Emotional Simplicity and Complexity
I like to eat and I love the diversity of foods.
DAVID SOUL
People enjoy talking about how deep or intense their love is, and love songs give this topic a lot of play.10 But romantic complexity gets much less air time—think, for a moment, of the last time you complained about your lover lacking complexity. However, complexity can make or break romantic relationships.
In an interesting study, researchers discovered that, up to a point, the frequency of listening to a certain kind of music increases the preference for it. Too much familiarity, however, produces boredom, especially if the composition is simple. The more complex the music, the less likely it is that boredom will set in.11 As with music, so with love. The lovers’ emotional complexity strengthens their relationship and weakens the typical decline in intensity. In profound long-term love, the beloved is perceived as a complex human being with whom one can engage in diverse intrinsic experiences.
Keeping in mind the three major intentional components in emotions—cognition, evaluation, and motivation—we can now discuss three related, but different, types of emotional complexity. First, cognitive emotional complexity refers to emotional diversity—the experience of emotions in a highly differentiated manner; second, evaluative emotional complexity refers to emotional ambivalence—the simultaneous experience of positive and negative states; and third, behavioral (or motivational) emotional complexity refers to our ability to behave in an optimal manner in a complex, diverse emotional environment.
Emotional Diversity
Jordi Quoidbach and colleagues argue that “emodiversity”—that is, the variety and abundance of the emotions that people experience—is an independent predictor of mental and physical health, such as decreased depression and fewer visits to doctors. They further claim that experiencing many different specific emotional states (e.g., anger, shame, and sadness) can have more survival value than experiencing fewer or more global states (e.g., feeling bad). Since the diversity of these specific emotions provides richer information about our environment, the individual is more able to deal with a given emotional situation. Moreover, reporting a wide variety of emotions might also be a sign of self-awareness and authentic life, both of which are linked to health and well-being.12
There are different kinds of emotional diversity: here, we’ll discuss “sensory diversity” and “affective diversity.” Sensory diversity has to do with a range of awareness of sensory content, such as smell, sight, hearing, or taste. Affective diversity has to do with a range of general affective states, such as listening to various types of music, walking in nature, enjoying reading or dancing, or attending a funeral. Up to a point, the greater the diversity in these areas, the more we flourish, as we are satisfied with more things—something likely to endure over time.
We can distinguish between the complexity of our own attitude and the complexity of the object at which our attitude is directed. I am mainly concerned with the complexity of the agent’s attitude. There are, of course, also diverse objective degrees of complexity, regardless of one’s attitude. For example, a symphony is objectively more diverse than a short song. Nevertheless, in our social environment, the most significant source of complexity is one’s own attitude. Thus, in profound romantic love, the lover’s attitude is based not only on the partner’s external appearance, but on his or her beliefs, achievements, their shared history, and so on.
In love, as in some other emotions, we can discuss two senses of diversity: (1) holistic diversity, as when love is directed at the beloved as a diverse, whole person, and (2) type diversity, as when one person’s love is directed at various individuals. The first sense of diversity, which is highly regarded, underlies any type of long-term profound love. The second is more contested. Polyamorous lovers practice this form and maintain that it does not damage, and can even enhance, the intensity and depth of their love overall. Here, I briefly discuss the first sense of diversity, leaving the second to a later discussion on polyamory.
Profound romantic love involves a comprehensive attitude that takes into account the rich and complex nature of the beloved.13 The lover’s comprehensive attitude is complex in the sense that it does not focus on simple, narrow aspects of the beloved but considers the beloved as a whole, multifaceted being. Sexual desire or friendship, by contrast, are more limited. In romantic love, we see both the forest and the trees, whereas in sexual desire we often focus on one or several trees.
We can extend the notion of emotional diversity. For example, we can broaden it from what we feel in the here and now to past, present, and future possible and impossible situations. That’s how rich our emotional environment is. In fact, the imagined conditions of what could (might/will/or should) be are the bread and butter of our emotional lives. Such broad environmental diversity plays a crucial part in the restless nature of the romantic realm in our society.
Emotional Ambivalence
It seems we are capable of immense love and loyalty, and as capable of deceit and atrocity. It’s probably this shocking ambivalence that makes us unique.
JOHN SCOTT
Now let’s turn to the evaluative type of emotional complexity—namely, emotional ambivalence. In psychology, this is called “emotional dialecticism.” Emotional ambivalence refers to experiencing negative and positive emotions at the same time.14
Let’s consider a reasonably common case of emotional ambivalence. A widow attending the wedding of her daughter feels joy, but also sadness that her late husband, the father of the bride, is not present. Her mixed emotions can last throughout the wedding and even after it. And this is not an irrational experience. In light of the partial nature of emotions, each (partial) perspective is appropriate, while no single perspective expresses an overriding perspective. The same holds for this description of a new lover by a married woman: “Everything in me seems to go soft, to yearn for him, to want to talk with him. It almost hurts. I seem to be sad and glad at the same time.” Another common example of emotional ambivalence, which is more common in novel or “forbidden” romantic relationships, is the claim “I love you very much, darling, I almost can’t bear it.”
Humans come equipped with the ability to hold multiple perspectives at the same time. This is an important survival skill in dealing with our complex reality. The ability allows us to pursue certain values and to compromise others while maintaining a belief in the worth of all of them. This capacity to hold multiple perspectives can produce ambivalence when we notice both positive and negative qualities in someone. Our intellectual system attempts to arrange all these perspectives into one comprehensive viewpoint; it cannot bear the affirmation and negation of the same claim at the same time. Our emotional system, however, can tolerate such ambiguity.15
Behavioral Complexity
I do not go searching for erotic affairs, but when something happens, I don’t feel I have to say no. It is not at all easy to attract me; affairs did not attract me anyway. My lover does. I have been thinking about him, talking to him, for hours and hours without end. I am not sure what we are allowed to imagine and do now. Even thinking about the various options makes me blush.
A MARRIED WOMAN
The first two types of emotional complexity (the cognitive and the evaluative) have to do with an awareness of our emotional environment. Emotions, however, are not detached from reality: they address a practical concern from a personal perspective. This action readiness is central to the emotions, and some even consider it their most essential element.16 Emotional complexity, then, should influence our emotional behavior. As we all know, though, being aware of emotional complexity and evaluating it in a certain way do not mean that we will act accordingly. How many times have we heard (or said): “I know this is the right thing to do, but I just can’t do it”? In our context, a lover might know that giving his partner more freedom would enhance the quality of their relationship, but jealousy stops him from doing so.
At thi
s point, it’s worth differentiating between romantic needs and romantic “wants.” People need food, water, and shelter in order to survive and flourish. Romantic needs enable the flourishing of a profound romantic relationship. Romantic needs include sharing valuable activities, caring, reciprocity, and mutual nurturing. A “want,” of course, is something you would like to have. While getting what we want might contribute to the overall quality of a relationship, the relationship would not topple if we did not get it. Frequent sex, going out for dinner, watching television, gossiping, and telling jokes might fall into the “want” category. Though the distinction between needs and wants is not always clear-cut, we can say that romantic needs are primarily concerned with romantic profundity, whereas romantic wants are mostly concerned with romantic intensity. Both are essential for lifelong loving relationships.
Our relationships are governed by complexity. Emotional complexity often calls for complex behavior (although there are times when a simple course is the best response to complex circumstances). But romantic ideology, like other ideologies, which tend to provoke intense emotions, is simplistic and one-dimensional, allowing little space for complex attitudes and behavior. Thus, romantic ideology tosses out of true lovers’ vocabulary terms such as “convenient,” “comfortable,” “moderation,” “hesitation,” and “compromise.” Pure love is described as involving a boundless desire. This is reflected in sweeping claims such as “Love is all you need” and “Love can conquer all.”17
The notion of “emotional complexity” is linked to the popular notion of “emotional intelligence.” Emotional intelligence is the capacity to process emotional information accurately and efficiently, and accordingly to regulate our own and others’ emotions. Like the capacity to experience emotional complexity, emotional intelligence is a kind of sensitivity to certain higher-level stimuli. The two ideas are connected: someone with a great deal of emotional intelligence might be expected to experience emotional complexity, and one needs emotional intelligence to successfully deal with emotional complexity. And, like emotional intelligence, the ability to experience emotional complexity involves not only appraisal and communication but also reappraisal and reflection.
Feeling Good and Flourishing
My old lover makes me feel great and more wonderful than Brad Pitt would. I think beautiful men are like a Prada handbag: women want them to make other women jealous, but in the long run it’s not really satisfying.
A MARRIED WOMAN
Aristotle distinguishes between hedone (the feeling aspect of happiness) and eudaimonia (the more general thriving that supports optimal functioning in life). He is suggesting that we separate the notion of pleasure from that of robust flourishing. Whereas eudaimonia has to do with one’s overall flourishing of life, hedone has to do with feeling good, getting what you want, or enjoying what you are doing. Although feeling good about our situation and being satisfied about our flourishing in life are related phenomena, they are not the same. Grazing animals, for example, experience hedone, but people experience both hedone and eudaimonia. Hedone is simpler and easier to measure than eudaimonia. Whereas hedone refers merely to a subjective state in the here and now, eudaimonia connects the present with the past and the future in an individual’s virtuous activities, which are expressions of the individual’s unique nature and capacities. For Aristotle, intrinsic activities are key to human flourishing, though he also affirms the place of extrinsic (instrumental), goal-oriented activities in such flourishing. Human flourishing, far from a temporary state of superficial pleasure, occurs over time and involves the fulfillment of natural human capacities.
That we are built to thrive over time, however, does not mean that we can’t enjoy the moment. After all, we live in the present moment, and it is usually worthwhile to make each moment as pleasurable as possible. But to give priority to the moment over lasting flourishing is to neglect the meaningful role of time in our lives. We live in the present, but also in the past and the future—not to mention the potential dimension. These different dimensions imbue our lives with meaning.
People who live meaningful, thriving lives experience plenty of negative events. These events, of course, reduce happiness. Interestingly, stress and negative life events are two powerful blows to happiness, despite their significant positive association with a meaningful life. Happiness is mainly about getting what one wants and needs, often with the helping hand of others. Meaningful thriving, differently, has to do with doing things that express and reflect the self, and also, doing things that are good for others.18
It is in the context of profound love that romantic and personal flourishing are most likely to emerge. Flourishing is not built on superficial pleasant feelings but on meaningful, ongoing, joint, and intrinsic activities—all of which lay the groundwork for profound love. Although the Aristotelian account of love flourishing presented here is relevant for everyone, it is more appealing as people mature.
Maintaining Moderation and Balance
Are these things really better than the things I already have? Or am I just trained to be dissatisfied with what I have now?
CHUCK PALAHNIUK, Lullaby
I never smoke to excess—that is, I smoke in moderation, only one cigar at a time.
MARK TWAIN
Moderation is crucial to flourishing. Yet, when it comes to the emotional realms, balance is problematic, as emotions tend to be intense and volatile. The strong intensity that accompanies acute emotions places the possibility of lasting romantic love at risk. As suggested above, the emotional system can tolerate instability and intensity for only so long before it begins to break down.
What can be done? We need ways to limit the impact of change while moderating emotional intensity. These mechanisms enable the endurance of lasting affective attitudes, such as moods and emotions in general, and romantic love in particular. In this context, I’ll discuss three major mechanisms responsible for our emotional balance: (1) hedonic adaptation, which diminishes affective intensity; (2) positive mood offset, which maintains a moderate level of positive mood; and (3) enduring moderate dissatisfaction, which keeps the agent’s interest high.19
Hedonic adaptation. Related to the major role of change in generating emotions, hedonic adaptation reduces the affective intensity of new experiences, both pleasant and unpleasant. This is helpful because it prevents us from being excessively happy or utterly miserable. Without such a reduction, we would be overloaded by destructive intensity, thus losing the sensitivity necessary for distinguishing between events of greater and lesser importance.
Thanks to hedonic adaptation, we can stay emotionally stable even in the face of extreme emotional stimuli. With it, we can notice and be affected by external changes while continuing to function well within a stable framework. Furthermore, hedonic adaptation helps to generate a long-term, stable attitude—albeit one whose intensity is considerably reduced. The reduced affective intensity associated with hedonic adaptation is particularly evident in positive affective attitudes: hedonic adaptation is faster and more likely to be “complete” in response to positive rather than negative experiences. Thus, it is more a barrier to intense happiness than to abject misery.20
Positive mood offset. Hedonic adaptation works to prevent the development of enduring extreme affective attitudes. Luckily, however, it does not block all affective attitudes, as humans need these badly. Positive mood offset helps by making the baseline for adaptation a positive one that is somewhat higher than the neutral point between positive and negative. Partially because of positive mood offset, we tend to feel good in the absence of extreme negative events. Adaptation, then, does not imply the absence of an affective attitude. Furthermore, the positive location of this baseline means that we can enjoy all the advantages of being in a mildly positive mood.
Ed Diener and colleagues have shown that positive mood offset is almost universal, even among those who live in extremely difficult circumstances. People have evolved to react to positive or nega
tive events with intense affective attitudes. At the same time, they are hardwired to be in a mildly positive mood when they are in either positive or neutral circumstances. Diener and colleagues suggest that positive mood offset enables us to behave more effectively when we are in a mildly positive mood. They claim that positive mood offset is an evolutionary adaptation because happier individuals are more likely to do things that promote their survival and reproductive success. Thus, positive moods produce desirable outcomes in several areas: physical health, including fertility and longevity; sociability and supportive social relationships; and coping and resource building, including forethought, planning, and creativity.21 Good health and flourishing make it easier to maintain an ongoing moderate and positive mood.
Enduring moderate dissatisfaction. Lasting moderate dissatisfaction, a kind of enduring mood, has exceptional evolutionary value: it pushes us to improve our situation. To take a painful example of such absence, those suffering from senility can be continuously content, but this is because they have lost contact with reality. A measure of dissatisfaction is part of being in touch with a reality that is seldom as good as we want it to be. Overcoming obstacles is part of meaningful living. Importantly, it is not only when we do not have much that we experience the enduring mood of being moderately dissatisfied; we experience it pretty much all the time.22 The moderate measure of dissatisfaction is different from the Rolling Stones’ claim, “I can’t get no satisfaction.” We do get satisfaction, but it is typically blended with dissatisfied tone.
More options do not necessarily translate into more satisfaction. In the romantic realm, this means making romantic compromises and turning aside from the many alluring romantic roads not traveled. Having a rainbow of options can improve our lives and at the same time leave us with the sense that we are missing tempting possibilities.23 Thus, for instance, increased education produces the unpleasant awareness of desirable options that we have to give up on; dissatisfaction about that reality may well result. However, increased education also increases life satisfaction both in the absolute sense of providing greater access to better options and in the relative sense of putting us in a better position compared to other people.24
The Arc of Love Page 4