be.
Even if that’s another hockey mom telling Allie the team shirts should be a different color, I’m going over there to take up for Allie’s choice. It’s probably petty of me, but that’s where I’m at.
She told me when she broke it off with me that our fidelity to each other was over. But she can’t control my devotion, and I’ve been devoted to her in my heart since the first day I spoke to her.
I get my shoes on and walk over to the stands, where the dad of a player stops me to talk hockey and get a selfie. I make sure not to look annoyed. Normally I’d spend as much time with him as he wanted, but I don’t want Allie to leave until I’ve gotten to talk to her.
Damn, I’m like an addict, physically aching for just a little hit.
“I’m having some friends over this weekend if you want to stop by,” the dad I’m talking to says.
“I appreciate the invite, but I’m in town to take care of my mom and aunt. I’m usually with them.”
“Oh yeah, sure.” He shakes my hand again. “Thanks again for working with Jax. He talks about you all the time.”
“He’s a good kid. If he wants to keep playin
g hockey, keep him in skating lessons. Skating skills are the foundation of a good hockey player.”
“Will do.”
“See you around,” I tell him with a wave.
I turn to walk toward Allie and as soon as I get a closer look at the blond, I recognize her as Allie’s sister, Jenna. No fucking wonder Allie’s arguing with her.
“She’s my daughter,” Jenna says to Allie. “I have a right to see her.”
“You actually don’t. I have full custody. I let you see them when I think it’ll be a good thing for them.”
“You’re unbelievable. How could seeing me be bad for my own daughter?”
Allie looks like she’s either going to burst into tears or punch Jenna square in the face. I step in, feeling desperate to do or say anything to help her.
“Hey, Allie.”
She looks up at me with a small smile. “Hi.”
I walk over and sit down on the other side of her, and she turns away from Jenna to face me.
“Hazel’s got a natural talent for hockey,” I say. “She said she’s interested in playing in high school. If you want me to do some extra work with her, I’d be glad to.”
“Wait, what?” Jenna stands up and looks between me and Allie. “Since when is your boyfriend back?”
Hazel is approaching us, equipment bag slung over her shoulder, and she overhears Jenna’s comment.
“Your boyfriend?” Her eyes get huge. “He’s your boyfriend?”
Allie cringes, looking flustered.
“He used to be,” she tells Hazel.
“Are you serious?”
Jenna stands up. “Hello, it’s your mother, who you haven’t seen for more than a year.”
“Didn’t Aunt Allie tell you I don’t want to see you?” Hazel responds.
I hear Allie sigh softly next to me.
“What did she say to make you mad at me?” Jenna asks Hazel.
“Nothing! It’s you.”
I want to put my arm around Allie and pull her close, but I can’t.
“Let’s talk things out over dinner,” Jenna says to Hazel.
“I’m not going anywhere with you. I want to go back to Kelly’s.”
“I’m your mother,” Jenna says firmly.
“No, you’re not.” Tears well in Hazel’s eyes and her cheeks flush.
Allie stands and goes to Hazel, saying, “Come on, let’s go.”
“She’s leaving here with me,” Jenna says.
Like hell. I get up and go over to Allie and Hazel, taking Hazel’s bag and throwing it over my shoulder.
Jenna stomps over to Hazel and grabs her arm.
“Don’t touch her,” I warn.
“She’s my daughter.”
“You have no legal rights to her,” Allie says. “Don’t make a scene, Jenna.”
“This is the only way I can see her!”
Jenna turns on the waterworks and people nearby are staring.
I put a hand on Allie’s shoulder and meet her gaze. “I’ll walk you guys out to your car.”
“Thanks,” she says, emotion pooling in her green eyes.
She puts an arm around Hazel and walks out of the ice rink area, with me right behind her and Jenna behind me.
“If you lay one finger on me, I’ll have you arrested,” Jenna threatens, pointing at me as she walks past me.
“Hazel, please!” Jenna pleads, running up to her. “Whatever’s going on, we can work it out.”
Allie turns to her with a glare, asking, “Can you not do this here?”
Hazel breaks away from Allie and runs out of the rec center. Allie follows and I jog to keep pace.
Jenna, wearing heels, can’t keep up, so the three of us get to Allie’s car before Jenna. Allie pops the trunk and I throw the equipment bag in.
“Get in, quick, and lock the doors,” I tell her.
She doesn’t look at me, but she nods and I feel her hand on mine, giving it a quick squeeze. Her touch sends a shock of awareness through me.
“The papers said I have a right to see her!” Jenna cries furiously, heels now in her hands as she approaches the car.
I stand by the driver’s side door with my arms out, blocking the path while Allie gets in, locks the doors and starts her car. Jenna slams one of her shoes against the windshield and I see Allie jolt inside the car.
“Jenna, back the fuck up,” I say.
“No. I want to see my daughter.”
She’s bawling dramatically, hitting the windshield repeatedly with her shoe. I look inside the car and see Hazel’s face in her hands, her shoulders shaking as she sobs. Poor kid.
Allie meets my eyes helplessly.
“This isn’t the way,” I tell Jenna. “Look at her. Look how upset Hazel is. Let her go for now.”
Jenna sags with defeat and steps away from the car. Allie immediately puts it in drive and takes off.
“You don’t understand,” Jenna says to me, still crying. “I’m not a monster. I just want to see her.”
I shake my head and say, “You made your bed a long time ago.”
I walk back into the rec center, not feeling even a little sorry for her. Jenna’s selfishness didn’t just change the course of Allie’s life, but mine, too.
Seeing Hazel brought me back to when I was the age she is now, and my mom sat me down to say my father wanted a divorce and that we’d be moving to Greentree Falls. He wasn’t even man enough to tell me himself, and he wasn’t man enough to try to be a dad after the divorce either.
I’m the man I am because of my mom and my Aunt Jo. And Jenna’s kids are who they are because of Allie.
When she broke up with me, I meant it when I said I would quit school and move back here for her. She meant more to me than school, hockey, or anything else.
But my pride and immaturity took over when she said the words that cut me deep.
The kids are my family. They’re the only family I have left, and I have to put my family first.
It was like an arrow to my chest. After four years together, I thought I was her family, too. I didn’t see why she had to choose between me and the kids. I even resented them for taking her from me.
Allie was grieving, and in her own way, she was putting what she thought was best for me ahead of what would’ve been best for her. I love her for that.
I lost her a long time ago, but I still love her and I always will. It’s not just a fondness for the memories of our relationship. It’s a burning, all-in love.
I’ve already been in Greentree Falls for almost two weeks, and at some point, I have to leave. I’m not sure I’ll be able to do that without telling Allie my feelings haven’t changed.
She’ll shoot me down, I’m sure of it, but I don’t care. She needs to know she’s still beautiful. She needs to know that raising three kids alone makes her fierce. She needs to know she’s smart, sweet, brave and strong. So desirable I ache to touch her. My embarrassment is worth it, as long as I can make sure she knows that.
Ten
Allie
I only touched his hand for a second. It was just a brief gesture of thanks.
So why can’t I stop thinking about it?
It’s Friday night and I’m alone at last, snuggled under my covers in bed replaying the day. Well, mostly just that one second of it. Vi’s in Madison for the night with Jenna, which I didn’t have the energy to protest.
When Jenna came back to my house after her fit at the rec center and started packing her suitcase, huffing about feeling “unwelcome” in my house, I didn’t say a word.
Hazel is at Kelly’s and Max is staying the night with a friend. I’m not sure I’ve ever been completely alone in my house, and it’s a strange feeling. But after this day, I don’t mind one bit.
That hand squeeze earlier has me all messed up. Erik’s hand was warm, just like I remember it, but it felt bigger and stronger than it used to. I’ve been lying in bed for a good half hour thinking about what his hands used to feel like on me, and wishing I could feel
them on me again.
I always loved it when he cupped my cheek in his hand as he kissed me. The first year, we didn’t do anything but kiss, hug and hold hands. His mom and my parents made sure we didn’t have an opportunity to do more.
When he got his driver’s license, though, we discovered our favorite activity was making out. We’d spend hours parked in any private place we could find, exploring each other in all the exciting, forbidden ways we could think of.
He would groan when I slid my hand over the bulge in his pants, which mystified and gratified me at the same time.
Every time Erik kissed me or touched me, he murmured his love for me in my ear. He touched me with reverence. With awe. We waited to have sex until I was a junior and he was a senior, and even after all these years, I remember it so clearly.
We were awkward and clumsy, him shaking with fear of hurting me and me shaking with fear of disappointing him. But afterward, I felt closer to him in every way.
Over the course of that year, we had a lot of sex, using both the pill and condoms as protection for fear of me ending up like Jenna. He snuck me into his bedroom through the window and we’d have to be quiet, which was tough as he got to know my body better.
Erik and I just fit together. There’s no other way to describe it. We learned how to please each other in every possible way. I craved him when we were apart, the feelings only growing stronger with time. Other girls told me how jealous they were that he was mine, and I remember thinking they had no idea. I knew from what other girls told me about their sexual experiences that Erik was unusually amazing.
Even now, I get warm all over remembering the way he’d give me what I called “sex eyes.” I could tell he was having horny thoughts just from how dark and intense his gaze on me became.
And physically? Pfft. He was everything a woman could want and much, much more. I took all that incredible sex for granted, not having any idea that my high school years would pretty much be the pinnacle of my sex life.
I slept with Hunter Jackson and Larry Wright. With Hunter, it wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t good, either. He tried and tried to get me off, but never could, so eventually I’d do it myself. I told him masturbating was my kink, because he would’ve been pissed otherwise.
Easy: A Chicago Blaze Hockey Romance Page 6